For the space of a heartbeat, she stood there awkwardly, wanting to say something more to Heath. But as soon as she nodded in agreement, he turned and followed his servants from the room, leaving Lily to stare after him, feeling strangely as if she had just been delivered a powerful blow to her chest somewhere in the vicinity of her heart.
Chapter Nineteen
I never thought it would hurt this much to lose him.
– Lily to Fanny
At their wits’ end with worry, Fleur and Chantel were overjoyed to have Fanny home safely-and appalled by Basil’s trouncing. The elderly courtesans fussed over him even more than they fretted over Fanny, settling them both in their cozy sitting room and fortifying Basil with pillows, hot tea, and a liberal dose of brandy.
When Basil looked embarrassed by their coddling, Fanny assumed control of his nursing, bathing and tending his wounds and bandaging his right hand herself.
He endured her tender attentions with more fortitude, yet he still seemed dismayed by her concern. No doubt, Lily suspected, because he thought his physical injuries made him appear weak in Fanny’s eyes, even though she and the Cyprians praised his heroism numerous times.
Lily was also extremely proud of Basil, although she wasn’t quite as profuse in expressing her admiration just then; in part because her nerves were still unsettled from their brush with danger, her emotions still shaken after watching Heath risk his life for her sake. She badly wanted to see him again, to reassure herself that he was all right. Yet she knew there was an even greater reason for her present agitation. The truth was, she couldn’t bear the way they had parted.
To distract herself and Basil as well, Lily kept him company for the remainder of the afternoon, reading to him from Byron’s latest epic poem, The Prisoner of Chillon, and engaging in a half-hearted argument over that scandalous lord’s latest exploits abroad, all the while pretending an interest she didn’t feel. But she kept a close eye on the door, hoping Heath would arrive soon.
However, when he at last appeared at the boardinghouse that evening to check on Fanny and to report on O’Rourke’s arrest and incarceration, Lily had no chance to be alone with him, since Fanny asked to speak to him privately.
They left the sitting room together, and when Fanny returned, Heath was not with her.
“Lord Claybourne took his leave already?” Chantel asked, sounding disappointed. “But we wished to ask him to stay for dinner so we could properly thank him.”
“Yes, his lordship has gone,” Fanny answered. “He said to convey his apologies but he had business that required his attention.”
Lily felt her stomach sink further. She knew exactly why Heath had left without even saying farewell: because he was shunning her.
Not stopping to debate the wisdom of her actions, she sprang up from her seat to go after him.
There was no sign of him below in the entrance hall, Lily saw when she reached the first floor landing, so she quickly ran down the stairs and flung open the front door.
He was just climbing into his coach, she noted with relief. When she called to him, he froze for a long moment, before finally turning and walking slowly back toward her. Even from a distance she could tell that his face was completely shuttered, not an encouraging sign.
Lily hurried down the steps and along the sidewalk so that they met halfway, out of hearing of his coachman and footmen. When Heath halted before her, though, the sheer remoteness of his expression gave her a chill.
Lily stood gazing up at him helplessly, wondering what she could say to take that awful coldness from his eyes. At least the gash on his cheek didn’t seem too serious now that it had been cleaned and was no longer bleeding.
After a long moment she broke the strained silence by offering rather feebly, “You gave us no chance to thank you for saving Fanny.”
The humorless curl of his mouth resembled a grimace. “I have told you more than once, Lily, I do not want your gratitude.”
“Well, you have it. You saved my friend, and I am profoundly grateful to you.”
“Fanny has already thanked me adequately enough. Now, if you are quite finished…” With a curt bow, he took a step backward, as if preparing to turn away.
Dismay spearing through her, Lily stopped Heath by laying an imploring hand on his arm. “You are just leaving like this?”
“What reason do I have to stay, Lily?”
That sinking, tightening feeling in her stomach only intensified, especially when his voice dropped to a rough murmur. “It is clear we are at a total impasse, Lily. I cannot make you trust me. I cannot make you love me. So I am declaring an end to our courtship.”
When she mutely searched his face, Heath added with cold dispassion, “Come now, this is what you wanted all along. You should be glad I am giving you your wish.”
But she wasn’t glad at all! She didn’t want him walking away like this, severing even a chance of friendship between them. And the thought of possibly never seeing him again was more than she could bear. “Heath, please…I did not mean that we should-”
“Enough. There is nothing more to be said.”
The finality in his tone roused a painful constriction in her chest. Then wordlessly, Heath turned and headed for his coach, once again leaving Lily to stare after him.
Yet this time the ache in her heart felt as if it might never go away.
Walking away from Lily just now was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, Heath reflected as his coach drove off. He hadn’t even wanted to come here tonight, let alone speak to her in private.
His frustration with Lily was balanced on a knife’s edge, and he wasn’t certain he could control his primitive urges. He wanted to take her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. He wanted to make her accept his marriage proposal. He wanted to hold her and protect her and love her forever…
His reaction was driven by fear, Heath knew. The gut-deep fear that Lily might never give him the chance to love her as she deserved to be loved.
She believed that marriage was a prison for wives, that love was a destiny to be feared. Her irrational phobia frustrated the hell out of him because it was a fight he couldn’t win.
It wrenched him inside that Lily couldn’t let herself trust him. Which was why he had forced himself to walk away. If he continued making it easy for her to avoid the issue of marriage, she would have no reason to reevaluate her refusal.
He was taking the biggest gamble of his life, but he was determined to push her to decide what she truly wanted.
Remembering her huge dark eyes just now-the stricken look he’d seen there-gave him a measure of hope. Her dismay had seemed very real. And it was certainly possible that the adage about absence making the heart grow fonder might apply in her case.
But would his absence be enough to make her reconsider her answer?
He ardently wanted it to be so. Rescuing her friend this afternoon had only proved to Heath what he already knew: that he and Lily were ideally matched. She had faced danger at his side without flinching. His lovely spitfire was a magnificent woman, one he wanted beside him for the rest of his life.
But he couldn’t compel her surrender. He couldn’t demand that Lily’s feelings for him equal what he felt for her.
Thus, he had hit on a new plan. Yet he didn’t have faith it would work.
Meanwhile, he had another frustrating matter to deal with-namely Fanny’s decision to bargain with Mick O’Rourke rather than send him to prison for her abduction.
During their interview a short while ago, Fanny had laid out her arguments: Mick hadn’t really hurt her when he’d kept her captive in the beautiful house he had built solely for her. Nor could she overlook how kind and generous he’d been to her at the outset of her career as a courtesan. She actually was fond of him in a nostalgic sort of way. But certainly not enough to marry him as he wanted.
Perhaps she could work out a deal with Mick. She wouldn’t press charges against him for her abduction in exchange for hi
s promise to leave her alone in the future, in addition to a significant monetary settlement. Yes, he had made that same promise before-to Lord Claybourne himself just last week. But this time Fanny felt certain Mick had finally accepted that his love wasn’t returned.
If he agreed to her offer, he would be spared a trial and perhaps years of prison, or even worse, deportation or hanging.
Fanny had asked Heath to escort her to Newgate in the morning, so that she could put the question to her former lover.
Heath intended to honor Fanny’s plea, not because he thought it was the best course, but because he didn’t want Fanny going there alone and making a bargain she would come to regret. He needed to be convinced that O’Rourke would honor his word this time.
Moreover, Heath reflected grimly, dealing with Fanny’s troubles had the advantage of taking his mind off the fear and frustration engendered by his damnable stalemate with Lily.
Another fitful night of tossing and turning left Lily feeling morose and restless when she woke. And vexingly, her low spirits continued the entire morning and into the afternoon. The boardinghouse seemed overly quiet after the tumultuous events of yesterday, but she had politely declined Fleur and Chantel’s invitation for a shopping excursion on Bond Street, courtesy of Lord Poole.
Settling in the parlor downstairs, Lily tried to occupy herself by reading, but she discovered that concentrating on a printed page was nearly impossible. Her emotions were in too much turmoil.
She was still struggling against her uncharacteristic depression when Peg Wallace sought her out just after luncheon.
The girl was beaming with shy happiness as she shared her good news. “I came to thank you, Miss Loring, from the bottom of my heart. Madame Gautier offered me a position as her assistant, and the pay is substantial enough to allow me to leave the Royal Opera. I gave notice last night.”
“Why, that is wonderful, Peg,” Lily responded warmly. “I am so pleased for you.”
“And Betty Dunst sent word that her employment at Lord Claybourne’s estate is ‘wonderous fine.’ Those are her exact words. She is aiding the third gardener in the conservatory. You are a true angel, Miss Loring.”
At the undue praise, Lily laughed faintly. “I am no angel, Peg, I assure you. I only wanted you both to have better lives.”
“And you made it possible. No one else cared enough to help us. You are an angel-and so is his lordship. Will you please thank him for me?”
Lily’s smile faded. “I will be sure to tell him when I see him again.”
If I ever see him again, she added to herself once Peg had gone.
Lily wasn’t certain that would happen. She was only certain that Heath’s withdrawal had left her feeling forlorn and miserable. She already missed him after barely a day.
A wretched sign, Lily thought, wincing. If she was feeling so distraught after so short a time, how could she bear to end their relationship altogether?
But Heath was giving her no choice. Her only course would be to accept his proposal of marriage, and she couldn’t bring herself to risk it.
What she would do with her future instead, however, remained the question.
Since her childhood she had wanted to travel and explore, to lose herself in a world of excitement and adventure. But now she had a different desire. Now she very much wanted to start a home for unfortunate women.
Helping those poor girls escape a life of poverty and prostitution could become a passion for her, Lily knew. Her own life had always seemed rather superficial and shallow before, but now she had the chance to do something truly meaningful, something she would find greatly fulfilling.
Even if it might not totally fill the emptiness she was feeling at just this moment.
And where she would live was yet another question, Lily reminded herself. She couldn’t stay here at the boardinghouse with Fleur and Chantel forever-and in truth, there was no reason for her to remain, since her friends were safe from O’Rourke’s threats of imprisonment.
Admittedly, returning to Danvers Hall to live with Arabella and Marcus held little appeal, although Lily knew they would gladly welcome her. But not only would she feel sadly de trop, she believed the newlyweds deserved time to themselves if their union was to have the best chance of prospering.
Perhaps, Lily mused, she could move in with Tess-her lovely house in Chiswick had ample room. Chiswick would be close enough to London for her to carry out plans for starting a charity home for women. And living quietly in the country might allow her the chance to recover from her heartbreak…
There, she had finally said it, Lily acknowledged, shutting her eyes. She had admitted that her heart was breaking. All because Heath intended to cut her out of his life.
Realizing how pitifully weak that made her seem, Lily shook her head while fiercely chiding herself. She could not let herself wallow in this deplorable state, pining after a man who didn’t want her. Yearning for his friendship, for his touch, for the simple joy his nearness brought her.
No, Lily vowed fervently, she had to regain control of herself and her pathetic emotions. Which meant that she couldn’t stay here, where she would constantly be reminded of Heath. She had to make a fresh start. And she would have to keep so busy, she would be too tired to dwell on her loss.
Jumping up from her seat, Lily left the parlor, determined to go upstairs and pack so that she could be ready to leave for Chiswick first thing in the morning.
She had just reached the entrance hall when she encountered Fleur and Chantel as they arrived home from their shopping expedition. Despite the courtesans’ entreaties to join them for tea and help them to entertain Lord Poole, Lily politely declined rather than endure their blithe cheerfulness.
To her dismay, however, she made little progress on her vow to dismiss Heath or her heartache from her mind while she was packing.
Then a short while later, Basil startled her by rapping hard on her open bedchamber door and stalking into the room without even waiting for her to bid him entrance.
“Women! I will never understand them!” he exclaimed, flinging himself into the single chair.
“What is wrong?” Lily asked, a little disquieted by his vehemence and his appearance as well. Basil looked rather pitiful, with his face swollen and bruised and his left eye turning a vivid collage of black and purple. His scowl made the effect worse.
“Fanny! She is what is wrong. She is damned wrongheaded, not to mention stubborn and foolish.”
“What has she done?” Lily asked in puzzlement.
“She paid me a call at work-to check on my injuries, she said. But in fact it was to explain. She wanted to tell me herself before I heard it from someone else.”
“Heard what, Basil? Will you cease this roundaboutation before I throttle you?”
Lily’s threat seemed to capture his attention, for he slumped over in his seat while clutching his hair as if wanting to pull it out by the roots.
“Fanny agreed to withdraw the charges against O’Rourke if he would return the thirty thousand pounds to Lord Poole and the ten thousand Fanny paid him at the start, plus give Fleur and Chantel another twenty thousand pounds to provide them security in their old age.”
Lily stared at him, wondering if she had heard correctly. “Do you mean O’Rourke is not going to prison for abducting her and holding her prisoner for the better part of an afternoon?”
“That is exactly what I mean!” Basil grumbled. “That bastard will be set free tomorrow. Claybourne arranged for his release this afternoon.”
“He just let O’Rourke go?” Lily repeated in disbelief.
“Yes! Fanny talked Claybourne into it. She wrapped him around her little finger, the way she does every other poor sod of her acquaintance.”
“But O’Rourke threatened her life! And his servants nearly killed Lord Claybourne!”
“I know that! But she has conveniently dismissed O’Rourke’s villainy. She claims he has learned his lesson. And he has sworn to provide financially
for Fleur and Chantel. If you ask me, I think Fanny elected leniency because she loves that bastard. There is no other excuse for her madness.”
The disgust in Basil’s voice couldn’t hide the underlying bitterness. He was greatly upset, Lily knew. Even more because he was envious of O’Rourke than because he wanted to see the gaming hell owner pay for his crimes.
Lily understood the deep hurt Basil felt. She might not have two weeks ago, but she did now. She’d gained a newfound sensitivity over the past fortnight, because her recent love affair with Heath had made her much more sympathetic to the trials and tribulations of lovers.
“I am very sorry Fanny set O’Rourke free, Basil,” Lily said in a calmer tone. “But I don’t believe it is because she loves him.”
“Then why?” The question was a plea for understanding, and his tone held an edge of anguish, although Lily knew Basil would be embarrassed if she took note of it.
“My guess is that she earnestly wants to provide for her friends. Twenty thousand pounds is a significant fortune. If Fleur and Chantel are the least frugal, they will be set for life. And Fanny will no longer need to worry for their welfare. Instead, she can see to her own.”
“How is her welfare made better by championing that villain?” Basil’s hands clutched harder in his hair before he shook his head furiously. “Blast it all, I have had enough! I can’t bear to watch her any longer.”
“What do you mean to do, Basil?” Lily asked warily.
“I will return to Hampshire as soon as I can arrange it. I’ll give notice to my firm tomorrow.”
Lily hesitated a long moment. “You would leave London right now?”
“Yes!” he practically hissed. “I cannot stay here any longer. It is stupid to torment myself this way. I can never have Fanny. I have to accept that.”
“You love her.”
The glance he shot Lily was full of misery. “Yes, fool that I am. I have loved her for years. Why do you think I followed her here to London? I wanted to be certain she was safe and happy. I wanted just to be near her. But I can’t bear sharing her with other men.”
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