And yet, it felt like the closest to worshiping that Jessica had ever experienced.
They sat on the old carpeting floor, legs crossed or extended outward, slouching or reclining back on elbows, as each girl shared her week and checked in on goals and struggles. But mostly they discussed each girl’s failed or successful attempts with boys. Except for those who weren’t into boys; namely, Jamie and Pippa, who no one outside of the circle knew were in love with each other. Jessica had never particularly considered the perks of falling in love with another woman, and each week the idea seemed more and more desirable, so much so that she became completely convinced that if a person could choose what sex to love, she would choose women. Her failure to persuade her heart to follow suit with her brain was as strong an argument for someone being born the way they were as any.
So after two months of the women’s circle, Jess has resigned herself to loving men. Particularly Mason.
“I just can’t believe he still won’t let you touch his dick,” said Natalie. “Basically any girl could walk up to basically any single guy on the street and he would be down with her touching his dick. You think he’s gay?”
“Don’t think I haven’t considered it,” Jessica said. “But he seems to really want to mess around with me.”
“You mean he gets a boner?” Judith asked, puffing on her e-cig despite the strict no-smoking policy.
Jessica laughed. “Like, a raging one. I would almost feel sorry for him if I weren’t so annoyed.”
“So here’s a question,” Maddy said. Her frail frame and pudgy cheeks always left Jessica struggling to relate to the girl as a peer rather than a small child. It didn’t help that Maddie was also generally the most naive of the bunch. “I’m just really confused about sex, I guess. The Bible—and I know what you’ve said about waiting till the second edition—but the Bible says it’s this horrible thing that should only be shared between a man and his wife.”
“A woman and her husband,” Natalie corrected.
“Or wife,” Pippa added.
Maddy nodded, remembering. “Right. I’m just having a hard time getting over all that.”
Simone, a track star and one of the fittest human specimens Jessica had ever laid eyes on, turned to Maddy, who sat next to her. “I get it. I can’t get over it, either. So does that mean you’re a virgin?”
Maddy nodded, but Kate interrupted. “Can we think of another term for it? It’s not even accurate.”
“That’s right,” Andrea, the resident history buff, said. “It didn’t used to mean what it means today. It used to just mean unmarried.”
“See?” Kate said, motioning at Andrea. “Let’s think of a different word then.”
“Sexually frustrated?” Jess suggested morosely.
“Unfucked?” Judith proposed.
“Unfuckéd,” Pippa said, “if we really want to sound legit.”
Kate sighed. “As much as I’d like to use that, it’ll never stick. Too many people won’t say fuck.”
Tamara raised her arm. “Myself included.” Then she quickly added, “but I don’t care if y’all say it.”
“Here’s something,” Natalie cut in. “What if we just don’t have a word for it because it doesn’t matter?”
The circle was silent for a second until Simone spoke. “I mean, that makes sense to me. I didn’t really feel any different from before I had sex to after. My first time sucked, anyway.”
“Yeah,” Pippa chimed in. “My first time with a guy sucked, too. The only thing that felt changed was that I had to start lying when people asked if I was a virgin.”
“Same here,” Jamie chimed in, “except I didn’t lie. I said I wasn’t a virgin anymore because it was a good way to keep them off the scent of me being a dyke.”
Judith choked on smoke. “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard,” she managed between coughs.
Jamie chuckled. “Yeah, but it worked.”
“Why don’t we ask Jess?” Maddy suggested.
Jessica felt her cheeks heat and her pulse pound in her temples. “Ask me what? Why would I know anything?”
“Because you’re God’s daughter?” Maddy said, sounding genuinely uncertain.
This was exactly the opposite of what the women’s circle should be, Jessica thought. She didn’t want to be the leader. But she understood why they would think of her as one. Even though Kate was the obvious leader here.
“Okay. Ask me what?”
“About sex.”
Jessica cleared her throat to buy time. “I already told you. Consensual, respectful, and no non-human animals.”
“Sure,” Natalie said, “but have you ever had it?”
Even for Natalie, it seemed like a bold question, and Jessica knew her face had to be red as a beet. “Um. I kind of don’t want to say because I don’t want any of you to take it as the right way to live.”
“What if we promise we won’t?” Pippa asked. “I mean, obviously I’m not going to be straight just because you had sex with a guy.”
“Uh …” She looked around at the room at the faces staring at her, some intensely, some feigning only mild interest. They’d shared everything about their lives. If she really wanted to be one of them rather than a notch above, she had to do the same. “Fine, but it stays within the circle.”
“Duh,” Natalie said, motioning with her hand for Jessica to get on with it.
She inhaled deeply. “No, I haven’t had sex. But not for lack of trying.”
She should’ve known that wouldn’t be sufficient. And when everyone waited patiently for her to continue, she did. “Chris and I tried to have sex in high school, and it didn’t work. We tried again in college a bunch, and it didn’t work either. I’m not sure what happened, but he could never keep it up.”
“Does he have ED?” Andrea asked slowly.
“Pretty sure not. I’ve”—she hated to even think about it—“I’ve tried with someone else, and he had the same problem. But that was okay, because I didn’t actually want to have sex with him. I was …”—on drugs. No, one confession at a time, Jess. “I was glad God didn’t let it happen.”
“Wait.” Judith pinched the bridge of her nose and held up a hand. “Wait.” She looked up. “Am I getting this right? God is cock blocking you by making guys soft?”
Jessica nodded.
“That’s some serious bullshit.” She looked up toward the ceiling. “You hear me? That’s some serious bullshit.”
“He’s not listening,” Jess said. “But, yeah, I agree.”
“So are you going to have to go your whole life unfuckéd?” Pippa asked earnestly.
Jessica sighed. “I don’t know. He said something about marriage. Maybe I have to get married first.”
Maddy looked concerned. “So He does care about sex outside marriage?”
“No,” Jess said quickly. “Only if it’s me.”
Johanna, a gorgeous Hispanic girl who had left Jessica battling jealousy for the first month of the women’s circle, leaned forward and placed a hand on Jessica’s ankle. “I’m sorry. That’s really hard. I’m sorry you don’t have a choice in the matter.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m sorry, too,” said Simone, and shortly after, each girl was sending her condolences, even those who had never had sex themselves. Jessica felt overwhelmed in an entirely foreign way, and she was glad when Kate looked at her watch and said, “Okay, it’s eight o’clock. We gotta wrap it up.” When the attention turned to Kate, Jessica blinked quickly to tell the water forming in her eyes to move along, nothing to see here.
“One last thing, though, before we head out,” Kate added. “So Jess.”
“Yes?”
“I had this idea a few weeks ago, and I’ve talked it over with the rest of the circle—and sorry for going behind your back, but hopefully you’ll understand.”
“O-kay …” This didn’t sound good.
“This circle has been so helpful for all of us, I thought we should make it official, somehow.
That way, the campus knows about it. And more people will actually see what we’re doing here and want to join, or at least start thinking about some of these important things for themselves.”
So far, so good, but Jess knew there had to be more. “Okay?”
“But most of all, we think people need to see a group of people rallying around you. You’ve had a rough freshman year, and there are too many people who don’t take you seriously or think you’re an outcast. And it’s bullshit. We want people to know you’re the real deal, and that women have chosen to be around you because you matter.”
Jessica wanted to disappear but also hug Kate. It was a strange feeling. Maybe hug Kate then disappear? Yeah, that sounded nice.
“So,” Kate continued, starting to look genuinely excited, “we want to start a sorority. A Christian sorority. Except not about Jesus.”
“Oh hell,” Jess said. “You can’t be serious.”
“Of course we are!” Kate wouldn’t be deterred. “Right, Natalie? Right, Judith? Right, Pippa and Andrea and Jamie and Jane and Johanna and Maddy and Patty and Simone and Tamara and Jade?”
It was unanimous. Jess tried to smile, but her mouth rebelled against the idea, and she grimaced while trying to smile with her eyes. “Okay,” she said. “Does it even matter what I say about it?”
“Of course it does,” Kate insisted. But Jessica didn’t think so.
“Okay. I’ll go along, then. But let’s just not get too carried away right off the bat, okay? I’ve kind of enjoyed lying low for a while.”
“Deal!” Kate said, jumping up onto her feet, which cued the rest of the girls to stand as well.
So it was settled. Jessica would be a sorority girl.
* * *
Mason’s apartment was within walking distance of campus, which seemed appropriate, since it was hardly more than a dorm room anyway. The walls were decorated with an odd clash of posters. There was the Doors, Johnny Cash, Pink Floyd, but there was also some bands Jessica had never heard of whose posters had crosses on them that didn’t seem to be used in any ironic sense.
But the one that stuck out to her now was Elton John.
“Are you gay?” she asked from where she lay on her side, facing him. He’d been tracing patterns on her hip for a minute now, but no kissing had transpired from it.
“What?” he asked, laughing defensively.
“It’s fine if you are. I just want to know.”
“I’m not. Can’t you tell?” He moved in closer to her, pressing his tell-tale boner into her.
She shut her eyes to gather patience. “Sure. But you could be thinking about a dude for all I know.”
“I’m not gay,” he said.
“Prove it.”
For a moment it looked like her goading might work. Then he pulled away slightly. “You know I can’t.”
“I don’t know that. I—” Her phone rang in her back pocket. She pulled it out and saw it was an unknown number. “Hello?”
“Jessica don’t hang up it’s Jimmy and I just—”
She hung up and shoved it back into her pocket. “Sales call. Sorry.”
“If I gave an inch, would you try to take a mile?” Mason asked.
“I don’t know what—“
He silenced her with the kiss she’d been craving for months now, rolling on top of her and pressing her to the bed. She felt a modicum of guilt when she lamented his bulge being noticeably smaller than Chris’s. But everyone’s seemed to be smaller than Chris’s. And it didn’t matter anyway.
Her phone rang again and she ignored it. But suddenly Mason rolled off of her. “I can’t. The vibrations. I can feel them. You gotta answer it or turn it off.”
“Shit.” She pulled the phone from her back pocket and turned it to silent, but it was too late. Mason rolled off the bed and stood next to it. Putting distance between them.
God, she hated Jimmy.
“What do you think about sororities?” she asked, knowing the moment of passion had passed.
Mason shrugged. “They’re fine, I guess. You thinking of pledging?”
“Oh god, is that the term?”
He nodded.
“No, I’m not pledging. I think I’m helping to start one. Or at least Kate is founding one that, um… This sounds so conceited.” Mason sat on the edge of the bed and put a hand on Jessica’s knee. “She wants to start a sorority that worships me?”
His hand slid up her thigh. “That sounds perfect,” he said. “You deserve to be worshipped, Jessica.”
“Ew.”
“No, I’m serious.” His eyes focused on his hand as he ran it up and down her leg, creeping higher toward her hip each time. “You were made for it. I mean, this body.” His hand crested her hip and ran up to her waist.
Then he jumped up. “Oh! I wrote another song about you. Want me to play it?”
“Sure,” she said.
And as Mason grabbed his guitar and began strumming out the first chords to what he called “Psalm 41,” she tried to decide if she liked being worshipped after all.
“Dear child! It’s of critical importance that you—”
Jessica hung up on Jimmy again. She wouldn’t have pegged him as a tech-savvy type, but clearly he’d discovered a way to call from a new unknown number each time. She really needed to stop answering unknown numbers, but her curiosity got to her every time.
The Clear Springs Saloon looked deserted as she made her way across parking lot toward it. She’d strolled past the bar plenty on her walks around town, but she’d never been inside for the obvious reason of: why would she? She wasn’t legally allowed to drink yet. But alcohol wasn’t why she was there now, even though a drink would’ve been a useful salve for her nerves.
Her worlds were about to collide. Tonight would either be wonderful or the extreme opposite of it, but she couldn’t even let her mind form that word. She had to hope for the best.
Mason White was scribbled on a chalkboard next to the front door as a bouncer checked her ID, drew a large X on each of her hands with a permanent marker, and then stepped to the side to allow her in. Despite the sun still glowing just above the horizon, the inside of the windowless bar was already dark, lit only by a few neon signs and wall sconces that seemed meant for displaying the musical paraphernalia rather than keeping anyone from bumping into things.
When she spotted Mason, he was over by the stage, engrossed in conversation with two girls Jessica knew from the CSC but who were not part of her elite women’s circle, mainly because they sucked as human beings. The girls stared at Mason the way all girls stared at him, and he didn’t seem to be actively countering their blatant interest.
I should feel jealous.
It wasn’t her first impulse, but as she began to wonder if these were girls he’d slept with in the past, that jealousy started to bloom, and she fanned the flames as much as she could. It only seemed right.
She snuck around to approach him from behind, wrapping her arms around his waist and staring daggers at the other girls as she claimed her property.
When he turned toward her, he seemed to completely forget about everyone else in the room. “Jessica,” he breathed. “Gosh, your arms feel good around me.”
She leaned forward and kissed him on the neck, because she knew it drove him wild, and she felt like torturing him a little for his transgression with the other girls.
“Your friends coming?” he asked through gritted teeth as he stepped away.
“They said they were. I thought they’d be here by now.”
“There could be traffic,” he said reassuringly. Her concern must have slipped through. “There always is.”
She nodded.
“Kate and Judith are already here, though.” He nodded over at the bar. “I gotta finish sound check, then I’ll join you.”
She headed over to meet her friends.
“Hey, don’t take this the wrong way,” Judith said immediately after their greetings. “But Christian rock or whatever isn’t real
ly my thing. And there’s this TA from my Shakespeare class who’s just funny enough to make up for his atrocious side burns and clearly wants to see me tonight, so …”
“I get it,” Jessica said. “Also, I really think you need to meet one of my former teachers.”
Judith took it in stride. “You know I love an intelligent man.” She finished the rest of her Coke and frowned down at the large Xs on her hands. “I’d better take care of these before I meet up with him. He thinks I’m a senior.”
“Godspeed,” Jessica said, and Judith was off.
Jess watched her friend go, genuinely wishing the girl well tonight, and as Judith walked out of the bar, two familiar faces walked in.
Miranda and Quentin. She felt warm comfort at the sight.
And then another familiar face walked in just behind them.
Chris.
What the hell? Why was he here?
Oh right. He was friends with Miranda and Quentin.
So this would be an even more interesting night than she’d expected.
She walked over to the three of them, making up her mind along the way that she would pretend nothing was wrong between her and Chris.
“Jess!” Miranda hugged her, putting her mouth right up against Jessica’s ear. “You have so much to fill me in on,” she whispered.
When she pulled back, Quentin took a hesitant step forward and leaned in for a hug. He, too, placed his lips up against Jessica’s ear and whispered, “We’re not mentioning the dream, right?” before pulling back. Jessica smiled and nodded subtly.
When no one said anything right away, Quentin jumped in with his usual humor. “I didn’t expect it to be this awkward, seeing my fake ex when I’m with my new girl.”
Jessica let herself laugh along with Miranda and Quentin, but when her eyes caught Chris’s and saw that he was forcing a smile, and not in a particularly convincing way, she decided Quentin’s joke might be just a little too on the nose for some.
“Where’s Kate?” Miranda asked, looking over Jess’s shoulder. “I want to meet her!”
Kate was busy talking to the bartender, who Jess considered way too hot in a scrawny hipster sort of way to be talking so intently with a clearly underage girl.
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