I shrugged my forehead. «How is it possible? How can…».
It was strange to see Luce uncomfortable: she was constantly looking at the door. She even transmitted her agitation to me. «Not now, please. If she finds you here, there would be only trouble».
«Mom is not okay», I whispered. «She is not herself anymore, she’s becoming…».
«It is my fault! I know it is my fault!».
She was convinced and looked desperate. But I was not agree: whatever Luce sickness was, Mom was wrong, she would not solve anything by locking her in the house and filling her with rosaries. At that point I would not be impressed to find garlic clasps hanging at every door. «What illness do you have?».
«I don’t know! I have no idea!». Then she approached the door stealthily. «We can not talk now!».
«And when, then?».
Not even her was able to give me an answer. I insisted «I want to know».
And her: «I try to send her away, to be alone. I tell her I feel bad. To go call a doctor».
Although we were a wealthy family, there was no phone in our home; Dad had always refused to install it.
«It wont work anyway. Mom will never let you see a doctor». I was certain, as I thought I understood my mother’s main concern was to hide it, Luce’s illness.
«A priest, then! I will tell her I want a priest! She will believe me!».
I studied her for a long time, to be sure she was telling the truth. «What are you hiding Luce? What have you always hid from me?».
She pushed me to the door, even touching me, but not on the naked skin. I felt the frost come through my bones. «Tomorrow, when Aunt Tonina is here. I’ll tell Mom that I need a priest, that I want to confess. You will see that I can convince her!».
I could not argue, because she had already opened the door and was pushing me out. After all, I was lucky, because my mother came back only a few seconds later, leaving me with barely enough time to reach my room.
That evening I met Vito again, at the piazza. They were so many, but none of them did anything special. Everyone talked and that was it. Vito was the most reserved and it was not easy to approach him. «We have to talk», I said.
He nodded. «Yes, we have to talk». Then he added: «I was not sure you’d be back, after yesterday».
I did not know the value of his words, if he was referring to what he had said about my sister or to the insensitivity that he had treated me with. At that moment, I did not even care much.
Some of us walked away, in pairs, as the group became increasingly small, now ready to dissolve. The latter discussed what to do and where to go. No one noticed that we were separating.
While we were walking, next to each other, he said: «I’m sorry for how I behaved».
Nothing could have ever made me so happy; he had thought of me, of how I had felt, not about Luce. For once she had not had the preference.
But then he asked me: «What is your sister for you?».
Strange question. A stranger. I should have answered. But maybe the stranger was me. I was the one who was not accepted. «They say I am mean, do you think that too?».
He was shocked. «Mean? No, absolutely. I had never heard about that, where did you get that from?».
Yet it was like that. They had always considered me that way, scornful and disrespectful, they had always protected Luce from me. They were certain I would hurt her.
I changed my argument. «Tell me what happened».
«You already know, I told you. We…».
«No, you did not tell me anything. Nothing precise, at least».
«It is not easy to talk about certain things».
I looked straight to his eyes. «Why do you think of me as a little girl?».
He blushed. «I do not like to talk about it enough».
«Strange, you’re always bragging about your achievements».
«I’m not like that!».
«You are saying that, if nothing strange had happened, would you not be bragging with your friends my sister loving skills?».
He blushed completely. «Why would you think something like that?».
«You made love, period. That, I have understood. Who had the idea, you or her?».
«What?».
«If she has something to hide, she was risking to be discovered, so why did she do it? Luce is not stupid; she has never behaved like that until now».
He tried to look away, so that I could not see how his cheeks were flushed. «I think… I think I forced her».
«You raped her?», I screamed, horrified.
«No, what’s jumping into your mind! I just told her that I could not wait any longer; it made me crazy and loved her too much to resist. I convinced her, that’s all».
And she did not want to lose him, why? Did she really love him so much? «Did you not notice anything while you were making love? Is not that a little strange?».
For him it was difficult to talk to me. «He was too busy».
«After that it was different, wasn’t? You slept under the moon, you kept her hugged, maybe you put your head on her chest, and then bang! And Luce? Why did she let you do it? Why didn’t she realize the danger?».
«Maybe she was busy it too. She did not think about it».
Busy doing what? I think it is preferable not to deepen. «What did she tell you? You will not accuse her of being dead I hope! To be a vampire!».
I laughed at his face. «What else could it be?».
«Oh God, how are you so stupid! Did you just say that? Did you treat her like that? But there are some things that don’t exist, they’re just movies, stupid movies that do not even scare you!».
«What is it then?».
«You could have asked, don’t you think?».
«You say it’s a disease? What disease? I’ve never heard of anything like that».
«Of course, it’s a disease!». I managed to hold back before adding what else could be, because that was not the case. Still, I felt uncomfortable: what did my sister have, what kind of sickness was it? «What happened next? Did you run away screaming, like in movies? Did you do that?».
Again she turned around the question. «What do I have to do, Pina? I do not feel like meeting her, I could not pretend anything. I cannot do it anymore; I no longer feel something for her. It’s as if she was really dead».
If I had been a good sister I should have told him that he was wrong, Luce cared about him and had to strive to find a meeting point, to ask for explanations. But I was not; I was the bad one, no? So I said, «I will talk to her. Tomorrow I will tell you what happened».
At this point there was nothing to tell between us, he was up to him to decide whether I was worth the extra time with me.
He tried to smile, but he did not succeed much. «Let’s get some ice cream?», he suggested.
4
The day after I was ready for action. I really felt like a great spy. As soon as I noticed mom restlessness, I pretended to have an appointment and left. I was sure she would never have left Luce alone if I had been present. I hoped that at least she trusted her sister.
I stood outside, waiting to see her leave. Mom came out of the back door; all dressed in black and covered with a veil, and immediately dived into an alley, walking quickly. I knew I did not have much time available, so I came back in a hurry. «Stay calm», Aunt Tonina told me. «I will send you a warning signal if I see her coming». She was also giggling, feeling like a secret agent, but perhaps she acted so to exorcise the tension that had emerged in that house.
Luce was waiting for me. She had opened the shutters just a slit, and it seemed to drink from the light that flooded it. «I can not go on like this», she said.
I came closed to her and put my hand on her chest. This time she didn’t step back. Her skin was still cold, very cold.
«It doesn’t beat. Is useless to try».
Indeed, I did not perceive any beats. «How long have you been like that?».
«Always, I
imagine. It has never beaten».
«And you don’t breath either?».
She shook her head.
«It is not possible. How did I not notice it?».
But I had never had a single moment of intimacy with her, as far as I remembered. We had never played together; even our seats in the table were far from each other. Nevertheless, it seemed to me impossible that I never noticed such a remarkable detail. Perhaps the reason was exactly that, it was something so unacceptable that it was not even taken into account.
«I am not normal. I can’t ever be, and I realized that now. I will never be able to have a life like the rest».
«Do you want it?».
«I want anything! Anything! I have nothing, absolutely nothing!».
And to think I had been jealous of her all my life! The care she was filled with, private teachers, continued protection. I did not realize it was just a prison. «For how long have you known it?».
«That I am like this? She laughed, bitterly. «I have always known, I think. Mom has done nothing but repeat it, that I was special and that I could not be like others. I could not play with other children; I could not go to school. That I…». She stopped, but just for a minute. «That I could not talk to you, because you were only a little girl and you could not understand. And then that I risked myself talking about it».
She moved away from the window almost painfully. «And the guys! Mom said it was not possible, that I could never have one. But I noticed how they looked at me; I felt their looks on me. I knew they wanted me, all of them».
«Didn’t you feel the need?».
It was a useless question and I knew it perfectly. Luce needed to feel alive and that was the easiest method, and also the most logical one. «Did you love him, at least? Did you really love him or did you just play with him?».
Luce grimaced. «Stop it Pina! He’s not a Saint! I did everything to please him. You have no idea of what he has said to me!».
Maybe she was right too, I was just idealizing Vito. After all he was a simple guy, there were some things he could not understand.
«What are you? Why are you like this?».
Another laugh, but devoid of life. «Do you also think I am a vampire? A Zombi?».
«Leave it, Luce!».
«I don’t know what I am. I have never known! Mom has never wanted to tell me! She says I am a gift from heaven, a miracle. That it was the Virgin!».
These last words awoke something from my memory, but it was still very vague. «Do you accept this? Do you accept all of these?».
She looked at me, stupefied. «Accept what?».
«To not know! To be a prisoner! To live this life!».
Stupor increased «What else can I do?».
Damn! How much she had changed in my eyes. For me she had always been lonely and distant, a supreme being. Not that she was more human now, no, I was still convinced that many of his reactions were fabricated, yet I was sure that she suffered too, perhaps more than anybody else. «Have you confronted her? Did you tell her you want to know the truth? « There was no need to wait for any response. «Tell her you want to leave! That you will leave if she doesn’t tell you everything!».
A wave of fear went through all of her. «Go away, me? And where could I go?».
«You tell her that, it doesn’t matter where».
She started shaking her head, frantic. I still had so many things to ask, but I knew I did not have time. There would be no other occasion; Luce would never find the courage to oppose her. «What do you think you are?», I asked.
«I told you…».
«You don’t know, I understand that. But what do you think? You have had years to think about it, have you ever wondered? Why don’t you breathe? Why does your heart doesn’t beat? Why are you alive at the same time?».
A shadow took her face. «We always pray, for own sins, continuously. Mom does nothing else. If I am a miracle, if I was a blessing from Our lady, then why do we have to pray now?».
Her logic was impeccable and gave the whole story sense. Suddenly the reflectors moved and for once Luce was no longer in the spotlight. «What did mom do?».
She kept shaking her head. «I do not know! I do not know!».
I took her hand, although it was frozen. «Don’t worry, we’ll find out».
I managed to leave the house barely a minute before my mother arrived, dragging behind the poor priest, still confused. How Luce could have explained this desire to confess was a problem that fortunately did not touch me, but I was certain it must had not been very difficult.
That day I wandered through the country, lost in my thoughts. I avoided all known places because I did not go to meet anyone, except for Vito. My mind was boiling; I remembered my father’s last words before he died. Perhaps there was a sense in what he had said, perhaps it was important to inform me, he wanted me to know. But to know what? They wanted a child with all their soul, especially Mom, who was be willing to do anything, in order to have it. What had she done wrong? She certainly knew she had done wrong, or she wouldn’t be so afraid of a divine punishment.
How could they have accepted a situation like that? A girl who did not breathe, whom they had to remain hid, that could not come close to anyone. A beautiful flower protected in a crystal teak. And what was Luce? Was she a human being, imprisoned by an adverse fate, or just a simulacrum? Was she really like us, felt feelings? I was not sure; even though we had spoken and she had shown herself so vulnerable, I was still trying to demonstrate something for her. Maybe I had hated her for too many years.
I sat on a wall, dangerously overhanging the railroad. Dad gave me a clue to know, to find out what had happened: the convent of Our Lady of Light. Luce was born there; whatever extraordinary event had accompanied her birth must have had witnesses. It frightened me, I could not deny it. Just hearing about miracles, resurrection, all which was bound to the divine sphere, filled me with discomfort.
I was a believer, of course, how could I not be? But mine was an abstract faith, more due to the habit than conviction. Mom had gone on pilgrimage to that convent in an attempt to be able to give birth to a child, and eventually she had succeeded. Only the girl she had brought back was not normal, it was just an empty shell. But an empty shell which contained what?
I shook my head, because I was losing it. My thoughts were not just blasphemy, but at the limit of madness. Luce was Luce; she was my sister, not a zombie from hell!
When I began to ask around, things got complicated. The convent of Our Lady of Light was not far away, only about twenty miles from us, but the road to get there was rocky, little more than a mule track, and the convent was very high in the hollow between two mountains.
To this problem was added another, much more relevant: very few people were aware of its existence. Oh, yes, many had heard it name, but few knew a little more. Certainly none of those sisters had ever gone to town. They practiced enclosure, apparently, and the convent was ancient, it had centuries. That only made increased my curiosity: if it was so old, if they were able to do such miracles, how come nobody knew about it?
Then, one of the older women in the piazza said a strange thing. When she heard the name of the convent, she made the sign of the cross and whispered. «Stay away, my little girl. In that place there are unmentionable sins. Pagan rituals!».
I remained mouth open. «Isn’t it a catholic convent?
Another woman intervened. «It is, don’t pay attention to Rosa, she’s crazy!».
But soon I got another confirmation. I went to church, not to talk to the pastor, it would have been dangerous, my mother could have discovered it, but with old Luigi, the sacristan. He liked me, for him I would always be a little girl. Luigi was not as dramatic as the old woman in the square, but he looked at me anxiously. He took me out of the church, to his vegetable garden, where no one would bother us. «Why do you want to know?», he asked me first, as a practical man.
«Is there something wrong with that convent? Aren’t
they catholic nuns?».
He sighed and started to pick up tomatoes. «They say they are».
«And is not true?».
He shrugged his shoulders. «It’s been so long since I last heard about it. They are not interested in us and we also have stopped worrying about what’s happening up there».
«What happens?».
He kept being reticent.
I decided to throw a stone into the pond, to see what it could cause. «I’ve heard that there have been miracles».
He smiled. «Oh, there are so many miracles. It is necessary to see what is actually accomplished by Our Lord».
«Have you really been?».
«I wouldn’t call them miracles. And anyway it’s ancient history. It has been infinity of time since no one goes up there anymore. As far as we know, the convent may also be closed».
«But who are they?».
«The order of Our Lady of Light is very old; it dates back to more than a thousand years. Over the centuries it has been more than once in conflict with the Church of Rome, but have always managed to survive. They don’t ask for anything, they just want to be left alone».
«In conflict over what?».
«It’s an order that comes from the Orient, their belief sometimes blended with barbaric uses they have handed down. Nothing heretic, that is, it wouldn’t have survived otherwise, but they practice a different religion from ours».
It was not enough. «How is it different?».
«It is a cloister convent, I think I said it to you. Males are not allowed inside».
This did not surprise me at all, at the end it was so for all the cloistered convents. He read on my face these considerations because he added: «No, you have not understood, no male, of any kind. Not even a priest».
«Is this wrong?».
«They never leave the convent. As far as I am concerned, none of them has ever gone away, and no priest has managed to go down there to celebrate mass».
This was disturbing. «They don’t do confession, they don’t have communion? Ever?».
Lizzi Bizzi and the Red Witch Page 84
