The Greatest Gift

by Rachael Johns

  Polly, too consumed with her own happiness, didn’t appear to notice. ‘I know, but when you know, you know, right? Apparently everyone in Scotty’s family gets married quick when they find The One. It’s a tradition. Besides, we might have a teensy tiny reason to hurry things up.’

  Before Claire could ask her what she meant, Polly’s hand dropped to her stomach and her grin grew even wider. ‘I’m going to be a mother!’

  Claire’s mouth fell open as bitter cold flowed from her heart to the rest of her body. She tried to recover quickly and not show anything but excitement for her closest friend.

  ‘Oh my God!’ She blinked back stupid tears, praying Polly would assume they were tears of joy. ‘Congratulations.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Polly flopped onto the bed beside Claire, causing Gerry and Sunny to leap off in disgust. As they stalked out of the room, she said, ‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my entire life. A baby might not have been planned, but who doesn’t want kids, right?’

  It was obviously a rhetorical question but Claire’s heart squeezed in reply. What you wanted and what you got weren’t always compatible.

  ‘And,’ Polly continued, ‘I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather have a family with than Scotty. Honestly, he’s just the best guy ever.’

  As her friend prattled on about the virtues of her new fiancé, Claire prayed that he and Jasper weren’t particularly close and didn’t see each other that often. In the couple of months that they’d been dating, Polly had never once mentioned Scotty talking about his cousin.

  ‘Do you want to hear how he proposed?’ Polly asked, jolting Claire’s thoughts.

  ‘Sure.’ She forced a smile and settled herself back on the pillows.

  ‘Well, remember his cousin Jasper? The one who almost took you up in a hot air balloon?’

  Claire nodded—her stomach turning to cement. She’d told Polly she’d chickened out, but she hadn’t mentioned her midnight dash, or the fact that she’d avoided Jasper’s calls afterwards until he’d eventually given up.

  ‘He and this other guy that works for him came down from the Hunter Valley and met Scotty and me on the foreshore, then Jasper took us up in a balloon over Sydney Harbour. It was the most magical thing I’ve ever experienced and honestly it wasn’t scary in the slightest. I’m such a dimwit but I was so overwhelmed by the whole thing that I didn’t even suspect Scotty was going to propose up there. When he did, I burst into tears and then kissed him so hard I almost knocked him out of the balloon. Jasper popped champagne—non-alcoholic stuff because, well, don’t want to hurt the baby—and we all toasted our happily ever after.’

  Claire kept smiling, even though her heart ached—at the talk of Jasper, at the fact that Polly had experienced the hot air balloon ride that Claire had forfeited, but mostly because Polly had so easily achieved something that she never would. ‘That’s some story to tell the grandkids,’ she managed.

  ‘I know. Now, the important business. You’ll be my maid of honour, won’t you?’

  ‘Well, I …’ Claire searched her mind for an excuse—right now the prospect of standing alongside a pregnant Polly didn’t fill her with joy, but she swallowed her sour grapes. She wouldn’t abandon her best friend on the most important day of her life. ‘Of course I will. When’s the wedding?’

  ‘As soon as we can book a venue and find a dress. You can choose your own bridesmaid outfit—I don’t care what colour you wear either. Ooh, I’m so excited. And did I tell you who the best man’s gonna be?’

  Claire’s already heavy heart filled with dread.

  She knew the answer even before Polly said it. ‘Jasper! That won’t be awkward, will it? You never did properly tell me what happened between you two.’

  ‘Nothing happened,’ Claire said, perhaps a tad too forcefully. Thankfully when Claire had returned from the Hunter Valley, Polly had been so consumed with Scotty that she hadn’t pressed her for more information when she’d cited a fear of heights. ‘Of course it’ll be fine.’

  So fine that the thought of it made her want to run out into the bathroom and throw up all the chips she’d just eaten.

  ‘Great! Because Scotty and Jasper are out in the lounge room now ready to talk details. Come on.’ The baby not yet hindering her movement, Polly leapt off the bed, grabbed Claire’s hand and started tugging.

  Claire didn’t budge an inch. ‘He’s out there now?’ Although she had whispered, she sounded hysterical even to herself.

  ‘That’s what I said.’ Polly frowned. ‘I thought you said seeing him wouldn’t be a problem?’

  She’d lied about that but she’d also thought she’d have time to prepare herself for such an occurrence. ‘It’s not, I’m just surprised at the speed all this is happening. Give me a couple of moments to throw on some company-worthy clothes—’ she gestured to her stained Cats the musical t-shirt and her decade-old tracksuit pants, ‘—and I’ll be with you.’

  ‘Okay, but don’t take too long,’ Polly said, before floating out of the room.

  Claire scrambled off the bed and shut the door. She turned around and stared at her window, contemplating climbing out of it—who cared that they were three storeys off the ground?—and running the hell away. Again. But that solution would only be a temporary one. She couldn’t leave the cats for long, and when she returned Polly would still be pregnant and engaged to Jasper’s cousin.

  The thought of going out there and acting all polite and friendly to Jasper, acting as if he hadn’t been pretty much the only thing she’d thought about in months, filled her with dread. Would he even speak to her? He had every right to be angry at her for leaving without so much as a note and then ignoring his attempts to make contact.

  Telling herself that if she didn’t make an appearance soon Polly would come looking for her, Claire tugged off her round-the-house clothes and replaced them with a pair of jeans and a jumper from her favourite market stall. She did the necessary fingers through the hair and then applied foundation, lip gloss and mascara. Although she didn’t want to make it look like she’d gone to too much trouble, she couldn’t confront Jasper again looking less than her best.

  Finally, after inhaling a massive gulp of air, she summoned a carefree smile, pushed her shoulders back and opened the bedroom door to the sound of happy voices in their living room. Due to the tiny size of their apartment, she only had to take a few steps before she entered said room and her heart, predictably, leapt up into her throat. Jasper was sitting on their couch, leaning back against her favourite throw cushions as if being here was the most natural thing in the world. If possible he was even more gorgeous than the last time she’d seen him. Added to that, her damn traitorous cats—felines who usually didn’t give the time of day to anyone but Claire—were rubbing themselves affectionately around his legs.

  He glanced up and caught her looking. She hadn’t known what to expect but he hit her with a melt-your-insides smile. ‘Lovely to see you again, Claire. I can see why you fell in love with these guys.’ Then, while she failed to remember how to speak, he scooped up Gerry and dumped him in his lap. Gerry never even sat in her lap!

  ‘Oh look, the evil cats like him,’ Polly said, laughing as she got comfortable on Scotty’s lap.

  ‘Evil?’ Jasper said. ‘They’re literally pussycats.’

  ‘They’re not usually,’ Claire said, finding her voice and her feet as she ventured further into the room and perched herself on the other end of the couch. Seating options were limited in their apartment and Polly and Scotty had claimed the armchair, leaving Claire no option but to sit next to Jasper, stand or take the floor. The latter two, she decided, would make it appear as if she were uncomfortable with this whole situation. Hardi-hah!

  ‘Now that we’re all here, I think we should have a toast,’ Scotty exclaimed, raising a glass of what looked suspiciously like orange juice.

  Until that moment, Claire hadn’t noticed the bottle and the three other glasses on the table.

  ‘Pre
tend it’s champers,’ Polly said, picking up one of the glasses and indicating that Jasper and Claire should do the same. ‘Scotty didn’t think it was fair that you guys drink when I couldn’t, so he bought the most expensive orange juice he could find instead.’

  ‘Very thoughtful of him,’ Claire said, although right now she would really appreciate a nice alcoholic beverage. Preferably a very, very strong one.

  Jasper picked up two glasses and then handed one to her—their fingers brushed in the exchange but she couldn’t work out whether it was on purpose or accidental. Either way, her pulse skittered.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said, quickly looking away and raising the glass for the toast. Polly and Scotty looked at them expectantly. Was she supposed to make a speech? She wasn’t sure she could say anything without falling apart.

  Luckily, Jasper did the honours. ‘Congratulations Scotty. I think it’s definitely a good idea to put a ring on it before this lovely lass realises what a buffoon you are.’

  Scotty showed Jasper his middle finger but laughed good-naturedly.

  ‘Nah, seriously. I’m stoked for you guys. Scott’s a good bloke Polly and I hope you’ll both be very happy together.’ He lifted his glass. ‘To Scott and Pollyanna and their already growing family.’

  ‘Thanks, mate!’ Scotty clinked glasses with his cousin.

  Polly sniffed. ‘That was beautiful.’

  ‘To Polly and Scott,’ Claire added, hoping her smile looked more real than it felt.

  The four of them clinked and sipped. Talk immediately turned to the upcoming nuptials. Claire tried to make the right noises in the right places—occasionally she registered words such as ‘cake’, ‘invitations’, ‘honeymoon’—but mostly she was thinking about how close Jasper was and how much she wished things could be different. Why couldn’t she be the one accidentally pregnant and flashing around an engagement ring?

  ‘Do you mind if Claire and I step outside for a moment?’ Jasper said.

  She looked at him blankly, thinking that she must have imagined his words, but then he added, ‘Secret bridesmaid and best man business,’ and winked at her.

  Claire’s insides twisted as Scotty said, ‘Sure mate. Polly and I will be able to keep ourselves occupied, won’t we, my little minx?’

  In reply, Polly wrapped her arms around her fiancé’s neck. ‘I’m sure we’ll think of something.’

  Jasper put Gerry on the couch beside him, then stood and looked down at Claire expectantly. ‘I promise this won’t take long.’

  ‘Okay.’ She nodded and pushed herself to her feet, swallowing as she anticipated a confrontation. She’d had almost two months to think of an excuse for why she’d fled, so why the hell hadn’t she come up with one?

  Probably because she hadn’t allowed herself to even dream of the possibility of seeing him again.

  They walked in silence out of the apartment and down the three flights of stairs. Jasper led her across the road to a park where people were walking their dogs and children were playing on the play equipment, their parents watching from not too far away. He sat down on a wooden bench and patted the space beside him. ‘I won’t bite, Claire, I’d just like a few answers.’

  She gulped, nodded and lowered herself to the seat, trying not to look like a wooden soldier.

  ‘It’s good to see you again,’ he began.

  ‘It’s good to see you again too,’ she said, without even thinking about how that sounded. But no matter how torturous it was to have him so close again, it was also unbelievably wonderful. She’d never felt so conflicted in her life.

  He quirked an eyebrow. ‘Then why did you leave my house without even so much as a note? And why didn’t you answer any of my calls?’

  She cringed at his hurt tone. ‘Would you believe me if I said I was afraid of heights?’

  ‘Nope.’ He shook his head. ‘But I think you’re afraid of something.’

  When she didn’t say anything, he added, ‘Was it my mother? She can be a little overwhelming when you first meet her but she means well. Or is it that I live with my parents? Too weird? I promise you it’s only while I’m saving to buy a house of my own. Property isn’t cheap in the Hunter Valley.’

  ‘Your mother’s lovely.’

  ‘So it’s me.’ He sighed. ‘Did I come on too strong? I didn’t mean to but I gotta be honest, I really liked you, Claire. Hell, against my better judgement, I still like you, so I have to know. Are you just not into me or is there something more going on? Because I can’t get you out of my head and not knowing if I could have done something different is driving me crazy. And now that Polly and Scotty are getting married, we’ll have to see each other again.’

  ‘Oh God.’ She brought her hands up to cover her face as tears spurted from her eyes. This was pure hell. ‘It’s so not you,’ she managed between sobs. ‘You are wonderful and fascinating and your family is lovely, but I’m broken. And it would be wrong of me to lead you on, to let you fall in love with me, when I can’t ever give you what you deserve.’

  ‘Claire!’ Jasper grabbed her hands from her face and drew them up against his chest, forcing her to look at him. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘I’m infertile,’ she all but spat. ‘I can’t have babies.’

  ‘Oh, Claire.’ Pity squeezed his facial features together as he drew her close and wrapped her in his arms. Her head told her to pull away—that her heart couldn’t handle what being loved by him might feel like—but she couldn’t bring herself to do so.

  Claire cried like she hadn’t cried in years, ever since that devastating conversation with her parents in her teens. For so long, she’d managed to trick herself into believing that the life of a cat-loving spinster would be enough, but meeting Jasper had made her realise otherwise. She wanted love. She wanted him. He was the first person outside her family she’d ever told.

  ‘How do you know?’ he asked when her tears finally started to subside.

  ‘I found out when I was fourteen,’ she said, swallowing hard in an effort to stop the flow of tears. ‘Friends of our family had a baby and we went to visit them in hospital. She was the most beautiful, magical little thing and I fell utterly in love. Like some girls get obsessed with horses, I got obsessed with babies. I told my parents I couldn’t wait to have a family of my own, and one day when I was listing off the names of my future children, Mum burst into tears. I demanded to know what was the matter and they decided that it was time to tell me.’

  She took a deep breath—even over a decade later it was painful to recall.

  ‘They told me that because my leukaemia was pre-puberty the chemotherapy had caused ovarian failure and the doctors couldn’t do anything to save my fertility. I had to have hormone therapy to kickstart puberty but I hadn’t even realised that’s what I was taking. I thought the pills were just something to keep me healthy, like multivitamins. My parents didn’t want to upset me unnecessarily, but ...’ The tears she’d been trying to fight came rushing back, the memory of that awful night still as strong as if it were yesterday.

  After beating cancer she’d thought herself invincible—she’d thought she could achieve anything—but this news had been a blow like nothing else before or since.

  ‘I’m sorry you had to go through all that, Claire,’ Jasper said, still rubbing his hand up and down her back. ‘But you’re absolutely wrong if you think what you’ve just told me makes me want you any less.’

  She chanced a look up into his beautiful face and seeing that his eyes also glistened, she pushed away the tiny hope that had flared in her heart and pulled herself out of his embrace. ‘You can’t tell me you don’t want children.’

  He nodded. ‘You’re right. I can’t tell you that, because I would love to be a father one day, but only with the right woman, and—’

  ‘And I’m not that woman, because I can’t give you babies. Ever. So what’s the point in starting something that is only going to end in tears?’

  Jasper sighed deeply and ran a h
and through his hair. ‘What I was going to say is that none of us know what the future holds. You know you can’t have children, but I have no idea whether I can or not. For all we know I could be just as infertile as you are. I don’t have a crystal ball. Anything could happen—aliens might invade and take over Earth, Donald Trump might become President of the United States.’

  Claire felt a small smile tug at her lips. ‘As if that would ever happen!’

  He smiled and took her hand again. ‘Okay, perhaps not, but what I do know is that I like you more than I’ve ever liked any woman before, and I want to get to know you better. I also know that this is the twenty-first century—if things go well between us and we decide we want to have a family, then there are many different ways to go about it. There’s adoption, there’s fostering, there’s surrogacy, and probably a hundred more ways I don’t even know about.’

  Claire blinked, unable to believe his response. She’d expected him to run a mile. What kind of man was willing to consider these things when he’d only just met a woman?

  ‘But I don’t want to worry about any of that right now,’ Jasper continued. ‘I just want to get to know you, focus on this feeling inside my chest that I get whenever you’re near. And if the fact that you can’t have children the usual way is the only reason for rejecting me, then I hope you’ll reconsider. I’d still really love to take you up in my hot air balloon, but if that’s too full-on, then perhaps we could start with a coffee date? What do you say, lovely Claire?’

  As magical as his words were, as much as she wanted to believe him, she couldn’t quite let it go. ‘Are you absolutely sure? There may be alternatives for having children, but they’re not fail-safe. If we got together and really couldn’t have children, would you regret being with me?’

  ‘Life isn’t fail-safe,’ Jasper said, his expression solemn. ‘There are never any guarantees, but I can tell you that I’d rather spend my life childless with someone I really loved and respected, than have ten kids in an unhappy marriage. Besides, how many couples get together and only later find out that they can’t have babies? At least we know from the get-go. Please, give us a chance, Claire. I promise you I already feel more for you than I have about anyone I’ve ever dated and you’ll break my heart if you say no.’