by Rae Earl
THEN SODDING BATTERED SAUSAGE APPEARED, and shouted to Haddock, ‘Come and get a kebab – my knackers are frozen!’
He didn’t say anything after that. He just looked at me and ran off.
That happened about four hours ago.
‘I would . . .’ I could fill in the gaps. What would he do?
Don’t want to analyse it. Just want to keep playing it back in my head.
Hands in my hair feel . . . right.
Come on . . . what is five stone? I can do it.
‘A pretty face.’
Just looked in Wally the budgie’s mirror. For the first time ever, I think Haddock may have a point, you know.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Special thanks and much love to:
Emma Mortimer – Moom – for nearly two decades of being the best friend a person could have, for ‘Millicent’ and ‘Spuffington’ and for ‘Do you fancy a bit of privet?’
Joanna Russell – The Bind, for all the drunken afternoons in the ‘slug’ in the ’Ham and for my two favourite phrases in the world ever: ‘Read Cainer – Live with it’ and ‘Not bloody having it, Rae’.
Sarah Powell – For taking it to the grave and for full-on Dobber action. Let’s celebrate till your tummy goes ‘Alien’.
Claire and Pete Koukoularides – For the best trips abroad and for having a poster in your shed that features Jocky Wilson.
Lee Price and Andrew Fewster – The lads at work, for their encouragement. Andy for teaching me the art of a pause in a conversation and Lee for being ‘98% proud and 2% Hannibal Lecter’.
Lucy Kearney – The divine Lulu Gnu, for saying, ‘Stop bloody moaning Raelet and bloody do it. You are boring me’.
Paul Robey – The Robe, for scheduling Sheila B. Devotion and for ‘Tower of Strength’.
David Lloyd – Tavid, for being the first person to read it and like it and for ‘Ernie’ . . .
Rob Wagstaff – For many things, but the Swear FM jingle is a highlight . . .
Dad – For making me unbeatable in pub quizzes.
Andy ‘If you ever describe yourself as a writer/broadcaster I will physically hurt you’ Upton.
Andrew, Lisa and Robert Cattanach – For understanding the hell of a Lincolnshire upbringing and for ‘It’s Batey matey!’
and . . .
My fantastic agent, the goddess Eve White, for helping to make all this happen.
Thank you to the following for their recent personal or professional loveliness – Mrs P, Dean Roberts, Cynthia and Ray Mortimer, Dick Stone, Steve Orchard, Marcus Langreiter, Roo Green, Tracey Reed, Phill Danks, Simon Ritchie, Carlton Dale, Jan Olford, Bruce Perritt, Jody Bunting, Mark ‘Chunk’ Peters, Ivan D’Sa, Tim Rogers, Steve Mayall and Sarah Hagger.
People who I haven’t seen in years but just want to thank:
Brian ‘Sir’ Till – I’m sorry that all you got after 30 years of inspirational teaching was a tree, but I hope this further qualifies that you are a great bloke; Dr Richard Palmer for describing me as ‘ferociously intelligent’.
Book wise – The brilliant Nicola Doherty and all at Hodder, Laura ‘Queen of Facts’ Collins and Rachel Leyshon.
Special thanks to all the listeners of Leicester Sound and Ram FM who said, ‘I felt just like you did’ when highly edited extracts from my diaries were broadcast from December 2001 to November 2004.
Dedicated to the memory of Lisa MacDonald. Lisa – I promise I have not bought a thing from Claire’s Accessories since you died. I hope wherever you are you’re having a glass of champagne . . .
