by Rosanna Leo
Wade parked outside the building and Kate breathed a sigh of relief as she entered the group room. She understood these people, understood their challenges, and they needed her as much as she needed them.
Eager to see some smiles from some friendly faces, she looked for a free chair and sat down, feeling like the new kid entering class for the first time.
Heads turned in her direction, but not with warm welcome. Rather, her old friends regarded her with apparent distrust.
“Hey, guys,” she said quietly, smiling and waving a hand. “I know it’s been a while, but…”
They all looked to Rod now. He clenched his jaw, stood and came over. “Kate, can we speak outside, please?”
She stood and followed him out. “Okay.” She had a bad feeling about this.
Once out of earshot of the other group members, he laid it all out for her. “Look. There’s been some discussion in the group, and most of us don’t feel comfortable with you here right now.”
“What?” They couldn’t have passed judgment on her already, could they? Not without hearing her side first.
Rod turned a bit red. “Kate, are you going to make me go into detail? I was kind of hoping to spare you the embarrassment.”
“Um, too late.”
“All right, I’ll spell it out for you. Lisa told the group how you’ve been socializing with Liam Doyle. At Vice.”
“Socializing? Well, she was more diplomatic with you than she was with me.” As her heart began its sink, she crossed her arms over her chest. “Lisa has the wrong end of the stick, and so do you.”
“Well, you left me in charge of the group, and I still have to think of them and how things appear. We have some very fragile egos here.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m the leader, remember? The one who brought you all together.” Okay, now this was just pissing her off.
“I’m sorry, Kate, but I’m doing what I think is best. Maybe once you sort things out, you can come back.”
“Sort things out?” She squawked in disbelief. “Rod, the only reason I’m staying at Vice is because I was attacked. Liam saved me. He offered to help.”
“You were attacked?”
“Yes.” She put up a hand. “You know what? Never mind. I’ve devoted myself to this group and the minute my life goes to pot, I get booted? Well, then I really don’t want to be here.”
“Kate, wait…”
“No. You go back to your precious group. I’m sure they’ll be lost without their new head honcho.” Fleeing before she burst into tears, she raced outside and toward Wade’s waiting car. He opened the back door to the Escalade and she dove inside.
The security guard eyed her warily as he climbed in the driver’s seat. “Where to?”
Where to? She had nowhere else to go, no one to turn to other than the man in whose arms she’d come alive, but with whom she’d also lost part of herself. And as much as she wanted to run away from Liam and from everyone else, she was always drawn back to him, like a boomerang.
“Vice. Where else?”
She sighed, noticing how Wade tried to be stealthy in sending a text, no doubt to Liam.
Liam. As much as she craved him, craved his taste and his touch, this no longer felt right. Maybe it never did. She’d gained a lover, perhaps even someone she could fall in love with, but his acute attentions rattled her. His violent loving made her doubt her sanity. With him, although she’d experienced physical euphoria, it had left her numb and hollow.
He’d lost so much in life, and had made strides, especially by letting go of Michelle. But then he’d transferred those intense needs onto Kate. As much as she was glad she’d helped him with his abandonment issues, she was under no delusion that his demons had been vanquished. Not by a long shot.
He was two men in one. She might have fallen for the owner of those seductive grins, but she was scared of the man behind those dark appetites.
Oh God, I have fallen for him.
No. Impossible. She could never fall for anyone so grasping, so needy. In some ways, he reminded her of her father, someone who always needed more. More money, more friends, more attention. That’s what he really got out of his habit, but only for a time. She’d lived with lies and deceit all her life. If this was her new rock bottom, losing her friends, and she had to start over, she owed it to herself to start over in a healthier frame of mind.
What she had with Liam was in no way healthy.
She had to let him go, so they could both let go of the past. It was the only way. They’d been too wrapped up in each other, and it had become too easy to forget the outside world and pretend everything was okay. She couldn’t carry on this way, existing just for Liam.
And yet every time she remembered the way he caressed her, she grew weak in the knees. It was all so wrong. Hell, they’d barely had a real date. The night at Franky’s seemed so long ago. They’d gone from throwing barbs at one another to him throwing her on the nearest surface and fucking her senseless. Not exactly the basis of a stable relationship. How could she love him?
Maybe because she glimpsed something in him that no one else had ever seen. Even though he’d initially held back from her, he’d revealed his heart. She couldn’t forget that moment, as much as he’d walled it back up.
As she expected, by the time they pulled up at Vice, he was standing on the walkway, waiting for them. He was dressed for work, but his pressed shirt was open at the collar with no tie. There were dark circles under his eyes and his handsome face looked strained and pale.
Like an addict.
She slid her compact out of her purse, eyed her reflection, and saw the same qualities in her own face. She’d become a desperate woman, looking for her next fix.
She replaced the mirror in her bag and looked back at him. This wasn’t the same playfully cocky Liam Doyle she’d first met. Had that man ever existed? She wasn’t sure anymore. All she knew was, even though this Liam scared her, he also drew her like a six-foot magnet. She just didn’t know how to relate to him. She had questions he didn’t want to answer, and he wanted to explore carnal depths that made her only question him more.
He opened up the car door for her and she slid out. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“Wade tells me you had a rough time. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it isn’t.” He let out a sigh and fiddled with one of the buttons on his shirt. “Listen, do you want to go somewhere and talk?”
Talk. Now he wanted to talk. Her heart walloped her insides in a beat she didn’t recognize. It was too late for talk.
She needed to do this. It was now or never.
This would be her true rock bottom.
“Kate?”
“You know, Liam, I’d say yes if I thought we were actually going to talk to each other, but that’s not going to happen, is it? We’ll go back to your room, or some other random room, and just fuck like we always do.”
He held her gaze, as if wondering where she was going with this.
“I’m checking out of Vice. I can’t be here. Just associating with you, being here in this hotel, has lost me my friends. I was wrong to come in the first place. I got carried away, got tempted by this glitzy world you live in, tempted by you, and now I’m paying for it.” She moved past him toward the lobby door.
He reached for her hand. “You can’t do that. You can’t go.”
“I can and I will.”
“Kate, it’s not safe for you out there.”
She whipped around on him. “Jesus, Liam. It’s not safe for me here! Don’t you get it? I can’t be around you. You make me…want things I can’t have.”
He drew dangerously close. His voice was deep and soft on her ear. “You can have them. You can have anything you want. I’ll get it for you.”
“Don’t you understand? I never w
anted you to get me things. I just wanted to know you, to see where things might go. But we’ve become addicted to each other. You’ve avoided your work. I’ve avoided my life. I don’t even have a fucking job! We’ve just lived in a bubble with each other. It’s not healthy.”
He grabbed her hand and dragged her into a quiet alcove, away from the main entrance. “I don’t care if it’s healthy or not.”
“Don’t you get it? I’m your new Michelle. I’m your crutch, and you’ve become mine.”
Liam’s mouth fell open.
“I never wanted to be that for you. I want to be something better.”
He pulled her to him and lay his forehead against hers. “You are the best thing I’ve ever known.” His fingers clawed against her back, his nails dug into her clothing. He held on as if he was gripping a life preserver. “I can’t let you go.”
“You’d keep me here against my will?”
He looked at her, eyes tragic yet wild. “What do you think I am? A fucking maniac? I just want to love you,” he cried out. “Kate, I love you.”
Oh. There they were. The words that would echo in her brain and sear her as she walked away. But she had to do this, for both of them.
“You don’t love me, Liam. We don’t know each other well enough. You haven’t let me get close enough to really know you.” There, she said it, even though it made her heart break.
He drew her in and smashed his mouth against hers, thrusting his tongue between her lips and nearly destroyed her resolve.
“I know everything about you,” he said. “I’ve seen your fears and your dreams. I’ve seen your quirks. I know you cover your mouth with your hand when you chew your food. I know you always tie the left shoe before the right. I know how you play with your hair when you’re nervous. I know what makes you laugh and what makes you cry. I know how your body curls into mine when we sleep. I know how to make you whimper with need and how to make your body sing with joy. I know all the important things.” He stroked her cheek, his touch more gentle now, but no less desperate. “And the rest I can learn. You’re not my crutch, Kate. You’re my hope.”
Oh, Jesus, keep me strong. The tears broke free and he took turns wiping and kissing them away. She wanted to believe him, to believe their love wasn’t sick.
Rock bottom. Her words came back to haunt her. She hated rock fucking bottom.
Who was she kidding? Their affair was doomed from the start. She should never have set foot inside Liam’s office. She’d seen his tattered heart and had wanted to put it back together. He’d glimpsed her bruised soul and had hidden her away. She’d felt like Cinderella with him, but really she was no better than a two-bit Rapunzel, locked away in a tower.
They enabled each other. Their love was like a Vegas casino, bright and lively on the outside, but cloaked in darkness, heedless of time and responsibility. They’d reveled in each other, forgetting the outside world, rather than learning how to function in it.
They couldn’t really love each other unless they learned to stand on their own first. She needed to let him go and stop hiding. She needed to hurt him.
Hopefully it wouldn’t kill her in the process.
“We’re not good for each other, Liam. I can’t be with you.” She waved her hand, indicating the walls of his casino. “This was never the life I wanted. I lost track of my values. I can’t stay. I’ll never be able to separate you from what you do. Every meal we eat, I’ll see it as coming out of someone else’s pocket. Every dollar you spend on me, I’ll see it as draining some poor kid’s college fund.”
“Kate, don’t do this.”
“You think I want to? I can’t look at you and not see Vice. And no matter how much soul-searching I do, I won’t be able to stop it.” When he moved to brush away her fresh tears, she pushed his hand aside and wiped them herself. “It’s time for me to go home.”
His face drained. “I won’t be able… I can’t function without you.”
“I know, but I think we both need to learn how.”
He played with her pinky finger, as if holding onto whatever he could. “What about Vaughan?”
“I’ll manage. I did before.” She pulled her hand out of his. “Goodbye, Liam.”
He didn’t answer, but grew paler. She turned and sprinted for the taxi bay before she flew to him, trying to take everything back. She didn’t have any of her things, only her purse. The rest she’d ask for later. She couldn’t go into his suite to collect them now, or she’d never come out again.
The taxi driver opened the back door and she got inside, barely managing to give the man her address. The driver closed the door and she sat still, waiting for him to start the engine. She didn’t look at Liam, but expected him to run up to the car and bang on the window.
He didn’t.
As the driver pulled away, she gave into temptation and turned to look for him.
Like a dream upon waking, he’d already disappeared.
Chapter Fifteen
Kate smiled at the woman auditioning her for the chorus girl job, hoping it looked sincere. She handed her a copy of her headshot and resume, taking a moment to smooth out a wrinkled corner first.
“Do you dance?”
“I’m afraid not.”
She raised an eyebrow and then eyeballed her chest. “Comfortable with nudity?”
“Oh. Um, I was told this job involved no nudity, just singing.”
“Yeah, they told you wrong. All our girls are topless, but no hoo-hah. It’s expected.” The woman shrugged, no doubt used to seeing this reaction. “So, you willing to unleash the hounds?”
Shit. This was the fifth audition in the three days since she’d left Liam. And in all of them, the requirements had been the same: show us your tits. Sometimes she thought she lived in bloody Sodom and Gomorrah.
She remembered what Liam said about showgirl acts being demeaning to women. She certainly felt demeaned. One audition after another, and no producer was interested in her voice, just her cup size. They didn’t even care that she couldn’t dance, as long as her hooters were hanging out. Any talent beyond that was considered a bonus.
It was enough to make her seek out a nice, boring call center job somewhere, selling aluminum siding or steak knives.
Rock bottom. Rock bottom. This was just one small part of her journey. She would rise from the ashes like a phoenix.
If she could leave Liam standing there alone, ripping out her own heart in the process, she could get through a few embarrassing auditions.
“Look,” Kate said, eyeing the faded upholstery and trying to ignore the foul smell emanating from the kitchen. “You have a supper club in the middle of a vibrant city. Not every joint in Vegas needs to provide a strip tease. I have talent and drive. Maybe we could talk about trying a new act.” She smiled, willing her positive vibes all over the producer.
The older woman just shook her head and tossed the headshot back across the desk. “Sorry, sweetie. No tits, no dice. In case you hadn’t heard, sex sells.” She stood up and walked toward the audition room door. “There are plenty of girls in Vegas who are willing to take their clothes off. Some of them can even sing.”
As Kate left, she tried hard not to think of Liam’s offer to sing at Decadence. It seemed every thought led back to him. Everything she ate reminded her of the sexy breakfasts they’d shared in bed. Every breath she took recalled feeling his in her ear when they made love. Each look of indifference on another person’s face forced her to remember his, so full of passion and yearning.
She was beginning to think she hadn’t even glimpsed true rock bottom yet. Perhaps it was the difference between the ocean floor and the Marianas Trench.
What about Liam? Was he suffering without her? He’d said he loved her. As much as she wanted to believe it, did believe it, she couldn’t shake the feeling they were better off without each other.
Hiding away with Liam, she’d been on the verge of losing that independence. It had been so nice—no, so wonderful—having him cater to her. But under his roof, she’d become something less than herself. She couldn’t lose sight of that.
It was the only thing stopping her from racing back to Vice and burrowing herself into his embrace.
As soon as she walked out of the dingy club, the sun hit her square in the eye, making her squint. She put on a pair of shades and walked to the nearest bus stop.
And still she thought of him.
The hardest part of walking away had been realizing she never told him she loved him, too. And she did.
She knew it in the quiet moments, when the loneliness hung so heavily on her soul it felt like a tumor. She knew it at daybreak when his arms no longer wrapped around her, making her a willing prisoner to his voice, his touch, his very breath.
Unable to tolerate the lights of the Strip, she’d stayed away from it as much as possible. Luckily her auditions had been in out-of-the-way locations. Not that it mattered. Wherever she went, his image still haunted her. Every suit, every flash of navy blue silk, every man who bore the slightest resemblance gave her a lump in her throat. And every second bus stop she passed carried a poster advertising Vice. She couldn’t escape him. She didn’t want to.
She missed him. It was that simple. But for her sake, as well as his, she had to stay away. The need to stand on her own two feet kept her strong. The desire to see him vanquish his demons kept her on the straight and narrow.
He hadn’t called. As much as that hurt, it also gave her a measure of relief. A few syllables from his sensuous mouth and she’d weaken. Cold turkey was always best.
