GO – “Seems like a big place, but even a Super Star Destroyer is a pretty small world. Everybody talks about everything. Gossip is probably the third most popular pastime. And most of the guys I know, grew up with, they’re all officers now. Me, I got screwed over. My uncle Kendal…”
JM – “Kendal… Ozzel? Admiral Kendal Ozzel? Was your uncle? You should have mentioned that in your application. I don’t know if we can…”
GO – “Woah, woah, woah! He was my uncle. Past tense. He had put in a good word for me and I was supposed to come in as a supervisor in garbage disposal. Then that jag Vader killed him after that whole ice planet fiasco. Soon as Vader got rid of my uncle, he busted me down to the lowest post on board and had me in sewage. Dark Lord of the Peckerheads! You know that guy waits til he knows we’re down there. We dispatch memos, send out mass communications to detail what sectors we’re working in… there’s signs everywhere… and he’s supposed to have that mojo-jojo hoodoo-juju dark side of the whatever bullshit, right? He knows we’re down there working… I’ve heard him up in his quarters, taking off his suit, chuckling with his helmet still on… kheeee-kho kheeek-kho he-he-he-he kho… then the big jerk shits out a whole Mynock on our heads.”
JM – “You sound quite disgruntled. Still, with such high connections in the…”
GO – “Connections? Only connection I’ve got is washing Vader’s Bantha poodoo out of my hair. One of the guys told me that he specifically requested that they send me into the lower 19th quadrant last week so that he could dump a whole tank of Hutt sludge on me. It’s a nightmare!”
(60 second pause in conversation. Sound of papers shuffled. Primary recording device deactivated.)
(Secondary recorder automatic activation on voice recognition)
JM – “Nepotism isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, is it?”
GO – “Not from where I’ve been wading.”
JM – “You know, my mother put me in this job. She’s the supreme whatever, savior of the universe, blah blah blah… Never shuts up about it. As if I wouldn’t be happier married to some investment banker on Aargau, sneaking off to shop on Cato Neimoidia instead of being stuck out here in a rat-hole in the middle of nowhere.”
GO – “Riiiight… Mothma… I didn’t catch that at first. That must suck, being the daughter of the big shot…”
JM – “I mean, 20 years ago, Mom was a senator, we lived on Coruscant and we had everything! Then she decided to start a rebellion and the whole family has to get dragged around the universe.”
GO – “Exactly! We had, like, 20 servants in our house on Carida. Then my mother married some shifty cloud miner and sent me off to live with my idiot uncle on Shelkonwa. Next thing you know, I’m dumped off at the Imperial Naval Academy and getting my butt kicked by wannabe stormtroopers for the next 5 years. Families suck.”
(Momentary pause in conversation)
GO – “Ah well, we all do what we can. Can I ask you something?”
JM – “Why not.”
GO – “Vader’s had a bug up his ass about some kid named Skykicker or Cloudtalker or something… Is it true that it’s his son? I guess the Emperor is absolutely furious over this kid blowing up the Death Star and Vader’s ass is on the line… big time!”
JM – “Is it now? I hadn’t heard that story. I hear about him all the time. Of course it’s all I ever hear from that stuck-up bitch Leia Organa. Luke this, Luke that… blerrrrgh. Mr. Dreamy! Enough already. Y’know?”
GO – “Oh yeah, it’s all the officers talk about lately. You’d think it was the Geonosian gladiator games or something. It’s ridiculous. Though it is nice to think that somebody is giving that shovel-headed A-hole some grief.”
JM – “Well, let’s get something on paper before we get carried away trading secrets, shall we?”
(Primary recording device re-activated)
JM - “Everything seems in order here, Mr. Ozzel. You’ll start in drainage and waterworks on our secret base on Clak’dor VII, in the Colu system, Mayagil sector…”
GO – “Aren’t all the bases ‘secret’?”
(Shared laughter)
JM – “You’ll be at pay level 7 and receive standard benefits and leave time. Just sign here.”
GO – “I just wish I could see the look on the ol’ Dark Lord’s face when he see’s my resignation notice on his desk…”
JM – “You didn’t…”
GO – “Oh no, I didn’t mention anything to anyone about this. Just left him a little present. Courtesy of his Gamorrean pals…”
(Giggling)
JM – “You are terrible! That is just nasty! Remind me not to get on your bad side, Mr. Ozzel.”
GO – “I told you, call me Gene.”
JM – “Well, thanks for coming in Gene, it was very nice to meet you. Glad we can get you out from under the Empire’s… thumb.”
(Shared laughter)
(Primary recording device deactivated. Interview terminated.)
*** STAR WARS and its characters and terminology are TM & © Lucasfilm Ltd.
This work of fiction is intended purely as satire.***
About the author:
Axel Howerton is usually described, in order of import, as: Badass Dad. Attendant Hubby. Author. Film/Music/Book reviewer. Coffee Addict. Ovalteen. Time Lord. Bookhouse Boy. Dudeist. Sox National. Ink Monkey.
Best known for his work as an entertainment journalist, Axel is the former long-time Managing Editor of www.eyecrave.net, where he is still a contributor and general pain-in-the-ass. Axel also recently acted as Associate Editor for the first four issues of the horror fiction quarterly Dark Moon Digest, and is the co-founder of the annual online horror-author "fest" Coffin Hop. His story Hum is featured in the anthology A Career Guide To Your Job In Hell, alongside the likes of Scott Phillips, Robert Vardeman and Victor Milan. Axel is currently working on several projects for various anthologies and magazines, as well as putting the finishing touches on his novel, Hot Sinatra, which will be released in 2012. He is Editor-in-Chief of the upcoming Coffin Hop 2012 anthology, and has a dark fantasy/sci-fi project in the works with Red Tash, author of This Brilliant Darkness.
Axel spends most of his time in Calgary, Alberta, braving the frigid tundra, and rampaging sasquatch tribes, of Canada – usually two steps behind his two brilliant young sons and a wife that is way out of his league.
Connect with Axel online:
Twitter: @AxelHow
Goodreads: www.goodreads.com/axel_howerton
Smashwords: www.smashwords.com/profile/view/AxelHowerton
Amazon: www.amazon.com/Axel-Howerton
Facebook: www.facebook.com/Thee.Axel.Howerton
Or visit him at www.axelhowerton.com
COMING SOON
Smashwords Edition:
April, 2012
An Iniquitous Tomes Book
Copyright © 2012 Axel Howerton
Cover art by Eye Crave Productions © 2011
Visit the author on the web at www.axelhowerton.com
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person,please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy.
Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Living Dead at Zigfreidt & Roy
(Originally published in a different form as “Blood on the Strip” in Dark Moon Digest #3, 2011)
© 2011 Axel Howerton
His Dark Flag
(Originally published on Every Writers Resource: Short Stories, December 2011)
© 2011 Axel Howerton
Henry Rollins and the Better Butter Bacon Burger
© 2011 Axel Howerton
Rosie's Chicken & Biscuits
(Originally published on Fires on the Plain, Apri
l 2012)
© 2012 Axel Howerton
Dark Side of the Flush
© 2009 Axel Howerton
Living Dead at Zigfreidt & Roy Page 4
