by Milly Taiden
Olivia stared at her clothes strewn on the bed. Kirsten was there, helping her pack. They were leaving early the next morning. They’d had dinner at the closest taverna — or rather Kirsten and Markus had, and had tried to force-feed her something. She couldn’t even remember what they’d had.
Kirsten said they’d found Justin shouting at Kai in the gardens of the hotel. Justin had obviously seen them together the previous day, upon his arrival, and had decided to make it clear to Kai he didn’t approve of any man touching his future wife.
Jesus H. Christ.
So Kai had stormed off but had stuck around long enough to see Justin drag her to the bar and declare his intentions to be with her. Probably not long enough to see her leave or hear her parting words.
Because her timing always sucked. She was never there when she needed to be, and let people down.
She caught glimpses of Justin by the pool when they’d returned to the hotel. He was with a woman Olivia had never seen before, laughing and drinking cocktails. And quite frankly, Olivia didn’t give a damn.
Kai hadn’t shown up. Over the afternoon, she’d checked his hut and the nearby beaches. He wasn’t anywhere she knew where to look.
Panos insisted he didn’t know where Kai was, but he didn’t seem overly concerned which meant he knew, just didn’t want to tell her. They’d passed Rita on the way back to the hotel and she’d pretended not to see Olivia, her face set in angry lines.
If you hurt my cousin...
Yeah, right. Olivia swallowed past the lump in her throat. The need to see Kai, smell him, hold him was a physical pain, a cold ache inside her chest.
There was some good news: her mother had sent her a message telling her she’d been accepted by the college in New York City she’d applied to. She’d emailed the counselors to ask if she’d be given credit for the classes she’d already taken, and they’d said yes and included a list of books she’d need.
Kirsten had more good news: she and Markus had been selected for the exchange program of their university and would spend the next semester at the same college as her. It was amazing. She should be thrilled. She should be dancing with joy.
She stared down at a crinkled blouse and couldn’t imagine herself anywhere without Kai.
It would get better, Kirsten had insisted. The first few days would be hard but then she’d forget how it had been with Kai, forget about him. She’d meet new people and have tons of fun.
It didn’t seem possible. Or desirable. Why should she move on when she wanted to be with Kai?
You barely know him, she thought. Despite his confessions, despite knowing about his past, what made him sad and what made him smile, despite knowing his only living family.
Come to think of it, she knew him quite well.
Didn’t change the fact he wasn’t there. He hadn’t asked her to stay, had in fact said a few times he lived here, with no hint he might be changing his mind at any point in time — and she was leaving far away.
Moving as if through the cobwebs of a nightmare, she packed her things and lay in bed, unable to sleep. She stared at the ceiling for hours, until she gave up and went out to the balcony. The sea stretched calm and dark. Olivia sat there, watching it, hoping for Kai to show up, hoping for something to happen.
Dawn broke, a vein opening on the horizon, drenching the sea in blood.
Tears in her eyes, she got stiffly to her feet and stumbled back inside.
It was time to go.
*
The hotel lobby was empty. Bitter-sweet memories assaulted her as she stood there with her suitcase — the day she’d bumped into Kai, making him drop his packages, the way he’d asked if she was okay. The way he’d said she looked sad and that he wanted to see her smile.
God, stop it.
Kirsten and Markus who were standing at the door called for her to come out. Their taxi was there.
This was it. She was leaving.
She stared at the piece of paper in her hand where she’d scribbled her full name and phone number, addressed to Kai. She placed it on the reception desk, glad Panos or Rita weren’t there, and hoped Kai would get it and call her.
Hope seemed frail.
They packed their things in the back of the taxi and rolled into the dim morning, leaving the hotel behind them. The light over the sea was brightening, the clouds reflecting in its mirror.
So he’s chosen you, she thought. You’re here and I’ll be far. It makes sense somehow. Or maybe the curse had never been broken.
Or maybe she’d fucked up royally, after all. Probably even from the start — seeking Kai out, trying to help him, being with him, falling for him. She’d always known she was leaving, but maybe he’d hoped she wouldn’t.
Just like she’d hoped he’d go with her.
Selfish, like Justin had said.
She wept as they drove away from the hotel, silently and hiding her face from the others. She couldn’t recall ever feeling such pain, except when Andria had died. It was a pain similar in intensity, only sharper. Maybe because Kai wasn’t dead, and hope still refused to go out.
She looked around at the airport, half expecting to see Kai there. But he wasn’t anywhere to be seen, and their flight was called for boarding. She went through the motions, the pain inside flaring time and again.
Kai would be working at the beach bar of the hotel again. He’d probably run into Justin more than once. Would they talk? Would they fight? Would they ignore each other?
Would Kai forget her easily, go on as if he’d never met her? All those revelations, the changes in him — would they last? Had the spell really been broken or was he still tied to the sea? Still standing on the cliff with nobody to catch him?
In the end, she had failed him, too.
They boarded the plane. Took off. They landed in Frankfurt, and Kirsten’s mother was there, waiting with the rest of Olivia’s things. She’d be boarding her flight to the States in a few hours’ time.
Going back home.
She couldn’t feel it. The word held no meaning. Nobody was waiting for her there. Her parents would be glad to see her, but their lives kept them away often and she was moving to a new college where she knew nobody.
Kirsten promised they’d come soon, within the month. Markus hugged her tightly, lifting her off her feet, telling her to take good care of herself.
None of it mattered. Later that day she climbed into a bigger plane and watched the land fall away below. She was leaving Europe, and Kai.
She held a hand to her chest, where the pain lingered, and wondered if anyone had found a cure for a broken heart. It felt like a mortal wound, a hole from which her life was pouring out, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.
*
Her return felt odd. Her hometown was like a place she’d never inhabited. She’d gotten used to Germany with its cloudy skies, the brutally honest and fiercely loyal people, the distance it had placed between the present and the past. Now the pain rushed back in, the guilt and sorrow, made worse by losing Kai.
Or letting him go. That was what she’d asked of the sea.
But he obviously thought she’d lied to him. That even though she hadn’t gone back with Justin, she was still involved with him. Panos and Rita wouldn’t be inclined to play advocate for her.
God knew what Justin might tell Kai. She doubted he’d admit he’d been turned down a second time. She could just imagine Justin telling Kai they were getting married any day now.
Crap.
Her parents took her out to dinner and asked to know all about Germany and Crete. The words came haltingly, and she found herself avoiding any mention of Kai, the mermaids and magic. She didn’t want to talk about it. Didn’t want to be told magic didn’t exist, and that Kai was a passing fancy. Didn’t want to hear it sounded mad and that she was now home.
Home.
She wasn’t. Not really. Not without him.
He’d spoken of a painting, hadn’t he? At the Museum of Modern Art in New York. Said it r
eminded him of her — a girl trying to find her way back.
God, she missed him.
She met a couple of friends before she left for college. Went to the movies and then out for drinks. She went through the motions. It was as if she were inhabiting someone else’s body, someone else’s head.
Her mind was still in Crete.
To stop thinking, she threw herself into the move, trying to figure out what to take with her, and wondering what her new room mate would be like.
She should have been worried about moving to a strange place and about making friends. It should have been exciting, too. An opportunity to explore new things and find her place in the world.
Germany had been like that.
But her mind wasn’t in it. Her heart wasn’t in it. The pain of separation had dulled but not faded. She wondered if it ever would.
Hot on the heels of that thought came doubt. Was she making a mistake, leaving her old life again? If Kai had come with her to New York, things might have been different. Now, she was running toward emptiness. Running away — again.
And Kai, was he okay? Had the strange sickness really left him? Was he careful when he swam into the blue?
Not your concern anymore, she told herself. He’s not a project for you to work on.
But she’d broken him. Had she fixed him afterward?
Kirsten had said everyone had to find their own way.
But sometimes you needed help. Olivia wasn’t sure she’d have made it without Kirsten’s help.
God.
Packing her stuff only reminded her of Crete, of choosing what to wear to look sexy for Kai, and of the last fateful day when she’d left without even being given the chance to say goodbye.
Her hands trembled. She sank to her knees, staring at the box in which she’d been packing her papers. It wasn’t fair, finding Kai and losing him so soon.
He’s not dead, she reminded herself. Stop acting as if he is. He’s only lost to you.
It didn’t make her feel any better.
Her parents offered to drive her to her new campus, across the state, but she managed to find another student transferring there and hitched a ride. Helen was her name, and she seemed nice.
Olivia tried her best to be friendly and attentive, even when her mind drifted to the past. She had to learn how to pretend to be happy and alive when she’d left a piece of her behind.
Just do it, Liv. Just let go. Kai is gone as surely as Andria is. He may be finally free to make his own choices.
Let them both go.
Olivia wondered how many times she had to start anew.
The campus of the new college was more cramped and dirty than her old one. Her room was tiny, the bed narrow as a prison cell bunk, and her new roommate, name of Sonia, was so cheery and bouncy it made her feel even more depressed.
She forced herself to eat breakfast and lunch, but in the evenings she missed Kai so much she couldn’t swallow a bite. She met with counselors and professors, arranged her class schedule, picked subjects and even sports. The card of the hotel where she’d stayed in Crete stared at her every day from her wallet and she thought of throwing it away, but couldn’t bring herself to do it.
Dark eyes, silky hair, a half-smile... She didn’t even have a photo of Kai. Better that way. He’d fade from her memory.
At least she told herself that, sitting at the window of her room, gazing at the students crossing below in the late afternoon light. They looked carefree and just as bouncy as her roommate. The sunrays rippled through the foliage of the trees, creating golden waves on the ground, as if slanting through water.
Kai...
Olivia opened her wallet, and took out the hotel card. Maybe Kai didn’t want to talk to her. But she could at least set her mind at ease knowing he was okay.
She had to call. She’d lasted out more than a week. Too long.
In New York it was seven PM. In Greece it was two in the morning. Now her decision to call had been made, she didn’t want to wait, but had no choice.
She paced circles in the tiny room, glad her roommate wasn’t there for the weekend. At midnight she’d call, when it would be early morning on Crete. God, if time passed slowly before, it had come to a complete standstill now.
The hours lumbered by, heavy and slow.
At midnight, she picked up her phone and punched in the number of the hotel. And waited as the phone rang and rang. Her heart banged. Her breath caught.
Please.
Nothing.
She called again and again until she got through, and then the connection was so bad she wasn’t sure it wasn’t just a crossed line.
Come on.
Hitting her head on the wall probably wouldn’t help. Kicking the bed frame would at least spare her the headache.
One last try.
A bass male voice answered in Greek and she gripped the phone so hard she heard the plastic casing creak. “Panos? It’s Olivia. Is Kai there? Is he okay?”
The man rattled off a reply but it sounded like gibberish. She tried again, asking if Kai was okay, if he’d gotten her number, why he hadn’t called.
Useless. If that was Panos, she couldn’t understand a single word spoken in that growling voice. Or maybe it was simply a bad connection.
She stared at the wall, biting her lip. “Panos, where is Kai?”
A pause, then Panos spoke in halting English. “Kai gone.”
Olivia froze, her breath locked in her lungs.
No, she must have misunderstood. Panos’s English wasn’t very good. “Gone?”
“He gone,” Panos repeated.
“What do you mean?” God, she couldn’t breathe. “Is he okay?”
“Gone,” Panos grumbled, his voice distorted by the crappy connection. “Away.”
And the line went flat.
*
Gone.
What the hell did that mean? It almost sounded like Kai had died, and panic threatened to send her crashing to the floor. After trying the number a couple more times, she finally gave up. She placed the phone on the bedside table carefully, not trusting her shaky hand.
She’d failed Kai, like she’d failed Andria. What the hell had happened? Had he drowned? An accident on the road, perhaps?
Oh god, please, please...
She fell onto the mattress, her eyes hot with unshed tears. You’re in too deep, Markus had said.
Yeah.
She should have canceled her flight on that last day, found Kai and explained everything to him.
He couldn’t be dead. If he was, Panos would have said so, right? Gone away, Panos had said. It wasn’t the same thing.
Olivia took breath after shaky breath. She had to find Kai. Forgetting him wasn’t an option. She might as well forget her own name. She had to go back to Crete.
But how? She had no money for this.
Her jaw clenched. She’d find a way. She’d get a job and save enough to do this.
As she stared at the wall, she recalled again Kai talking of that painting at the MOMA. She hadn’t even been in the city yet, hadn’t cared about it. Hadn’t checked out the galleries and museums. But suddenly she wanted to see where Kai had often sat and what he’d contemplated before he’d gone back to Crete and the sea.
Dawn had barely broken behind the trees outside when she got up and made herself ready. She needed a sign, a connection, and the only thing she could think of was sitting where Kai had sat, seeing what he’d seen.
Magic. She’d started to believe, hadn’t she? If she prodded, maybe something on the other side would answer.
Setting her jaw, she scrubbed her hair back in a ponytail, pulled on her boots and jacket, grabbed her map and headed out.
The bus ride from the campus took an hour, and then almost another hour by subway and she was in downtown New York.
God, the size of it! The buildings, the avenues, the shops, glittering surfaces, glass and chrome spires piercing the pale sky.
Feeling like a child in a countr
y of giants, she strolled through the streets, gawking at everything.
Too big. Too much. She wanted Crete with its small streets and shops. With Kai. Dammit.
She crossed avenue after avenue, checking her map. Not far now. She rounded a corner and glimpsed the immense glass facade of the museum. It hadn’t opened yet, but there was a long line of people waiting.
She stood with them, her mind on the past, replaying every moment she’d had with Kai.
He wasn’t dead. She’d have felt it. And Panos wouldn’t have said ‘gone’, he’d have said ‘dead’. Panos only wanted her to keep away from his cousin.
Right?
She couldn’t take this anymore. Sick with worry, sick with missing Kai. She had to go back to Crete. Even if Kai didn’t want anything to do with her. Just to see he was all right.
For the first time she thought she understood why Justin had needed to talk to her face to face.
Maybe if Kai told her he didn’t care about her, she’d find closure and move on. She had to move on; she’d stayed in the past way too long.
The line moved sluggishly along. The door of the museum had opened. It was an impressive building, though she didn’t think she could care less right now. How could she find the money to go back to Crete? Maybe Kirsten could lend her some...
Olivia paid for her ticket, which was damn expensive despite the student discount, and picked up a plan of the museum. What had the name of the painting been?
She approached a guard. “Excuse me. There is painting of a woman in a field, reaching toward a house. I can’t remember who—”
“Andrew Wyeth,” the man said. “Christina’s World.”
She gaped. “You know every single painting here?”
He laughed and rubbed his nose as if embarrassed. “It’s just that there’s this guy. He’s been coming here every day for the past week. I think he camps outside.”
“Excuse me?” What was he talking about?
“He sits in front of the painting all day. Doesn’t even go to the bathroom or to eat. Here, I’ll take you there.” He grinned. “You’ll see what I mean.”
