The Greatest Gift

by Rachael Johns

  Some of the ads were short and concise. Generally she’d approve of such succinctness, but in this situation she wondered if it meant they weren’t as invested as those who’d obviously gone to a lot of time and effort to craft theirs. The majority of ads were from middle-aged couples who’d either met each other later in life or had left the decision to have a family too late. Were they more deserving than the younger ones because their time was running out? Were older parents with more life experience a better choice than younger parents with energy and enthusiasm?

  Argh—this was doing her head in. The least she could do was to make sure her eggs went to people who would do their best by them, but how on earth could she know that?

  Harper pushed back her seat from where she was sitting at the dining room table and went into the kitchen to check out the contents of the fridge. Nothing appealed—it was all healthy stuff. Since deciding to donate, she’d joined Samuel on his permanent health kick. She’d even disposed of the last secret box of Coco Pops, but there were a couple of bottles of wine lingering in the fridge door. Samuel’s obsession with health and fitness seemed to overlook a little alcohol, or maybe he reasoned that as wine was made from grapes, it was healthy.

  She hadn’t yet chosen a recipient, so surely one glass wouldn’t hurt.

  As she went to unscrew the lid, a thought struck her. Although this wasn’t a job interview as such, when employers were looking for the best candidate for a position, they usually had a number of people on the panel. Perhaps she too should enlist some help.

  A few hours later, Harper sat down at the dining room table again, but this time she wasn’t alone. Beside her was Samuel, who’d begrudgingly agreed to being involved—she wanted him because he saw everything from a practical, logical angle. And he was male, therefore brought a different viewpoint to the table. Lilia sat on her other side—she’d chosen her for her skills at getting people talking and because Harper respected and trusted her implicitly. Opposite the three of them, Willow and Miriam were snuggled close and at either end of the table were Juliet and Renee, who’d miraculously managed to escape without their babies. Like a jury, she’d called upon all her friends to help her with the decision. Individually they might have personal biases, but together they could have a logical, well-thought-out discussion. At least that’s what she hoped.

  Many women might have called upon their parents at a time like this, but her mother hadn’t been there for any other important occasions or decisions in her life, so Harper wasn’t about to invite her opinion on this one—she’d not told her anything about her plans. Besides, Laura was busy packing up her house for her upcoming move to Montana.

  ‘Thank you all for coming at such short notice,’ she said, once she’d made sure everyone had a full glass of wine.

  ‘Thanks for inviting us,’ Juliet said, her wire-rimmed glasses reflecting as she raised her glass. ‘Do you know how long it’s been since I had a night out?’

  ‘Or been able to eat in peace,’ Renee added, her dark hair falling over her face as she leant forward and snaffled a cracker with cheese from the platter on the table.

  She smiled from one friend to the other—Juliet and Renee certainly didn’t make the whole motherhood thing sound appealing, yet she’d invited them because they understood what it was like to want a baby. She hoped they might be able to read between the lines of the ads and pick out those women and couples who wanted this the most, because when she handed over her eggs she wanted to be damn certain she was giving them to people who’d love them with everything they had.

  Willow, Miriam and Lilia smiled in encouragement; Samuel simply lifted his glass and took a sip.

  ‘So, as you know, I’m looking for a woman, or a couple, to give my eggs. There are a number of avenues I can take to look for a recipient—newspaper ads, online forums, websites, Facebook groups, or I could even choose someone we already know. Don’t suppose any of you have a friend in need?’

  They all shook their heads.

  Harper nodded. That idea had just come into her head anyway, but was discarded as quickly as it had arrived. ‘Right, then I’ve decided to start with one Australian donor website because it’s far too overwhelming looking across the board.’

  ‘If people are really serious about this,’ Miriam said, ‘then they’ve probably got ads across multiple platforms, so I think that’s a good idea.’

  Willow beamed at her girlfriend and Harper smiled inwardly at how cute they were together. She hadn’t seen her sister this smitten in years, perhaps ever, and she liked Miriam’s logic.

  ‘Thank you,’ Harper said. ‘To make this easier, I’ve narrowed it down to my top ten couples this afternoon.’ Even that had been difficult. ‘And I’ve printed off the ads for you to read through.’

  She picked up a pile of papers from next to her laptop and passed them round the table like a teacher handing out tests. She’d also made sure everyone had a pen so they could make notes.

  ‘Do you want to read through them separately or shall we discuss each one as they come up?’ she asked.

  ‘Let’s read through separately and then discuss,’ Samuel said, peering down at the paper with the most interest he’d shown since she announced her decision. He’d always liked studying and this probably felt a little like preparing for a test.

  Everyone agreed and the room fell silent. All that could be heard was the rustling of papers as her husband, sister and friends starting flicking through the ads. Harper glanced down at the papers in front of her, but she’d already practically memorised them so instead she looked from face to face, trying to read their expressions. She appreciated that they all seemed to be taking this task seriously, but she wished they’d hurry up. Butterflies were churning through her stomach, making the cheese she’d scoffed while preparing turn in her gut.

  ‘I’m just going to the bathroom,’ Harper said after what felt like an hour but was probably more like five minutes. She pushed back her seat and fled from the room, needing to busy herself while the others did their reading. It would be stupid to rush them as she wanted their considered opinions. After walking upstairs and straightening the expensive prints that Samuel had bought from some gallery in The Rocks, she went back down again.

  As she descended the stairs, she could hear that an animated discussion had begun.

  ‘What do you all think?’ she blurted as she hurried back into the dining room. ‘Shall we take a vote? Are there any stand-outs?’

  ‘Before we talk, I’d like to know whether you’ve thought about the ethics of doing this?’ Renee asked, frowning up at her. ‘How will the child feel years down the track when they find out how they were conceived? And what will happen to any leftover embryos afterwards? Will they be destroyed or will they offer them to another couple?’

  Irritation flared within Harper. She knew that if anyone, Renee, with her religious background, would be the one to find objection to what she was proposing to do, but why hadn’t she mentioned it on the phone?

  ‘Of course I’ve thought about the ethics. As I’ve already told you, this isn’t a decision I’ve made lightly, and as for the child that might be born, they’ll know the truth as early as they are able to understand it so it won’t come as a shock. All the research I’ve read shows that kids who know where they come from—wherever that is—are less likely to suffer psychologically. But when I’ve found a couple to go ahead with, we’ll be required to have counselling and all these issues will be discussed.’

  Renee twirled her wine glass between her fingers. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound negative. I’m just curious about how it’s all going to work.’

  ‘It’s okay. I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to help me choose.’ Harper pulled out her chair and sat. ‘Speaking of which, are there any favourites?’

  They shook their heads and Lilia spoke. ‘Sorry Harps, we’re completely divided.’

  ‘I reckon this woman,’ Samuel said, tapping his pen on the page in front of him. �
��She’s fifty years old, has paid off her mortgage and is desperate for a baby before she’s too old and the IVF age limit kicks in.’

  Juliet frowned. ‘I think fifty is already too old.’

  ‘I agree,’ Renee said, reaching for another cracker with cheese. ‘Being a mum is exhausting. You can’t comprehend the energy it requires until you’re living it. And it also means a lot of self-sacrifice. This woman has already been on the planet for half a century—she’d be too stuck in her ways for a child.’

  ‘That’s a bit unfair,’ Lilia piped up. ‘You don’t know her. She could be the fittest fifty year old around. She might have more energy than you and Juliet put together.’

  ‘And you haven’t got a child, so what would you know?’ Juliet retorted, narrowing her eyes at Lilia. ‘What happens if she dies? Fifty might not be old but it’s not young either. Who would look after the kid then?’

  ‘I’m sure she’s thought about what would happen in such a scenario,’ Lilia snapped.

  Harper’s three closest friends had never gotten along very well—they endured each other when necessary but somehow her old school friends Juliet and Renee believed Lilia was the one discouraging her from having a baby. She didn’t know how on earth they had got this impression, because she’d always made her position on motherhood perfectly clear.

  ‘Let’s not get carried away—we’re not here to insult each other, but to help Harper make a good decision,’ Miriam said, obviously sensing the discord in the room. Harper hadn’t spent much time with Willow’s girlfriend but she liked her immensely—she was exactly the kind of no-nonsense person she needed.

  She threw her a grateful look as Miriam added, ‘Let’s look at this logically. Perhaps you should choose the recipient couple who have been waiting the longest.’

  Harper picked up her papers but before she’d worked out who this was, Lilia countered with, ‘But what if there’s a reason they’re still waiting? Like, what if they’ve already been rejected by a number of donors because they’re weird or something?’

  Samuel sighed and ran a hand through his hair. ‘Does it matter if they’re weird? This isn’t a dating site—it’s not as if we have to like these people.’

  As Harper reached out to refill his wine glass—she sensed him losing patience—Willow said, ‘We don’t have to like them, but we’re giving them an egg, and any baby created from that egg will be biologically related to Harper and me, so I think it’s our duty to make sure it goes to good people. Like this couple.’ She held up a page with the smiling faces of two gorgeous men at the top.

  ‘Are they gay?’ Renee asked, then shook her head. ‘Such a waste.’

  Juliet giggled.

  ‘It doesn’t say anything about women in their life,’ Lilia said, frowning as she scrutinised the page in front of her. ‘And while I’m all for the right of gay couples to have children, I do believe any kids—boys or girls—need male and female influences in their lives. So while these guys seem great, I’d want to know what the child will have available in terms of aunties and grandmas around them.’

  ‘Fair point,’ Juliet said, offering Lilia a rare smile.

  ‘Thank you,’ Lilia replied.

  ‘I’m sure that information would be easy to find,’ Willow said, sounding a little defensive.

  Harper began to wonder if inviting them all here together had been a terrible idea.

  ‘Perhaps we should make a list of what you want in a recipient and then work out who of these people fit?’ Miriam suggested.

  ‘Well, I’ve kind of already done that,’ Harper said. ‘I wanted people with tertiary educations, no religious affiliations and who were financially able to provide for a baby.’

  ‘What about race?’ Willow asked. ‘Does that matter to you?’

  Harper pondered that a moment. ‘No. I don’t think so. Plenty of adoptions are interracial.’

  Samuel glanced at his watch. ‘All right then, how about we all give you our definite noes, which will narrow down the possible yeses.’

  ‘Good idea,’ Miriam agreed with a nod.

  ‘Okay,’ Harper said. ‘That’s a good idea. Who wants to start?’

  ‘The fifty year old woman is out for me,’ Juliet began.

  ‘Me too,’ added Renee. ‘And I agree with Lilia so I think for now we rule out the gay couple as well.’

  ‘I didn’t say we rule out the gay couple,’ Lilia said. ‘Just that you should make some more enquiries before agreeing to anything, which I’m assuming you’ll do whoever you contact first. They’re a yes for me.’

  ‘The single women are noes in my opinion,’ Willow said. ‘You know how much Laura struggled with being a single mother. And remember how we hated Father’s Day?’

  Harper grimaced. She’d loved school—generally it was a happier place to be than at home—except at that time of the year when all the other kids were making cards and presents and their dads came in for special assemblies. When she was little Harper had sat in the corner of the classroom and cried; as she got older, she’d often feigned illnesses to avoid such events.

  ‘I wouldn’t wish that on anyone,’ Willow concluded as they shared a look.

  ‘I agree to an extent,’ Miriam said. ‘Two parents might be better than one in theory, but there’s no such thing as a normal family these days, so I’m thinking schools will be more sensitive to these kinds of things.’

  The discussion went on around the table for another twenty minutes. No one seemed to agree on anything and Harper’s head started to throb. Maybe asking for help wasn’t such a good idea after all. Perhaps this was a decision she needed to make on her own, or maybe it was a stupid idea altogether. If she didn’t think she’d make a suitable mum, how the heck was she supposed to know if someone else would?

  She pushed back her chair and picked up the near-empty platter from the table. ‘Look everyone, thank you for your help. I appreciate all your thoughts. You’ve given me lots to think about but I realise that ultimately I’m the one who needs to make this decision.’

  Although she didn’t exactly tell them she wanted them to go, they all knew her well enough to hear it in her voice. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts.

  Samuel was the first to stand, looking like a little kid who’d just been let out of detention early. ‘Night all,’ he said, then he turned to Harper, kissed her on the cheek and added, ‘leave the mess, I’ll help clear it up in the morning.’

  Juliet and Renee stood next—both of them yawned as if suddenly realising how tired they were. ‘Thanks for including us, Harps,’ Renee said. ‘We three need to get together more often.’

  ‘Yes,’ Juliet agreed. ‘Call us.’ They collected their bags and then headed down the hallway.

  Lilia started collecting the empty wine glasses from the table.

  ‘Leave them,’ Harper said.

  ‘You sure?’ asked Lilia and Willow in unison. They both looked at her with concerned expressions.

  ‘I’m sure,’ Harper promised. ‘I’ll see you all out.’

  As she walked them to the door, Miriam said, ‘I suggest an Excel spreadsheet. Put all the possible recipients down one side and list your requirements along the top. And maybe make them more specific—then you’ll be able to tick off who has what and you’ll get a visual idea of the best choice. If you email me your requirements, I can do up a spreadsheet for you.’ Her eyes gleamed at this suggestion.

  ‘Thanks, that would be great,’ she said, feeling it would be easier to agree than turn her down. And perhaps it would help, but right now all she wanted to do was crawl into a hole. She’d been so excited about doing this, but now she wasn’t sure. Maybe Samuel was right, maybe she should take up CrossFit. Pity she despised organised exercise.

  One by one, Lilia, Willow and Miriam hugged her goodbye, with Willow promising to call to check in tomorrow and Lilia saying, ‘See you Monday.’

  When Harper closed the front door behind them, she let out a long, deep sigh. How had what she�
�d thought would be an easy task become such an emotional headache?

  Feeling disillusioned, she headed back into the dining room to clear up. Although Samuel would keep his promise about helping in the morning, she didn’t like going to bed with a mess downstairs.

  As she picked up her empty wine glass, Harper glanced down at her laptop still open on the table and her eyes were drawn to a brand new ad at the very top of the page, which must have popped up while they’d been talking. It was the accompanying photo that initially caught her attention—a smiley young couple, him with golden scruffy hair and her with beautiful long honey locks, standing in the basket of a bright multi-coloured hot air balloon.

  Dragging her chair out and sitting down again, she clicked on the link to read the rest of their advertisement.

  ARE YOU OUR EGG DONOR ANGEL? Hi there, I’m Claire and my gorgeous husband of five years is Jasper. We live in the Hunter Valley with our two ginger cats and a garden just waiting for a child to play in it. I was a florist before I met Jasper, but now I work alongside him in his family business helping people tick hot air balloon ride off their bucket lists.

  We consider ourselves extremely blessed to have found love, to be living in such a magical part of the country and to be doing a job we love. Hot air ballooning is so fun that it almost feels wrong to call it work. I believe each day is a gift as when I was seven years old I was diagnosed with leukaemia. Although I was one of the lucky ones who conquered this disease, the price I paid was my fertility.

  There are so many wonderful people in need of an egg donor and we can’t tell you that we are more deserving than any of them, but if you’re reading this, we can give you this promise: We want this child with all our hearts and we will love it with everything we’ve got.