by Aluta Nite
The girls loved it, including the wearing of beads around their waists, and other tactics they were trained in. Some of the girls became escorts after finishing high school or college. Others found gainful employment in more conventional fields, though for some among them, the training led to a scandalous part-time job that afforded them a higher standard of living.
At Vivian’s third destination, she found a culture where girls who had reached puberty, were not allowed to sleep under the same roof as their parents or enter their bedrooms, even when their parents were sick. They slept in old ladies’ houses, where they were instructed daily about married life.
They were told to keep anger out of the bedroom, however bad the cause might be and never to go to sleep annoyed at their mates. These were ways of fostering forgiveness and compromise between themselves and their husbands. This culture believed that anger management was the secret to happiness in marriage.
Ultimately, Vivian found very interesting, the individual and communal life threads that cultures weave for women.
A Bird at Hand is Worth More than one in the Distant
Shantel was a lovely lady and very hard working. She finished high school and graduated from college, then got a good job working in the government. She also got married to her high school sweetheart and started a family.
Within five years, she had two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Her husband left work and went into business successfully. They lived in the city in their own house and had two cars.
Shantel, however, was not satisfied with her level of education and yearned for more. Hence, she applied for various foreign scholarships and won one that would send her to an overseas college, to earn a master’s degree over a three-year study period. She, however, could not return home until she had completed her studies.
She was overjoyed and decided to go for it, despite the fact that her children were young; her first child was in pre-school. She would also miss her husband who she loved very much. She felt that reaching a higher level of education would give her children better chances in their own education and lives.
Her husband supported her on her adventure and they started preparations for her departure. She settled for her younger sister as her children’s caretaker. She was to live in her house with her children and her husband, when Shantel was gone.
Her sister was approached and agreed to take on the responsibility of overseeing the upbringing of her niece and nephew, while their father worked and their mother completed her studies abroad. Her sister had finished high school and because she did not qualify to go to college, she was going to a technical school.
There was always a nanny in the house, therefore Shantel’s sister simply provided oversight as a trusted aunt and lent a hand whenever necessary. Shantel, therefore, left the country knowing her children would be in good hands. Her husband also assured her of his full support in her absence.
She kept in touch with her family through phone calls and letters, as often as time allowed. All was well with her family and therefore as much as she missed them, she soldiered on with her studies and research to finish in time and return home.
She eventually graduated on schedule and prepared to return home. When she arrived home, reality presented itself to her with the most hideous possible face. Her husband had married her young sister and they had two little children in another house under the care of another nanny. Nobody had told her a thing.
Her husband had rented another house nearby where her sister, her children and nanny resided. He had bought her a car as well. Shantel did not know how to absorb the shock. She just slumped on the chair and went silent. No one had been ready to face her and reveal the truth.
Her husband did not tell her of the developments, because he did not want her to fail in her studies or go back home before graduating. Her sister had been too embarrassed to let her know about their marriage. Towards her now, the two behaved like the situation had not changed. She, therefore, just swallowed hard and moved on.
In another incident, Geraldine had her firstborn with her college sweet heart. He then left her with their baby boy in a two-bedroom apartment to pursue his four-year doctorate degree abroad. He too was not supposed to go back home until graduation. He kept in touch with her frequently during the first two years.
From the third year onwards, his communication with her and their son slowed down. She one day asked him why and his response was that he was even busier since beginning his dissertation. After the end of the fourth year, he returned home and she went to meet him at the airport.
He told her straight away that he would not go back to their home and that he preferred staying in a hotel for a while, while thinking things over and looking for a bigger house. However, he would not elaborate on what things he was thinking over and why he felt the need for a bigger house.
Before long, a foreign lady and two children arrived from abroad to be with him in the hotel, while he made arrangements for another house, where he would live with her and the children. Geraldine made no issue out of the matter, because there was nothing she could do to change the situation. She too just moved on.
Mama Lice
This name was given to an old lady named Rahab, by children in the neighbourhood where she lived. She acquired the name because of her strange behaviour towards children. She usually got a hold of them and pinched them hard, saying that she was removing lice from them.
She lived in an area inhabited by low income families, whose men worked in menial positions in various companies, the town council and national government offices. She was not employed and nobody knew how she supported herself. She was also unmarried, though she had a son named Ken, whose line of work was unknown.
The name stuck and children ran for dear life whenever she was spotted outside her house or elsewhere. She still caught them unawares as they played their games, at the shops when they ran errands for their parents and on their way to or from school. No parent seemed to raise any objections about her behaviour, because it was assumed that she liked children and was, therefore, playing with them.
Her son was in his late teens or early twenties. Nobody knew his real age, but he was not in school. He was a recluse who had no friends in the neighbourhood. He hardly spent time there and when he was around, he slept a lot. As it turns out, he and his mother kept a disturbing secret that the neighbourhood knew nothing about. The truth did come out one day, however.
Her son and his friends were involved in underworld activities at night and that was why he slept so much when he was at home. His friends lived in other parts of the city far from that neighbourhood. They met during the day to make arrangements for their racketeering.
At night they simply carried out their plans. One night, things came to ahead and he was arrested along with some of his friends. After confessing to the police, his mother’s house was searched. No one believed what was found there.
His mother had not been close to any adult in the neighbourhood or elsewhere, therefore, hardly anyone ever knocked at her door. Moreover, at any time of day, her door was under lock and key.
When the search was done of her house, the police found almost no standing room in it. It was full to the doorway. Because the neighbours were used to seeing her squeeze in and out, they concluded that she had placed a seat near the door to stop the wind from banging the door, as others had often done.
In the ceiling of the house, the police found even more contraband. The contents of their three-roomed house were enough to fit into two three-bedroom houses. They removed everything, loaded it in trucks and took it to the police depot for people who had lost items to search through.
Furthermore, in the midst of the clutter in the ceiling, the police found a hand and two arms: one cut at the wrist, another at the elbow and last one at the shoulder. They were dry and stiff. From their appearance, it was deduc
ed that they had been left there for quite some time. The neighbours were stunned at this revelation.
The pair had been living on stolen goods and money. The goods were sold in the black market at night as well. The exposé resulted in their neighbours repudiating them. Both were taken into custody because Mama Lice had been an accomplice in her son’s criminal acts.
Ties that Bind
Chandra was a beautiful, soft-spoken, agreeable young woman. She had finished high school and trained as a medical secretary for two years, before working at the career she loved dearly. She worked for nine years at a private firm before getting married.
While working, Chandra lived with her parents. They lived in a large house in an upscale area of the city. She had several brothers, both married and single, who lived in the same house. This was an extended family home, which was the norm in her ethnic community. Likewise, her sisters, upon getting married moved in with their respective husbands’ extended families.
Chandra’s father was a businessman and some of her brothers worked with him in the family-owned businesses. Living together, Chandra’s family saved a lot, both individually and collectively. Any rental expenses or mortgage, were taken care of by her father. Single adults and married couples in the household had their own rooms, whereas the children shared rooms. Her father took care of his grandchildren’s tuition, because his sons were expected to save their income for their daughters’ dowry payments at marriage and for the upbringing of their own grandchildren later.
The family also car-pooled as much as possible, which was frugal. However, they owned several cars for their convenience as a large family, given that the children had to be taken to and picked up from school. Moreover, some vehicles were strictly for business purposes.
In addition, the family shared meals together happily. Chandra’s mother did all the cooking and sometimes, her daughter and daughters-in-law helped when they were not working. The family hired help to launder clothes and do other cleaning chores.
Because of their economic lifestyle and prosperity, both individually and as a family, Chandra and her siblings had substantial savings.
Though she had had a good and loving upbringing, Chandra had no say regarding who she was to marry. According to custom, her parents had to arrange that for her. Her father therefore found her a suitor - a man whose family he knew was respected in their community, who was a business person like himself and was well to do.
She had no objection because that was the norm in her ethnic community. Falling in love and dating were not a priority. Therefore, Chandra had only seen her suitor once or twice from a distance. She did not know his personality in terms of how he talked, for instance, as they had never spoken to each other.
She knew about her suitor’s family though. He was the only son in the family, was in the same line of business as her father and his father owned several businesses, some with his relatives and in-laws.
The marriage was agreed upon and a grand, colourful wedding took place. Chandra was beautified beyond recognition in gold and other ornaments. The ceremony was long and elaborate and the food was excellent.
Many guests were invited to the wedding, including some among the business sector’s who’s who. Her father sold a vintage car from his collection to shoulder the costs entirely, which amounted to a quarter of a million dollars. He had retained the vintage car over the years, just for the aforementioned purpose.
After the wedding, the couple went on a honeymoon paid for by the groom’s parents. Upon returning, Chandra thought she would go back to her job, as she had only applied for a brief annual leave-of-absence. She was wrong. Her domain had changed, and so were the rules that governed her day-to-day life.
She was told that as far as her new family was concerned, she had to stay home with her mother in-law, learn to cook for the large family and bear children. She was shocked beyond words. She was, however, told that she would be provided with all that she needed.
She tried talking to her husband quietly about her reservations. He responded that her going back to work would create the perception that he was unable to take care of her, thus bringing shame upon his family. He even asked what she lacked materially, to make her so eager to retain her job.
Chandra acquiesced, but after having two children, she still desired to fulfil her sense of worth and dignity, by going back to a career she loved, and earning her own money. She had all that she needed and wanted materially-speaking, but the freedom to work outside her home was paramount to her. So she began to seek help from others outside her in-laws’ family circle.
That was how her husband’s banker came into the picture. Chandra knew that her husband and his banker had a good personal relationship, cultivated through business dealings. She decided to take advantage of that fact.
Therefore, Chandra made a point of accompanying her husband one day, as he went to a meeting with his banker. During conversation, she brought up the issue without slighting her husband. He listened calmly and again declined her request to seek employment, despite his banker asking him to reconsider her plea. After all, his banker, a woman, could relate intimately to Chandra’s position.
His final remark was that he took Chandra on vacation around the world once every two years for a couple of months, so that she would not get bored, or be out-of-date with what was going on in the world. As he saw it, if that was not enough, he did not know what else to do.
Furthermore, before the meeting with the banker, Chandra had talked to her family about the issue, so as to persuade her father to broach the subject with her husband’s family. Her father however told her that he would not interfere in the internal affairs of another family. He then advised her to be content, as long as she and the children were well taken care of.
She had felt motivated to talk to her father because her brothers’ wives were allowed to work part-time in her father’s businesses. Her married sisters were also involved part-time in other activities outside their homes. Moreover, her husband’s married sisters also participated part-time in their in-laws’ business affairs.
Realizing that she was not going to win, Chandra gave up and accepted her fate. Her husband was not cruel or abusive. Therefore, she learned to accommodate and tolerate him over the years, given that neither of them had experienced love before marriage, but had only developed a mutual affection after getting married.
On the other hand, two other couples in similar situations, Bipi and his bride and Chori and his bride, did not go along with their parents’ expectations of their wives. The men were also not in favour of joining their respective family’s businesses. After all, the couples had met while going to college in the Western world. They had therefore accepted alternative cultural norms of family life and gender roles.
However, rather than communicate their dissent openly, the couples never returned home after their honeymoons. They preferred a quiet exit to fighting the status quo directly. They had, therefore, made prior arrangements to live overseas where they had jobs waiting.
The plans were hatched when the couples met and talked before their weddings, without their parents’ knowledge. Upon arriving at their secret destinations as newlyweds, after their honeymoons, they called their respective parents to inform them of their life-altering decisions and underlying reasons. To say the least, their parents’ hands were tied.
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