A bum that works as a guard to protect powerful or important bums.
Bum-gun
All purpose anti-bum weapon. Fires a wide variety of ammunition, including drawing pins, staples and rusty nails.
Bum-hopper
A form of transport created by capturing and sitting on top of a bum that has been corked for at least half an hour. When uncorked a jet of gas is released, which can propel the bum and its rider for up to ten kilometres.
Bum hunter
A bum-warrior who has given up regular bum-fighting in order to concentrate his or her energies on hunting big game bums. This occupation is so fraught with danger that only a few of the bravest and most talented and smartest bum hunters survive.
Bum Hunters’ Hall of Fame
A museum dedicated to preserving and honouring the exploits of great bum-fighters. A bum-warrior can only be voted into the Hall of Fame by his or her peers.
Bummery
Collective term for a group of bums.
Bum-magnet
Shaped like a satellite dish. These come in various sizes, and the most powerful models can be used to attract bums from up to a kilometre away.
Bum-mobile
Multi-purpose vehicles greatly favoured by bum-fighters and bum hunters.
Bumnuts
The fruit of bumnut trees. These are similar to coconuts except the shells are soft and consist of two main chambers rather than one. Bumnuts are edible, but taste like burnt toast.
Bumnut trees
Very similiar to coconut trees with a tuft of branches sticking out of a long slender trunk. Bumnuts, which look like bums, grow in small bunches on the branches.
Bumper Book of Bums, The
The definitive work on bums, much favoured by bum-fighters. As well as being a general reference guide containing many useful facts about bums, it also has a full selection of bum hunting maps, bum identification charts, sections on how to defend yourself against bums, how to catch and tame feral bums, how to hunt big bums and how to stock a bum-hunting arsenal.
Bum-piranha
A carnivorous bum-fish found in shallow areas of the Sea of Bums.
Bum-plug
Used to cork bums for the purpose of harnessing their gas power. Used in bum-hoppers and bum-rafts. (Also used as ammunition in constipator guns.)
Bum-raft
Watercraft made up of a platform of bums lashed together. Gas powered.
Bum rally
A meeting of bums. Usually held at midnight when owners are asleep.
Bum shelter
Concrete bunkers located deep beneath the ground used by civilians during periods of high bum danger. Each bum shelter is capable of feeding, clothing and sleeping as many as one thousand people for up to two years.
Bum-siren
Used to warn civilians to stay indoors during periods of intense bum activity.
Bum sympathiser
Anybody sympathetic to bums.
Bum-trees
Trees that grow in the Brown Forest. In earlier times these trees towered above the ground, but are now stunted and devoid of foliage, their branches covered in a thick brown mould.
Bum-trumpet
A funnel-shaped object used by bums for amplifying either sound or smell.
Chariots of the Bums
A book in which Eric von Dunnycan claims that the Great White Bum was a space traveller.
Clothespeg
One of the most essentials tools in the bum-fighters’ arsenal. Used for blocking nostrils. Also good for hanging out clothes.
Cluster bum
When a whole pack of kamikaze bums converge on a single spot with the object of colliding and blowing themselves up. Such explosions have enormous power and have been known to completely destroy nearby buildings and houses. See also nuclear bum.
Constipator
A bum-gun with a large round barrel that fires bum plugs. Used for inhibiting enemy fire. (Also known as a clogger.)
Death stink
The smell emitted by a bum moments before it dies—up to one thousand times as intense as a bum’s normal odour.
Dunnycan, Eric von
Author of Chariot of the Bums.
False bum
Silicon-based imitation bum. May be self-wiping.
Fart
A small explosion between the legs. The exact size, duration and intensity of the explosion, however, will vary depending on various factors including age, weight and diet of the individual. Highly flammable. Composed of five gases (carbon dioxide, nitrogen, hydrogen, methane, oxygen) and four compounds (methyl-indol, skatol, hydrogen sulphide and methyl-mercapatan).
Feral bum
A runaway bum that lives in the wild and has completely forgotten all rules of decorum and decency. To be avoided if possible. Have been known to attach to people’s faces and refuse to let go.
Giant blowflies
Mutated blowflies formed as a result of feeding on the rich nutrients inside a bumcano.
Giant maggots
Larval stage of giant blowflies. Many scientists believe that the Loch Ness Monster is not a monster but is in fact a giant maggot.
Great Windy Desert, The
The place where old farts blow themselves out and form enormous stink tornadoes. Many brave souls and foolhardy adventurers are lost without trace every year attempting to cross this hot and terrifying wilderness.
Junior Bum-fighters’ League
An organisation dedicated to the early identification of young people with bum-fighting potential. Offers bum-fighting clinics, training camps, a national bum-fighting competition and guest speakers. Contact the organisation in your nearest capital city.
Kamikaze bums
Bums that turn themselves into self-destructive bombs. These bums are fearless and have no hesitation about dying for their cause. If you see one coming, run away—fast.
Laxative Launcher
A bum-gun that fires laxatives. The latest models (the 4502LL series) can fire up to five capsules of pure laxatives per second. Used for neutralising enemy fire by causing bums to lose control.
Methane madness
Delirium caused by breathing the intense methane fumes present in the Great Windy Desert. May cause hallucinations, visions, aggression, sudden mood swings, headaches and vomiting. Can be relieved with pure oxygen.
Needleweeds
Weeds that look and feel like a cluster of sewing needles. The only plant tough enough to grow in the Great Windy Desert. Can be eaten but, like stinkants, will cause terrible body odour. If eaten in large amounts, they can also cause intense flatulence.
Nuclear bum
Formed by binding two or more bums together. Usually fired at a target from a nuclear bum launcher.
Nuclear bum launcher
Anything that is used to fire a nuclear bum at a target.
Pink fluffy toilet seat cover
Irresistible to bums. Used mainly as bait for feral bums, either for use as bum-hoppers or to be milked for natural gas.
Pointy Stick
A crude but highly effective tool for repelling bums.
Pong-pong
A game favoured by bums. Similar to ping-pong, except that precise jets of gas—rather than bats—are used to send the ball back and forth across the table.
Poopoises
Just like porpoises, except brown. Only found in the Sea of Bums.
Prosthetic bum
See false bum.
Rearrangement
A process whereby human bodies are reorganised so that bums and heads swap places. Highly sought after by bums. Highly dreaded by heads.
Rectum scale
A scale from 1 to 10 used to measure the intensity of smell released by a bum. The higher the number the stronger the smell. Named after Sir Roger Francis Rectum (1900–1985), Professor of Bum Studies at Smellbourne University in Pwoar!stralia.
Rogue Bums
Like rogue elephants, these bums are usually male, wild, angry and o
ut of control.
Runaway bum
A bum that has sprouted arms and legs, detached itself from its owner’s body and run away.
Sea of Bums, The
A large inland sea teaming with aquatic bum-life. Many scientists believe that life on Earth originated in the Sea of Bums with single-cheek bum life-forms.
Sewing needles
Good for pricking bums. Also good for bursting pimples.
Siberian Screaming Bums
Bums found in the frozen wastelands of Siberia. This bum gets its name from the deafening sound it emits when threatened.
Siren Bums
Bums that sing so sweetly that all who hear them are compelled to jump ship to try to reach them. Found on rocky outcrops in the Sea of Bums.
Soap
A bum-fighter’s best friend. (NB: The first rule of bum-fighting is to always wash your hands afterwards.)
Sonic depth charge
Methane discharged under water at great pressure. Highly explosive. Extremely lethal.
Spurts
Mutated form of stinkants. Capable of squirting jets of stink for many metres.
Stenchgantor
Also known as the Great Unwiped Bum, it is the ugliest, dirtiest, wartiest, pimpliest, grossest, greasiest, hairiest, stinkiest bum in the entire world. Lives in the Brown Forest. Completely blind, it relies on its sense of smell to locate prey. Stenchgantor is the only bum known to have a nostril rather than an eye.
Stinkants
Small red ants with a great big stink. The only creature tough enough to survive the poisonous climate of the Great Windy Desert. Some varieties bite. May be eaten but can cause flatulence and serious body odour.
Stinkbogs
Appear like solid ground but are actually smelly quicksand. Mostly found in the Brown Forest.
Stink tornado
A violent storm with whirling winds often accompanied by funnel-shaped clouds. Most stink-tornadoes originate in the Great Windy Desert.
Tennis racquet
Good for whacking bums. Also useful for playing tennis.
Utility belt
A belt worn by a bumcatcher to hold all his or her bum-catching gear. For example, net, fluffy pink toilet seat cover, toilet paper and soap.
Wedge-tailed bum-eater
Large omnivorous bird of prey. Will eat anything, but particularly fond of bums.
The Day My Butt Went Psycho Page 17
