A party trick! Idiot must go to some stupid-ass parties if they’re blowing up lamps. I bet no one invites him to parties. He probably has no idea what parties are.
Then it occurred to her that she never went to parties either.
Doesn’t matter. I could go to a party if I wanted to. But maybe I will go to a party, and then I’ll be able to tell him that people don’t blow up lamps at parties. What an asswipe. I should have smote him. That’d show him.
Only it wouldn’t, obviously, because he would have been too smote to be shown much of anything. But it still felt good to think about smiting. Maybe one day she’d actually have cause to do it. Although technically it was murder. Murder so thorough she was pretty sure not even a miracle would be able to bring anyone back from it.
She stomped across campus, wanting nothing more than to flop onto her bed, pop in her headphones, and listen to David Attenborough’s voice crooning on about apex predators until she fell asleep.
HE’S CHEATING ON HIS WIFE.
Of course he is. He’s a piece of shit. Is that supposed to make me feel better?
I HAD HOPED SO, YES.
Maybe it would, if everyone wasn’t cheating on everyone else.
IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT—
Then don’t say it.
LOOK WHO IS SNIPPY TODAY.
I’m sorry. College isn’t panning out to be what I thought it would.
I FORGIVE YOU.
Jessica stopped in her tracks. A small whimper squeaked out from between her lips.
Was that what I’ve been doing to everyone?
YES.
I feel so dirty now.
YOU ARE ACTUALLY THE OPPOSITE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCRUBBED CLEAN.
Ew. Please don’t say that again. How have I never experienced that before now?
YOU’VE NEVER APOLOGIZED TO ME BEFORE.
Really?
ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY MEMORY?
No. Does everyone feel that when you forgive them?
ONLY IF I SCRUB ‘EM REAL GOOD.
Ew. You have to think of a better term for that. Or let’s just drop it.
She did a double take as she walked past a table set up in the quad and the word Christ caught her eye. A clean-cut boy and a well-groomed girl, both around Jessica’s age, stood behind the table, smiling at students as they passed.
Mrs. Thomas’s email surfaced in her mind. This probably wasn’t what the woman had meant when she said to surround herself with new types of people, but maybe it would work all the same. And it wasn’t like she’d ever spent much time with traditional Christians anyway. And these two looked unbelievably congenial. Clearly more so than Professor Shithead. Though who wasn’t?
Something inside her resisted the idea of approaching the table, but she figured it was simply her own shyness. Meeting new people took courage. And sure, meeting new people rarely worked out for her, but courage wasn’t all that impressive unless it was in the face of bitter odds. Right? That seemed right. She set her mind and went for it.
But as soon as she stepped up to the table and made eye contact with the brunette girl, whose long hair fell in two loose braids over her shoulders, Jessica discovered an important lesson about being careful where one expends one’s courage.
The girl’s eyes locked onto Jessica’s face, and there was a moment of clear recognition, like an old friend had appeared from the past, before the warm smile wilted on the girl’s lips.
The young man next to her finished his conversation with another male student, shook the guy’s hand, saying he’d see him Wednesday, and then turned to jump into the interaction taking place with Jessica.
Except when he saw her, a squelching noise rose up from deep in his throat, and he swallowed hard before pitching a new smile on his face again like a real champion of the Lord.
“Well, hello there,” he said, sparing Jessica further awkward silence with Braids.
“Hi,” Jessica said, already looking for an opportunity to bail on the conversation.
“Is it, uh, are you, um, can we help you?” he finished, grinning determinedly through the stammering.
Jessica’s chest felt restricted, like it’d petrified at some point in the last thirty seconds and her lungs were just gonna have to learn to deal with it because this was life now. “I was curious what y’all were doing over here.”
“Nothing,” said the girl, her eyes wide like she’d been caught red handed.
The boy chuckled. “Nothing but spreading the word of the Lord, she means.”
There was a small give in her chest, and her lungs managed to expand the slightest bit. She could do this. She could connect with these people. On the fundamental truth of God’s existence, they saw eye-to-eye. She could make it work. “Nice! Sounds like y’all are doing good work.”
At her approval, the girl sniffed abruptly, and some movement seemed to return to her spine. “Yes. Yes, we’re trying.”
“Yeah, that’s great. This whole place is so …” Jess tried to think of the word, but couldn’t. So the boy supplied one for her.
“Godless?”
“Sure. Um. Except, you know, he pops in and out every so often.”
They thought it was a joke, clearly, so she laughed along with them.
She was actually making headway. This was a first. She was growing on people. She’d heard stories about some folks growing on other folks, but she’d never experienced the miracle herself.
“We sure don’t make it easy for Him to stick around,” the boy said. “Josh.” He held out his hand.
“Jessica.”
“Yep.”
Jessica’s rib cage gave another inch and she shook his hand. “Nice to meet you, Jessica.”
“Sadie,” the girl said, her facade starting to thaw. Jess shook with Sadie, too.
“So what are you guys doing again?”
“Sign-ups.” Sadie pushed a clipboard across the table toward Jess. “For the CSC. The Christian Student Center.”
Josh added, “You’d be surprised how many people on this campus don’t know it exists.”
Jessica looked down at the sheet. From what she could tell, multiple pages had already been filled out with students’ names, birthdays, phone numbers, emails, dorms, and denominations. Nowhere in the last column did she see White Light or Sumus Omnes Porcos or whatever the hell Jimmy’s congregation called themselves, so maybe these Christians were all right.
“So I just sign up and you call me, or …?”
When her question was met with silence, she glanced up at Josh and Sadie, who both seemed confused.
“You want to sign up?” Sadie asked.
“I mean, is that okay?”
It finally seemed to click for Josh, and he handed Jess a pen. “Of course! We’d love to have you. I mean … yeah! That would be great. Just sign up and we’ll let you know about all our fun social events for students of all denominations to come worship together.”
“Cool.” Jessica began filling out the form, paused at the birthday column, then thought, Screw it, and filled it in. The denomination column presented a problem, though. What denomination was she? No sooner had she asked herself the question than she realized how dumb all this was.
She wasn’t a Christian, as far as she knew. She didn’t worship her half-brother. That would be weird. And hell, she didn’t actually approve of him lying down and taking a beating like he had, even if it was intended for the souls of all mankind.
But on the other hand, friends might be nice.
So she copied down an answer from a Pippa McIntyre a few rows up and wrote, non-denominational. It didn’t seem like that should count, but if other people could get away with it, Jess would give it a go.
She slid the clipboard back toward Sadie and guessed the girl would pore over the answers the moment Jessica was out of sight. “Great. Thanks,” she said, her eyes staring fixedly into Jess’s eyes like all her attention wasn’t being drawn toward the clipboard.
“Got any ev
ents coming up?” Jessica asked.
“Oh yeah. We have a prayer meeting and protest next Wednesday.”
That was certainly an intriguing combination. “Oh yeah? What are you protesting?”
“An abortion clinic,” Sadie said, speaking with new conviction.
Jessica was only somewhat sure she even knew what abortion was, and was nowhere near feeling like she had any room to protest it. “Oh. Okay.”
“They’re killing babies,” Josh said gravely.
“Who’s killing babies?”
“Women. With their abortions.”
“Whoa, really?” That definitely wasn’t what she thought abortion was. “Like a human sacri—” She stopped herself when she realized that that was likely not what it was. “Why would they do that?”
Sadie and Josh glanced at each other with a shared sadness and judgment. “Because,” Sadie said, “they want to sleep around with whomever they choose and have no consequences. They don’t even want to be bothered by using contraceptives—”
“Which are a sin,” Josh added.
A twitch between Sadie’s eyebrows indicated that she and Josh might not be on the same page about that one. “Well, yes, some say that.”
Meanwhile, Jessica was struggling to follow along. “Wait, the women can’t use condoms, so they just pop out babies and then kill them?” People were pretty awful, but even still, that seemed a bit much.
Sadie opened her mouth to respond but paused and looked to Josh for backup. Now they were clearly confused, which meant the jig was up for Jessica; they were about to realize she had no idea what she was talking about.
“Hey, great talking with y’all. I don’t think I’ll be able to make the prayer protest, but good luck with it!” She turned and snaked through the growing crowd of the Quad, making a quick mental note to google “abortion.”
* * *
Dead babies and atheists. They were two things she didn’t expect to take up so much mental space in college. The walk uphill to Tower hadn’t accomplished much more than to get her sweaty and angry. There were two types of anger flooding her blood stream, pumping through her heart. The first was vague and had something to do with dead babies and protests and loneliness and contraceptives, but it remained nebulous in her mind. The second was acute and aimed squarely at Professor Stewart. Being the more defined of the two sources, she focused on that one, sharpening her arguments against him to a fine point.
She flung open the door to her room and the startled expression of Leslie stared back at her, wide-eyed, lips parted, presumably for expedience in case she needed to blow the rape whistle that hung on the wall next above her desk. But once there had been a moment for her brain to downgrade the threat level, she asked, “Everything okay?”
Jessica’s rage surged at such a stupid question, but it wasn’t Leslie’s fault Professor Stewart was a prick.
“No. I’m just so pissed off I could … I could …” Smite, obviously. But she didn’t want to go there with her roomie. Despite Leslie probably having read about Jessica’s ability to obliterate objects instantaneously, that first-hand mention of her most unfortunate talent would likely only make the girl even more spineless and adoring, and Jessica couldn’t handle that. Not right now. The clear signs of startled prey behavior Leslie exhibited every time Jess so much as swore were indicator enough that if Jessica were to mention smiting, even offhandedly, Leslie might never speak another word. Or she might find a small dark place to hide and never come out again. As tempting as that was during moments when Jessica just wished to be left alone, living with a terrified mute surely had its own disadvantages. Jessica couldn’t think of any off the top of her head, but she was sure some existed.
“What happened?”
Once Jessica was finished rehashing it—omitting the part about the exploding lamp and the Stepford Christians—Leslie’s expression wasn’t one of annoying adoration but compassion. “That sucks, Jessica.”
For some reason, she hadn’t expected that. “Yeah. Yeah, it does suck.” She allowed herself a deep breath and flopped onto her bed next to the desk chair where Leslie sat.
Leslie stared down at her from her seat at the desk. “Some people are so scared to be wrong.”
Is she talking about me?
But then she understood. Leslie meant Professor Stewart. That felt better. “You think that’s his problem?”
Leslie shrugged. “That’s most professors’ problem. They’re paid to know a bunch of stuff and some of them think they’re paid to know everything. But there are some that are cool.”
Jessica thought of Professor Bell. “Yeah, I guess so.” After a moment of silence, she added, “Hey, I had a weird realization today.”
“What’s that?”
“There aren’t any adults in this dorm.”
“Well, technically we’re all adults now.”
“Oh shit.”
Leslie flinched, but powered through. “I get what you’re saying, though.”
“It just seems weird that I’m living with a bunch of people my age, no older adults around, and this place hasn’t, I don’t know, burned to the ground.”
Leslie giggled. “Isn’t it nutso?”
Before she could answer, her phone buzzed in her back pocket and she rolled to the side to pull it out and look at it. She didn’t recognize the number, but it had an Austin area code, so she figured it might be Miranda calling from a different number.
DON’T ANSWER—
“Hello?”
The voice on the other end was immediately recognizable and definitely not Miranda’s. “I have a favor to ask, but I also have an amazing offer for—”
“God dammit, Jimmy. Lose my number already.”
She pulled the phone from her ear and was about to hang up when Jimmy’s voice, tinny through the speaker, yelled, “Wait! Wait! You won’t regret it!”
I guess it couldn’t hurt to hear him out.
IT ABSOLUTELY CAN.
But her curiosity was too strong.
“Fine. Make it quick.”
“Bless you, child. Listen, has Eugene Thornton been a problem for you lately?”
Her initial impulse was a duh, but then she couldn’t think of anything in the recent months that the terrible asswipe had actually done to make her life worse. “Um, I mean, not recently.”
“Eh?” Jimmy said, like she should understand.
“Get to the point, Jimmy.”
“The point is that you have me to thank for keeping him away from you.”
Uh-oh. Could that be true? God was right. She should have just hung up. This was a trap.
“You’re welcome,” Jimmy added. “Now I could really use a favor if you want that to continue.”
Of course. “How do I even know it’s you keeping him off my scent?”
“Oh come on, Jess-i-ca,” he said, slipping out of his Church Jimmy voice and into a more abrupt one she hadn’t heard before. “You’re a smart-ish girl. You know Eugene and I have been working together for months now. He scratches my back, I scratch his.”
“Ew. Not an image I needed. But fine. Say you are holding him off. What do you want from me? And if it involves setting foot in that Windex-sponsored church of yours, forget it.”
“Okay, so it’s really not that bad of a place—”
Jessica scoffed. “Ha! Guessed it first try. You need me to visit White Light for some reason. You know I would have to be out of my goddamn mind to go back there after the shit you pulled with that fake resurrection.”
“You sound more and more like your mother every day.”
She didn’t appreciate the humor.
IT’S TRUE, THOUGH.
Not helping.
“No. The answer is no, Jimmy.”
“But Jessica, I’m so close! I’m almost in a position to allow your message to be heard by the masses!”
“Hear this, Jimmy!” She raised her middle finger toward the phone, then realized her anger was getting the best of her an
d that gesture wouldn’t be passed along. So she recovered with, “Fuck you,” and hung up.
There was no point in looking at Leslie right away, because the girl would undoubtedly have her mouth rounded into an annoying O of fear and awe. So Jessica shut her eyes tight, trying to mentally blast away the small ball of hot pain glowing in her skull right between her eyes.
SAYING NO WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
I know.
OUTSIDE OF LISTENING TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BETTER THING TO DO.
Then how about you use your God powers to help me travel back in time and give it another shot?
I ALREADY DID. THIS WAS YOUR SECOND SHOT. YOU DID THE SAME THING.
Wait. Are you kidding?
THOU SHALT NEVER KNOW.
Jessica sighed and opened her eyes, hoping the visual distraction would help lower the volume of God’s voice in her mind.
Leslie stared at her, her mouth in an annoying O of fear and awe.
“Sorry about that,” Jessica said.
“Was that … Jimmy Dean?” She said his name with reverence, too.
Holy hell! You don’t get to revere everyone, Leslie.
“The one and only. Thank god.”
“Does he call often?”
“He goes in spurts. He gets these big schemes going and then hounds me.”
Leslie nodded like she understood. “Have you ever gone along with one of the schemes?”
“Uh yeah.”
“And they didn’t work out well?”
Jessica chuckled sardonically. “No. They worked out great. For Jimmy. Not so much for me.”
“And what did he want this time?”
Jess shook her head and tried to release some of the tension knotting in her jaw. “I dunno. Something involving going to White Light Church, which he knows I won’t do.”
“If he knew you wouldn’t do it, then why did he ask?”
Jessica felt a shiver travel up her spine, and not the fun forgiveness kind. “I don’t know. I guess he thought he had leverage with Eugene.” She spoke more to herself than to Leslie as she tried to think a few steps ahead in Jimmy’s plan. Why had he asked her if he knew she wouldn’t say yes? Maybe he wasn’t bluffing about sending Eugene after her. Maybe she shouldn’t have told him to screw off.
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