The advantage to engaging a therapist well in advance of a crisis is that by the time you do fall apart completely, you and your therapist will have already made your way through the emotional scars incurred between the ages of three and twelve, the soul-destroying humiliation of adolescence, the substance abuse of early adulthood, and the volcanic eruption of your first marriage. These issues having been resolved, you will now be able to tend, without further ado, to the nervous breakdown at hand.
Gloss over any past incidents or indiscretions which do not show you in your best light. There is no need to ever mention, for instance, the weekend you went bar-hopping with a motorcycle gang, the year you were flat broke and developed a taste for Kraft Dinner and fried baloney, or the time you got drunk at a party and spent the night with a short-order cook whose name you couldn’t remember in the morning. Save such unflattering reminiscences for your therapist.
Any notion that a bout of true confessions will be perceived by others as endearing and that they will like you more for your unflinching honesty is completely false. The truth is nothing can possibly be accomplished by making yourself look bad and the people to whom you have confessed such episodes will never let you live them down.
Rather, adopt a revisionist stance toward your own history. Your goal should be to make everybody believe that you have always been as virtuous, sophisticated, and affluent as you are now.
Have an opinion on everything. Give the distinct impression that nothing in the modern world has escaped your notice. Exhibit the astounding range of your knowledge as often as possible. This knowledge should encompass all subject areas. You should, for instance, be well-versed in politics at the world level. (Familiarity with municipal politics is optional, not mandatory.) You must keep abreast of both national and global current events. Be sure though that you are never perceived to be actually studying such issues. You are much too busy for that. People will marvel at how well-informed you are and conclude that you must have acquired such a wealth of information by osmosis.
You should be an expert on all forms of art, music, theater, dance, and literature. Have an opinion on all contemporary books whether you have actually read them or not. The same goes for movies, both foreign and domestic, which you must always refer to as films. It is to your advantage to also have an opinion on all recent medical and dietary innovations, all technological advances, weather patterns, fashion trends, and high-profile murder trials.
Do not be shy about expressing said opinions on everything. Do so with complete certainty and unshakable equanimity. Do so in an assertive and confident manner which makes all dissenting opinions look ridiculous. (Do not withhold judgment for any reason. Do not suffer fools gladly.)
If ever you do find yourself in the distressing situation of being without an opinion, agree repeatedly with the opinion which sounds closest to the opinion you would have if you had one. Register this agreement by repeatedly exclaiming with profound enthusiasm, “Absolutely!”
Imply that if you were in charge, the world would be a much kinder, cleaner, more civilized place: a place long since made free of rap music, panhandlers, vacuum cleaner salesmen, telemarketers, rude parking lot attendants, velvet paintings, romance novels, plastic cutlery, Styrofoam coffee cups, frozen pizza, and all desserts featuring colored marshmallows and shredded coconut. Indicate that, upon the eventual assumption of your rightful position as worldwide arbiter of good taste, you will immediately implement a policy of zero tolerance for polyester, spandex, crushed velvet, orange satin bedspreads, and leopardskin stretchies.
Join a variety of clubs and/or service organizations at which you are likely to meet people even more interesting and influential than the people you already know. Having joined the downtown fitness club, for instance, you may one day find yourself on the rowing machine next to the man who owns the most prestigious art gallery in town. In the event of such a fortuitous encounter, you must be able to initiate and conduct an intelligent critical discussion of surrealism without grunting, moaning, or dripping sweat in this man’s general direction.
The decision of which club to grace with your presence must be considered very carefully. Do not join a singles club unless you are indeed single. Do not join any group that holds séances during which the members attempt to contact the spirits of their dead relatives with a Ouija board. Do not join any club whose members are required to perform a secret handshake and wear unattractive uniforms (such as white sheets or shiny red suits with funny tasseled hats). Do not join any organization which refers to its place of meeting as “the clubhouse.” In such a case, you have blundered into either a preschool play group or a motorcycle gang.
(Please note: If you decide to join a club which involves any athletic activity, be it downhill skiing, synchronized swimming, lawn bowling, badminton, tennis, or darts, be sure that you are already proficient in this activity so as to avoid incurring serious injury or embarrassing yourself in front of a bunch of total strangers.)
Know that other people may not find your children as charming as you do. Even those people who apparently dote upon their own children to the point of distraction may not dote similarly upon yours. Be aware that, although many traditional notions have fallen by the wayside over the years, the old adage that children should be seen and not heard remains as true today as it ever was. Indeed you may now expand this good advice to include the codicil that children should not be seen too often or heard about too much.
Remember that small children are seldom welcome at fine restaurants, poetry readings, or the opera. (They are also not popular on airplanes but sometimes their presence in such a situation is unavoidable.) Remember that small children are most enjoyable to others when they are at home asleep under the watchful care of a reliable babysitter.
Securing the services of said babysitter is an important subject not usually covered in prenatal classes but it should be. Arrangements for such supplementary child care should be made well in advance of the birth itself. Even before you begin decorating the nursery, you should be compiling an extensive list of people who will be available at a moment’s notice for the next thirteen years or so. The most desirable babysitters are adults who have no social lives of their own. Not only are they likely to be more responsible, but they won’t have to be home by ten o’clock when the party you’re going to doesn’t start until nine-thirty.
(A small but important point: It is still considered good parenting practice to carry photographs of your children in your wallet at all times. However, when showing these around at a business luncheon or a fancy dinner party, remember that the maximum of two photographs per child must be strictly observed.)
Leave the contemplation of the question “What is the meaning of life?” to others whose temperaments make them more naturally suited to the task: that is to say, philosophers, poets, Tibetan monks, and other depres-sive types who inhabit the fringes of modern society. This question invariably leads, by some process of metaphysical mutation, to more questions like: “Who am I really? Why am I here? Is there life after death? Who invented plastic rain hats? Why do we want blue toilet water?” Prolonged speculation in these areas will lead you to the conclusion that such questions have no answers. This in turn will lead to a migraine headache and the suspicion that life may not be worth living after all.
Remember that, although a sense of style, a full passport, and an Armani suit may not make your life more meaningful, they will definitely make it more satisfying. Just as it is not necessary to understand the workings of the internal combustion engine in order to drive your silver Lexus, similarly, understanding the meaning of life is not a prerequisite to living well. Remember that a new silver Lexus with a genuine leather and wood interior operates on the same principle as an old yellow Honda Civic with no muffler. Which would you rather drive? Now there is a question that bears asking.
(A helpful hint: If you do occasionally find that this meaning-of-life issue insists upon rearing its ugly head despite your best
efforts to ignore it, it is best to discuss it with, and only with, your therapist. Such topics do not, generally speaking, make for scintillating dinner conversation and your social life will suffer accordingly. Your therapist, however, may be able to shed some light on this particular conundrum and will be happy to introduce you to such terms as existentialism, midlife crisis, and clinically depressed.)
Master many useful and unusual skills in your spare time. The possibilities here are endless. For starters, you should learn how to blow glass, raise peacocks, play water polo, build a log cabin, mix concrete, make lace, milk a cow, play the clarinet, fly a small plane, make paper, spin wool, change a car engine, grow orchids, make pretzels, and carve duck decoys. (Of course you are already an expert at baking, sewing, weaving, goldsmithing, computer programming, and underwater photography.)
The more skills you master, the more people will admire you to your face and call you nasty names behind your back. Be patient with them. They are just jealous. Suggest that they too might benefit immeasurably from an evening course in origami, upholstery, or the history of art. Unless of course they would prefer that you tutor them yourself.
Never wear earrings shaped like cats, dogs, horses, pumpkins, turkeys, palm trees, or Santa Claus.
Never use cheap shampoo.
Never serve pretzels as an hors d’oeuvre. (Unless of course you made them yourself.)
Never wear sweatpants (not even your black ones) in public.
Never wear socks with sandals or white sneakers with a business suit.
Never pay cash for a restaurant meal. Always use your gold card.
Never drink beer (or wine, for that matter) straight from the bottle.
Never comb your hair, pick your teeth, blow your nose, or scratch anywhere below the shoulders in front of other people.
Never confess that you once bought a pair of shoes at Wal-Mart.
Never admit that you don’t like eggplant, even when it’s called aubergine.
Never admit that you were wrong. (Mistaken, maybe, but never just plain wrong.)
Offer advice freely. Although your friends and acquain-tances may not, at first glance, appear to be asking for your advice, in truth, they always need it. Although they may insist that all they want is someone to listen to their problems, in truth, what they really want is someone to solve them.
The prime area of modern life which most consistently and desperately begs for advice is, of course, the romantic relationship. Assuming that you have a perfect relationship (complete with honesty, respect, great sex, and a fifty-fifty split on all household duties and expenses), what better person could there possibly be to assume the all-important responsibility of telling others how to run their love lives?
Such advice is best dispensed in small intimate groups of two or three people gathered together over a tasty garlic-laden lunch followed by many cups of fresh-ground coffee and/or many glasses of good white wine. Under such genial circumstances, almost anyone will feel free to spill his or her guts. Listen politely while nodding wisely, smiling warmly, and patting hands as required. Once the current problem has been sufficiendy aired and you have assessed the gravity of the situation, then it is your turn to talk. Begin with the sentence, “Well…I know what I would do if I were you.” Proceed to explain exactly what you would do which is also exactly what he or she should do. Although he or she may initially be resentful of or resistant to your suggestion of an affair, a divorce, or celibacy for a year or two, eventually he or she will thank you for it—even if, in the meantime, he or she stops speaking to you and frequendy crosses busy streets to avoid running into you.
(A word of advice to advanced advice-givers: Do not feel obliged to restrict yourself to advice of a romantic nature. Branch out and offer guidance on a diverse range of topics including home improvement, interior decorating, career and parenting strategies, medical treatment, organic gardening, Vietnamese cooking, aerobic exercise, and the best brand of breath mints.)
Prepare extensively prior to attendance at any significant social event. First, get a copy of the guest list so you know who else will be there. Determine as fully as possible who of these people is currently not speaking to you and who among them are not speaking to each other.
Assess the volatility of these various rifts so as to be alert to the possible eruption of unseemly shouting matches and/or fistfights. Forewarned is, as they say, forearmed. Bearing all this in mind in advance will prepare you for the diffusion of any uncomfortable encounters and will serve as a useful reminder as to whom you may safely insult in front of whom. If you anticipate an unavoidable confrontation of any kind, rehearse your speech beforehand. There is nothing worse than being caught unprepared by someone who has been leaving unpleasant messages on your answering machine for the last two weeks.
If possible, also find out who will be wearing what so as to avoid any unintentional and embarrassing duplication of fashion statements.
If there appear on the guest list any important people with whom you are not yet acquainted, find out the respective specialties of said people and do some research. If among the guests there will be a microbiologist, a theoretical physicist, a paleontologist, a world-renowned neurosurgeon, and a sound poet, acquire at least a basic knowledge of each of these subject areas which you may then exhibit at your leisure throughout the evening. Leave the distinct impression that you are an authority on everything. (Rest assured that, no matter what anybody says, this is not the same thing as being a know-it-all.)
Quit smoking, drinking to excess, and listening to loud rock-and-roll music. Smoking is no longer an accept-able bad habit. If you do persist, you will observe that it is becoming increasingly difficult to find a place where smoking is still permitted. Most of these remaining places are out-of-doors.
Consequently, as an inveterate smoker, you will find yourself repeatedly huddled with a bunch of other smokers on porches, patios, balconies, park benches, in back alleys, parking lots, and the doorways of office buildings, fancy restaurants, and four-star hotels. Nine times out of ten it will be raining, snowing, or thirty below. This practice will cause you to bond with all manner of people to whom you would not give the time of day under ordinary circumstances.
Similarly, drinking to excess is no longer considered charming (not even in those artistic and literary circles formerly renowned for their alcohol consumption). It is no longer an admirable accomplishment to be able to drink all your friends under the table. Now you should confine yourself, on any given evening, to one or two glasses of wine and then you should switch to coffee. Drinking large amounts of coffee late at night will cause you to feel every bit as hungover in the morning as if you had single-handedly polished off two bottles of wine the night before. But you will not be faced with that humiliating task of having to call everyone and ask them what you did last night. Even better than drinking in moderation is abstaining altogether. While remaining perfectly sober yourself, you will be vastly entertained by watching all your friends become stupider and stupider as the evening wears on.
Listening to loud rock-and-roll music is a pastime which should be engaged in only by angst-ridden adolescents. Having reached a certain age, you should be listening exclusively to classical music, opera, jazz, and/or whale songs. An occasional bout with the Rolling Stones is acceptable, but only for nostalgic purposes. Other than that, any music to which you can dance, sing along, or cry your eyes out is nothing more than juvenile and should be avoided at all costs.
Radiate at all times an aura of self-confidence, self-reliance, and self-control. Emit an air of refinement, maturity, and sophistication like a hundred-dollar-an-ounce perfume. Suppress the urge ever to admit to anyone that sometimes you feel inadequate, inferior, insecure, insignificant, and easily intimidated (by your boss, your children’s friends, and/or your hairdresser). Never confess to feeling anxious, clumsy, unattractive, unappreciated, unhappy, or very vulnerable. It is not to your advantage to admit that you too are afraid of dying and are w
ell aware of the fact that all the confidence and good taste in the world will not make you immortal. Especially never admit (not even to your best friend) that sometimes you feel all day long like crying for no good reason and that sometimes you do just that. There is nothing worse than having somebody feel sorry for you.
Spare no effort or expense when it comes to furnishing and decorating your home. Although you may be too busy to spend much time there, still, your home is your castle and must be outfitted accordingly. Settle for nothing but the best. In interior decoration (as in many other important areas), it is easier to know what you don’t want than what you do. Steer clear of any home decorating style that contains the word modern and involves vinyl, plaid, shag carpeting, lava lamps, vertical blinds, and the colors orange, purple, and/or avocado. Never purchase any item that says on the box, Looks just like real wood or Some assembly required. Avoid anything described as faux because, obviously, it is likely to be only a hop, skip, and a jump away from faux pas.
There are many commandments which must be obeyed in this area. The three most important of these are to err always on the side of the traditional, to keep your home immaculate at all times, and never to put your television in the living room.
Forms of Devotion Page 14
