The Greatest Gift

by Rachael Johns

  Harper didn’t want to be a hero, she just wanted to feel she’d done something good with her life, but Willow’s enthusiasm cemented her decision.

  ‘Thank you,’ she whispered, tearing up a little as she dragged her sister into a hug.

  ‘Do you want me to come to the doctor with you?’ Willow asked as they pulled apart. ‘Then we can get a bite to eat.’

  ‘That would be great.’ It wasn’t that Harper needed anyone to hold her hand, but they hadn’t spent much time together since her sister had started dating Miriam and she missed her.

  ‘Excellent. I’ll drive and we can pick your car up afterwards,’ Willow said, linking her arm through Harper’s.

  Half an hour later when she was sitting in the office of the GP she’d been seeing for almost a decade, Harper was glad of Willow’s company.

  ‘This is a big decision,’ Dr Rimmer told her, tapping her long gel fingernails on her desk. ‘Are you sure you’ve thought this through?’

  Why did everyone keep saying that? Harper gritted her teeth. It wasn’t like she was donating a kidney and people gave them away all the time. Did men get grilled like this when they wanted to donate sperm?

  ‘She’s not asking your permission,’ Willow said, taking hold of Harper’s hand and giving it a squeeze. ‘She’s simply asking you if there’s anything she needs to do to prepare her body. Is it the same as if she were wanting to get pregnant? Should she be taking folate supplements or something?’

  Ignoring Willow, Dr Rimmer spoke again. ‘Donating your eggs isn’t entirely risk free. There’s a possibility, a small one I admit, that your own fertility might be sacrificed.’

  ‘That wouldn’t be a problem. I’m certain about doing this, Doctor,’ Harper said, tossing her sister a grateful smile. ‘I just wanted a general check-up before I proceed with looking for a recipient couple. I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up if I’m not a good candidate.’

  ‘Well.’ Dr Rimmer let out a long, clearly disapproving sigh. ‘If you’ve done your research, you’ll know that the IVF clinic will undertake thorough testing when you’ve found your couple, but I suppose I could send you for an AMH blood test.’

  When both Willow and Harper looked at her blankly, she explained. ‘This will give us an idea of whether you have good quality eggs left in your ovarian reserve. At thirty-four, you’re nearing the age where your fertility is dropping off. But if that’s positive and you’re still sure of your decision, then yes, it will pay to start getting your body in optimal condition. I recommend a healthy balanced diet, regular exercise and, as Willow suggested, a good folate supplement, which will improve egg quality.’

  Harper nodded, making mental notes of all of this—buy folate tablets.

  ‘So, when can I have the blood test?’ she asked. Despite her doctor’s less than enthusiastic response, she couldn’t wait to get started.

  Chapter Eight

  SEPTEMBER 2016

  As Jasper raised his champagne flute and entertained the crowd in the local café with the story of why balloonists traditionally drank champagne after a successful flight, Claire surreptitiously slipped her iPhone out of her pocket.

  ‘Legend has it that early French balloonists carried champagne to appease the angry farmers whose fields they landed in …’ he began. Claire had heard the spiel a million times since their first flight together five years ago, so she took the chance to check her email while the eager eyes of the tourists were glued on her animated husband.

  She held her breath, her stomach tightening in hopeful anticipation as she waited for the mail app to open. In the last few days she’d become obsessed, checking her email ten times an hour like a woman who was trying to get pregnant might check her body temperature to see if she was ovulating. Come on, she silently pleaded, cursing her slow internet connection and willing Jasper to keep talking. Once he’d finished, they’d share a toast and then breakfast would be served, during which she’d have to be social, chatting with and answering questions from this morning’s passengers. That wasn’t a bad thing—she loved her job and liked nothing better than sharing her and Jasper’s passion—but first she wanted to see if they’d had any replies to their ad.

  Last week, after months of research and many late night conversations with Jasper about what they wanted in a donor, they’d finally taken the plunge and posted their request in an online forum that matched people like them with women wanting to donate their eggs. It wasn’t the way you were supposed to get pregnant but hey, a lot of things in the world happened in non-traditional ways these days. They may as well make the most of the medical advances available to them. Without such things she’d likely have died as a child anyway. The fact she hadn’t made her a big believer in medical intervention.

  Clicking publish on their post had been the most exciting and terrifying thing she’d ever done. The only other time she’d ever felt such butterflies was during her very first hot air balloon flight. Back then she’d been nervous—not so much about possibly crashing or falling from the sky—but about taking this plunge with Jasper.

  But that had been the best risk she’d ever taken.

  If she hadn’t already been in love with him before the balloon had left the ground, she was well and truly head over heels by the time it landed again. Up in the air, she’d felt on top of the world, as if anything was possible, and it was Jasper’s enthusiasm for life that made her feel this way. During that one hour flight they talked about everything under the sun. She told him more about her childhood cancer, how spending so much time in hospital had got her behind in her schooling and also made friendships difficult. People felt sorry for her but they didn’t want to get too close—as if cancer was something they might catch. So even before she’d found out about her infertility, she’d felt different and somehow less than everyone else.

  Jasper explained how school hadn’t been a walk in the park for him either. Kids had teased him about his family’s weird passion. Claire had found this hard to believe. Up in the sky, looking over the endless rows of vines, she couldn’t understand how anyone wouldn’t find this thrilling. She decided during that very first flight that she wanted to learn everything there was to know about hot air ballooning. And she didn’t simply want to learn it, she wanted to experience it. She wanted to fly a balloon herself! To personally feel the thrill she’d seen on Jasper’s face when they were cruising at 2000 feet over the Hunter Valley.

  After that, Claire spent every second weekend with Jasper and his family, learning the ropes of the business and working towards attaining her private ballooning licence. On the weekends she had to work at the florist, Jasper came down to Sydney and they played house, eating together, watching TV together and lazing in bed on Sunday mornings. When Polly officially moved in with Scotty, she and Claire gave up the flat, and Claire and the cats moved to the Hunter Valley. Although she was offered a job at the local florist, she took one in the hot air balloon office instead, which only ensconced her in Jasper’s family more.

  And it was true what Scotty had said about people in he and Jasper’s family moving fast. Like Polly and Scotty, Claire and Jasper’s was a whirlwind romance. They were married five months after her first balloon ride in a beautiful ceremony on the Lombards’ smallholding, only theirs wasn’t a shotgun wedding. Claire didn’t let that bother her—finding Jasper had restored her faith in the goodness of life and she believed her dream of having a baby would one day come true as well. But for a while, she was simply happy to spend time with her love and pursue their other passions together.

  They honeymooned in New Mexico and Jasper took part in the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta, something that had been on his bucket list since he’d first heard his parents talking about it many years ago. As they’d sailed alongside hundreds of other balloons in all different shapes, colours and sizes, with the desert beneath them and the Rocky Mountains as their backdrop, he’d told Claire how glad he was that they could experience this magic together.


  The five years that followed had truly been a fairytale, filled with more fun and happiness than she’d ever imagined possible. As a wedding gift Wendy and Paul had given them the deposit on a house. Now Claire had a new career flying balloons in the family business, but in her free time she nurtured her other love—flowers. Her garden already rivalled her father-in-law’s. Everything she planted grew and thrived, and people often marvelled at her green thumb.

  And until recently, all these wonderful things had been enough.

  Jasper had been enough.

  But when Claire turned thirty, a switch flicked inside her and a longing she’d buried years ago sprouted and blossomed like one of her flowers. Everywhere she turned she suddenly started seeing pregnant bellies or women about her age gazing adoringly into prams as they strolled along the street. She’d been caught staring in the local café at a chubby baby sitting in a high chair—his gorgeous rolls of blubber had made her happy and despondent all at once. When Polly brought her tribe to visit, Claire practically inhaled her youngest; she wished she could smell that sweet baby aroma every single day. As if Big Brother truly was watching, ads for maternity clothes and baby massage classes started appearing in her Facebook feed. She took this as a sign from above and secretly started researching the options available to a woman like her.

  When she had all the facts, she took them to her husband. Jasper had at first seemed surprised when she’d confessed her desire to look for an egg donor.

  ‘I didn’t know you were this desperate to have a baby.’

  She opposed the word desperate. ‘You know I’ve always wanted to have kids. I told you how much the day we decided to start dating.’

  ‘Yeah, I know.’ He twitched his nose in the way he did whenever he was confused. ‘I guess we just haven’t really talked about it since then. I thought we were happy as we are.’

  Claire couldn’t believe it when he admitted he’d just assumed they wouldn’t be parents, but would embrace a different, equally as satisfying life together. He talked of plans to travel the world—tick all the exotic balloon festivals off their list, maybe even participate in a few challenges. And while part of her agreed that this life sounded amazing, it wouldn’t fill the baby-shaped hole inside her.

  ‘I need to try,’ she’d told him. ‘If it doesn’t work, then I’ll accept that. But if we don’t try, I’ll always wonder.’

  And it wasn’t just her own feelings that worried her. Jasper would make a wonderful dad—he loved it when his nieces and nephews or Polly and Scotty’s kids came to visit and would play silly games with them for hours without complaint. They adored him too. Who wouldn’t? Not only was Jasper very pleasing to look at, he was also one of the really good guys. It would be a sin to let his good genes go to waste simply because she couldn’t breed, and she couldn’t bear the thought that down the track he might look at her and feel resentment because he’d never been a dad.

  She remembered the night they met. His excitement about becoming an uncle was still as fresh in her mind as if it were yesterday. How much more elated would he be if it were his baby?

  ‘How about adoption then?’ he’d asked.

  And she had given that option a lot of thought.

  ‘One, it’s not as easy as the celebrities make out. In Australia there are far more couples looking to adopt than babies available. It was different years ago when being a young single mother was frowned upon, but these days most people either get rid of unwanted pregnancies or they go through with them. The shame isn’t there, so there aren’t as many babies to adopt. And international adoptions are hard because many countries are putting in place laws about babies being raised in foreign places.’

  ‘You have done your research, haven’t you?’

  She nodded, pleased by his impressed tone.

  ‘Then I guess you’ve ruled out fostering as well?’

  Claire loved that Jasper would consider such a thing, but she was selfish. She wanted to feel a baby grow inside her and then nuzzle against her breasts. She craved the full-on mum experience and because Jasper never judged, she admitted this.

  ‘I’m just not as good a person as you,’ she added once she’d explained.

  He’d pulled her into his arms and told her what utter bollocks that was. ‘You are the best person I know, and if you’re sure you’re okay with going through IVF and all the gruelling stuff that involves, then let’s do it!’

  A chair scraped alongside her and Claire realised that Jasper had finished his post-flight speech and the passengers were getting up to help themselves to the hot buffet breakfast. As usual there was a buzz in the room—everyone still on a high from their experience up in the sky. She smiled at the lady who’d been sitting beside her and then slipped her phone back into her jacket pocket with a long, internal sigh.

  She needed coffee. From the moment they’d decided to go ahead with the egg donation, Claire had been preparing her body—taking folic acid tablets, eating better and exercising more often. She’d even given up caffeine, which Jasper had said was a testament to how much she wanted this. But with no egg donor possibilities yet in sight, she decided one cup wouldn’t hurt, and it might give her the lift necessary to mingle with the enthusiastic crowd.

  As she stood in line at the tea and coffee station, Jasper came up behind her. He slipped his arms around her waist and then leant in to whisper in her ear. ‘Well? Any responses?’

  She shook her head, blinking back tears and feeling a little silly about being caught checking. So much for being surreptitious, but then again, she’d never been able to get anything past him. Jasper knew her better than anyone.

  ‘Give it time, gorgeous.’ He pressed a quick kiss against the top of her head. ‘It’s only been a few days.’

  And while logically she knew he was right, she couldn’t help wondering if they could do something more to enhance their chances. She’d posted their ad on two Facebook forums and an online site specifically for egg donation, but maybe they needed to try a newspaper advertisement as well. There were so many other people looking for egg donors and their pleas all seemed equally as heartfelt and deserving. Women who were carriers of genetic diseases, others who had already been on IVF for years and experienced miscarriage after miscarriage. But no matter how much she felt for these women, it didn’t make her own yearning to have a child any less.

  ‘Maybe we need to reassess our advert,’ she said, keeping her voice low.

  Jasper shook his head. ‘Our advert is fine. We’ve been open and honest about who we are and what we’re looking for. The right donor will come along if we’re patient.’

  Claire couldn’t hide what she thought of that. She shrugged off his arm, not in the mood to be placated.

  ‘You know,’ he whispered, ‘if you really don’t want to wait, Polly’s offer is still open. She and Scotty have made that clear.’

  ‘No!’ she said, a tad louder and firmer than she’d meant to. When Polly had been pregnant with Loretta (their first), she’d been so gung-ho in her efforts for Claire to join the motherhood brigade that Claire had finally confessed her inability to have children—and the feelings of guilt and inadequacy that came with it. Of course her friend had been suitably devastated for her; and recently when Claire had told her about the egg donation idea, Polly had immediately offered her services.

  But as much as she adored Polly, Scotty and their brood—which they’d added to at a rate of one a year since the first had arrived—she couldn’t deny the feelings of jealousy she harboured towards her friend for being so damn fertile. Besides, it just felt a little incestuous. Jasper and Polly might only be related (loosely) through marriage but then their kids would be cousins and half-siblings. Claire couldn’t get her head around that and although she’d only admit it to herself, she didn’t like the idea of Jasper making babies with her best friend.

  Jasper sighed, clearly losing his patience. ‘Look, I love you, but now isn’t the time to discuss this. We need to focus on our clients.’<
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  She nodded, knowing he was right, but at the moment it was hard to concentrate on anything but her desire to get pregnant. Maybe Jasper was right. Maybe she was desperate, but she was also determined, and just like she’d fought childhood cancer and won, she would fight her infertility and win.

  Chapter Nine

  EGG DONOR WANTED: Loving couple (Ellen, 43 and Owen, 45) desperate to complete our family. We conceived our first daughter (Gemma) on Clomid when I was 40 and have been trying to give her a sibling ever since. After five failed IVF attempts and two miscarriages, our doctor has suggested donor eggs …

  IN NEED OF A GIFT OF LIFE: We are a heterosexual couple who have been TTC for many years with no success …

  PLEASE HELP: I am the carrier of a genetic condition called Fragile X, which means that if I have a baby with my own eggs it will be born handicapped. Due to my condition, I also have a low egg reserve. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, we are financially established …

  LOOKING FOR AN EGG DONOR: I’m Joel and my partner is Jonathon. We married in Canada last year and are now desperate to take the next step to consolidate our love. One of our friends has generously offered to be our surrogate, but we’re looking for an egg donor to help make our dreams come true …

  Oh sheesh. Harper stared at her computer screen, utterly bewildered. She’d thought that the moment she’d made her decision and told all the people that mattered—Samuel, Lilia, her sister and her two closest friends—she’d just go online to one of the many forums she’d discovered when researching egg donation and pick a recipient couple, but it had turned out to be far more complicated than that.

  She was usually a very decisive person—someone you could rely on not to dilly-dally but to get a job done—but she hadn’t expected to feel such emotion when reading these people’s stories. There were literally hundreds of people online crying out for the assistance of someone like her. And they all seemed equally deserving. How on earth could she pick? Even when she narrowed her search to potential recipients in NSW it didn’t help at all.