by C. J. Duggan
I so desperately wanted to ask about who Holly was, but didn’t dare go there. Louisa didn’t seem one to keep a secret, and mentioning Holly could open a can of worms. The situation was far more complicated than I could have ever imagined.
Poor Alistair. Poor sweet Grace.
My sadness soon morphed into anger, but it was a new kind. I was angry at the Worthingtons – Penny, Emily, even Nikki – for not being honest with me. It was one thing for Ben to not want me to know, but surely someone could have told me, prepared me?
I blinked back the moistness in my eyes, straightening in my seat and trying to keep my emotions in check in front of Louisa, who looked at me intently with her big doe eyes.
‘What was she like?’ I asked. I wanted to know but I didn’t want to know, if that makes any sense. Not that anything made sense anymore. There was not one picture, no trace of her whatsoever at the townhouse – it was like Caroline never existed. I knew people dealt with grief in different ways, but I just couldn’t process it.
Something crossed Louisa’s face, something I couldn’t quite read, as she suddenly found a stray thread in her shirt particularly fascinating. ‘Yeah, she was nice.’
I wanted her to say more, but I wouldn’t push. It was more information than I would have ever garnered on my own from Ben or his family, so I was grateful to her for that. Louisa wasn’t going to be my new best buddy or anything, but at least she’d told me the truth, even though her sudden change in demeanour made me think she was holding something back. Maybe I was just being paranoid.
With the mood in the room altered and our half-eaten dinner gone cold, I was ready to call it a night and head downstairs to give Ben the sign to escape. I could only hope he had finished his meal and was ready to go. Now that I had unearthed such a huge secret, I had no idea how to act or feel. I’d gone from not wanting to look at him to not knowing how to look at him.
‘Wait a sec, I better go check on Evie,’ Louisa said, uncrossing her legs and launching out of her seat as if fire burned underneath her.
Before I could say goodbye, and thank her for the information, she was gone. I sighed, throwing myself against the chair, mentally drained and desperate to get home.
Just because I knew the truth didn’t mean I would be letting anyone else know. If the Worthingtons had worked so intently to keep the secret from me, then I would happily play along. Right now I wanted to hug Grace to me tightly and never let her go.
This job was as it had always been: all about Grace. More so now than ever.
I didn’t know if I was lost in my thoughts or just a poor judge of time, but Louisa seemed to be taking far too long to return. Perhaps sweet little sleeping Evie wasn’t so sweet or sleepy at all. I decided to leave the library, and made my way down the long, dim hall to try to see if I could say goodbye to Louisa before I headed downstairs. I crept along, a true expert at being quiet in any house. It was a talent I had perfected. If Louisa was having difficulty with Evie I didn’t want to disturb them.
I approached a door that was undoubtedly Evie’s, coloured letters spelling her name across its surface. I smiled, thinking I would do the exact same thing to Grace’s room one day. I put my head closer to the door to listen for crying or voices. There was a soft glow coming from the bedroom and I peered through the doorway, half expecting to see Louisa comforting Evie with a bedtime story, or perhaps lying by her side until she settled. So when I found only the tiny bump in the bed of a deeply sleeping Evie, I frowned. Louisa was nowhere in sight.
I backed away from the door. She’d probably gone down to the party, forgetting about me and our depressing conversation. I was a bit annoyed, thinking I had been left there all that time while Louisa was probably arm-in-arm with Penny, her number-one fan. Oh, well, I had tried to do the right thing but now it was time to go. Just as I was about to head down the hall, I heard a crash, followed by a muted giggle. I stopped dead. Even though the noise had come from the opposite direction of where I had to go, it got the better of me. I doubled back and crept down the hall.
A strip of light from the bathroom at the end of the hall lit a streak across the carpet – the door was not fully closed. A shadow flickered across the strip of light; there was definitely someone in there. If it was Louisa, I could say goodbye after all. I owed her as much after she’d shared such valuable knowledge. I stood to the side of the door and peered in through the gap to see if I could see her, hoping I wouldn’t catch her on the toilet.
I could see her all right. I could see way too much of her. Her hands gripped the vanity and her skirt was hitched over her hips, her top and bra peeled down in front. The only thing preserving her breasts’ modesty was the hands that gripped them – hands that belonged to Grant Peterson. He slammed into her from behind, groaning and cursing under his breath. He was looking down, his trousers around his ankles as he moved his grip from her breasts to her hips for better leverage, pushing her higher onto her toes as he moved faster.
Holy shit!
I ran down the hall, caring little about making a noise that might wake Evie – or alert the whole house, for that matter. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. And if I never came back or saw the likes of Louisa again it would be too soon. I swung around the banister to hit the stairs and slammed into something bony.
‘Oh, you stupid girl, watch where you’re going,’ spat Penny Worthington, her eyes ablaze as she rubbed her arm. ‘Honestly, Sarah, a bit of decorum wouldn’t go astray.’
I breathed out a laugh, not in the mood for her bullshit tonight, nor any other night. ‘Don’t speak to me like that,’ I said, perhaps a bit too loudly. I glanced past Penny to where Ben lingered, leaning against the bottom banister, watching us. The expression on his face was nothing compared to the way Penny looked at me now. I suppose no one spoke to Penny Worthington like that – no one.
‘I had hoped you might learn something from Louisa,’ she said icily, still rubbing at her arm.
It took all my strength not to roll my eyes. ‘I certainly did.’
‘Oh, good, well, there is hope for you yet,’ she said, patting me on the shoulder in the most patronising way. ‘Now, where is lovely Louisa? I have to ask her something before she retires for the night.’
In spite of the shock of what I had just stumbled across – Louisa and Grant Peterson, her boss, the father of her client, a married man – I couldn’t bring myself to throw her under the bus. I stood in Penny’s way, blocking her.
‘Um, I think she’s just dealing with Evie, she was pretty restless tonight, probably best not to disturb her.’
Penny smiled. ‘Such a tireless employee,’ she said with a sparkle in her dead eyes.
‘Yeah, really dedicated,’ I said under my breath, standing my ground until I was certain that Penny was going to move in the direction I wanted. It took a stare that would most likely melt the flesh from my face, but she moved, although not without a sigh.
I shook my head and followed her down the stairs. I locked eyes with an ever-watchful Ben, and I mentally slapped myself for the public spectacle with his mother. Sprung in the study with a tumbler of whisky, now this? Nice one, Sarah.
As much as I dreaded each step that drew me closer to Ben, I lifted my chin and remained calm as I stood before him. Nothing to see here. Or upstairs, for that matter.
‘What did she say to you?’
‘Nothing, why?’ I shrugged.
Ben folded his arms as he studied me intently. ‘You’re blushing.’
An image of Louisa and Grant zipped through my mind and I swear I could feel myself turning a deeper shade of scarlet. I cleared my throat and tried to forget what I’d seen. ‘You know how you said I wouldn’t have to ask you twice?’
He nodded.
‘Well, trust me, we have to go.’
‘I just thought I’d say goodbye to Grant and —’
I grabbed his arm. ‘Right. Now.’
Chapter Twenty-Seven
If Ben had seemed shocked by
the confession of what I had seen, he didn’t show it. In fact, I was rather disappointed by his reaction when I told him I had caught Louisa and Grant together. I would have expected outrage, disgust, an ounce of surprise, but there was nothing. Just brooding silence that lasted our whole way home. I tried not to let the tension build in my mind.
Don’t judge, Sarah. This is how he deals with things, he bottles up his emotions, remember?
Already my newfound knowledge stopped me from thinking the worst of Ben, who I spied on through the reflection of my passenger window. I wondered if he was thinking about what we had almost done, and what a mistake it had been. I felt like a hypocrite, judging Louisa for something I had almost done myself. But it was different: Ben wasn’t married, he was a widower.
Yeah, Sarah, that’s so much better.
Oh, how I hated the little voice inside my head, the one that pointed out all the things I didn’t want to think about. I suddenly felt sick.
Pushing the disasters of the night to the back of my mind, I had a small victory in putting Grace down to sleep with little difficulty. Of all the nights I needed a distraction, Grace wasn’t going to be the one to give it to me. I sighed, brushing her hair from her face, and my heart swelled as I looked down at the beautiful sleeping figure.
‘You can keep me up all night, every night, if you want, I’m not going anywhere,’ I whispered, kissing the tips of my fingers and touching her gently on the cheek. If anything, the news about Caroline only made me more adamant to ride out the fatigue, to not give up on Grace, to be there for her and Ben in this mixed-up family, even on the days it was bloody awful. The Liebenbergs had put me forward to help out with this situation. And that was exactly what I was going to do, in a calm, patient, understanding way. I felt uplifted as I descended the stairs, my confidence high.
‘Did you have a good night?’
I peered across the foyer to where his voice had come from, and sure enough, there he was at the window in the parlour. He was sitting in the dark, his elbows resting on his knees, folding his tie in his hands. He’d obviously been waiting for me. It took me a moment to realise what he was talking about. My blank expression must have told him as much.
‘Well, aside from the live-sex show and wanting to push my mother down the stairs,’ he continued.
I was taken aback by his tone. I had partly regretted my actions tonight, but there was another part of me that stood by my abruptness with Penny: I’d prevented her from seeing said live-sex show. He should be bloody thanking me that I’d averted a heart attack.
‘Apart from that,’ I said, not denying it.
‘I know she’s not the easiest person to get along with but I do think you should make more of an effort with her,’ he said, lazily pushing himself back into his chair.
I could feel my blood boiling. He was one to talk about making an effort with family. ‘Well, family connections are very important, especially for Grace,’ I said.
‘Mother did mention tonight that you seemed reluctant for her to come visit.’
Was he serious? Was I on the stand here? Rage burned in the pit of my stomach. Since when was he Team Penny?
‘Ah, she cancelled on me.’ To secretly have lunch with your estranged brother.
‘So you do want her to come and see you?’ he asked, looking at me expectantly.
I thought about it, and as much as I told myself I would try to become more patient, to not forget what Ben had endured and not take his manner personally – after all, this wasn’t about me or Penny, this was about Grace – I couldn’t help my anger; it wasn’t just his questioning, it was something else altogether.
‘I just want your mum to see me.’ I raised my voice. ‘I want this family to see me, not lock me away to raise a child and not even be able to eat in the same room as any of you like it’s the eighteen hundreds.’ The floodgates were beginning to open.
‘Louisa wasn’t at the table either,’ Ben said matter-offactly, as if that explained everything.
His words only served to make me angrier. ‘And that makes it okay?’
‘Is that what this is really about?’ he said, standing and walking into the light of the foyer. He leant against an alcove, crossing his arms over his chest and looking down at me. ‘Do you always need to be the centre of attention?’
I would have snapped had there not been a mischievous glimmer in his eyes, like he was trying to bait me, something I couldn’t have seen without the glow lighting his face.
I took a deep breath, calming my anger as I spoke quietly. ‘I just want to be respected.’
Ben went to say something, but thought better of it. He closed the distance between us, and I could feel the heat of him next to me. My stomach gave a strange flutter as he examined my face almost like a caress. Why did this man have to be so damn sexy, so distracting? Every inhalation of his cologne made it tough for me to concentrate.
‘I respect you,’ he said, and I could feel my heart tighten. I was lost. Ben said the words I wanted to hear, and I could feel my frosty resolve begin to thaw. But of course he had to spoil it by continuing to talk, his face shuttering once more, a troubled expression etched across his brow. ‘But what happened tonight at the Petersons’ —’
‘Oh, you mean a married man fucking the nanny?’
‘That’s none of our business.’
‘Did you know about it?’ It was the million-dollar question; he hadn’t seemed surprised when I’d told him and that bothered me.
His silence told me all I needed to know.
‘You’re angry at me because my actions prevented your mother from witnessing them in the act? How long have you known? God, you probably swill whisky and smoke cigars in your boys’ club, comparing notes.’
‘I think you’ve read one too many historical romance novels,’ Ben scoffed.
‘Well, tell me it’s not like that, tell me you don’t laugh about the little piece you have stashed in your townhouse, the one you nearly did in the kitchen,’ I blurted.
Ben’s eyes were ablaze; never before had I seen him so angry as he stepped closer to me.
‘I’m not Grant Peterson,’ he said with a harsh edge to his voice. ‘Why do you think I have you in this house, away from that world? I can’t help that I’m a Worthington, or that I was born into money. So much of that life is ugly and I don’t want Grace exposed to it. If that means you feel isolated or lonely here, so be it.’
I could feel my heart racing, looking into the eyes of a man who held so many secrets, so much pain, so much anger. He wanted to build a new world, a new life for himself, I understood that. Some secrets deserved to be locked away, and until the day Ben told me about them himself, I would let him keep them. All I could do with the little knowledge I had was to be there for him, and for Grace, in this world that was new to all of us.
The tension in my shoulders began to melt. I didn’t even know why we were arguing. I knew Ben wasn’t Grant, but the insecurity I felt touched a nerve. I didn’t want to be a plaything like Louisa, I didn’t want to be tucked away two years from now, all jaded, like her. I just wanted – hell, I don’t even know what I wanted any more. And when my heart whispered what it truly wanted, I shut it down, because what my heart wanted was the stuff of fairytales. Ben was not the man for me, he was a man I was enthralled with the idea of. The reality was oh so different.
I met Ben’s gaze dead on. ‘You’re right. It’s not about me, or you … it’s about Grace. And if you want to build a new world for her, then you are probably going to have to make sure that you’re in it.’
It was the first time I had spoken of his absence, and as soon as I did, I saw something unmistakable blaze in his eyes. It scared me. It was enough for me to know I had overstepped the mark in a big way, enough to have me walk away from him, leaving him with those words. I was trembling, knowing that those heated, angry eyes were watching my every step as I ascended the stairs. I feared, hoped, he might stop me going to my room but he didn’t, and I don’
t know if I was relieved, or if I felt even worse.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I sat as I had done before: on edge; straight back, hands clasped, forced smile. There was no other way to be sitting in Penny Worthington’s parlour, opposite the woman herself. Who was laughing at me. She was actually laughing at me, stomach-clutching, eye-watering laughter. I couldn’t believe it.
She sighed, catching her breath. ‘Oh, Sarah, you do amuse me.’
My smile faltered, confusion lining my face, as I thought about what I’d said. It wasn’t funny, at least I didn’t think it was.
‘I just wanted to apologise for the way I spoke to you last night,’ I repeated. Nope, not funny. ‘And I don’t want you to ever feel like you are not welcome to come and visit with Grace at any time.’ I could feel the bile burning my throat as visions of daily visits from Penny sped through my mind. But I’d rolled Ben’s words over in my mind all night, and by morning I had convinced myself to make more of an effort with Grace’s grandmother. Lord knew it was complicated enough when it came to the Worthington family.
Penny scoffed, waving my words away. ‘Oh, my dear, don’t think I don’t know why you were so adamant about stopping me on those stairs last night.’
‘Sorry, what?’ I asked, leaning forward in my chair a little.
Penny poured more hot water into her teacup with a knowing smile. ‘Sarah, people have been having affairs with nannies, gardeners, pool boys since the dawn of time. It’s almost a tradition.’
I stared at her. Surely she was joking? Were these people real? Did this sort of thing really happen?
‘Um, I just thought that …’ I stammered.
‘Don’t get me wrong – I will be forever in debt to you for preventing me from seeing any more of Grant Peterson than I need to.’
‘Oh God.’
‘Exactly, and let me tell you something: if the rumours are correct —’ Penny wriggled her pinky finger as she daintily held her cup of tea, ‘— it’s no wonder Melissa was having an affair with her tennis instructor in the Hamptons this past summer.’
