The Single Mom's Second Chance (Sweet Briar Sweethearts Book 7)
Page 9
“My apple was seeing all the different kinds of birds, especially the babies. I liked the way they looked around, trying to see their world.”
“Me, too,” Megan added. “The baby birds were so cute.”
“Didn’t you like it when Uncle Paul carried you?” Suzanne pressed, clearly displeased that Roz’s answer wasn’t the one she’d wanted to hear.
More than you could ever imagine.
“Sure,” Roz said, trying to sound casual even as her heart was jumping up and down in excitement at the memory. “But remember, I was asleep for most of it.” But when she had awakened, she’d felt pure bliss from her head to her toes. For a moment, all had been right in the world. Of course, that was just a fantasy. Nothing had changed between them or in her life.
“We should go back there again,” Megan said.
Roz flashed her oldest daughter a grin, more than happy to change the subject. “Definitely. But there are so many other fun places to go.”
“There’s going to be a carnival in a few weeks,” Nathaniel pointed out. “Bobby’s going with his dad and Charlotte. We should go, too.”
“That’s a good idea,” Roz replied. It was already on the list of fun activities that she and Paul were considering. It depended on her energy that day. They’d chosen a children’s puppet show for the next activity. Thankfully, that would require much less energy. She was loath to admit it, but she still tired easily.
The conversation moved to other topics and she listened absently as the others chatted among themselves. They laughed often and even little Suzanne giggled a few times.
Paul insisted on cleaning the kitchen and helping Megan and Suzanne with their baths. When the girls were dressed in their favorite pajamas, Roz joined them in their bedroom for prayers and a bedtime story. It was Suzanne’s turn to choose the book. The girls enjoyed fairy tales, but it was a little surprising when Suzanne chose “The Three Pigs.” Not that Roz was complaining. She didn’t want her daughters to grow up believing some prince was going to rescue them from the troubles they were certain to encounter in life. Not to mention that Roz was sick to death of reading a sappy, romantic story that ended happily ever after when her life was such a mess.
And wasn’t this whole line of thought just ridiculous? She looked up and realized that she was sitting frozen on Megan’s bed, the open book in her hands.
“I’ll read tonight if you want,” Paul offered.
“Thanks, but no. Reading to my girls is the favorite part of my day.” She snuggled the girls sitting on either side of her a bit closer. On those occasions when she’d been too sick to read, Paul had taken over story time. Even though she’d been having good days, Paul remained part of the ritual, sitting on the foot of the bed.
Roz read the words, telling the familiar story of the pigs. She looked up to find Paul staring at her, an unfathomable look in his eyes. Disconcerted, she looked back at the page and read the first words she saw.
“You said that already, Mommy,” Megan complained.
“Sorry. I guess I lost my place.” She quickly resumed reading, hoping she was in the right spot. No one grumbled, so she guessed she’d gotten it right. Now if only her voice would stop quivering.
Finally, she reached the end, with the big bad wolf huffing and puffing but failing to blow the house in. The girls cheered and Suzanne hopped off Megan’s bed and jumped into her own. Roz tucked them in and kissed them on the forehead. Suzanne wrapped her arms around Roz’s neck and held on for a long moment before releasing her and snuggling under her blanket. Both little girls were sound asleep before Roz and Paul were out of the room.
They crossed the hall to Nathaniel’s room, said good-night to him, then stepped back into the hallway where they faced each other. Roz didn’t know whether Paul intended to go to his room or go back downstairs. Standing this close to him in the dimly lit hallway left her tongue-tied and unable to ask.
He seemed equally incapable of speaking, so they continued to stare at each other. After a long moment, he blew out a breath. “How are you feeling?”
She was so tired of answering that question and barely kept from snapping. There was more to her than nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. She was still a woman. “I’m fine.”
“Good.” He nodded. “Then we can continue our conversation from earlier.”
Suddenly her knees wobbled. She knew from experience that Paul could be stubborn when he thought the situation warranted it. If he wanted to talk about feelings—or whatever—they were going to talk. If not now, then later. She didn’t want this conversation hanging over her head.
“Okay. How about a mug of cocoa?” she offered.
“For you. I’d rather have a cup of coffee.”
She grinned. “You never were a fan of chocolate.”
He smiled in return and her heart skipped a beat. “And you never liked coffee.”
“The great aroma is false advertising. It doesn’t taste a thing like it smells.”
They walked to the kitchen together then set about making their beverages. She heated the milk slowly, then added squares of Hershey’s chocolate, stirring until the chocolate melted. She poured the liquid into her favorite mug, added a dollop of whipped cream, stretching out the process as long as she could, then sat at the table.
“Do you think you’ll be more comfortable on the sofa?” Paul asked, standing in the doorway that led to the front room.
Physically, definitely. The soft cushions were preferable to the hard wooden chairs. Emotionally, no way. She needed the barrier the table provided. If she got too comfortable, she might let down her guard and reveal things better left hidden. Like how she’d do just about anything to have a second chance with him. “This is good.”
Nodding, he pulled out the chair across from her. He stirred cream and sugar into his coffee before looking up at her. Blowing out a breath, he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms across his muscular chest. “So you think I hate you.”
She rocked back. Talk about cutting to the chase. Well she could be direct, too. “Hate might be a little strong, but you don’t like me. I’ve known that for years. You’re always polite as can be, but there’s no warmth in your voice. And your eyes could give a polar bear frostbite. And before you tell me that I’m imagining things, look at the situation we’re in. What if Suzanne has sensed your feelings and the tension between us and it’s adding to her stress about my disease?”
“Maybe I’ve been cold at times. Unnecessarily so, to be honest. But that doesn’t mean I hate you. I don’t.” He rubbed a hand over his close-cropped hair. It was still jet-black without a hint of gray. “Truth be told, I’m not sure how I feel about you. I’m conflicted, you know?”
She nodded. She understood since she was confused herself. On one hand, she was grateful to him for coming when she’d asked. On the other hand, she resented his presence and hated needing him. On another hand, she was becoming more attracted to him every day and wanted another chance to see if they could get it right this time. But on another hand...well, a person only had two hands. Forgetting that was further proof that she was a walking mess of contradictions.
“But I love those kids,” he continued. “I’m certain about that. And I will do anything to make sure that they’re okay.”
“About that. I know you care about them, but I don’t want you lying to them. That’s not right.”
“When have I lied?”
“You told Nathaniel you’d take him out on your boat.”
He nodded.
“You and I both know that isn’t going to happen. But he doesn’t. When he discovers that you didn’t mean it, he’ll be heartbroken.”
Paul’s eyes narrowed. “Who said I didn’t mean it?”
“Come on, Paul. You’ve never taken him on your boat before. You’re here now but you’ll get back to your life in Florida, leaving us behin
d. I know that, but Nathaniel doesn’t. He loves you and believes what you say. He’s going to be devastated when you don’t keep this promise.”
Paul was as still as stone, yet he seemed to vibrate with anger. But she wouldn’t take back her words. Her child’s happiness was at stake. If she didn’t stand up for Nathaniel, who would? She knew what it felt like to be left behind and forgotten.
Reaching out, she touched his hand. “I know you don’t mean to set him up for disappointment. But that’s not going to make it hurt any less.”
“I never say things I don’t mean.”
She could have reminded him that he’d promised to come back for her but had forgotten about her easily enough. Instead, she said nothing. Her hurt feelings years ago weren’t the issue.
“I told Nathaniel I would take him on my boat and I intend to do just that.”
“How? Your boat is in Florida. We’re here. Are you going to take him home with you? When? How? He has school and you have work. A life to get back to.”
He glared at her but didn’t answer.
“I take it you didn’t think about any of that. You didn’t need to. You can simply make promises. But I have to think about these things. I’m Nathaniel’s mother.”
“And I’m his uncle. That might not matter to you, but it matters to me.”
“I didn’t say it didn’t matter,” Roz protested. The conversation was veering off in a direction she hadn’t anticipated. “I’m just asking you to be careful not to make promises to my kids. You might not mean to hurt them, but trust me when I say that it won’t take away the pain.”
Paul blew out a breath. She thought he might press his point further, but he just looked grim instead. “Fine.”
They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few more minutes. Roz looked into her mug of chocolate, the desire to drink it gone. It was lukewarm now anyway. Standing, she dumped the remaining liquid into the sink. “Are we finished here? I really need to get some sleep.”
Paul looked at her for a long minute. He nodded. “Yeah. We’re finished.”
She knew that he was talking about more than that conversation. He was talking about them. The possibility of giving a romantic relationship another try. Her heart ached at the realization that there wouldn’t be a second chance for them, but she knew he was right. They were finished. They had been for a long time.
Chapter Nine
Roz closed the small suitcase and then took a deep breath. She’d been dreading this moment for days. Weeks. She’d finished her last round of chemotherapy and now that the chemo was no longer in her system, the surgeon was ready to operate. The chemo had shrunk the tumor, making its removal easier and safer.
But first, she had to say goodbye to her children. She’d been preparing them for a couple of days, and they knew she would be in the hospital in Charlotte for a few days after surgery. Her intention had been to get them used to the idea, but it hadn’t had the desired effect. Suzanne had become clingier and had refused to sleep in her own bed, insisting on sleeping with Roz. Neither girl would go to the youth center after school or on weekends, choosing to stay at home with Roz. Nathaniel had become more protective of his sisters, repeatedly assuring Roz that he would take care of them.
“Ready?” Paul asked, coming into her room. He took the bag from her and his eyes searched hers.
“I’m scared,” she admitted. Her voice wobbled.
“I know. But everything is going to be fine,” he said. That had become his mantra of the past week. She didn’t know if he was reassuring her or himself.
He released the bag and put his arm around her waist, pulling her into a gentle hug. He rubbed his hands up and down her back in soothing circles. Although she knew it was dangerous to her heart to rely on him too much, she leaned into his embrace, drawing comfort from his nearness. After a few moments, they drew apart, though he stayed near as they walked to the front room.
“It’s time for me to leave,” Roz announced. She tried to sound cheerful, but her joy sounded phony even to her own ears. She looked at her kids, huddled against each other on the sofa, and her prepared speech fled. They looked so small sitting there. So vulnerable.
“Okay, Mom,” Nathaniel said, tightening his arms around his sisters, who sat on either side of him.
“I’ll be home soon.”
“After your operation?” Megan asked.
“Yes.” Roz had explained that she was having surgery to remove the sick parts of her body. Fortunately she didn’t need a hysterectomy.
“Then you’ll be well?” Megan asked. She’d asked this question repeatedly over the past couple of days.
“Then I’ll be well. It might take me a little while to get strong again.”
“And your hair will grow back so you won’t be ball-headed anymore,” Suzanne said. She didn’t like seeing Roz’s bald head, so Roz made a point of wearing a scarf.
Roz cringed and fought the urge to touch it. “Yes. But that’ll take time, too.”
“I’ll take care of everything,” Nathaniel promised.
“I know you will,” Roz said. “Now, everyone give me a hug.”
The kids jumped to their feet and she gave them each a hug. Then, as if by unspoken agreement, they swarmed her as one, holding on for dear life. She squeezed them tight, not wanting to let them go.
“We need to get going,” Paul said, detangling the kids from her and leading her out the door. The kids followed and stood close together on the porch. Charlotte, who was staying with them until Paul returned, stood behind them. Roz got in the car and looked at them through the passenger window as Paul drove away. She didn’t face forward until the house disappeared from sight.
“They’ll be fine,” Paul promised.
“I know.” Her voice revealed the doubt and sorrow she felt. But what else could she say?
“You won’t be gone that long.”
“It’ll feel like forever.”
“I know. But it won’t be.”
“If something happens to me...”
“It won’t.” He turned on the radio, putting an end to the conversation he clearly didn’t want to have. She didn’t press him because she didn’t want to have that talk either. She didn’t even want to consider the possibility of the worst occurring. But there was a heaviness in the air and in her spirit that prevented her from talking or thinking about anything else. Paul seemed to have the same problem, because he didn’t say another word on the entire drive to the hospital.
When they arrived, he parked and they walked side by side to the entrance. She’d practically memorized the written instructions and maps she’d been provided, so she led him to the registration area.
A middle-aged woman was sitting at the check-in desk, and, within minutes, Roz had been admitted. A nurse greeted them and led Roz to her room.
“I guess you need to leave?” Roz asked Paul. She couldn’t imagine he’d want to stay. Though things between them weren’t as tense as they’d been when he’d arrived, they still had a hard time communicating. Nothing ever came out the way she wanted it to. It was as if her thoughts took a twisting road from her brain to her mouth.
He looked surprised and then shook his head. “No. Charlotte will stay with the kids until I get back.”
Relief surged through her. “Thanks.”
He closed his hand over hers. “I told you before that you’re not alone. I’m here for the long haul, so just relax.”
Warmth filled her heart and she smiled. For the first time in a long time she felt at peace. Maybe she’d been wrong. Perhaps Paul actually did care for her. Maybe instead of just assuming the worst about his motives, she should give him the benefit of the doubt.
The nurse brought in a gown and directed Roz to change into it.
“I’ll step outside,” Paul said. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze before he left.
“You decent?”
“Yes.”
He stepped all the way into the room and sat at the chair beside her bed. She had a single room, so she was guaranteed to have privacy for any conversations they had. “I called Charlotte. She said the kids are fine.”
“Thanks. I don’t know what I would do without her.”
“Do you need anything?” Paul asked.
“Just for this all to be over.”
“If I had the power to make it so, it would be.”
Paul’s heartfelt words felt so good, Roz basked in them. Even after he gave her an awkward kiss on the cheek that made her toes tingle and promised to see her after surgery, she mulled them over and over, happiness floating through her. She might be able to get through this after all.
* * *
Paul clenched his jaw and paced to the other end of the hallway, not stopping until his nose was mere inches away from the pale blue wall. The hospital administrators had probably chosen this paint color because they thought it soothing. It wasn’t.
He inhaled deeply, then slowly blew out a ragged breath and tried to assure himself that Roz would be fine. But after enduring months of chemotherapy that had left her weak and violently ill, he was worried. Paul knew this operation was the next step in a solid treatment plan, but that didn’t lessen his concern. He might not be in love with her, but he’d come to care a great deal for her. Probably more than was wise.
“Mr. Stephens?”
Paul jerked and turned to face the nurse. She was smiling, which he took as a good sign. Or as close to good as one could expect under the circumstances.
“How is Roz?”
“She’s out of surgery and on her way to recovery. Dr. Perry will be out to speak with you soon, so you should return to the waiting room.”