“Classic College Margret! Blacking out right when things get interesting!”
He sat and pulled his black shirt from the night before back over his chiseled abs and awesome tattoos, which I had never taken full notice of until right then. Through barely opened eyes, they were still spectacular. I flushed from the tops of my shoulders all the way to my forehead. All of a sudden, it was boiling hot in my room.
“Seriously, Walker! I’m not fucking around! Did I try to make out with you last night?” The night was foggy, but I faintly remembered asking him about his feelings. I could only imagine my next, horrible move. The thought of my possible actions sent pains shooting through my stomach and chest. Finally getting my feet free, I shot up, digging in my dresser for different clothes that didn’t smell like the terrible concoction of bar, booze and shame.
Walker’s voice turned almost stern, too cold for what I was used to from him. “Yeah, you did. I let you kiss me. I even kissed back. We were shit faced. Right after, you ran to the bathroom and puked. I guessed I repulsed you or Jack in some way. Needless to say, that’s where the adventure stopped. We took a cab home and I fell asleep here to make sure you were okay.”
Pointing at Walker to turn around and face the wall half way through his account of the moments my mind had erased, I changed into my comfortable clothes, while the situation sunk in. I fell to the floor, sitting Indian style in the middle of my room, squeezing my eyes shut.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered with my head in my hands, making my words muffled. “I didn’t mean to …” I let the sentence trail off, not too sure how to finish it.
Thankfully, Walker came to my rescue while I fought for words. “Don’t sweat it. No harm done. Besides if we were to ever hook up, I ain’t gonna let it be in a shit hole like that.”
I couldn’t believe what just came out of his mouth. How could he say if we ever hooked up to me like that? How could I let our harmless flirting get to this point? I would never be one of his notches. Even with the slight lustful slips my mind had, I never thought our relationship would ever move from this point, and Walker saying it like the thought was entertained by both of us made me feel sicker than the remnants of alcohol still soaking my blood.
“Don’t say things you don’t mean.” My words oozed with anger, while my whole body shook. “You’re my best friend and roommate. Nothing more, right?”
He buried his head in the pillow at my words, staying silent.
“Oh my God! I was right. I need to take a shower and you need to get the fuck out of here for a while.” I pointed to the door and Walker silently obeyed, leaving me to my terrible thoughts, slamming my door as loudly as he could behind him.
A rush of confusion hit me, knocking the wind out of me. I knew my emotions started to become displaced as anger at Walker built up while I lashed out. There was no one I was mad at or disappointed with other than myself.
My mind started racing, as my thoughts screamed through my head, making me feel weak and dizzy. What would Randy think of all of this? He’s fucking dead anyway. He left me here alone! Does he want me to be alone forever? Would I want him to move on? And with our best friend? Fuck this shit!
Fury at myself and the situation burnt my eyes, making tears stream down my face uncontrollably. I didn’t know what to think, how to feel. I had been void of deep emotions for so long. The terrible notion that all of this was my fault hit me the hardest. All of those moments where I let myself slip and felt things I shouldn’t. Maybe Walker sensed the tension too, and maybe he did have actual feelings for me.
I took a quick shower, trying to scrub the last twenty-four hours off my skin. By the time I turned off the boiling water, my entire body was pink and rubbed raw. Climbing out of the shower, wishing I had brought clothes to change into, I wrapped my towel around myself tightly. Even with the warm steam making the air thick in my bathroom, I shivered as everything started to sink in farther. My head was pounding from crying and thinking too much. All I wanted to do was curl up into my comforter and ignore the world for a while.
When I opened my bathroom door, I found Walker leaning against the doorjamb. Before I could even process the situation, Walker pressed his entire body firmly against mine and kissed me, hard and desperate.
I pushed him away. “Wait!” I shook my head and screamed at him, breathless and confused. He let go, staring at me with the most guilt I’d ever seen in someone’s eyes. The usual bright green had faded, his cheeks pale.
“What are we doing?” I breathed softly, innocently disordered and broken. “What about my husband?” The words lingered in the air, feeling like a distant whisper. Their presence was fleeting and wrong sounding from my voice as I glanced down at the tiny gold band that almost felt stifling on my ring finger.
Walker bent down a little so he could look me directly in the eye, putting both his hands on my shoulders. “Mags, he’s dead. Say the word and I will walk out that door and never talk to you again. I’ve loved you for a while. And I want to be with you. If it has to be only as friends, I’ll handle it, but that’s not what I want.” Walker sighed, light tears starting to roll down his cheeks as he slid onto the recliner with his head in his hands, his voice shaky and pleading. “What do you think? How do you feel?”
I gawked at him for a moment, trying to understand what I was hearing. I said the only thing I could, the truth. “I feel crazy. I feel like I don’t know what to think anymore.” I sat down on the floor in front of him, pulling his hands away from his face. “Give me some time to think about what is going on with me, and in the meantime, don’t leave.”
Walker nodded, his arms curling around my middle, tugging me onto his lap. “I didn’t mean to dump all that on you all at once. I never wanted you to know how I felt. Whatever your decision is, I’ll always be here for you, Mags.” He picked me up and laid me down in bed. “How about I go make us some food and we’ll have breakfast in bed a day early?”
I let the calmness of his voice wash away the frantic feelings in my chest, and the discomfort of his well kept secret of loving me. I was so glad to not have to make decisions right away, or even know completely what was going on, that I just let myself go void again, pushing everything away from my mind. “Sounds wonderful.”
My head started throbbing with all of this new information that I couldn’t bring myself to process. I hoped this was all a horrible dream and that when I woke up, everything would be back to normal, an ignorant bliss saving me once again.
I curled up in my sheets, my hangover getting the best of me, and I slept for what felt like seconds. When I opened my eyes again, the clock on the nightstand said two thirty in the afternoon. I rolled over to see Walker curled up in a little ball on the other side of the bed, a tray of eggs and bacon on the floor next to him. I must have been sleeping for at least four hours. I yawned and stretched, still forcing the inevitable reality from my mind as much as possible.
I shook Walker awake. When his eyes opened, he jumped a little. “I’m sorry Mags, I didn’t mean to.” He looked around for a second with a confused stare on his face, and then it melted into panic as words started to babble from his lips. “Can I just take it all back? Be friends, just friends again. I can’t lose you, Mags! I don’t care if I am in the friend zone forever.”
I put my hand on his cheek and stared into his handsome face, chills of longing running through my body. It had been so long since I had felt that way, longing for a man’s touch. All I wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms, but the words that came out of my mouth were mature and foreign to me. I couldn’t believe what I was saying. I hadn’t made a decision yet, I was so calm, my voice even. “Walker, I’m just not ready for a relationship … for any of this, to be honest. And you were Randy’s best friend. This isn’t right. There can never be anything between us. I’m sorry.” My head fell and I stared at the white comforter bound up in my grasp.
Walker’s head fell and his shoulders slumped, his voice weak and defeated. “I will go pac
k my things then. I really am sorry.”
I sat up quickly, terrified he might leave. My heart pounded and my palms started to sweat. “You’re not moving out are you? Please don’t leave. I need someone in this house with me. I can’t handle another person leaving!”
His face changed slowly from solemn to elation. “I’d never want to leave you. I just didn’t want to overstep my bounds.” He leaned up to get out of bed, grabbing my hand to kiss it. “I’m going to clean this mess up and wash the smell of the bar off of me. I have plans tonight, but let’s have breakfast in the morning as a fresh start. Wipe this nasty old slate clean.”
I looked up into his wide, bloodshot green eyes. It was clear he had been crying while I slept. I couldn’t help but wonder the true reason behind the tears. Did he really want to be with me? All I knew was that I could not stand the thought of losing someone else right now. “A fresh start sounds wonderful, Walker. I think we need one.”
Walker’s pained expression transformed into a loving gleam as he trotted out of my room, carrying our uneaten breakfast. At the thought of food, my stomach started to grumble, having not eaten anything all day and puking last night. I grabbed my phone, knowing that some girl time was definitely needed at that point.
I dialed Cali, and, luckily, she was free. We made plans to have a late lunch and then spend the rest of the early evening pampering ourselves. It was going to be a perfect little escape that I desperately needed. Definitely better than my original thought of falling into a bottle of wine and chick flicks, locked up alone in my room, hiding from my almost mistake hook-up with a roommate.
I climbed out of bed and started fumbling through my drawers to find something to wear. Cali always made it a point to dress beautifully and I was not in the mood to hear her complain about my “boy” clothes. I finally settled for nice white linen shorts and a dark teal tank top. While I was brushing my teeth, my bedroom door opened.
“Mags?”
With toothpaste still swimming around in my mouth, I called back to Cali, “In here!”
She bounced into the bathroom with a giant lit up eyes. “I’m glad you called, Kyle is being a douche. Ever since he started working nights again, he has just been a grouch. I think we should get him a trashcan to sleep in while we’re out.”
I giggled at her frustration while gargling mouthwash. Cali crossed her arms around herself and popped her hip out, sizing up my ensemble. “You look very nice, Mags. I’m proud of you.” Her lips curled into an approving smile with her words.
“Thanks,” I perked up from spitting out my mouthwash, smoothing out my clothes dramatically, taking her hand. “Come on, I’m starving.”
Hand in hand, Cali and I made our way down the stairs, passing Walker in the kitchen. He was still cleaning pans in the sink, wearing my neon pink rubber gloves. Looking up from the soapy water, he whistled at us. Cali tugged at my hand, disgustedly barking, “God, Walker! You’re such a freaking pig.” Then, turning her enraged eyes right to mine, said, “How the hell do you stand him!”
I looked at her innocently and shrugged. “I think he’s funny.”
Walker, holding himself up with the counter, was uncontrollably laughing. “Come on Cali, you know it’s just because you’ve always had a thing for me. Admit it! You’re just pissed that you’re married and can’t do anything about your desires.” He winked at her and headed upstairs to his room.
Cali gritted her teeth, sneering and pointing at Walker as she made her way to the front door. “Don’t even flatter yourself!” With that, we were out the door and I could still hear Walker carrying on with his amusement.
I attempted to laugh off the awkward situation, but Cali was too pissed to let it go. We climbed into her car and she slammed her door shut, taking a deep breath in through her nose and then letting out an exasperated grunt. “He just gets under my skin sometimes. Sorry, Mags.”
I put my hand on her shoulder in an attempt to calm her down, “It’s all good Cali. I know how you two are. We have all been best friends for years. Time flies, doesn’t it?”
She started the engine and pulled out of my driveway. A slight relief fell over me to be away from the awful situation I had found myself in that morning. But, in the back of my head, I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t shoved Walker away in the doorway of my bathroom. Uh, his lips felt better than I had imagined, God damn it! Why the fuck did I have to enjoy it?
Cali and I made our way to our favorite burger joint in town. After long nights of drinking, we always nursed our hangovers with a little hair of the dog and a heart attack on a plate. There was no better cure for the brown bottle flu than beer and grease, in my opinion.
We pulled into Charlie’s after the short ride, singing at the top of our lungs to everything on the radio. Our favorite seats, right in the middle of the bar, were free and we happily filled the creaking bar stools. Without even having to ask, Todd, our regular bartender, walked over with two drafts and set them down right in front of us, after wrapping napkins around the glasses just the way we liked them. “Well, aren’t you two just an amazing sight for sore eyes. Haven’t seen your gorgeous faces in God knows how long!”
Todd was wearing a tight-fitting pink and white striped button down like usual, always willing to wear anything that screamed, “I’m gay, get the fuck over it!” His jet-black hair was a little longer than I remembered, but uniformly messy like always. Todd had been too skinny, shaped just like a stick figure.
The first time the five of us all met Todd felt like yesterday to me. It was the afternoon after a bonfire party that the boys’ fraternity had thrown. It was Cali’s and my first time ever experiencing hunch punch and it was not a good morning for either of us. We both had a great time at the party, from what we were told, and slept in Randy’s bed that night. We apparently kicked him out of it, making him sleep on the floor.
Cali and I woke up the next morning with the worst hangovers we had ever experienced.
Walker and Randy had been going to Charlie’s since their freshman year, and knew it would be the perfect cure. The guys had to practically drag us out of bed; Randy actually had to carry me to Walker’s truck. My memory of that morning was a little fogged by the booze that had still been floating through my system, but the feeling of being wrapped up in Randy’s arms was so comforting and addicting to me from that moment on. Making our way out of the fraternity house, we saw Mitch curled up on the couch in the giant foyer. Walker talked him into joining us and from there the tradition of Charlie’s was born.
Cali grabbed her beer, holding it up waiting for me to 'cheers' her. “It’s been too long, Todd. How the heck are ya?” Cali’s bubbly voice had finally returned from her frustration with Walker, and I was glad her mood shifted back to the normal perky best friend I desperately needed.
Todd leaned over, putting both elbows on the bar. “Oh you know, same shit, different day.”
Cali’s and my glasses clanked together and I took a satisfying sip of the sweet Orange Blossom Pilsner. “Oh Todd, you always remember!” The wonderfully soothing orange honey bubbles tickled my taste buds, softening my jumbled mind and voice.
“How could I not?” He gawked, using dramatic hand and arm movements as he lisped perfectly, it was so cliché and one of the best things about him. Todd was proud of who he was and never hid it from anyone. “You two used to be here every other day back in college!” A few more bar patrons took seats a few down from us, and Todd excused himself silently to tend to them, rolling his eyes as one of the men snapped his fingers to get Todd’s attention. I gaped at the obnoxious gesture until I saw Todd kiss the guy right on the lips. Cali and I both giggled at the sight, and turned away to give them a little privacy.
“We haven’t been here since before I got the news about Randy.” The realization hit a little softer than usual. Maybe I was starting to heal, or maybe I was just numb from emotion, I couldn’t really tell. Surprised, and thankful the wind hadn’t been taken ou
t of me, I took a deep breath and continued my thought. “Cali, I never believed I would be a widow at twenty-four. When Randy shipped off even, it never dawned on me that this could have been in the cards for me.”
She sighed and put her hand on mine. “Yeah, I know. But it’s life, love. Randy knew how dangerous it was going to be. He’s right here helping you through it, you know that.” Her soft smile was so comforting, I simply couldn’t stand it. I knew she was right. Randy always tried to prepare me for the worst when it came to his decision to join the Army. I just never let it sink it.
“I can hear him now: ‘Hey kid, smile! Like it or not, you’re gonna be stuck with me, even if I’m a ghost.’ Man, he was so morbid sometimes.” I grabbed my beer and chugged the entire thing. Todd popped back over with a new OBP for me, asking if we were having our usual burgers to eat, and we both nodded. After putting our orders into his computer, Todd engulfed himself in a deep conversation with his new flavor of the week, always glancing over at our glasses to make sure they weren’t getting anywhere near low.
Desperate to change the subject, Cali leaned over and sighed. “How’s the new roommate?”
I shrugged, staring at the painted bar, not knowing how to answer that question which Cali getting furious at me. I felt color burning my cheeks as the words started to form slowly. “Walker is great. It’s awesome to not have to be alone.” I sipped my thick beer, hoping the cool liquid would lessen the crimson flaring on my face and neck. “It’s only been a day. So, I guess we’ll have to wait and see.” My lips betrayed me and turned up into a toothy smile. I failed horribly at forcing it to go away.
With a questioning eyebrow raise, Cali’s voice got rigid, like she could see right through me. “Why do you look like you’re hiding something, Mags?”
Cali knew me better than anyone, and I was not going to be able to keep my actions from the night before or this morning secret for long. So, with a little bit of reluctance, I told Cali about the cause of my hangover and what happened that morning.
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