‘You know how I blamed you for Claire’s death at first?’ he said.
Harper’s brow furrowed slightly as she nodded.
‘Well, I guess I also blamed Anaya. I couldn’t feel anything for her. I felt numb, and although the nurses made me hold her—something called Kangaroo Care, which supposedly helps her thrive—I did it begrudgingly. I could hardly bear to touch her.’
‘That’s understandable.’
‘Is it?’ He shook his head. ‘Claire would never have forgiven me the feelings I had for our baby, but I couldn’t see past my grief.’
When he went quiet for a few moments, Harper prompted. ‘But something changed today?’
He nodded. ‘I saw a photo of Claire pregnant and I remembered how much she loved and wanted Anaya and something shifted inside of me. I couldn’t wait to get back here—to see her, to touch her.’
‘The paediatrician said she’s doing really well. He thinks she might be able to be transferred to a non-temperature-regulated incubator within days and then we—’ she shook her head quickly, ‘—I mean you, will be able to hold her more easily. He even said she might be ready to try a bottle before too long.’
‘Wow.’ Jasper fought tears again as he gazed down at his little miracle and then decided not to waste his energy. He let them come, realising they were tears of joy.
‘I know. She’s amazing,’ Harper said, sounding as choked as he felt.
‘Thank you for being with her today.’
‘No, thank you for letting me. How was the funeral?’
He chuckled slightly and she shook her head.
‘Sorry. Stupid question.’
It was his turn to smile and his facial muscles ached a little as if they were out of practice. ‘It’s okay,’ he said. ‘I know what you meant, and the funeral was a good one as far as funerals can be. Heaps of people came, we shared memories and played Claire’s favourite music. She’d have liked it I think.’
Harper smiled. ‘It sounds lovely. As far as funerals can be.’
‘You can go now,’ he said, and then realised how blunt he sounded. He didn’t mean to be impolite but the truth was he wanted a little alone time with his daughter. ‘I mean, you’ve got a long drive and you must be tired. Sitting in here is more exhausting than I ever imagined it would be.’
She rubbed her lips together and didn’t make a move to stand. ‘So, is your mum going to stay with you in Newcastle until you can take Anaya home?’
He shook his head. ‘We’ll be here another month at least and Mum and Dad can’t afford to close the business, so she needs to be back in Lovedale helping.’
‘And what about Claire’s parents? Or other family?’
‘Joanne and Mike have their business to run as well—they’ll visit when they can. But it’s okay. We’ll be fine, won’t we, sweetheart?’ he said, looking back into the incubator at his sleeping angel. From now on it was he and Anaya against the world.
‘Okay, well I guess I’ll be going then.’ Harper slipped her hand out of the incubator but didn’t tear her eyes from Anaya as she stood. ‘I’ll see you later, Jasper. Please don’t hesitate to call me again if you need anything.’
‘I won’t.’ When she finally looked at him, he smiled his thanks. ‘And I promise I’ll send you updates now, instead of Mum.’
She nodded, whispered ‘thank you’ and then, with one final glance at Anaya, headed out of the ward.
Chapter Twenty-nine
As Harper drove back towards Sydney, pain lodged itself in the back of her throat and a feeling of wrongness washed over her—a feeling akin to leaving the house and being unable to remember if she’d turned off an electrical appliance. Only this time it wasn’t the iron or oven she felt like she’d forgotten, but her heart.
Although rain fell from the sky, she pressed the button to wind down the window, desperate for air, and fought the urge to turn around and head back to Newcastle. To the hospital. To Anaya.
Jasper’s confession went round and round in her head. It was one thing to blame the drunk driver, himself or even her for Claire’s death, but how could he possibly look down at that gorgeous little porcelain face and feel anything but love and adoration? Even though he now professed to be as besotted as she herself felt—and he did genuinely look that way—she couldn’t help but liken his situation to that of her mother.
According to Willow, their mother had been a reasonable parent until grief over the death of their father had changed her. On her own, she hadn’t been half the mother she should have been. What if Jasper simply didn’t have it in himself to give Anaya all the love she needed?
Harper’s phone started ringing through the car speaker, jolting her from her thoughts, and she looked at the screen to see her sister’s name. She quickly pressed answer, desperate for the comfort of Willow’s voice. ‘Hey, big sis,’ she said.
‘Hey, little sis. How was your day? Are you still in Newcastle?’
Harper sighed—unsure where to start.
‘Wow,’ Willow said. ‘That’s a big sigh for a little sister.’
Usually Harper would have laughed at such a comment, but she didn’t have it in her. ‘It’s been a big day,’ she said instead.
‘You want to talk about it?’
‘I’m driving home now. Back to Sydney,’ she added as if she needed to clarify that. Suddenly her beautiful house in Paddington didn’t promise the comfort it usually gave her. ‘Jasper is with Anaya again and …’ The rest of her sentence evaporated as the ball of emotion that had lodged itself in her throat threatened to unravel.
‘You sound weird,’ Willow said after a few long moments of silence.
Harper let out a snort. ‘I just spent the day with a baby who is biologically mine but who legally belongs to another couple, one part of which is dead. How do you expect me to sound?’
‘I’m sorry, I just meant … you sound different.’
‘I think I am different,’ she admitted.
‘Oh boy. This sounds like the kind of conversation we need to have over wine, not over the telephone.’
Harper agreed. ‘Wine sounds like a very good idea. I’ll be back in about an hour.’
‘Your place or mine?’ Willow asked.
‘Can we meet somewhere else? No offence to Miriam or Samuel, but I don’t think I’m ready to talk about this with anyone else yet.’ Willow would help her sort through her feelings, whereas Samuel would likely get angry and tell her she was being ridiculous.
‘Okay. Sure. How about The Drunk Monk?’ Willow named a bar in Surry Hills about halfway between both their houses. The place was usually crowded on the weekends but not too bad during the week. ‘When can you be there?’
Harper glanced at the time on her dashboard. ‘If the traffic doesn’t get any worse … about 6 pm.’
The traffic played nice, and after parking her car down a side street, Harper approached the entrance of The Drunk Monk almost on the dot of six. Willow had already grabbed a booth and she stood when Harper approached. They hugged longer than they usually did and Harper thought about the fact that over the last couple of weeks she’d become both a crier and a hugger. She almost didn’t know herself.
When they broke apart, Willow took one look at Harper and said, ‘I’m thinking this might call for something stronger than wine. I’m getting you a whiskey.’
Did she look that bad? Harper screwed up her nose. She’d never been a drinker of strong liquor, so one whiskey was likely to knock her on her arse. ‘No. I drove here and I need to drive home. A sav blanc will be fine.’
‘I caught a taxi so I could drive you home. You’re having a whiskey.’
Before Harper could object again, Willow turned in her bright red Doc Martens and stalked over to the bar. With a sigh, Harper slumped into the booth seat in the back corner of the dimly lit bar. As she slid her hands over the table in front of her—made out of old whiskey barrels—she remembered that The Drunk Monk specialised in whiskey and pizza.
Her
stomach rumbled and she realised that she hadn’t eaten all day. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to stomach much, but pizza was almost up there with Coco Pops in the realms of comfort food, so perhaps she should give it a shot. As Willow was facing the bar, her back to the table, and Harper didn’t want to leave the booth and risk losing it, she dug her mobile phone out of her bag and texted her an order.
She watched as Willow glanced down at the mobile in her hand and then a second later turned around and gave her a thumbs up.
While she waited for Willow’s return, Harper texted Samuel to say she was catching up with her sister and wouldn’t be home for a couple of hours. Almost instantly he replied:
That’s okay. I’m working late. I’ll just call some takeaway into the office. x
Harper frowned as she read his message. Where was his question about her day? Was he so self-absorbed that he’d forgotten about her trip to Newcastle? Or did he not rate it as significant?
‘Here you are my love.’ Willow arrived back at the table carrying two drinks. The first, a martini glass with some kind of red liquid inside, she placed in front of Harper. The second, which looked to be a glass of Coke, she sipped the moment she sat down.
‘What is this?’ Harper asked, twirling the stem of the glass between her fingers. ‘I thought you were getting me whiskey.’
‘That—’ Willow nodded towards the glass, ‘—is a Manhattan. Its main ingredient is whiskey but the others might make it more palatable for you. Drink up.’
Harper did as she was told, relishing the slight burn at the back of her throat as she swallowed. Maybe she would let Willow drive her home. ‘It’s not bad.’
Willow grinned. ‘And the pizza shouldn’t be long either.’
‘Probably a good thing if I’m drinking these,’ Harper said, lifting her glass a little. ‘I haven’t eaten anything all day.’
‘What? Not at all?’
She shook her head. ‘I was too nervous to eat this morning and then when I was in the hospital with Anaya the last thing on my mind was food. Do you want to see some photos?’
‘Sure,’ Willow said, but even before the word had left her mouth, Harper was digging into her handbag for her digital camera.
‘Phones aren’t allowed in the NICU,’ she explained as she brought up the first of the hundreds of photos she’d snapped that day onto the screen. She handed the camera to her sister and watched as Willow scrolled through. ‘Isn’t she just adorable?’
‘She’s a doll. And she looks like you as a baby.’
‘I know.’ Ever since Lilia had pointed out the resemblance, Harper couldn’t look at the photos without seeing it—and she’d been looking at them a lot—but seeing Anaya in person today had made it even more obvious. ‘I’ve fallen for her,’ she confessed.
Willow’s head snapped up and she stared at Harper as if she were a stranger. Her eyes widened. ‘What exactly do you mean?’
Harper took another sip of her Manhattan, a little bit of liquid courage to tell her sister the weird thoughts and feelings that had been whirling round her head the last few hours. ‘I thought I might get bored sitting in the hospital with a baby all day,’ she said, ‘but I’ve fallen in love with her. I know she’s not legally my child and that I haven’t felt her in my womb or given birth to her, but I feel this intense love towards her that I never expected. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. When I look at Anaya, I think my heart might burst. And walking away from her this afternoon was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.’
‘Oh boy.’ Willow sighed, then reached across and took a gulp of Harper’s Manhattan. ‘Perhaps we both need whiskey tonight.’
‘No.’ Harper shook her head and snatched her drink back. ‘You need to keep a clear head because as my big sister it’s your duty to tell me what to do.’
‘What do you mean? What do you want to do?’ Willow asked.
At that moment, a smiley-faced waiter appeared with a pizza. ‘Good evening ladies,’ he said as he laid it on the table between them. ‘One margherita. Enjoy.’ Then he gestured to Harper’s glass. ‘Can I get you another one of those?’
She was horrified to see she’d almost finished it, but not horrified enough to reject the offer. Desperate times call for desperate measures and all. ‘Yes, that would be lovely, thank you,’ she said, and with a nod he retreated again.
‘So,’ Willow said with a confused shake of her head, ‘let me get this straight. You’ve fallen for the baby?’
Harper nodded—much to her surprise she’d fallen hook, line and sinker.
‘Does that mean you want to be more involved in her life than originally planned?’
‘I think so. Is that insane?’ She picked up a slice of pizza and forced herself to take a bite.
‘I’m … uh … I don’t know.’ Willow looked uncharacteristically speechless. ‘How involved do you want to be? Have you told Jasper?’
‘No. Not yet. I didn’t get the chance. He practically threw me out of the NICU this afternoon after admitting that until today he hadn’t felt anything for Anaya.’ Irritation bubbled inside her again. She wished the waiter would return with her damn drink.
‘What?’ Willow shook her head again as if struggling to keep up.
Harper took a deep breath and relayed the conversation she’d had with Jasper at Anaya’s side. ‘And after all that, he had the audacity to dismiss me like some kind of stranger. I’m worried, Willow. I’m scared his grief over Claire might be similar to Laura’s and that he might neglect Anaya because of it.’
‘Hold on a moment.’ Willow held up a hand and gave Harper her stern big sister expression. ‘You can’t jump to that conclusion. Plenty of parents have lost partners and not lost the plot like our mother did. Jasper just buried his wife—he gained a daughter the day he lost the love of his life. He’s in shock. Of course he’d be numb. Give the poor guy a chance to step up.’
‘One Manhattan,’ announced the waiter, delivering the drink to the table with the flourish of a magician.
‘Thanks,’ Harper managed, sliding the glass towards her. She gulped half of it down and then looked her sister in the eye. ‘Perhaps you’re right, but I think I had some kind of panic attack in the car on the way back. I couldn’t breathe at the thought of being apart from her. It’s not just that I’m worried about Jasper’s feelings towards her but also because I can’t ignore my own.’
Willow raised an eyebrow and let out a deep sigh. ‘Do you think you’d be feeling such a strong reaction to the baby if Claire was still alive?’
‘I don’t know.’ Harper shrugged. ‘But she’s not, so that’s irrelevant.’
‘I thought you didn’t want kids?’ Willow didn’t have to say she was recalling the conversation they’d had only days ago about Harper’s abortion—it was scrawled across her face.
‘I didn’t. At least, I didn’t think I did. But I look at Anaya and all I can think about is the fact that she doesn’t have a mother. And then I find myself wanting to take on that role. Wanting it more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. It makes me wonder if I’ve simply been in denial—if I was suppressing that part of myself because I was afraid of repeating Laura’s mistakes.’
‘Having kids is a big responsibility.’
‘I know that,’ Harper snapped.
‘Hey, chill. I’m on your side here. I’m just wondering, how much custody do you want? Remember you live in Sydney and Jasper lives in the Hunter Valley—how will that work for Anaya?’
‘I don’t know.’ Harper felt tears threatening again. Why did life have to get so complicated? All she’d wanted was to do something meaningful and instead what should have been a simple act of kindness had thrown her whole world upside down. ‘I haven’t thought that far yet.’
‘And what will Samuel think of this?’
Harper actually shuddered. That was not a conversation she was looking forward to having, but then she couldn’t bury her feelings for his sake.
As if sen
sing Harper was close to a mental meltdown, Willow reached across the table and took hold of her hands. ‘I think you should finish eating this pizza and then you should go home. Sleep on it. See how you feel in the morning—or even after a few days. Today’s obviously been an emotionally exhausting day but as gorgeous as this baby is, you’re under no obligation to her. Legally Anaya is Jasper’s responsibility and even though Claire has died, that hasn’t changed. He might not want you any more involved than you guys originally planned.’
Oh God. Harper’s stomach turned and she yanked her hands out of her sister’s and pushed the pizza away. There was no way she could eat another bite. She hadn’t even thought about that possibility. Would she have a legal leg to stand on now that the situation had changed? Samuel would know. There might be someone at his firm who could help her. But that would mean getting him onside.
‘I’m sorry,’ Willow said. ‘I’m supposed to be here supporting you and I’m not sure I’m doing a very good job. This was just a bit of a shock. I do want you to think very carefully about what you want and what is best for Anaya going forward, but then, whatever you decide, I’ll be here for you and her a hundred percent.’
‘Maybe you’re right,’ Harper said, feeling defeated. ‘I didn’t want to have kids because I don’t want to stuff them up like our mother did. Just because the situation with Anaya has changed, doesn’t mean my example of motherhood has. Why do I suddenly think I’d know how to be a good mother?’
‘I didn’t say you wouldn’t be a good mother,’ Willow exclaimed, sounding outraged. ‘Laura might not have been a shining example of motherhood, but that only means you have a good example of what not to be. I stand by what I said last week—I think you’d make a wonderful mum. If that’s what you want to be.’
‘I think I do,’ she whispered, pressing her hand against her heart. Then, ‘No, I know I do.’
‘In that case, kiddo,’ Willow said, ‘I think there’s two very important men you need to talk to. Do you want another drink or shall I take you home so you can get started?’
Harper looked at the near-empty glass and thought another drink a far more tempting prospect than talking to Samuel, but if she indulged in a third Manhattan she’d be in no state to talk to anyone. ‘I think I’ve had enough.’ She dug her keys out of her handbag and handed them to her sister. ‘Let’s go.’
The Greatest Gift Page 27
