Being around Emily and Bess became almost selfish. The elephants gave me a joy during those first months I found nowhere else, and I realized I could learn something about loss from these gigantic, kind creatures. For they’d been torn from their families and those that they loved, and they had discovered a way to move on.
¯¯¯
Spade had been like a daughter to me, and in this one instance I wished I had been less encouraging. I became conflicted by my own beliefs. My ability to see into the future seemed cruel and useless as Spade would now forever be a part of my past.
I tried to reconcile my confusion by adopting an Eastern philosophy, but no matter how many spiritual books I read, I finally had to accept that I was still attached to the living and the dead.
¯¯¯
Lafayette, Louisiana 1929
I stomped my foot to the beat until my toes were coated in a thin layer of dust, but I paid it no mind. Whenever I was in Harsita’s presence, a little piece of his happiness rubbed off on me. In a world that wasn’t fair, I found it reassuring to be in the presence of someone who radiated such joy.
Harsita was in an especially good mood. His aunt Lilu had come from Baton Rouge to visit and brought with her a tin full of chapati, samosa, and gulab jamun.
“Donatella, wait till you try one of Aunt Lilu’s samosas; but right now I have a surprise for you, Aunt Lilu.” Harsita pulled out and played for her what he had secretly taught himself.
“The boy practices scales every night. No wonder I’m here so often,” Marvin smiled. He was soaping his face, preparing for his morning shave. I loved watching how he always held his razor close to his skin and finished with an upstroke. Aunt Lilu should be gone by now. The coast is clear for both of us.” He left me with a kiss and words I wanted to hear. “Don’t feel bad about a smile.”
That afternoon, when I went and visited Emily and Bess, I was greeted by Harsita and his big announcement: “Donatella, I decided if Emily can do it, surely I can, too. Do you know the song ‘Sweet Georgia Brown’? I’ve been practicing it in private or in the company of Emily and Bess for weeks. Of course, Marvin has heard me, too. Will you sing with me? Even Aunt Lilu tried last night.”
I protested, but by the third request, Harsita became impossible to turn down, and soon I was singing not only “Sweet Georgia Brown” but “Ain’t Misbehavin’” and Hoagy Carmichael’s “Stardust.” The sight of a young Indian man and a Russian woman playing and singing such quintessential American songs on a harmonica for two Asian elephants was a little comical, but inspiring, too.
After Spade’s death, I seemed to get clear. I stripped myself of inhibitions, rules, and boundaries that made no sense and threw them into the grave with her, and I thanked Spade for the gift of waking me up to life. Marvin began more frequently to slip in and out of the quarters he shared with Harsita and find his way under my covers, where I sought the fulfillment of my desires. Deeper and deeper I traveled with him until I felt completely swallowed.
¯¯¯
With Marvin at my side, I could summon up the fortitude necessary to face those that I loved who now more than ever needed me. “Poor Diamond,” I revealed to Marvin. “Every night she relives the memory of holding her sister in her arms and how it felt to close her eyes. It’s been really rough on Diamond. But today she did something she hasn’t done since Spade’s passing—she came to visit me.”
Diamond began to stop by my carriage more frequently. One day she walked in clearly agitated, then blurted out, “Life is just a bunch of noise.”
“What? Do you mind explaining that?” I asked.
“Ever since that night, I’ve known my time to leave has come,” Diamond said in, almost a whisper.
The softness of her voice told me she wasn’t ready to act.
“Diamond’s horse, Ali Baba, has become her closest confidant. She talks to him more than anyone else,” I shared with Marvin. “I needed to drop off papers at the stables this morning and I accidently walked in on Diamond having a heart-to-heart with her horse about Spade. I left as quietly as I could, and Diamond went on and on telling Ali Baba all her truths. I’m worried about her. She seems to be drifting further and further away. Even her interest in Roman appears to have vanished.”
¯¯¯
Steeped in sorrow, Lucky turned out to be the strong one among us. She opened Spade’s drawers, a task none of us had been able to do, and she pulled out all of Spade’s belongings and sorted them into baskets.
“Somebody had to do this,” she told me and Bella. “In the big baskets are the things I believe Spade would want us to donate. On the left are pictures and letters and posters and other things personal, and in the middle are the items I think she would want passed on to Ann Marie, Diamond, or me.” Then, very matter-of-factly, she commanded, “Please have Marvin arrange for someone to remove Spade’s bed.” Then Lucky pulled out a rolled-up piece of paper she said she found inside of Spade’s closet. “This is the poster from her very first performance. I was only a little girl, but I remember it clearly, just as I remember the morning you two dragged us out of bed to see the circus’s new banner.”
Bella and I stood there in awe. Lucky had done the hardest thing of all: she had gone through Spade’s life and made the tough decisions, and she expected us to abide by them. And we did.
Chapter 37
The country was not doing much better than the circus. Hardship and sorrow could be felt both inside and outside the circus grounds. Vladimir barely had enough money to pay the bills. “If Big Jim tried to steal our circus today,” Vladimir half joked with Marvin one afternoon when he thought I was asleep in the hammock, “I just might let him.”
The days were unusually cloudy. One gloomy day followed another. Finally, a large storm passed through and broke things up. It rained for hours, and right before sunset the sky offered up a little sprinkling of sunlight. “Did the rain come to wash away our sorrow?” I asked myself; then I looked up, wanting to bask in that small ray of light, and instead I was rewarded with a rainbow.
“Is this a sign from God?” I asked Marvin the next day when the rainbow returned.
It came and went as the rain and sun politely took turns. On the fourth morning, the rain disappeared and Marvin and I were awakened by bright skies and the sound of Lucky shrieking. Needing to see what the commotion was about, I threw on a robe and stuck my head outside.
Walking toward me was a woman carrying a baby. Both were dressed in scarlet, and to their right was Kyle.
“Ann Marie! Kyle!” I ran toward them, trying to keep my robe in place. “A little one is just what this circus needs,” I said, smiling.
“Ann Marie wanted to surprise you all with the baby,” said Kyle as he patted their little one on his back. “I can’t wait to see your parents’ faces when they lay eyes on their grandson.”
Marvin joined the conversation while I went to throw on a dress. After so much grief and sorrow, I wasn’t about to miss out on a happy occasion.
Ann Marie, I could see, was trying to hold herself together. “It’s very strange to be here, knowing I’ll never see my sister again,” she said to Marvin. “How can there be a Circus of the Queens without her?” No one present could answer her question. Marvin excused himself.
When the rest of us got to Vladimir and Bella’s sleeping car, Lucky’s shriek of joy turned to a low hum. “Shhh,” she told everyone. “We don’t want to wake the baby.”
Bella showered Ann Marie and Kyle Jr. with kisses until Vladimir’s patience had run its limit. “When’s Papa going to be able to hold his grandson in his arms?” Just then, Kyle entered.
“Sit down,” Kyle instructed. Then he lifted Kyle Jr. and put him on Vladimir’s lap. “Meet your grandson. His name is Kyle Vronsky Erhard Jr.”
Vladimir counted Kyle Jr.’s fingers and toes. “They’re all there.” He laughed. “Spade would have loved
him so.” And with that, Ann Marie went over and kissed her father. “How could you have kept this baby a secret?” Vladimir asked, and he reached out to his oldest daughter and held onto her as though his life depended on it. The baby between them cooing and smiling, Vladimir and Ann Marie broke down sobbing.
Just then, an almost unrecognizable, jubilant Diamond Claire came running into the room. Like a hard, faceted diamond, her entrance broke up the intensity until it dissipated and turned to joy. “How long will you stay?” she asked, then looked at Vladimir in his chair. “Oh my God, who do we have here? I heard you were back, and that you brought a surprise.” Diamond swooped up her nephew in the most natural of movements and started giving the baby big smooches on his belly.
“This is Kyle Vronsky Erhard Jr.” Ann Marie smiled. For a second, I thought I could see the translucent sparkle I had always associated with Diamond return to her cheeks.
Kyle Jr. didn’t know anything about sadness, mourning, or death, and soon his big grin and funny gestures began to rub off on everyone. We had been in darkness too long. We reveled in the baby’s goofy antics, and when Vladimir saw him lift his foot and reach it behind his head, he puffed up with pride. “Now that’s the mark of a true Vronsky,” he said smiling from ear to ear.
¯¯¯
Every day, Harsita took Kyle Jr. for rides on Bess and had Emily play the harmonica for him. Together they put on quite a show, and everyone who could made up an excuse to be there and watch, especially me.
“It’s no wonder he’s a happy baby. Look at all the attention he’s getting,” Marvin laughed as he squeezed my hand.
“Look at the twinkle in that little boy’s eyes. Don’t you love to hear him gurgle?”
I lit up whenever I saw Kyle Jr., and when I saw him with Emily and Bess, he became doubly irresistible.
Unable to bear the thought of the baby leaving us, we all did what we could to prolong Ann Marie and Kyle’s visit.
“I could use a little help with the books,” Bella told her daughter Ann Marie.
“Harsita would love your opinion about a new trick he wants to teach Emily, Kyle,” said Vladimir. But just wanting them to stay wasn’t enough for Kyle. He was a professional and he was proud.
Eventually, Kyle came to me to ask for advice. “We love our ranch, but right now we believe Ann Marie’s place is here with the circus and her family. Still, I have a family to support. Do you think Vladimir would consider letting a rodeo boy join his circus? I’d put together a fine act!”
With young boys dreaming of becoming cowboys, Spade dead and buried, Vladimir refusing to walk the rope, Diamond uncertain what direction her own life should take, a fresh act like Kyle’s was just what the Circus of the Queens needed. I set my mind to make this work.
“I know exactly what to do,” I told him.
Later that same night, before Marvin and I went to sleep, I made certain he was in a good mood, and then I gently nudged him.
“Kyle dropped by this afternoon. We got to talking about the rodeo. He helped me understand its artistry and tradition. He reminded me that the rodeo is the circus of the West, and it got me thinking how foolish we are to be sitting on one of the best Western circus acts in the country and doing nothing with it. When I looked at it that way, I thought, wouldn’t it be great to add Kyle to our lineup?”
“Funny you should say that,” Marvin replied. “Why just today I put out the word that the Circus of the Queens is looking for a new act, and who better than Kyle? But Donatella, don’t get your hopes up. I know Vladimir wants Ann Marie and baby Kyle close, but I’m not certain how he’ll react to adding rodeo to his show.”
“We’ve all had to readjust our dreams,” I replied, a little snappish.
The following night, Marvin and Vladimir sat by the fire while Kyle, Ann Marie, Bella, and I anxiously waited in my carriage. It could go either way, we all knew that; still, it didn’t stop Bella from praying Vladimir would see the beauty of the plan. However, we knew there was always a chance that he would not.
We sent Lucky to do one of the things she did best: eavesdrop. When she heard her father ask for Kyle, then the cork from a champagne bottle go flying, she shrieked so loud it would have been annoying if we hadn’t been so grateful!
“We all deserve a treat tonight,” Vladimir said to Lucky, aware that she had been in the bushes. “Go fetch your mother, Donatella, Ann Marie, and Diamond.”
In the time it took for Lucky to get us and return, she had composed a limerick to honor Ann Marie, Kyle, and the baby. Impressed, I later asked her to write it down. It was clear she was finding her way back with words.
Ann Marie left us for cowboy Kyle.
They rode Sir Charles for many a mile.
He built her a home
So she wouldn’t roam,
This queen, like a bee, oh so fer-tile.
Despite the new infusion of life that had come in the form of Kyle Jr., Roman continued to visibly look lost. Not even a baby could lift his spirits. And if any of Spade’s loved ones had a smile on their face when they passed him, he would give us a look as if to say we were betraying Spade’s memory.
One day, he stopped me as I waved hello and almost immediately he began to sport a self-righteous attitude. “Donatella, I can’t get her out of my head. Sometimes I think Diamond and I are the only ones still missing her.”
With that, I lost my temper. I had had enough. “Don’t you ever say that!” I said, so sharply he pulled back from me as if I had slapped him. It was the first time I had ever been truly angry with Roman. “Don’t you ever assume you are the only one still suffering. Have you seen Vladimir? Have you not heard Bella weeping every night? Don’t you understand the sadness and the guilt we all feel? How dare you!” I glared at him until he shivered and then I turned around and left.
I had never been so harsh. Much of my anger had nothing to do with Roman; I too had needed to lash out. What was the answer to the puzzle I was trying to solve? Could Hervé be near? And if he was, what did he want from me and why would he come back to haunt me after all these years? No, I decided it had to be someone else. Still, until I could make sense of the cards that had been left and the shadow I sometimes felt following me, I would keep it to myself.
Yes, I felt badly about how I had behaved in regard to Roman, but he wasn’t the only one trying to move on—and anyway, I felt as if he’d deserved it.
“It’s okay, Donatella,” said Marvin when I told him about it later that same night. “Roman loves you, and once he’s recovered from the shock of losing Spade, he’ll understand. Who knows? Maybe you knocked some sense into his head.”
Marvin made me feel a little better, though my encounter with Roman showed me how close to the surface my anger and sorrow were residing.
We are all a mess! I thought before I gently laid my head on my pillow for the night.
Similarly, Lucky put up with Diamond’s morose mood until she couldn’t. “All of us are sad, Diamond,” she finally said, “Spade would never want this for you and I can’t stand to see you like this.” When Lucky told me about this encounter with Diamond, she confessed her own dream of moving to New Orleans to study literature. “I’m going to have to convince my parents. Do you think that I can?” Lucky asked.
Not long thereafter, Lucky and Bella took a short trip to New Orleans and Lucky returned with a new stack of books. Had Lucky told her mother about the dreams she’d shared with me?
Chapter 38
Ann Marie, Kyle, and the baby returned to their ranch to pack up their belongings. It was a sentimental time. Ann Marie had mixed emotions but knew she was doing the only thing she could do. And like with everyone else, I became the keeper of the truth even though I kept my own secret worry hidden:
“Kyle’s hired a caretaker to keep an eye on the property and to make certain no poachers move in while we’re gone,” Anne Marie exp
lained. “He’s packed up the barn and his favorite saddles and brushes, and I’ve bundled up only what we will need and things of great sentimental value.”
When the waves of sadness wash over me like a tsunami, I get on my swing and go as high as I can. Then I close my eyes and talk to Spade. I ask for her forgiveness for having been so far away.
While Ann Marie and Kyle packed up their lives, we at the circus awaited their return. Darkness had fallen over us like a heavy morning fog, but we’d witnessed a glimmer of light and had learned to bask in small gifts. We had had no idea, before Spade fell, how death can bury the living in guilt.
¯¯¯
After Spade’s death, both Diamond and I began to share an innate need to dive deeper into our souls, then see if we could go even further. Most people would find this frightening and uncomfortable, but Diamond and I found it exhilarating, and it helped to build a quiet understanding between us. Vladimir and Bella counted on me more and more to help make sense of their daughter’s actions. But sometimes even I was at a loss.
Ann Marie and Kyle were still back at their ranch when Diamond stopped me one afternoon on my way to visit Emily and Bess.
“Lucky’s right,” she confessed. “Spade wouldn’t want me wasting my time spending my days being so sad. She’d want me grabbing onto life, doing what I think I should do, even if it’s different. I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to leave, and I think it would be easier for everyone if I made my move before Ann Marie and Kyle get settled in and we start to get attached to one another again. If I don’t do it now, I’m afraid I never will.”
Diamond didn’t say when she intended to leave, what she planned to do, or where she would go. But several days later a written invitation appeared on my pillow:
Please join me by the fire
The Fortune Teller's Fate Page 23
