“Yes. And I asked him to redact the description of the fight from your report.”
Muscles rippled in his jaw. “Aydan, why do you persist in diminishing yourself like this? I know what a competent agent you are. So does Stemp, and Germain, and anybody else who’s ever worked with you. Why-”
“Stop.”
To my surprise, he did. He stood looking down at me in silence, his hurt and frustration showing in the hard lines around his mouth.
My heart clenched. “John…”
What the hell could I say? The truth only made things worse between us.
Resignation bowed my shoulders. Truth was a luxury only civilians could afford. And no matter how I tried to deny or avoid it, I wasn’t a civilian anymore.
For the first time since I met John Kane, I looked up into his troubled grey eyes and did the kindest thing I could think of.
I lied.
Chapter 20
“Look, John…” I glanced around the deserted sidewalk, then sighed. “I’m going to tell you something. If you bring it up again, I’ll deny I ever said it.”
“Wait.” He dipped into his coat and extracted a bug detector. We both eyed its steady green light for a moment before he pocketed it again. “Let’s walk.”
I pushed my reluctant feet into motion. It didn’t help.
“What do you want to tell me?” he murmured.
“I don’t want to tell you anything…”
Right there. That was the last moment of honesty between us. Maybe I should build a little memorial cairn by the sidewalk.
I forced the words out. “…but you’re right. I’ve been deep undercover for years, in a mission so secret that it’s even above Stemp’s pay grade. I’m supposed to be just a bookkeeper. Finding the network key and getting sucked into working with you has been a disaster for my cover. I can’t walk away from my work with you, but every time somebody reports a skill I shouldn’t have, it jeopardizes my other mission. That’s why I can’t use any martial arts, that’s why I make stupid mistakes in my missions, and that’s why I can’t even think about having any kind of committed relationship. I just can’t drop this cover. I’m sorry you’ve gotten involved, and I’m sorry I keep hurting you, and-”
“Shh. It’s all right.” When I looked over at him, the hard lines had eased from his face. “Thank you,” he said quietly. “Thank you for finally trusting me with the truth.”
My groan erupted despite my best efforts.
“Don’t worry, Aydan,” he said gently. “You know I’ll protect this with my life.”
I rubbed my hands over my face, wishing I could scrub away my guilt. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“Don’t be.”
“John…” I clutched his sleeve, drawing him to a halt. “This doesn’t make things better. Nothing is going to change.”
He gazed down at me with a bittersweet smile. “I understand that nothing’s going to change. But…” His eyes softened. “Now that I know why, it’s already better.”
Unable to face him, I turned away and he fell into step beside me again.
After a couple of minutes of silent walking, I turned to him again. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Do you ever…” I stopped.
Tried again. “Last night. When I found the body. It was… pretty ugly. Blood everywhere. And I…”
I stopped again. Maybe I didn’t really want to know.
“You what?” Kane prompted after a moment.
“I…” The words rushed out before I could stop them. “How fucked up is it that I looked at Hibbert and thought, ‘Oh thank God it’s nobody I care about’, and my next thought was ‘Jeez, this is going to be a real pain in the ass to clean up’? I mean, another human being was tortured and killed practically in front of me, and I… I just…”
Kane’s hand found mine, giving it a brief squeeze. “You turned off your emotions and did what had to be done.”
My throat closed and my voice came out very small. “I hate this.”
“Me, too.”
I stared up at him and his lips twisted in a bleak smile. “What, you think I’m some gung-ho action hero who loves danger and violence?”
“Well, I… I mean, you’re the top agent in the service. You’ve been doing this for a long time…”
He blew out a breath. “I gain satisfaction from knowing I’m protecting innocent people. The results are important to me. But the process? And the emotional toll? No.”
We reached the Melted Spoon and he held the door for me. We stood in silence in the queue and didn’t speak again until we were seated at one of the corner tables, our backs to the wall with a commanding view of the tiny bistro.
I swallowed a bite of my grilled chicken and brie panini. “So… what would you do if you weren’t doing… what you do?”
“I don’t know.” Kane sipped his coffee and his gaze flicked over the scattered patrons as if automatically evaluating threat levels. “I’ve been thinking about that more and more lately.” He grimaced. “I’m not getting any younger. Big five-oh next year. I promised myself that the day I feel like I’m losing my edge, I’ll quit. Everybody makes mistakes and I’ve had to live with the consequences of mine, but at least I know anyone would have made the same decisions given the knowledge I had at the time.”
He stared into middle distance for a few moments, old ghosts haunting his eyes. He gave his head a tiny shake and returned his attention to me. “But I refuse to endanger anyone just because my ego doesn’t want to admit I’m past my prime.”
“Is it that easy? Can you just walk up to Stemp and say ‘I quit’?”
“It won’t be easy.” He took a bite of his sandwich and chewed, his eyes focused somewhere beyond the opposite wall. After a moment, he swallowed and returned his gaze to me. “There are always loose ends. They’ll always need me for just one more thing. There’s always the knowledge that something from my past could come back and bite me. But sooner or later everybody has to make that break. Stemp did it when he was a lot younger than I am now. I don’t think I’d want to transition into management the way he did, but…” He shook his head. “I just don’t know.”
“You could always open a restaurant. You’re such an amazing chef. Or how’s your book coming along? Maybe you’ll become a famous children’s author.”
He chuckled. “Maybe. How about you? What’s your end game?” He took another bite of his sandwich, clearly returning the ball to my court.
“I…” My panini suddenly lost its flavour and I laid it on the plate to sink my head into my hands. “If I survive it’ll be a fucking miracle,” I mumbled.
“Plan on it,” Kane growled.
Startled, I looked up to meet eyes like grey lasers.
“Plan on it,” he repeated fiercely. “You need that vision. You need something that’s so important to you that you’ll keep fighting even when you know you can’t win.”
“I do that anyway. It’s called being too stupid to know when to quit,” I quipped, trying to lighten the mood.
“I’m not joking.” The intensity of his gaze made me shiver. “Aydan, we’ve worked together for nine months. You’ve proved over and over that you’re willing to die for your team, and I can’t tell you how much I admire your courage. But being brave enough to die isn’t what really matters. You need to be brave enough to live, too.”
My throat closed. Unable to speak or even swallow, I dropped my gaze.
Get it together. Gulp down that lump in your throat and make a joke.
I watched my hands wrapping the remains of my panini in a napkin.
Say something, dammit.
Say anything…
I sprang up and hurried out, my sandwich squishing in my grip.
“Aydan-”
The closing door cut off Kane’s words, and I broke into a jog. The icy air felt good on my hot face and I blinked away the wetness in my eyes. Goddammit, I was so sick of being afraid.
Fuck this shit. Maybe I should just march into Stemp’s office and tell him I quit.
But even if I quit, I wouldn’t be safe. Not until I was free of Fuzzy Bunny.
Trapped…
“Aydan, wait!”
I picked up the pace, my breath coming in sobs that weren’t from exertion. Goddammit, they all want something from you. It’s never enough. No matter how much you give, they demand more and more and more until there’s nothing left…
The sound of running footsteps made me accelerate again. Gaining on me. Dammit, dammit, just leave me the hell alone…
“Aydan, stop. I’m sorry.” Kane caught up to run beside me. “Please stop and talk to me.”
I slammed on the brakes so suddenly he overshot, pounding forward a couple more strides before whirling to hurry back.
I hunched over to avoid his eyes, bracing my elbows on my knees and panting.
“I’m sorry, Aydan. I didn’t mean to-”
“Forget it.”
“No. I was out of line. I had no right to preach to you and I’m sorry-”
“It’s fine.” I smeared my sleeve over my face and straightened to face him. “You weren’t preaching, and you don’t need to apologize.” I straightened my spine and started down the sidewalk toward the office, dumping the mangled panini into a convenient garbage bin.
“Come back to the Melted Spoon and I’ll buy you another sandwich,” Kane coaxed.
“I can’t eat right now.” I kept going.
“You only ate a couple of bites. You need to eat. Aydan, please.” He caught up again to lay a restraining hand on my arm. “If you won’t accept my apology, at least accept a sandwich. I promise not to bother you while you eat it.”
I stopped and blew out a sigh. “No, it’s fine. I told you, you don’t need to apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong. I’m not mad at you. I just… need some time alone, okay? I’ll see you back at the office at one.”
He hesitated, the storm-grey of his eyes betraying his distress. “All right,” he said at last.
I walked away without looking back, trying to hide my trembling.
Chapter 21
By the time I tottered back into Sirius Dynamics at ten to one, I felt as though I’d been chewed up, digested, and shit out on gravel.
Dragging myself to the security wicket, I signed in, my shaking hands barely managing the pen. Leo laid his half-eaten submarine sandwich on the desk behind the bullet-proof glass before activating the turntable that delivered my fob. It arrived with a waft of bacon scent that made my stomach unleash a ferocious growl, and I cursed the idiocy that had made me walk the only route in town where there were no food stores.
Well, tough. I’d just have to wait until coffee break.
I turned for the stairs, still berating myself. Why the hell had I let Kane get to me? He wasn’t trying to manipulate me; he was just being a friend. Watching out for me.
The truth niggled at the back of my mind. Now that he’d made me think about it, I realized I honestly didn’t expect to survive. Every damn day I expected to be captured, tortured, and killed. Every one of my plans was subconsciously prefixed with ‘if I’m still alive’.
What the hell kind of life was that?
A shitty one, that’s what.
Time to change that.
I growled and hauled myself up the stairs. Trailing into my office, I was peeling off my jacket when a delicious aroma made my head snap around like a bird dog on point.
There was a paper bowl on my desk. I hurried over.
Soup. The Melted Spoon’s signature cream of celery and blue cheese. My favourite.
With a chicken-and-brie panini beside it.
And a paper napkin folded into a rose.
For a moment I just stood there wearing a big sappy smile. Then I dropped into the chair and started inhaling food.
By the time Spider arrived a few minutes later, there was nothing left but crumbs and a grin. My smile widened at the sight of Spider’s cheerful face.
“You look a lot happier,” I greeted him.
He flopped onto my sofa, smiling. “I feel so much better! I was just… I felt so guilty, but I didn’t know what to do. If I quit they’d never hire me back, and there are no other jobs for me in Silverside unless I want to sling burgers. And with Linda working at the hospital here, and our wedding coming up…” He shook his head. “Thanks, Aydan. You’re the best friend ever.”
Embarrassed, I mumbled, “I’m glad I could help,” and changed the subject. “So you’ve set a date?”
“Yes.” His cheeks glowed, his hazel eyes bright. “Well, kind of. Middle of August for sure, but we haven’t decided which weekend yet.”
“That’s great…” I trailed off as Kane appeared in the doorway.
He hesitated and I waved him in, feeling suddenly shy. As he took a seat, I forced myself to meet his eyes despite the heat in my cheeks.
“Thank you for lunch,” I said. “I was starving. And it was delicious.”
He smiled. “You’re welcome.”
I was sinking into the warm grey of his eyes when Spider’s voice rescued me. “Here, Aydan, let’s trade places and then we can get started. I think I’ve figured out a way for you to avoid Tammy in the network…”
Several hours later I handed over my network key to Spider and he accepted it and strode out, whistling. I rose and stretched the kinks out of my stiffened muscles.
Kane wandered over to lounge against the doorframe, and I tried not to let my attention drift away from his face and across those broad shoulders. Over that hard-muscled chest and down those beautifully-defined abs to…
I jerked my gaze up again when he spoke. “Do you have time for a beer?”
“Um.” I squinted at my watch and let out a sigh. Five minutes to spare. “I’d like to, but I can’t. I have to go to… um, a class. And then I need to get organized to meet Sharkf… Barnett tonight.”
“Oh, what class are you taking?” Kane’s interested expression turned uncertain at the sight of my grimace.
“It’s, um…” I averted my eyes under the guise of massaging my headache. “An anger-management class. Stemp’s making me go.”
“Oh.”
There was an awkward pause while I waited for him to assure me I didn’t need the class and Stemp was an idiot.
“Well, that’s good,” he said. “You’ll get a lot out of it.”
“Thanks,” I muttered, determinedly holding onto my temper.
He chuckled. “I didn’t mean that as an insult. It’s a good class. I found it quite helpful when I took it a few years ago.”
“Oh.” I met his eyes with relief. “Does Stemp make everybody take it?”
His sexy laugh lines crinkled. “No, just hotheads like you and me.” He sobered. “I’ll see you tonight. I’ll be in place by seven-thirty. Call me with one of the burner phones when you’re on your way to the drive-in. Good luck.”
He left, and I sighed and gulped a couple of painkillers before trailing reluctantly down the hall.
When I poked my head in the meeting room door, my heart sank. Shit, of course Greg Holt would be there.
A couple of other men sat at the table, too, and Dr. Rawling looked up from his seat at the end of the table. “Hi, Aydan. Welcome. Please come in.”
I sidled in to perch in the chair closest to the door, defiantly facing the scrutiny of my classmates.
“Aydan, I believe you’ve met Greg, and this is Ashley, and Calvin. This is Aydan,” Dr. Rawling introduced us.
Holt offered me a welcoming grin with an understanding lift of his eyebrows, and the other two nodded silently, unsmiling. I nodded back at them and faced Dr. Rawling, bracing myself for an excruciating couple of hours.
He smiled. “All right, today we’re going to talk about cognitive restructuring…”
It was as bad as I’d expected. Holt and the others were obviously doing their best and I tried to play along, but discussing my feelings in a group of stranger
s was about as likely as flapping my arms and flying to the moon. And God knew I was willing to try that, or any other means of escape.
The painkillers never had a chance. By the end of the class my neck and shoulders were twisted into fiery knots, and I dug my fingertips impotently into the base of my skull as I shuffled out of the room.
“You okay?”
Holt’s voice made me start, and I squinted through my pain. “Yeah. Just a headache.”
I made for the lunchroom, hoping a cup of tea and a snack would help. Pacing beside me, Holt leaned closer and dropped his voice.
“So Stemp stuck you with this class, too. Who’d you kill?”
My instant of frozen immobility made Holt draw back, his craggy features twisting into a surprised grin. “You did kill somebody.”
I regained my composure and summoned up a scowl without too much difficulty. “It probably had more to do with the fact that I called Stemp a dickhead.”
Holt barked out a laugh. “Yeah, that’d do it. The guy’s got a major stick up his ass.”
A reluctant urge to defend Stemp took me by surprise. “Well, I kind of jammed my gun in his throat, too.”
“Shit.” Thunderclouds began to gather on Holt’s face. “And he’s still letting you carry?”
Dreading another explosion, I leaned forward to whisper. “Greg, can I trust you with something?”
The gambit worked. His scowl faded into interest. “What?”
I hesitated, my mind spinning through possibilities. Something plausible. Not classified, not a lie, but juicy enough to make him feel entrusted with something important…
“You can trust me.” Now he looked intrigued. “Remember, I’m a spook. I know how to keep a secret.”
Shit, what could I tell him? The longer I hesitated, the better my ‘secret’ had to be.
No inspiration came to mind. My headache thumped behind my eyeballs.
I sighed and went with the truth. “I’m involved in something so big they can’t afford to take away my gun. But I shot a guy’s face off a couple of months ago, and if they decide I’m too much of a risk they won’t just confiscate my gun and assign me to a desk, they’ll probably kill me. Or worse, put me in jail. I have to get through this anger management course.”
Spy Now, Pay Later Page 16
