by Claire Adams
“It doesn’t sound stupid,” Carl said. “So what happened?”
“What happened is the guy—Ian—suddenly told me he couldn’t see me anymore. It made no sense because we’d only just gotten back together, and things were great, and then out of the blue, he says this. Something didn’t seem right about it, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. And then this other guy that I’m kind of friendly with who is a client of Ian’s, he’s interested in me, I guess. And his father basically told Ian to back off so his son could have a chance.”
“Really,” Carl said. “That must’ve been a surprise to you.”
“It was. I mean, I don’t know exactly how old he is, but I think he’s closer to Ian’s age, so that makes him in his early thirties. And to have your father getting involved like that seems sort of . . . weird.”
“Intrusive.”
“Exactly.”
“Desire is an interesting thing,” Carl said. “It’s closely intertwined with both pleasure and pain, and unchecked desire can morph into craving, into obsession. I think most people would say they want to be desired, but then you also run the risk of it going too far, which can be problematic.”
“Is that what this is all about?” I asked. “Desire?”
“Desire is the driving force behind a lot of things, not just romantic ones. I think what you need to do is figure out what it is that you desire. It seems you’ve been a rather passive participant in a lot of what has happened so far. My best advice would be to think about what it is that you, Daisy, really want.”
I nodded. The way he put it, it sounded so simple, but the truth of it was, I had no idea what I wanted.
The next morning, I got up and checked my email, hoping for some response to any of the resumes that I’d sent out. Nothing. I reread the article that I’d written and did a little editing while I drank my coffee. I was about to start sending out more resumes when the doorbell buzzed. I went over to the intercom.
“Hello?” I said, trying not to sound wary. I really hoped it wasn’t Noah.
“Daisy,” a male voice said. “Hey. It’s Jonathan. Can I come in?”
“Jonathan—hey. Sure. Hold on.” I went out and opened the main door and let him in. He followed me into my apartment.
“I’ve missed seeing you around the office,” he said. “How’s it been going?”
“It’s been all right. Still on the hunt for a job.”
“Yeah? That sucks. I know the market’s pretty tough out there right now.”
“Something will work out. I’ve been sending out resumes and stuff. I’ve got a little bit of money saved to tide me over.”
Jonathan nodded. “Good. I’m glad to hear that. And Ben told me about what went down with Noah, so you probably won’t have to move now, right?”
“I don’t think so,” I said. “Unless of course I decide to uproot my life and go out to California or something. Maybe Seattle.”
“Really?” he asked. “You’re thinking about doing that?”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure—but maybe a change would be good? Maybe it’d be nice to see another part of the country. There’s not really anything holding me here anymore.”
He rubbed his palms together and took a deep breath. “Look, Daisy,” he said. “I should’ve been up front with you about this from the very beginning. I like you. I like you a lot. Not in just a friend way. I mean, I think you’re a great friend, but I’ve been interested in you as more than just a friend for . . . well, it’s been a while.” I stared at him as his words started to sink in. Then I burst out laughing. Probably not the response that he was hoping for.
“I’m sorry,” I said, in between fits of laughter. “I’m not laughing at you. I’m just . . . this whole thing . . . I just don’t even know what to think.”
“It was messed up the way Ian’s been treating you,” he said. “But I . . . I did something.”
I stopped laughing. “You did something? What do you mean?”
“That whole thing with Martin Harris? That was me.”
“What do you mean, that was you? You were the one who let it get out that whole thing was happening?”
“Yes.” He was trying not to smile. He looked at me as though he was expecting me to go over and give him a high five. “I know it probably doesn’t seem like much, but it’s something.”
I stared at him. “Why would you do that?” I asked.
“To get back at him, I guess. I realize how stupid it was. But I was really pissed at him. Not just because he lied to me about you.”
“What else?” I asked. “What else could he have possibly done to you that would make you want to sabotage your own company, just to hurt him?”
But Jonathan was shaking his head. “This isn’t my company,” he said. “Ian might like to play it off like we started this together, but at the end of the day, it’s his company. At the end of the day, he’s the one who’s in charge and calling all the shots. That’s how it’s always been though, even when we were just kids. I don’t know how much he’s told you about his past, but he basically integrated himself into my family. I think my mother loved him more than she loved me sometimes, to be honest. And he was always better at sports, and as we got older, he got stronger and better-looking, and it was like he could do no wrong. He hardly ever even works out, and he looks like that, did you know that? And my father had always hoped I’d join the military, but I wanted to go to college, and then Ian ends up as a Marine. He and I have a whole long history that I don’t think you’re even aware of.”
“Okay,” I said slowly, “that might very well be the case, but that doesn’t mean you should’ve done something like that, Jonathan. That’s pretty messed up. Ian was adamant that it wasn’t someone on this end. He trusts you.”
“Well, I trusted him!” Jonathan yelled. “I was honest with him about how I felt about you, and he told me that he was going to get a feel for whether or not you were ready to be in a relationship with someone. He told me he was going to do that and he ends up getting with you himself. Which I should have expected. I should have known this was going to happen.”
“Are we in high school?” I asked, unable to believe what I was hearing. “You asked him to find out for you if I was interested in dating? Why wouldn’t you just ask me yourself? Don’t you think if someone doesn’t have the guts to do it themselves, then maybe they don’t deserve it?”
“I’m not saying I’d do it the same way if I could go back,” he said, scowling. “I just felt so caught up in it, and I liked you so much that I didn’t want to mess things up. I knew all the shit that you were going through with Noah, and I didn’t want to scare you off. And he told me that he talked to you and you weren’t ready to see anyone, so I just backed off.”
“And then you found out that we were seeing each other and you decided to leak private information? I can’t believe this. Does Ian know?”
“No.”
I took a deep breath. I didn’t know what to say; the whole thing was kind of hard to believe. “I think you should go, Jonathan. I really don’t even know what else to say. I mean, I don’t work there anymore, I don’t have anything to do with the company. But regardless, it seems like it’s pretty messed up to go behind your friend’s back and do something like that. I don’t actually think I could go out with someone who would be willing to do that.”
“I understand,” he said. “I honestly wasn’t expecting that you’d say otherwise. But I wanted to tell you. And now since I’ve told you . . . I guess I’ll just go.”
“I think that would be best.”
He paused, like there was something else he wanted to tell me, but then thought better of it.
After he left, I called Caroline. “I’m starving, and I need to talk,” I said. “Want to meet for breakfast? Somewhere cheap.”
“Sure,” she said. “How about Bette’s Diner? Is everything okay?”
“The diner sounds good, and I’ll tell you when I see you,” I said.
&
nbsp; At the diner, I slid across the smooth turquoise vinyl booth across from Caroline. The waitress came over right away, and I accepted her offer of a cup of coffee and then ordered a Belgian waffle and a side of scrambled eggs.
“So what’s going on?” Caroline asked.
“There has been so much messed up stuff happening I don’t even know where to begin. Jonathan had just stopped by before I called you.”
“Jonathan? Really?”
“Yeah. He came over to let me know that the whole reason I basically got hired there in the first place was because he liked me. But he didn’t say anything about it because he’d asked Ian to find out if I was interested in dating anyone, or if I wasn’t ready for something like that because of Noah.”
“Wow,” Caroline said. “Looks like Ian took that one a little too far.”
“You don’t think that’s a little bit . . . I don’t know, lame? I would’ve had more respect for him if he had just been upfront himself about it.”
“Well, yeah,” Caroline said, peeling the top off a little container of half and half. “He should have grown a pair and told you himself. I guess it’s a little bit cute, but in a juvenile sort of way, that he couldn’t tell you himself.”
“Right,” I said. “I think he thought I was going to be happy about that, or think that it made him this upstanding sort of person or something, but really, the whole thing is stupid.” I shook my head. “It’s crazy. Suddenly everyone is confessing their love for me. Whose life is this?”
Caroline laughed. “Most women would be dying to be in your position, you know.”
“Well, I’m not. It’s not as much fun as it might sound like. It’s really weird, if you want to know the truth.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t know,” she said. “I’ve never had five guys drooling over me at the same time.”
“It’s not five,” I said. “But I’m not even used to having one. I used to feel like I was pretty much invisible to guys before all of this.”
“Obviously not,” she said. “You’ve had a stalker, you’ve got a guy whose parents are trying to arrange a marriage, you’ve got guy from the gym who’s getting you a job at his company because he has a secret crush on you, and then you’ve got . . . Ian. I don’t even know what to say about him.”
“He’s the one that I really felt like I had the connection with, though,” I said. “Out of all of them. And Billy and Jonathan are both so nice. Well, Billy is. I didn’t tell you the other part of what Jonathan told me.”
Caroline’s eyes widened. “What?”
“There was a leak with one of Hard Tail’s bigger clients, this banker whose brother and niece, I think it was, are famous actors, and it got out. It was supposed to be kept quiet so there wouldn’t be a bunch of media there, but the information got out and it was kind of a huge disaster, even though everything ended up working out. And Jonathan told me that it was him. He was the one who had done it.”
“Why? Why would he do that? He works there too.”
“He was pissed at Ian.”
“Wow,” she said. “This apparently goes deeper than I thought. So . . . how did you leave it with him?”
“I eventually told him that he needed to go because I didn’t know what to say. And I still don’t really know what to say about this whole thing. Part of me just wants to pack up what little shit I have and move somewhere like Seattle or something.”
“I’d miss you,” Caroline said. “But I would totally support you doing something like that. And I’ve always wanted to visit Seattle!”
Our waitress came over with our plates then, and I leaned back as she slid it in front of me.
“Thanks,” I said.
She smiled. She was older than us, probably in her mid-forties, her curly brown hair streaked with gray. “Now, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” she said, “but it sounds like you’ve got men interested in you left and right, honey. Believe it or not—when I was your age, I used to have the same problem. It can be flattering at first, but eventually, it gets tiresome. You love any of these men?”
“No,” I said. I thought of Ian. “Maybe.”
“Any of them love you?”
“I don’t know.”
“If you love one of these men—and especially if one of them loves you back—that’s not something to be ignored. I ignored it, and I missed out. Biggest regret of my life.” She patted my shoulder. “Enjoy your meal, honey.”
“Is that ‘maybe’ in reference to Ian?” Caroline asked skeptically.
“Yes,” I said. “But maybe it’s not love; I don’t know. Maybe it’s just lust or sexual chemistry.”
“You do seem pretty hung up on him,” she said.
I spread the pat of butter across the waffle and then drenched it with syrup. “He broke up with me because he felt like he had to, not because he wanted to. I don’t know if I would’ve done the same thing in his position, but there is a part of me that at least wants to talk to him again.”
Caroline nodded. “Maybe you should,” she said reluctantly.
I waited until later that day, and then I texted him. I told him that I wanted to talk, and he said he’d come by because he wasn’t too far from my place. I had thought that he’d refuse altogether, but I took it as a good sign that he seemed willing.
“I know what you did,” I said when he got there. I didn’t bother with any small talk; I wanted him to know that I knew everything that had happened. “I know that Seamus told you to stop seeing me because he wanted me to date his son.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I happened to be down at Failte the other night when Billy was there, for his birthday. And his parents were with him, and the whole story just sort of came out.”
“Oh.”
“Why would you do that?” I asked him. “Why would you stop seeing me all of the sudden, just because he told you to?”
His eyes were downcast, and he seemed to be struggling to come up with the correct thing to say. “I’d like to tell you that it’s something I don’t want to talk about ever, and just leave it at that,” he said. “Which I suppose I could. But I also want to be honest with you, because I think you deserve that.”
“Did he threaten to stop being a client? Isn’t that extortion or something?”
“Seamus obviously cares about his son, and is willing to do some things that maybe other parents wouldn’t,” Ian said. “And no, I don’t want to lose him as a client. But it’s more than that, really. My stepfather used to kick the shit out of me when I was younger. Seamus was the one who eventually put an end to that, which I didn’t realize until recently, when he told me. So in a way, I feel like I owe him this debt, even though I had no idea that I’d incurred it in the first place.”
“But you don’t owe him anything for that,” I said. “That’s ridiculous. Did you put him up to talking to your stepfather? Did you ask him to do it?”
“No.”
“Then you shouldn’t think for a second that it would be something he could use against you.”
“I know. But . . . it’s hard to explain. I just felt like I had to do it, even though it was really the last thing I wanted to do.” He pressed his lips together. “I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel toward you, Daisy. I know that I’ve said that enough times by now you’re probably rolling your eyes, but it’s true. One of the things that Pete used to say when he’d be kicking the shit out of me was how no one was ever going to want to be with me, that I was that much of a loser. And I think I kind of ingrained that into my mind.”
He looked so uncomfortable that my heart ached for him. At that moment, he wasn’t the man that could confidently walk into a room and know that he could get with any woman he wanted; I could see him then as he must’ve been when he was a little kid, scared and alone and believing that no one would ever love him.
“Wait a second,” I said, “I thought you loved your step-father. I thought he was really good to you.” An image of Pete, wheelchair-bound,
flashed through my mind. It didn’t seem like that person would be capable of the sorts of things that Ian was saying. “Why would you keep on visiting him if he did all these horrible things to you?”
“For that exact reason,” Ian said, addressing his hands. He wouldn’t meet my eye. “He was so awful to me, and made me feel like I was completely powerless for so long, that when it the roles were reversed, and he was the one that couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, I just wanted to rub it in his face that I was still here, living my life, getting to go out and do all the sorts of things that he would never be able to do again.”
“Isn’t that kind of messed up? Sadistic?”
Ian shrugged. “Probably.”
“I didn’t realize he’d done all those things to you.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to. It’s not something that I really like to talk about. But if you want to know the short version of it, Pete used to beat the shit out of me on a regular basis, though he never did anything when my mother was around. She was too busy or tired to be able to do anything about it, anyway. And I didn’t want to be the sort of kid that went running to his mommy just because he was having a problem.”
“But you were a kid,” I said. “That’s what your parents are there for.”
“Does it even matter now?” he asked. “I’m not a kid anymore, my mother’s dead, Pete’s in a nursing home.”
“Maybe it doesn’t matter,” I said. “Maybe it’s something you could’ve moved on from by now, except that you keep going there to see him. Don’t you think if you want to get over it, it’d be better if you just stopped?”
He finally looked at me. “It probably would,” he said. “But I don’t, because it feels good.”
