by Milly Taiden
***
Agony throbs through me, but I need to open my eyes because a siren is blaring and I want it to stop. Derrick’s face appears and his mouth moves. I know he said he loves me, and a smile forms even though I want to vomit from the pain that’s everywhere. Something’s wrong with my body. Oh, God, something is really wrong. Fear chases me into the dark.
***
When I awake again I don’t want to open my eyes. Bright light is blinding me through my eyelids. A female voice says, “Gretchen, we’re going to fix you up, good as new.”
What? I’m broken? I try to scream, but noise won’t come. The blackness swallows me again as warmth spreads through my body.
***
Whispers tickle my ear and the scent I smell makes me roll toward Derrick. Fuck! Sharp pain in my hip stops my movement. My eyes snap open to his startled face.
“What the hell?” My voice is raspy and my throat hurts. Shit, everything hurts, even my hair.
Derrick says, “Shhh, your throat will heal soon. You were intubated.”
This time I whisper. “Am I in the hospital?” Of course you are, you dumb shit. Why else would you be in a bed with metal rails? Unless this is a kinky new contraption Derrick wants to tie you to. An attempt at laughing comes out, but it hurts my stomach and I squelch it.
“You were hit by a car. Are you in pain?” A persistent beeping makes me want to smack the machine next to me.
“Yes.”
“Here, I just pushed it, but this button dispenses more medication. It won’t let you take too much, so go ahead any time you want. You’ve got the good stuff.” Derrick winks and hands me a lip-balm-shaped implement attached to a cord with a depressible button on the end.
Panic licks at my thoughts. “What’s wrong with me?”
He tells me something about my pelvis and maybe my leg, but I’m confused. I’m trying to process what he said, but I’ve forgotten the beginning by the time he gets to the end.
Feeling like an idiot I say, “I was running.”
“Yes, I was on my way over and got there just before the ambulance. Do you remember any of that?”
“I remember you told me you loved me.”
His hand strokes my face like a whisper. “I did. I’ve never been so scared in my life.”
“I’m not leaving you.” I raise my hand to touch him and wince with the pain.
He grabs my hand and lowers it gently. I say, “I want to kiss you.” It comes out as a whimper, but I haven’t got the energy to squelch my tears.
Derrick leans down and kisses me softly, and when he pulls away a tear rolls down my cheek and he says, “That’s enough for now. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You haven’t.”
“Like hell he hasn’t.” Cooper’s angry voice echoes off the walls as he enters the room. “She’s here because of you.”
I try to remember why he’s mad at Derrick, but it won’t come to me. “Cooper, no.”
“Gretchen, you were running in a snowstorm because of him.”
Derrick speaks, “You need to get the fuck out of here now. I don’t know what you’re talking about, but the last thing Gretchen needs is you yelling.” His words are firm, and I’m trying to understand when my eyes close.
I’m so tired I can’t think. A nurse’s voice fades away and my last thought is New Year’s Eve. I sleep.
This time when I wake I hear my mother. I’m in pain, but don’t want medication. I need to understand what’s happening, and the drugs cloud my ability. “Mom?”
“I’m here, honey. So’s your father.” Her cool fingers stroke my face. “You’re going to be okay. Dad and I were just joking that you can do PT together.”
I’m broken and they fixed me. “What happened to me?”
My father takes my hand and explains that I’m lucky to be alive. My pelvis is broken, my leg shattered and full of metal, and my broken ribs punctured a lung. As he tells me, I realize my chance at the Olympic team this year is gone. My eyes burn with tears, and I don’t bother stopping them.
My mother hands me the pain button, but I don’t take it. I sniff and stop crying. “No, that makes me stupid. Dad, can I have something else?”
“Sure, let me see what we can do about that.”
A soft rap sounds, and Nika says, “Can I come in?”
She has fresh flowers, and I watch her change the ones on my bedside table. She says, “I’m so glad to see you awake.”
She’s been here? My mom excuses herself, and Nika takes her chair. “Your hair’s a mess. Would you like me to comb and braid it for you?”
“Yes, please.”
Nika’s gentle hands lift my head from the pillow to gather my hair. Her floral scent comforts me as she patiently untangles knots with a comb and tells me stories about teaching kids. It’s mindless conversation that makes me feel normal.
She talks about Christmas week in Vail, and how she and Derrick will do it here this year. I’m reminded of New Year’s Eve and something haunts me. “Nika, I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to ask you something.”
“Sure.”
“What does New Year’s Eve mean?”
Her face drops. “That’s when Derrick and I honor my parent’s death. In the past we would go to Vail every Christmas like we used to do as a family, and instead of going out on New Year’s, Derrick and I have a nice dinner and tell stories about when we were little. It’s how we keep them alive.”
“Every year?”
“Yes. Did Derrick already talk to you about this? I know it’ll be weird, but he wants you to be there with us this year. Especially now that he has gotten to know your parents over the last couple days.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know if he asked already, I can’t remember. But, of course I want to be there.” I still don’t understand what the significance of New Year’s is, because this doesn’t ease my anxiety. “I’m sorry, finish your story.”
She stays with me though my bland hospital meal. When I’m done she asks the nurse to bring a basin of hot water and a cloth.
I moan in pleasure when Nika places the moist fabric on my skin. She washes my face, neck and upper chest. Moving on to my arms, she gently massages as she wipes them clean. When that’s done, she removes a bottle of lotion from her bag and rubs it gently into my skin. It’s the floral scent of her, and I breathe it in.
“This feels so glorious. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Derrick’s not the only Hamilton that loves you.” She stands and leans down to place a kiss on my check. “You need sleep. Derrick will be here to see you later.”
Derrick. Date rape. Everything rushes back to me. Cooper’s accusations and why I was running. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. No wonder someone hit me. I went running in the middle of a snowstorm?
Fungi, that’s what Cooper was yelling about. Where’s my phone? I push the call button for the nurse.
CHAPTER 46
Apparently texting from the ICU is frowned upon because the nurse looked at me like I was a morphine junkie when I asked if I could borrow her phone. Fortunately I don’t have to wait long for help.
Casey breezes in like she ran here. “Nika texted me you were awake. Oh my gosh, it’s so good to see you conscious.”
“Do you have your phone?”
“What? No ‘hey, I’m happy to see you too. Sorry I made you think I was going to die.’ Or even a ‘gosh your butt looks good in those jeans?’” She chuckles, but I’m not amused.
“Sorry, but I need to talk to Cooper.”
She sobers and sits in the chair. “Ah, he’s not allowed in here.” She picks up the rose Nika left and sniffs it.
“Why not?” I guess it has something to do with the yelling the other day.
“He totally flipped out on Derrick and blamed him for you being here. He was taken away by security.”
“Case, he had a good reason to flip out. He thinks Derrick date-raped a girl in college. His roommate’s girlfriend.”
; Her green eyes get huge. “No way.” She whispers, “Did he?”
“No. No, of course not. That’s why I need to talk to Cooper. I think I can convince him it wasn’t Derrick.”
“I don’t have his number. Do you know it?” She glances at the monitor that is beeping with my vitals. “That’s really annoying.”
“I know.” I yawn and realize I could fall asleep right now. Casey smoothes out my hair. “You scared me, Gretch. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
I grab her hand and give it a squeeze. “You’re stuck with me for a good long time. Cooper’s number is in my phone on the coffee table, would you text him for me, and tell him that I can prove Derrick didn’t rape that girl?”
“Yeah, sure. That reminds me. Nick showed me the posters. Alien sex is now a thing.” She chuckles.
“What?”
“They made you and Cooper look like aliens, and the caption is ‘Out of This World.’”
I yawn again and struggle to listen. I offer a weak smile.
“There’s also a poster with just you and one with just Cooper. You’re still Poster Gretchen for another year. You look really hot.”
“That should make Derrick happy.”
Casey leans down and gives me a kiss on my cheek. “I’m going to go now and let you sleep.”
“I’m sorry; I can barely keep my eyes open. Casey?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
***
The scent of Derrick makes me smile. He’s here and my warm hand tells me his fingers are wrapped around it. His breath sends a wave of pleasure down my spine when he whispers in my ear and I open my eyes as he says, “Good dream?”
“Good-smelling guy.”
He kisses my neck, and I reach up for his head to pull him closer. “It’s a shame you can’t crawl in here with me.”
“They might kick me out.”
I sigh. “Yeah, and I’m not sure what parts of me can move.”
“You not moving isn’t a problem for me.”
I try not to laugh because it hurts, and grin because that doesn’t.
“Are you hungry?” He pulls a tinfoil lump from his pocket.
“Did you bring me a bagel?” I take it from him. “You do love me.”
I unwrap it, and while it’s no longer warm, I salivate when I smell the garlic. I take the largest bite I can fit into my mouth. I know it shouldn’t, but right now it tastes better than I remembered. The lump rubs against my raw throat going down, but I don’t mind.
“So good.” I realize the last bagel I had was left in Cooper’s car, and I wonder if he’s gotten Casey’s text yet. I also wonder if Derrick knows Cooper thinks he’s a rapist.
As if he’s reading my thoughts Derrick asks, “Do you remember why you went running in a snowstorm?”
“I do. I was angry and upset. Derrick, do you know why Cooper is so mad at you all the time?” I lick cream cheese off the edge of the sandwiched bagel.
His jaw clenches and his eyes darken. “He’s still in love with you, Gretchen.”
I gulp what’s in my mouth. Shitake mushrooms. I hope not, but that’s not what matters right now. “No. Even before you met me, at college.”
He sighs. “The guy has anger issues. I don’t know what his problem is with me.”
My appetite is gone again, and I set the bagel down on the blanket. “I do. Derrick, he thinks you date-raped his roommate’s girlfriend.” His eyes get wide, and before his rage can bubble to the surface, I quickly add, “But I know it’s not true, and I can prove it.”
“What? Why would he make that shit up?” He stands and turns away from me. Pressing his hands down on the ledge beneath the window, he puts his forehead against the glass and I wonder if it’s cold.
“He didn’t, the girl did. But she didn’t make it up, she believes it.”
He turns to me with his brow furrowed and returns to the chair. He drops into it with a thump. “Back up and tell me the whole story.”
“According to Cooper, the girl said she went to a New Year’s Eve party at your fraternity. She woke up in your room, and knew she’d had sex, but didn’t remember a thing.”
“It couldn’t have been me. I always spend New Year’s with Nika.”
“I know, I remember.” I reach for his hand and he grasps my fingers tight.
“I lived in a fraternity for one year, and Paul was my roommate.” His nostrils flare and he lets go of me.
I ask, “Do you think it could have been Paul?”
He closes his eyes and nods before dropping his head to his hands. “He told me he likes complete submission. I thought he meant BDSM. I don’t know. That’s an awful thing to assume about someone, even Paul.”
“I know.”
Derrick trains his eyes on me, and I expect his familiar stare but he speaks. “Did you believe it?”
I reach for his cheek. “No. I was upset because Cooper believed it and was so afraid for me when I knew there was nothing to fear. But I couldn’t remember why I knew it wasn’t true. I was scared of what might happen.”
I huff. “I should probably become a crier like most girls. It’s a lot safer.”
The weight of my injuries settles over me, but I push it off. “When Casey was here earlier I asked her to text Cooper that you couldn’t have raped that girl and I could prove it. But I guess that will have to wait, since he’s not allowed in here.”
Derrick shakes his head. “I get why he would be so protective of you, but I still don’t like the guy.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to.” My lower lip starts to tremble, and tears well up in my eyes. “It’s not like we’ll be training together.” Oh Fudgsicles, I’m going to cry.
Derrick’s chair scrapes over the vinyl floor as he gets as close to me as he can. He leans over and kisses the tears streaming down my cheeks. “Darling, go ahead and cry.”
So I do. Big, heaving sobs that hurt my ribs, and Derrick touches me as best he can. I long to be held, but the warmth of his skin on mine will have to do.
I cry for my lost dream, and fear I won’t be able to run or snowboard again. I cry for things as silly as knowing I’ll get soft and maybe fat. And I cry for the injustice of what happened to the girl, and the rumors about Derrick.
When I’m done, the adoring look in Derrick’s eyes makes me want to cry all over again. He’s seeing my blotchy skin, greasy hair, and ravaged body, and he loves me more than I ever wanted anyone to.
I begin to speak, and I voice all the fears and disappointments that made me cry. He listens with his ears and his heart. And when I’ve shed every bit of armor, I feel lighter and my head is clear. I realize I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and I believe he feels the same way.
I fall asleep with Derrick’s hand clutched in mine and on my chest, over my heart.
CHAPTER 47
In the last four months I’ve learned that physical therapy is no joke, and the pain associated with it would make the old me want to vomit and run. The new me swallows down the nausea and lets an occasional tear fall.
I lower my foot from the air and the burn fades away. Finished with my home exercises, I lay with my muscles trembling on Nika’s yoga mat while I recover. My pelvis healed nicely, and months later most of the metal in my leg has been removed. A few pins were left behind, and I may get to keep them forever.
Cleo licks the salty residue of sweat from my face. Her rough tongue almost tickles, and I scratch her neck. She leans her head back and I stroke her, letting the soft hair slip through my fingers.
It made sense to move in with Nika and Derrick when I came home from the hospital. Both of them switched to part time to take care of me. A bedroom was set up for me in the den on the first floor. But I only use it now as my personal space. I prefer sleeping with Derrick.
I rise up from the floor, and the varnished wood of the coffee table is smooth under my hand as I use it to brace myself to stand. My bad leg is weak from exhaustion, but I can
walk unassisted and revel in the freedom.
I head to the kitchen to top off my cold coffee. My entourage of canines follows my slow trail. The aroma of dark roast fills my senses when I pour a cup. I look over at the one-cup coffee maker Derrick gave Nika for Christmas. She hates it because the coffee is too cold. Derrick uses it while I stick by Nika.
I swirl my coffee and go sit at the table in the breakfast area to stare out over the Rockies. Clouds smear the blue sky, and a pang of longing tugs at me as I recall spring snow under my board.
Next year, I tell myself. I smile thinking about Lyndsey getting a silver medal in Boardercross at the Olympics. Her run was “bat-shit crazy,” and I called to tell her so. Cooper grabbed the phone, and I congratulated him on his medals too.
They’re dating now, and it makes seeing Cooper easier. I’ll never really know if he was still in love with me last fall, and if that was the motivation behind his refusal to believe me about Derrick, even after I told him about Derrick’s annual trip with Nika. But he found a way, and we can laugh together when I see him.
Stroking Jake’s back, he lays his head in my lap while Ollie is sleeping with his paws on my feet. Princess Cleo sighs and rests her chin on the windowsill, waiting for our walk.
I glance at the woods but know I’m not ready. The uneven ground and ice patches are too dangerous for my fragile leg. Instead we walk down the road, and I push myself a little further each day.
I groan like an old woman as I use the table to help me push myself up to a stand. The dogs know what’s coming the moment they hear their collar tags jingle when I remove them from the hook.
