“If I look at you, this will never end, Aidan.”
“I don’t want it to end.”
“Then don’t look at me either.”
I stood up and turned away from him. A light rain was falling, and I listened to it, trying to ignore the burning in my heart, the pain of wanting him and being forced to leave him—the only solution that could keep me and everyone I loved safe.
“What did you tell Ethan?”
“Honestly…nothing,” I answered, pushing aside the pain in my voice. “He already knows.”
“Nobody is going to hurt him. They won’t hurt you either. I won’t let them. I can protect you.”
“No, Aidan,” I answered sharply. I finally turned to look at him, confirming that all of this was real and right in front of me. “You can’t. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for me. If I stay here, everybody I love will be in just as much danger as me.”
He sighed and nodded. “I love you, Jane.”
I broke my gaze, staring at the floor. “I know. But I can’t let that matter anymore.”
The pain at that point was impossible to hide. Every time I looked at him, I was reminded of how beautiful he was and how much I loved him. I stared at my bedroom window, studying the patterns of rain drops on the glass, looking for a deeper meaning, for something to make sense—to be in order. I couldn’t choose this ending; this was the only ending. I was anxious to get out, to leave these feelings for Aidan as far behind as possible. I still didn’t understand completely. All I knew was that The Sevren was after me because my grandfather was a member of The Silver Wing. They would be after Rudy if he knew about Walter. But what about Ethan and my mother? They were in danger as well.
“What else can I do?” I asked. “Ethan and my mother.”
“We, Ethan and I, agreed that we don’t want your mother to know about this. I will help your father cover his tracks as I promised. He won’t even have to leave North Bend. I will keep The Sevren away from California, away from you and your mother until I can stop them, and I swear to you, Jane—I will find a way. I’ll come back to you when it’s safe.”
“I can’t look at you that way anymore,” I told him sadly. “It’s too painful.”
“Jane—”
“Don’t,” I snapped. “Please. If you love me, really love me, just let me do what I need to do. Let me go, Aidan. Let me live my life, and let me forget you so that someday…I can remember you.”
He nodded solemnly. “Can you do just one thing for me?”
I didn’t answer, but the look in my eyes confirmed that I would do anything for him.
“Help me make things right?”
“How?”
“I know I can’t make everything right with you,” he said. “But I want to make things right with Rudy. If that’s all I can do, let me redeem myself in one small way.”
His words had touched me to be honest. I couldn’t say no to a request like that. I nodded. “Of course.”
“Thank you.”
“Why can’t you just tell me what this is all about?” Rudy asked.
Aidan smiled. “Well, it’s sort of…a surprise.”
“A surprise?”
“Mm hmm.”
“Huh—Jane?”
“It’s fine,” I told him. “It was Aidan’s idea, and I promise you’ll love it.”
“It’s a thank you for helping me,” Aidan said. “Don’t worry.”
He sat silently, occasionally glancing at one of us. Aidan kept his eyes on the road, but his face looked happy. I was able to ignore the pain I felt when I looked at him, trying to make things seem a little more normal for Rudy. This was his day. Aidan drove slower than usual and pulled into the driveway of his house.”
“What are we doing here?” Rudy asked.
“You know this is where I live,” Aidan said. “But you’ve never been inside.” He smiled crookedly and raised his eyebrows. He unlocked the door and stepped inside.
Rudy glanced around like he knew where he was—almost like he had been there before but couldn’t remember when. He looked so confused.
“Are you all right?” I asked.
“Jane…” His voice was so quiet I could hardly hear him, almost throttled. He pointed to the painting on the wall—the horse.
I just stared at the look on his face. He knew that painting. I could only imagine how important it must have been for him to have reacted that way. Walter entered the room, but Rudy didn’t notice yet. He kept his eyes locked on the painting.
“Ah,” Walter said. Rudy turned around. “I always liked that painting.”
Rudy was silent. I could see he was already crying.
“You’ve grown,” Walter said. “It’s all right. I’m not a ghost.”
Rudy stumbled toward him and fell into his arms. I could hear him quietly sobbing against Walter’s chest. “I thought you were dead.”
“Oh, but I had to be,” he whispered. “I had to be dead to protect you.”
“And now?” Rudy asked, moving away.
“Now it is time for you to know the truth. We can protect you now. We know so much more about the hunters now than we used to, my boy.”
“So you aren’t going to leave me again?” he said, sobbing. “You won’t disappear?”
“I won’t disappear.”
“What about Mom?”
“Oh, she’ll find out.” Walter laughed. It was that dry sputtered laughter I had heard before. “But don’t you go telling her just yet.”
Rudy nodded. “Okay.” He turned toward Aidan. “Thank you,” he whispered.
Aidan gave him that formal bow and smiled.
I wrapped my arms around Aidan’s shoulders. “Thank you for doing this,” I whispered in his ear.
“I had to.”
“I know.”
“So after today, you will be all right?”
I nodded. “I’ll be all right, Aidan. You need to let me go. You need to let me forget everything. That way, I can remember it someday.”
He nodded. “I’ll miss you.”
My chest burned. I couldn’t answer. I looked at him and nodded telling him I know.
“So, I’ll see you again?” His sobbing was becoming ridiculous.
“Dad, I’m not dying,” I said, forcing a smile.
He pulled me tightly into his chest. “Tell your mother ‘hi’ for me.”
I nodded, refusing to let myself seem sad. It would only make things harder for Ethan. Becky was even worse. She wouldn’t let me go even when I choked out, “Can’t breathe.” It didn’t seem fair that I had to hurt her this way, Rudy and Aaron as well, for my own selfish reasons. That’s when my thoughts halted, and I remembered that I was doing this for them, to keep them safe. Standing by me would put them at the top of The Sevren’s hit list. I choked back my own tears; there was no need to make this worse for her. Aaron stepped forward once he was able to pry Becky off of me. He led out his hand, and I laughed.
“A hand shake?”
He shrugged his shoulders, smiling, and embraced me.
I slowly turned to Rudy, who was just stepping inside as I was letting go of Aaron. He just stared at me for a moment, giving me a synthetic smile through his tears. I held out my arms, and after one step, his lips were crushing mine. I pulled away instantly. “Rudy, I—”
“I know,” he said. He sounded perfectly content. “You’re leaving. It seemed like a good excuse.”
I laughed and shook my head. “Bye, Rudy.” I hugged him.
“You’ll come and visit?”
“Of course.”
I slung my backpack over my shoulder and grabbed the handle of my suitcase. I walked past my friends and waved as I stepped outside, leaving my old home once again. They followed me out to the car where Ethan was waiting. I couldn’t look back at them again; my entire face was burning with my attempts to hide my emotions. Tears still spilled over, and I didn’t want any of them to see that.
“You come back any time you want,” Ethan s
aid, shoving my things into the trunk.
I just nodded.
He took off his glasses and pressed his thumb and index finger to his eyelids. “You’re always welcome here.”
“I know.”
I wore the red raincoat Ethan had given me when I moved to North Bend, sort of as a farewell gesture you could say. The car ride to the airport was silent, which saddened me quite a bit more than I would have otherwise expected. I wished my father and I could have bonded more over the time I had spent there. I supposed it was my fault. I never answered his questions and avoided conversation with him until he either gave up or decided to leave me alone, thinking I wasn’t interested in what he had to say, which wasn’t it at all. It was just difficult for me to open up to Ethan. I’d never talked to him about personal things before. I sighed at these thoughts.
“Doing okay?” he asked.
I tried to actually answer him, let him into my head a little bit. “I’m doing okay, Dad. Just going to really miss everything about this place.”
“Hmm, didn’t expect that,” he said, smiling and glancing over at me.
I laughed. “Neither did I.”
I was suddenly aware of everything—every single sound, the wind whipping by as each car or motorcycle passed by. I could hear the buzzing behind the turned-down music on the radio and Ethan’s slow, deep breathing. I could almost hear my own pounding heartbeat. My God—it was really ending.
I was able to contain myself and was beginning to feel a great sense of relief. Now everything could go back to normal. I could spend my summers at Ethan’s and the school years with my mother. That relief lasted only until I boarded the plane after about three more of my father’s tight hugs. As soon as I settled into the uncomfortable airplane seat, I felt myself break down and quietly wept until I exhausted myself enough to relax and fall asleep. All of the emotions of the past month had paralyzed me, and even in the uncomfortable seat of an airplane, I slept deeply and dreamlessly until the stewardess woke me.
“Miss?” her sweet, natural voice sang.
I opened my eyes, and she was smiling at me, her dark, cropped hair highlighting her large, round eyes. I immediately got up and grabbed my bag from above me. I was almost a zombie as I sat in the terminal with a romance novel I had daydreamed through, getting to the bottom of the page and starting over again at the top.
I sighed heavily and slammed the book closed. I leaned back in the plastic seat. Sleep was impossible, but I tried at least to relax, which proved impossible as well. I gave in and let my thoughts run wild. Everything came to mind, from Danny’s death to that first date with Aidan, Andrew Gallagher’s Halloween party, to this—the end. The end of the only thing that let me believe trust was possible, that I was capable of love without Danny. The rest of the time, I sat there waiting, that hopeful mood coming back. I was looking forward to seeing my mother and my old room again, my old town—everything I missed—and sunny California that I loved.
As soon as my mother saw me, she ran to me and hugged me the way Ethan had to where I almost couldn’t breathe. She was crying more than she was when I left. It was different than it was with Ethan. It was always easy to talk to my mom. Though Ethan and I didn’t talk much, we had talked about what I would tell her, and we both agreed that she didn’t need to know about any of the terrible things that had happened. Amazingly, I still looked like me, instead of aging fifty years prematurely.
My mother always asked a lot of questions, but this time, I felt bombarded by them.
“I’m so sorry I’m late, sweetie,” she said. “So what ultimately sealed the deal for you to move back out here?”
“Mostly homesickness. Also, nothing really felt right in North Bend, and, of course, Danny’s memory is stronger there.”
She nodded, seemingly unable to answer. She never talked about him.
“I’m glad to be home.”
She smiled. “Glad to have you home.”
“How is everybody?” she asked on the car ride home. “Becky and Ethan…?”
“Great. Becky is finally with a really nice guy her own age, one of my new friends actually. Name’s Aaron. He’s really cute.”
“Well, that’s a relief. Her mom still a mess?”
“I’m guessing so. She never really talks about her, and I haven’t seen her.”
My mom nodded. She cared more about Becky than Becky’s own parents. “But she’s doing all right?”
“Yes, she’s all right.”
“So, have you made any other new friends?”
I decided to leave Aidan out of everything for the rest of…well…forever. “No. Just got reacquainted with Rudy Thompson from across the street and his brother, Eric. There are a few people I talk to but nobody I really got close to save for Aaron.”
“Well, at least you have a nice circle of friends.”
I smiled. “Can’t wait to visit them again.”
“Oh, I’m glad to hear you say that, Jane. You haven’t been at all social in so long.”
“Well…I guess I changed a little bit.”
She smiled at me, knowing there was something I was hiding, but she didn’t push it. It was so good talking to my mom again. I had missed her a lot more than I realized.
When we finally got home, it felt like I had never really left in the first place. She helped me carry the rest of my bags into the house.
“So is my room a weight room now?” I teased.
She laughed. “Of course not. I knew you would be back at least to visit again.”
I smiled. “Did you at least paint the walls?” I never liked the pale pink color.”
“It’s all the same, honey.”
“Hmm—nice.”
I went upstairs to my room, and just like my mom had said—all the same. Everything was empty, but the bed was in the same place with the down comforter and pale pink pillows that matched the walls. The Friday the 13th poster was still on my door, and the dresser and bookshelf hadn’t changed at all. It was a relief to have nothing different. It was like I had never left, like North Bend was all a dream and nothing had changed. I was just Jane Doe, and I smiled as I placed Danny’s picture on my old wooden dresser where it had always been before. He was happy in that picture, just how I wanted to remember him, in the red picture frame that matched the red baseball cap he was wearing.
I unpacked slowly, placing the pictures Becky had taken off to the side, planning to put them on the walls somewhere later. I came across a picture she had taken of me and Aidan in the cafeteria. It was in the beginning when things were more normal.
It was a nice picture, but I didn’t like the way I looked next to Aidan with his flawless skin and perfect eyes. I hated looking so average. I shoved the picture under my bed and stared at another one, this one of me, Rudy, Becky, and Aaron. That was the one worth keeping; it made me smile. My mom knocked on the door a few minutes later.
“It’s open,” I called.
She came in and instantly smiled at me as she knelt on the floor next to me. “Oh, pictures.”
I was glad I had shoved that other one under the bed. My mom would love to add these to her scrapbook.
“Yeah,” I answered. “Thank Becky for that.” I handed her the stack, and she looked through them as I told her about Aaron and what was going on in each picture or why all of us were laughing at the same time. Becky loved snapping pictures when I was laughing about something stupid. I already missed her but planned to call her later that evening. Hopefully, she’d tell me she was fine, as were Aaron and Rudy.
I finished unpacking most of my clothes and some of my old books, but everything else was still shoved in my suitcases. I decided I’d devote a few days to that until my mom got me reregistered back at my old school. It would have made more sense for me to wait through the summer to come home, but I couldn’t stay there another minute, not with The Sevren so near. So now I’d be coming back to school in the middle of the semester, with no idea how I was to catch up.
Time passed, and it was a while before everything had finally gone back to normal. I got my job back, but Amber was still the only person I really talked to except for a few people in my English class, usually asking me for help. I was happy being home and even happier that summer was close and I would get to see Becky, Rudy, and Aaron again. Also, I missed Ethan more than I thought I would. It would be nice to go back to North Bend for a little while, but even now, I wasn’t sure I could be safe, so my friends had all planned on coming to California instead.
My grades were back to the way they should have been, and I was pleased I was able to catch up without too much of a problem. Aidan didn’t usually cross my mind, and when he did, it was easy for me to push it aside and think of something else. I didn’t have a lot of room left in my head to miss him, but if I were to stop and think about him, I figured I would cry myself to sleep for hours.
I realized a couple weeks later that I was right and that suppressing his memory only lasted so long. All I could do was cry over him for nights on end, wishing he was lying next to me like he used to, just so I could bring myself into his arms when I awoke every night from those strange nightmares.
My mother had asked me to help her with some grocery shopping the morning after another dream of Aidan and The Sevren. Amazingly enough, I was able to hide the pain it had caused me. I drove to the grocery store without even noticing the streets; everything still looked exactly the same, and the warm air from the approaching summer was comforting. I hadn’t seen the rain a single time since I’d been home.
I was constantly aware of every voice and every face I passed by, hoping that maybe one of them would be his. Every time I heard someone behind me, I’d turn around, only to feel ridiculous when I realized it wasn’t him. After all, how could it be? I left North Bend to get away from The Sevren but also to get away from Aidan. I left because I could no longer bear to look at him.
Daniel was dead, and there was nothing I could do now to bring him back, but if there was even the smallest chance that I could help make things right, I would. How could I love the boy who killed Danny? How could I live in a way that would honor Danny and make him proud by being with his killer? I asked myself these questions, searching for an answer that could justify Aidan and me being together—nothing came to mind.
Summers' Deceit (Hunters Trilogy Book 1) Page 22
