Eventually, the doctor comes in and questions how I’m feeling. Then he informs me that I have to speak to a therapist before I can leave.
“But if everything goes okay,” he says as he distractedly reads through the papers on the clipboard, “you should be able to go home tomorrow morning.”
I nod. Home. What home? Jail? Because, if I can’t come up with some sort of proof that I didn’t hurt Zoe, that’s where my permanent residency is going to be.
After the doctor leaves, Nurse Mia pops back in.
“You think you’re up for visitors now?” she asks, refilling my water.
No. But I nod, anyway.
“Good. I’ll send your brother in.” She checks the monitor and my IV bag then makes a few notes on my chart. “Everything looks good.” She walks out, leaving me alone again.
For the next five minutes, I mentally prepare myself for what I’m going to say to Loki, but when he enters the room, my preparation flies out the window as my mind blanks.
Less than a year has passed since the last time I saw him, but he looks different, older. His button-down shirt and jeans are wrinkled, his face is unshaven, and his brown hair is sticking up all over the place—I’m sure from raking his fingers through the strands.
Our dad used to do the same thing whenever he was stressed. About a year before he died, his hair was starting to thin. I wonder if Loki will be the same way. I wonder what Dad would have said to me if he were here. I wonder if I would have confessed to him what I think I might have done.
“You look tired,” I say, noting the dark circles under his bloodshot eyes.
Loki lingers in the doorway, worriedly eyeing me over. “So do you.”
We stare at each other for a beat, the silence building, a brick wall forming around us.
Finally, he strides up to my bed and clasps my hand. “Why didn’t you tell me how hard it was getting for you? I could’ve done something. I should’ve done something.”
“It’s not that simple.” I stare at the clock on the wall, watching the second hand tick. “And I didn’t want to worry anyone.”
He lets go of my hand and sinks into a chair beside my bed. “Mom and Dad left me in charge. It’s my job to worry about you guys. You need to realize that.”
I keep my attention on the wall clock as tears threaten to pour out. Only a minute has gone by. Only one single minute, yet it feels like an eternity of time is moving past me while I remain motionless.
“No, it’s your job to worry about Nikoli, Alexis, Zhara, and Annabella. I’m twenty years old and should be able to take care of myself. I’m not your responsibility or anyone else’s.” I dance around the truth, the real reason I swallowed down those pills.
But deep down, I know it’s eventually going to catch up with me, either from the message on the mirror, my own guilt, or Cole and Nolan telling the police.
“You really believe you should just deal with this on your own?” Loki asks, hurt.
I nod. “My problems don’t need to be your problems.”
“If Mom and Dad were here, you’d talk to them,” he utters quietly, seeming to read my mind. “You should be able to talk to me.”
“Loki, you’re only two years older than me … Mom and Dad never expected you to take care of me.” I fight back the tears as I stare at that damn clock. “If anything, they probably expected me to move home and help you raise the kids.” I should’ve. I really should’ve. Then I wouldn’t be in this mess.
He swiftly shakes his head. “They didn’t expect you to move back after the accident. In the will, Mom and Dad said they wanted me—”
“I know what the will said.” My eyelashes flutter as I blink back tears. “But I know Mom and Dad. If they were in my shoes right now, they would’ve moved back home to help you.”
He shakes his head determinedly. “They wanted you to finish school. They talked about it all the time. They were so proud of you and everything you accomplished.”
“They wouldn’t be if they knew everything.” I break down, sobbing. “I fucked up so badly, Loki. You don’t even know.”
He places his hand over mine, and even though I don’t deserve it, I grip it tightly.
“Then tell me.” He squeezes my hand. “Help me understand.”
I choke back the tears. “I don’t think I can … It’s too terrible.”
“Jessa, this is me. I won’t judge you. I’ve done some messed up shit in my past. You know that.”
“Yeah, but it’s different now … You’re different.”
“I might be different, but I still won’t judge you.” He frowns. “You think I would?”
If he knew the truth, he wouldn’t say that.
No, there’s no way I can tell him what I might have done to Zoe. But I have to tell him something. So, I tell him about getting kicked out of school, losing my job, and how I am just so tired of everything.
“I wish you would’ve told me you were going through this,” he says after I finish.
“I didn’t want to worry you.” I wipe the tears from my eyes and sniffle. “I should be able to take care of myself.”
“Everyone needs help once in a while. Even I do.” His frown deepens, but he hastily shakes the look away. “I want you to come home with me.” He puts on a no-nonsense expression. “I think it might be good for you.”
“I’m not going to go home so you can keep an eye on me.” I want to, but I can’t put my problems on him. “I won’t do that to you.” I reach for the cup of water on the bedside table.
He tugs his fingers through his hair, his gaze skimming the hospital room. “I can’t let you end up here again. And I know you don’t want to hear this, but I think you might need some help. Maybe even therapy.”
“I’m not crazy,” I whisper. Am I? Taking a life, even to save your own … That’s crazy, right?
How can you know for sure you did it? All you have to go by is what Nolan and Cole messaged you and the clips of broken images you remember from that night.
But you had blood on your hands and clothes in that photo. If you’re innocent, how did it get there?
I release a shaky breath. “I just … didn’t know how to handle everything. It was all so … overwhelming.”
“I know you’re not crazy. I also know this can’t just be tossed aside.” His voice drops to a solemn tone. “If Mom and Dad were here right now, you know they’d ask you to come home, too, even if it was just until you got back on your feet.”
I focus on taking a long sip of water, giving myself time to put together a response.
Going home means risking the possibility of my other brother and sisters finding out that I almost gave up and put them through hell again. Plus, they could find out my secret.
They’ll hate me. And for a good reason.
I stare at the cup in my hands. “Who’s watching Alexis, Nik, and Zhara? Is Anna?”
“No, Easton is.” He reclines in the chair. “You remember him, right?”
“Of course I do. He’s your friend you used to get high with in the garage.”
“He’s not like that anymore. Just like I’m not … I almost left Anna in charge. She’s doing better and everything, but I didn’t think it was a good idea when I was flying out of the country and won’t be close by in case something happens.” He props his foot on his knee. “I did leave her in charge of the store, though.”
“Do any of them know about this? That I tried to …” I falter, unable to say the words out loud.
He shakes his head. “And I won’t tell them if you don’t want me to.” He leans forward, placing a hand over mine. “Come home with me. Let us help you.”
I close my eyes as I suck in a sharp inhale, recollecting the helpless feeling before I took the pills and then afterward. I don’t ever want to feel that way again, yet I’m unsure how to make that happen. I need to find a way to figure stuff out, to move past that terrible night that started my tumble into a seemingly bottomless abyss. Maybe going home with hi
m is the best thing right now. It would get me away from Cole and Nolan until I can figure out exactly what happened that night. Besides, I don’t really have a choice. I won’t have a place to live soon since I lost my job, and now that I’m not in school, there’s no reason to stay in London.
Shame and disappointment threaten to strangle me, but I bottle it down the best I can or else I’ll burst into tears again.
“All right, I’ll go home with you,” I whisper hoarsely, feeling as though I’m doing something awful.
God, what am I doing? I’m bringing them into this mess.
Yes, you are. But this is who you are, isn’t it?
The voice in my head isn’t my own, and I tense at the loudness of it.
The tension visibly loosens in Loki’s shoulders. “Good. I’m glad you made this easy. I spent the entire plane ride planning a speech if you said no.”
“What was the speech about?”
“I’d honestly rather not tell you. You know I suck at giving speeches. I’m just glad you’re coming home.” He chokes up. “When Milo called and told me what was going on, I thought—”
“Milo?” I sit up, ignoring the dizziness sloshing through my head. “Why did Milo call you?”
“Because you called him right after you took the pills.” His brows knit. “Don’t you remember?”
“I didn’t know who I called. I just pushed one of my contact numbers.”
I press my hand to my throbbing forehead. Shit. Shit. Shit. Why, out of all people, did I dial Milo’s number?
Besides from the funeral, I haven’t spoken to him since I stomped all over his heart. The pain in his eyes when we parted ways that night still haunts me to this day. And then I called him and forced him into this shitty mess that’s my life?
I’m the worst person ever.
“Milo’s a good guy.” Loki misreads my worry. “I’m sure he won’t tell anyone.”
“I know he won’t.” After all, he never told anyone about my little storm ability. “Did you call and tell him I’m all right?”
“Yeah, I did.” He pauses. “You should probably talk to him when you feel up to it. He’s really worried about you.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Just thinking about being close to Milo has my stomach winding into nervous knots. He knows me so well, so well he might be able to see that something awful is haunting me.
“Just think about it.” Loki pushes to his feet. “I’m going to find the doctor and see how much longer you have to stay here. Then I can book us a flight back. If you want, I can go to your loft and start packing up your stuff. Or I can stay here if you need me to.”
“There’s not that much to pack,” I say, mostly because I don’t want him going to that place. Not with my confession still scribbled on the mirror in red lipstick. “I don’t think I have the key on me.”
“I’ll stay here, then,” he says, rubbing his weary eyes. “Just let me go talk to the doctor for a moment.”
“Thanks,” I mutter as he walks out of the room.
Once he’s gone, tears begin to fill my eyes again. I’m not sure I made the right choice by agreeing to go back home with him. Not to mention I have no clue if anyone found my message, if Cole and Nolan are still threatening me, and if perhaps Zoe turned up.
The latter is probably wishful thinking, but I want the wish to come true more than anything.
“Man, you look terrible.”
The sound of the slightly familiar voice startles me from my thoughts. My head snaps up, my gaze darting to a guy dressed head to toe in black, standing in the doorway.
“Zane?”
Shit. While I’m not positive, there’s a good chance he might be working for the police, which means he could be here to arrest me.
“Aw, you remember my name. I’m touched.” A smile curls at his lips as he ambles across the room and stops at the side of my bed. “Did you know they’ve got you on lockdown? It was a pain in the ass to get in here.” He winks at me, but concern fills his eyes. “It’s a good thing I have connections.”
“What sort of connections?” I ask nervously. “With the police? Or are you a police officer?”
His brow quirks. “Do I look like a police officer?”
“No, but maybe you’re working undercover.”
Amusement dances in his eyes. “I’m always working undercover, but not for the police.”
My brows pull together. “That makes no sense.”
“It would if I was talking to Madelynn and not Jessa,” he mumbles.
The hair on my arms stands on end. “What the hell does that mean?”
He dismisses me with a wave, glancing at the heart monitor, the frantic beeps announcing my nerves. “You’re nervous.”
“No,” I lie. “I’m just doped up on medication.”
“That would make you calm, not amped up.” He turns toward me and crosses his arms. “You didn’t do it.”
I blink. “Do what?”
He unfolds his arms, leans forward, and rests his hands on the side of my bed. “Kill Zoe.”
I swallow hard, my heart beating wildly, something the monitor makes painfully obvious. “Who said I did?”
“The message on your mirror.” His voice lowers, his breath tickling my cheek. “Don’t worry; I erased it before anyone saw.”
“W-why?”
“Let’s just say I wanted to do you a favor.”
None of this is making sense. Nothing has for weeks now.
“Why were you even at my loft?” I whisper, my heart thundering in my chest
“I’ve been keeping an eye on you,” he says simply, as if he didn’t just admit he’s been stalking me.
“In a stalker sort of way or because you’re working undercover?” I’m uncertain which answer scares me the most.
“Maybe a little bit of both.” He dips his head toward my ear, his breath dusting across my skin. “You need to return to Honeyton. Don’t respond to Cole and Nolan’s messages, and tell no one of that night. I’ll be in touch soon.” He backs away toward the door. “See you later, Madelynn.”
The way he says my middle name pulls at my mind, as if a forgotten memory is desperately trying to resurface but can’t quite get there.
“Wait, who the hell are you?” I call out. “And what do you know about …?” I trail off as he disappears out the door, leaving my head crammed with a bunch of questions and a little bit of hope.
Hope that perhaps he was telling the truth.
That I didn’t kill Zoe.
Chapter Seven
I rest my head against the window of the plane and close my eyes, trying to take a powernap before we land. The second my eyelids close, my thoughts uncontrollably drift back to a memory I hate. Even after what Zane told me, that I didn’t kill Zoe, I can’t get the images out of my head.
“Come on; it’s just a little lightning storm,” Cole says as we walk toward his house with Zoe and Nolan. Or more like Zoe and I stumble along with the two of them.
I feel dizzy. Sure, I drank a shot or two, but why do I feel so dizzy and foggy-headed?
“I promise it’ll be worth the walk.”
I stare up at the rain showering from the stormy clouds, raindrops soaking through my dress and hair. “I hate when it’s lightning.” My words are slurred.
“It’s just a little storm. Stop being overdramatic.” He moves up behind me and puts his hands on my hips. “Besides, I promise it’ll be worth it. We’re going to have so much fun. In fact, we’re going to play a little game.”
“A game …?” I slur as I stumble up the paved sidewalk. “What kind of game?”
“Oh, I promise you’re going to have a blast.” He winks at me, his lips curling up into a smile as he grabs me by the arm. His fingers are cold against my skin, and I shiver, feeling dizzy. So dizzy … “Don’t worry,” he whispers in my ear. “Tomorrow’s going to be a new day, and you’re going to be an entirely new person, Madelynn.”
“How do you know… that name?”
> He grips me tighter, rougher. I try to pull away, but I clumsily stagger in my heels.
Something’s not right.
I hear Zoe laugh. Why is she laughing when I’m scared out of my damn mind?
I snap my eyes open as the pilot’s voice comes over the intercom, announcing we are starting our descent. I shove the memory away and bury it way, way down where I hopefully will never have to see it again. But another memory creeps into my mind, of Zane visiting me in the hospital.
I haven’t heard from him since that day. When I returned home to get my stuff, the mirror had been wiped clean. I also haven’t received any messages from the unknown. It’s as if all the storms I suffered through finally managed to wash away that awful night and the days that followed. But I have a feeling this peaceful world I’ve been living in for the last couple days is the calm before another storm.
I can’t worry about that right now. I only have about an hour of preparation time before we are home; an hour until I see my other brother and my sisters. I should be excited, but after the last week, I feel overwhelmed.
“You doing okay?” Loki asks from the seat beside mine.
“Yeah.” I give a pressing glance at his fingernails digging into the armrests. “Are you?”
I feel sorry for him. He has always hated flying, and we have been on this plane for almost eight hours.
He bobs his head up and down. “Of course.”
I pull my hair back in a ponytail and secure it with an elastic. “You should’ve said yes to the flight attendant’s offer on the mini bottles.”
He shakes his head. “Nah, I’m all right. I need to be sober right now.”
I feel a sting of guilt, knowing the underlying reason for his sudden sobriety. It’s the same reason he hasn’t let me out of his sight since I was released from the hospital. He’s worried I might try to attempt suicide again, something I overheard him discussing with the hospital therapist when they stepped out into the hallway to speak privately. I heard enough to get the gist of their conversation.
“If possible, someone should probably stay with her for a little while to keep an eye on her,” the therapist suggests to Loki as he hands him a card. “She should definitely consider therapy. The problems she’s dealing with aren’t just going to go away.”
Reclaiming Madelynn (Reclaiming Book 1) Page 5
