by Yessi Smith
I’ll eat tofu every day if I can wrap it up in some bacon. And, seriously, what’s better than a mushroom pizza topped with bacon? Or Italian sausage for that matter?
Not that Hayley’s ever fully committed to being a vegetarian. She loves Philly cheesesteaks far too much to give them up entirely. And when we go to a Cuban restaurant, she orders enough croquettas to feed a village.
I kick back my beer and watch a pre-recorded documentary about the sharks of Bimini. I want to take Hayley back to that small island and have another picnic on the beach with nothing but the stars above us and the ocean beside us. I’ve been learning about the constellations in my free time so I can point out a few stars with the telescope I have hidden in the closet we share.
It’s a good thing Hayley is such a slob, so that one more bagged box doesn’t raise any suspicions. I’d planned a weeklong trip to South Bimini months ago, but never solidified the trip. Now that we’re back together, I can start planning it again.
Well, kind of back together. We’re living under the same roof, sleeping in the same bed, and are mainly hospitable toward one another, but there’s a distance between us that neither one of us knows to how close. The damnest part is that it’s all my doing. She was willing to take me back, even after I told her about my parents, but I can’t seem to let things go.
She hasn’t just accepted what I told her about my parents and Hannah’s death, but has tried to lift the weight I carry so it doesn’t continue to bury me. But I can’t let it go any more than I can let her go. I tried, God knows I tried, but she’s my weakness and I can’t live without her. Maybe with her help, I’ll be able to find a way to carry this guilt while keeping Hayley. I want to keep Hayley all to myself because I’m a selfish man and would have no qualms about destroying every relationship she goes into after me. There is no one for her after me—there’s only me. I can’t have it any other way.
Hayley thinks I’m noble, while Adam calls me stupid. I’m done being both or either. I gave up on us, refused to believe in her, yet she’s forgiven me without me even apologizing. But I don’t want to be someone who just utters the words ‘I’m sorry’. No, I want to be that guy that makes things up to her. She shouldn’t just accept me for the dysfunctional ass wipe that makes her cry and then waltzes back into her life.
She somehow sees the beauty in my dysfunction though. And she becomes alive whenever I surprise her with special outings so I’ll use both to my advantage. I know how to make her swoon and how to make her tremble. I’ll have her doing both before Dee and Adam’s wedding. Then I won’t have to spend sleepless nights lying next to her while I think about Hayley and her soft skin or how her body curves into mine perfectly as if she were my own personal missing puzzle piece. I won’t wake up with every noise that comes from her because I’ll be the one making her lips and body scream my name.
I adjust my pants when I hear Hayley’s key at the door and try to think about anything but the woman outside that door that makes my own body shout its declaration of unconditional love for her. I walk over to the door, ready to embrace the woman I love when she rushes in with a very large black beast by her side. I stop midstride and stare at the monster, who returns my stare without wavering.
“What’s that?” I ask her, pointing at her new companion.
“A dog,” she replies, walking past me with her arms full of dog food and bowls and a content look on her face.
“It has three legs.” I point to the obviously missing right hind leg.
“Yes, he does, but he’s strong and sweet as can be.”
There’s my girl, trying to save the world, one creature at a time. I just hope this three-legged beast hasn’t taken my place and that she still wants to save me.
“What kind of dog is he?” I crouch down to the dog’s level and let him smell my hand. When I’m certain he doesn’t want to take a chunk out of my hand, I pet his large head but back off when I hear him grumble.
“Good, he has your scent,” she chirps happily. “Now if you leave me again, he’ll know who to go all Cujo on.”
“Hayley.” I back away from both of them, not completely trusting her warped sense of humor.
“Relax,” she laughs. “He’s just a grumpy guy. The staff at the shelter told me he always grumbles when people pet him. He’s not growling at you.” She tries to appease me. “Trust me, you’ll know when he growls.”
I’m curious how she knows his growl and if she’d actually bring a beast that’s growled at her home, but let it slide. She’s a smart girl, she wouldn’t bring home a dog that growled at her. Right?
“So you got a dog?”
“Yep. I promised myself an ugly dog when I got back from Tampa but look at him! Isn’t he gorgeous?”
Sure. If you think the devil disguised as a three-legged dog is gorgeous.
“He’s got Lab in him?” I question.
“Yeah, and maybe some Great Dane.”
“You don’t think he’ll be cramped in an apartment.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “Overcrowding? What are you really worried about?”
“Okay, be honest.” I grin. “Have you replaced me with a dog?”
“There’s no replacing you, Max.” Her voice is small and laced with hurt, but I’m not completely sure I was supposed to hear it so I don’t respond. Spineless, little bitch in a training bra, that’s me.
“What are we going to name him?” I make sure to add we so she knows I’m counting us as a unit.
“Nothing I’ve come up with seems to fit him.”
“I vote for Beast,” I tell her but she squishes her nose at me, not liking my suggestion. Okay, something more suited for a gentleman, perhaps? “How’d he lose his leg?”
“A car hit him.” She sits on the floor, taking the overgrown dog’s face in her hand and hugging him to her. “His previous family wanted to put him down, but the vet took ownership of him and saved his life, but couldn’t keep him so he gave him up to the shelter.”
“Now you’ve given him a second chance and are giving him a family.”
“A real family,” she agrees. “One that won’t desert him when shit gets real.” She looks at me pointedly and I bite the inside of my cheek, almost certain her words are for me.
“So he’s a survivor. He needs a strong name,” I say and she nods her head in agreement. “Janus,” I suggest, pronouncing it Jay-nus.
“Janus?” she lifts her eyebrows and I squirm under her watchful eyes. “That’s a chick’s name.”
“Janus is the God of beginnings and he’s getting a new beginning so…”
“Janus.” Hayley tries out the name and the big guy looks up at her with eyes that show the adoration he already has for her. “It’s perfect! We’ll just have to get him a super masculine collar so no one calls my big boy, a girl. Your name is Janus,” she tells the dog and he wags his tail. “Don’t thank me. Your poppa picked it out.”
Poppa, huh? I can live with being an oversized three-legged beast of a dog’s Poppa so long as Hayley is the Momma.
Janus and I follow Hayley into the kitchen and, knowing Hayley would have eaten with Dee, I make myself a sandwich, and solidify my friendship with Janus when I throw him a few scraps of lunch meat. After picking up my mess and finding a light green apple, I sit at our kitchen bar and eat my dinner while I watch Janus acquaint himself with our apartment.
Already, I like the dog. He’s brought a sense of ease into our tense apartment. He’ll make a good jogging partner, too, once we know each other better. I’ll start taking him on walks tomorrow to make sure he’s good on a leash and get his muscles used to exercise.
I stop chewing for a second when I wonder if I’ll end up being one of those guys that requests joint custody over the dog if Hayley and I do split up. The thought of losing Hayley terrifies me so I push it out of my mind and instead focus on Janus and our new beginnings.
“I want to meet your parents,” Hayley blurts out, making me choke on my sandwich. Well, there
’s one new beginning I didn’t see coming.
I continue to cough while Hayley shoves a glass of water into my hand and tears stream down my cheek. Meet my parents? I’d rather choke on this damn sandwich and die an untimely death. I take slow, deep breaths while Hayley rubs my back until I’m sure I’ll live to have another bite. But instead of taking another bite, I toss what’s left of my sandwich to Janus, further gaining his loyalty, and stare at Hayley who has begun rummaging through the kitchen drawers, probably trying to find my already shattered heart.
“My parents, Hayley?” I ask, not understanding why she’d want to put either one of us through that.
Maybe she really did mean what she said and she only had me move in with her to placate Dee until her wedding day. Why else would she ask me to do something she has to know would ruin our already unsteady relationship?
Hayley takes my face in her hands and kisses me softly, making me forget why I’d ever deny her anything.
“Yes,” she says simply.
And I know without a fraction of a doubt, I’ll give her anything, even if it means I have nothing left inside of me. I don’t want to see my family. I don’t want to be reminded of all that I left behind—the good or the bad, but I’ll willingly do it for Hayley.
But none of this is about me. It’s about her and Hannah and finding a closure I can’t give either of them.
“Okay,” I whisper with a hesitant nod and I take my eyes off of her before I continue. “After the wedding.” I’m not sure why I want to wait that long, only that I want to stay in her life a little while longer.
She smiles back at me, obviously happy and untroubled. While her smile once only brought me joy, now that joy is mixed with guilt. She hasn’t let go of Hannah’s death like she had told me to do. She holds onto it and her sister with the same ferocity I do. And I wonder, if I will ever get to experience her smile and her laughter without the accompany guilt. Without the cost she told I was not indebted to.
I walk out of the kitchen quietly after I throw the remainder of my trash away and sit on our couch, not really paying attention to whatever is on the television. When Hayley joins me, I purse my lips together and get up to take a shower, but am careful not to look at her as I leave. Looking at her would be my undoing and I can’t be undone until Hayley finds her peace.
That night I lie on the couch while Janus takes up what should be my side of the bed and no matter how hard I try, I can’t turn off my brain. Everything about my life comes full circle, always stopping with Hannah. If it weren’t for Hannah, I would never have left my parents’ house and wound up institutionalizing myself out of hunger. I wouldn’t have dealt with the hardships of life, but I also would never have met Hayley. Hayley would have gone about her life, living it to the fullest and would never have needed help from a psychiatric facility. I would never have even been a blimp on her radar.
The good and the bad, they all come back to Hannah, and as screwed up as it is, a big part of me is grateful for everything that led to putting Hayley in my life—even Hannah’s death.
While I don’t find much peace in my thinking, I do manage to fall asleep. And in my frustrated state, I find a release for all the tension I hole up inside of me. I find Hayley, always Hayley. She’s beautiful in a way that is uniquely hers. Her laughter fills every gaping hole inside of me. And when she touches me, when she presses her soft lips to my skin, I tremble much the same way I yearn to make her tremble. Only she stays just out of my grasp, teasing me and leaving me wanting and with my blood pulsing throughout my veins.
I wake up on a frustrated groan, knowing this woman will be my absolute destruction. With my mind scrambled and my balls turning blue, I tiptoe into our bedroom and let myself into our bathroom where I damn myself for falling in love with a woman who is sleeping just a few feet away from me, but might as well be living on another planet. After I turn on the water and step into the shower, I take my dick in my hand and imagine her long fingers around it as her lips curl over it, licking and sucking the tip. My strokes become furious as I picture grabbing the back of her head and stroking my fingers through her wet hair. On a curse that vibrates throughout my entire body, I finally expel some of my aggravations only to find it hasn’t soothed me in the least.
I can hear Max through the bathroom door and while I stay cuddled under my covers in bed, I can’t help but wonder what has him up so early. He’s not just up earlier than usual, but also loud. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was throwing a party or going to war in there. I don’t think the shower handle or the shower walls stand a chance at survival.
I burrow deeper into my covers when I hear him shut off the water with a loud swear and march through the door. I peek my eyes open and am disappointed to find his lower half wrapped in a towel, but my eyes widen when I see his torso is still wet. What I wouldn’t give to run my tongue over his chest and drink him in.
Janus leaves the comfort of our bed and follows Max to the couch where I hear Max quickly dress and slip on Janus’ leash. It’s not even five in the morning and the two idiots are going for a walk?
Whatever. At least it’ll be quiet again and I can get some more sleep. Not that I got much sleep last night because of Idiot #1, who was isolating me and slept on the couch. Every attempt I made at talking to him, to bring him out of his thoughts were rejected. I can’t understand why he’d rather shut me out and sleep on the couch, but hell, men are stupid. Like nailing jello to the wall type of stupid. The only reason I even thought about getting a male dog is because his balls were cut off, leaving him with more room for intelligence and common sense.
Dee tried to convince me to not get Janus because of all the muscular or bone problems a large dog with three legs might potentially have. Yeah, I get it. He has an uneven weight distribution, but that doesn’t mean he’s not loveable. His past might potentially come back and hurt all of us, but it’s the time in between the tragedies that makes life worth living.
I took one look into his big brown soulful eyes and I wouldn’t have cared if he had six legs or three tails. He was mine.
The girls at the shelter told me his previous owner said he loved the water so Dee and I immediately made plans to take him to Dee’s house so he can try out their swimming pool. Hopefully Adam won’t mind barbecuing us some burgers or the extra hair that he’ll find in the pool’s filter.
But, hey, I’ve happily dealt with Josie’s spit up and diarrhea diapers. Not that I’m comparing Josie to a dog or anything.
By six, I come to terms with the simple fact that I won’t be going back to sleep, so I throw off the covers and stalk into the kitchen. With a stiff posture and corded neck from either frustration or lack of sleep, I try out a new cake pops recipe I want to make for one of my customers. Once I put them in the oven for a preset amount of time, I head into the shower, which still smells like Max.
I don’t know how he does it, but every inch of the bathroom smells like him. It’s like his scent is ingrained into the walls and the shower. I catch myself before I cling to the walls just to smell him in. Desperation is not a good look for anyone.
But I do allow my hand to linger on the shower handle a bit longer than necessary, and pretend that I am touching his hand. Or better yet, that his hands are touching me. Slowly, he takes my hand and brings it to his lips before they trace a line up my arm and down my back. A soft moan escapes my lips as I imagine the water trickling down my body are his hands all over me. Everywhere at once. I open my mouth to welcome him in and touch my breasts with my own hands.
With the water falling over my face like warm kisses, I move my hand down and draw circles around my stomach like he would do. My lips part again when my hands reach my inner thigh and I…
On a frustrated sigh, I lean my head onto the cold shower walls. Fuck me. Fuck him. I was two seconds away from masturbating. Me, masturbating. When I have a man that is more than capable of pleasing me living under the same roof as me, but still manages to be far out of re
ach. This is his job, the bastard.
Clenching my jaw, I wash myself quickly and make sure to keep my fingers far away from any pleasure points. I pat myself dry and lather my body in lotion while swearing and cursing Max’s very existence. I will not masturbate. Not because there’s anything wrong with masturbating, but out of principle. The principle being the dickhead I once lovingly called my boyfriend.
I knew telling him I wanted to meet his parents would be difficult for him to come to terms with, but I didn’t expect him to completely shut me out. I have a right to meet them, to ask them questions and confront them. Even if it means hurting Max.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to hurt him. I just want the closure only his parents can bring. I know Hannah was sick, but maybe her affair with his father was the final nail in her coffin. I just need to get some answers, not just about her death though, but also her life. At the time of Hannah’s death, I was so wrapped up in my own life that I never took the time to see her. Now, I need to see all of her, all of the pieces I missed because I thought my life was so much more important than hers. I don’t know if they’ll have any answers, or if they’ll even be able to provide me with any insight, but I owe it to both her and me to try.
With barely anything more than a grunt, Max lets himself into our apartment and hurries back into the bathroom where he showers in the same place I envisioned him touching me. I could just go in there, undress and join him under the spray. He wouldn’t deny me. But he wouldn’t offer me more and I want more.
I want Max, all of him.
I get Janus ready to go to Dee’s house as Max comes out of the shower, again without a shirt. Janus grumbles when Max pets his head in passing and Max flips him off playfully.
“Yeah, buddy, I know,” I tell Janus while Max looks back at me curiously so I clear my throat and smile at him. “I’m taking Janus to Dee’s so he can try out their swimming pool. The girls at the shelter said he likes to swim and I figure it’s good exercise for him,” I explain under his watchful gaze.
