“Why didn’t you pursue it?”
“And add to New York’s fine collection of starving artists?” She rested one arm on the sill. “I’ve seen it, Ethan. Too many kids, wasting their lives chasing stars. Some dreams are meant to stay buried. At least here, they’re safe.”
He inched toward her. “From what?”
“From everything.”
Did she honestly believe that? “Without risk, there’d be no art.”
She brushed off his comment. “You sound like Ti.”
“She’s brighter than she lets on.”
“You noticed that, huh?” She laughed softly. “Music was always an anchor for us growing up. Like a safety zone in the midst of chaos.” She lowered her head. “I honestly never wanted to pursue it as a career. I was just afraid of losing it altogether.” Moonlight draped across a pensive expression and filled her pause.
Of all the things he wanted to say, nothing came out.
She looked up and studied him, eyes soft and genuine. “How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
“Live without fear.”
Was she joking? He rubbed a knuckle over his cheek. “I think you’ve got the wrong guy.”
“No, I’m serious. You meet life head-on, always finding the best in things. You see people’s potential, even when they can’t.” She pushed off the sill. “How are you able to do that?”
The wooden floorboards held his gaze as Izzy’s face flooded his mind. Her unshakable smile. Her optimistic spirit. Her unassuming compassion.
A long inhale raised his head. “Because someone once did the same for me.”
Cass’s lips parted slowly, but she didn’t speak. Her chest rose and fell with a breath he could almost feel. Without saying a word, she led him to a bunk bed in the middle of the room and gestured for him to sit.
His already-sprinting heart took off in double time when she lingered in front of him.
“Wait here.”
As if he could move even if he wanted to.
This wasn’t good. Being in a place that was so intimate and personal to her. The way she was opening up to him. After just finding out about her dad, on top of the stress of getting this place ready to sell, she obviously needed a friend. Someone she could feel safe with. And God knew he wanted to be that person, but he only had so much strength.
She disappeared into the shadows and came back with a guitar in hand. Seated on the bed opposite him, she spread the sheet music on the mattress and strummed a few chords.
The longer she played, the deeper she seemed to connect with the music, as if the sound transported her back to the moment she wrote it.
“Home, so far, don’t leave me now. Pain, so near, I don’t know how. To find where time stops and I begin. So, pause the sun, breathe deep and long. Hold on before the moment’s gone.”
She wasn’t exaggerating about the acoustics in here. But the sound wasn’t what mesmerized him. Or even a young girl’s honest lyrics. It was the woman before him. The woman, igniting something inside him he didn’t fully understand.
All he knew was if he stayed any longer, his heart would win the battle over resolve, no matter the casualties.
“I’m tired of this sting, tired of being alone. So, take this blank page and write me, write me home.” She ended the song but kept the guitar close a little longer.
Her fingers drifted down the face of the wood to her lap, her gaze following. “There’s some stuff going on with my mom. And then finding out about my dad’s payments. I don’t know. I just wanted to get away from it all for a few minutes. Music used to help me do that. Like a home I could always run to from a world of instability.”
“I can see why. That song was amazing.” And so was she.
She rested the guitar against the bed, curved a strand of hair around her ear, and slowly found his eyes. “I’ve never played those songs for anyone.”
“Why me?” The words hardly came out.
She didn’t lower her gaze. “Because you make it safe to feel again.”
His heartbeat thudded against his ribcage with longing. It was more than attraction. But the burning desire to sweep her onto this mattress was part of the same love keeping him from moving. He couldn’t do anything to risk losing the safety she felt with him.
She lifted off the bed and wandered toward the window again.
He craned his head back, blew out a hard breath, and counted to ten before joining her. Just because he was losing his heart, didn’t mean he could ask for hers.
She stashed her hands in her back pockets and bit her bottom lip. “You work so hard, Ethan. I want to make sure you know how much I appreciate you.” She pulled some papers from her pocket and handed them to him.
He unfolded two printed-off tickets to a Broadway show. In the city.
“It’s on a weeknight.” She nudged him in the shoulder and laughed. “Aren’t you proud? I’m learning to let my hair down. Be spontaneous.”
Memories of the night Izzy died throbbed behind his eyes, pulse pounding in his ears.
Smile lost, she took the tickets right back. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have thought . . .”
That he was falling in love with her? That he wanted to be anywhere with her? ‘Cause he did. Anywhere but the city. Anywhere but the past that haunted him.
He couldn’t meet her eyes. “I’m sorry, Cass.”
“Don’t be.” She returned them to her pocket. “I’ll give them to Ti. Lord knows she’s been dying for a dance with city life again.”
The forced lightness in her tone didn’t hide the hurt beneath it. She couldn’t possibly understand his reaction, and he didn’t want her to. He wanted to hide that part of his life and shield her from his failures.
She fidgeted in front of him. The outside light flickered over the disappointment and confusion in her eyes until he couldn’t stand it.
Heart taking over, he pulled her into his arms. Everything inside him melded into a kiss less cautious than their first. Against her softness, desire escalated. He forced his lips to slow and linger against hers. But he wasn’t ready to let go, wasn’t sure he had the strength to. “Cass . . .”
A gentle touch to his face brought her closer instead of away. At her response, an ache seized him. He couldn’t hold her tight enough. His lips skimmed her cheek to the skin below her ear.
Her heart raced against his chest, each beat echoing the words she’d shared about her past hurts. He couldn’t add to them. Not when she finally trusted him.
Finding strength outside himself, he rested his forehead to hers, breath raspy. “I’m sorry.”
She pushed back slightly and studied him, like she was trying to piece together a puzzle.
Would she understand? “I should go.” Still cupping the base of her neck, he kissed her cheek. “Self-control isn’t one of my superpowers.” He looked away, too afraid her green eyes would make him stay.
Outside, the cool air slammed into his overheated body, but it wasn’t enough. He needed wind, speed. He jogged to his bike, hit the pavement, and prayed the open road would let him escape himself. One more time.
chapter seventeen
Release
Cass scrubbed around the base of the shower stall in the bathhouse, hands and knees pressed against the cold tiles. Disinfectant fumes had plagued her all morning, but not as much as confusion about Ethan had.
Maybe she’d been misreading him. Sometimes, she would’ve sworn they’d been best friends for as long as she and Ti had. The effortless camaraderie, the playful banter, the honest conversations—all of it.
Then there were times like last night. The way he’d held her, kissed her. He couldn’t fake that, could he? But why’d he back off?
She chucked the scrub brush into the bucket, pushed it away, and stared at her raw fingernails. What was she doing, slaving in here at the crack of dawn? Cleaning might change her surroundings, but the stains inside her never left. She should know that by now.
She pull
ed herself up as always, adjusted her bandana with her wrist, and looked the place over. It was as good as it was going to get.
Outside, the misty morning kept the quiet property covered in shadows. This early, Sandy was likely still asleep by the canteen. No way Ti was up yet, and who knew where Ethan was. Had he even come home last night? Or was he still out somewhere, trying to figure out how to redraw the lines she’d blurred between them?
All the questions swirled around her stomach with an answer she should’ve realized sooner. After everything she’d told him, he was probably confusing sympathy for affection.
Of course he ran away. He might’ve been attracted to her physically, but he was too nice of a guy to take advantage of her. And she never should’ve put him in a position to make that call to begin with.
Her chest caved at the thought. He’d been a good friend to her. The least she could do was let him off the hook for more.
Ahead, the door to the boatshed rocked open in the wind. A breeze rushed over her but might as well have cemented her feet to the ground. Spouting off the conversation in her head was one thing. Actually having it with Ethan was another.
She pulled off her bandana, shook out her hair, and picked at the knot as she walked. No point in trying to subdue the frizzed-poodle-look in this weather. At least it might give them something to laugh about. Maybe they could forget last night happened and go back to being friends.
Shoving down her nerves, she approached the doorway. “Ethan, I . . .”
The bandana fell to the ground, her heart right after it. Splintered pieces of smashed canoes covered the floor, other canoes and gear missing. The musty scent closed in on her. She gripped the trim. Not the boathouse.
“Cass?” Ethan called from up the hill. “I know you need your space, but can we talk about last night? I don’t want you to think—” Right behind her, he almost dropped the can of lacquer in his hand. “What happened?”
Heart pounding, she turned. “You tell me.”
Confusion raked down his face. “I locked up last night. I swear.” He set the can on the ground and examined the lock. “I double-checked everything.”
“There’s no forced entry. Did you leave the key out somewhere?”
“Of course not.” He wrangled his keys from his pocket. “They’ve never left my side.”
She coiled the bandana around her fingers, thoughts circling. It didn’t make sense, unless someone got close enough to him without his noticing. The possibility wrung around her as tightly as the fabric cutting off her circulation.
“Did you go to Jenni’s last night?”
“What?”
Steeling herself, she looked up. “Jenni showed up with a canoe the other day, so she’d obviously have an interest in all this gear. Not to mention motive, if she’s not over you.”
She dropped her gaze, not wanting to see if the feeling was mutual. “And if her dad owns a pest control business, would it be a stretch to think she came up with the idea to dump those roaches in the shower hall?”
“Uh, yeah, actually. A huge stretch. You can’t honestly think she’s involved.” He arched an unconvinced brow. “She may resort to a lot of things, but vandalism isn’t one of them.”
“Just because we want to believe things about someone doesn’t mean they’re true.” Head down, she hurried through the door. Away from what she wanted to believe herself.
“Cass, wait. Can we please talk about all this?” He reached her side. “I didn’t go to Jenni’s last night. And I never let the keys out of my sight. I promise.” He lifted her chin until she had no choice but to face the disappointment coloring his eyes. “I’d never hurt you like that.”
His heart-wrenching honesty piled onto her regret for thinking he would. She released a long breath. “I’m sorry. You’re right. We’re both stressed, trying to make things happen that obviously aren’t.”
She treaded up the hill. Maybe with some distance, she could get a handle on her emotions.
“Trying to make things happen?” He followed. “What are you talking about?”
Already ahead of him, she turned, business mode back in place. Like it always should’ve been. “Please take pictures and send them to Deputy Harris. I’ll call the insurance agent.”
“Wait. Cass, don’t shut me out.”
What else could she do? It’d be easier for them both.
Her cell rang from her pocket. She glanced from the screen to Ethan. “I’m sorry.” She turned, pushed up the slope, and answered. “Cassidy McAdams.”
“Wow, that bad, huh?” Nick asked.
She stuffed the bandana in her pocket. “What is?”
“You’ve got enough stress in your voice to give yourself a migraine.”
Was she that readable? “It’s nothing. Just business stuff.”
“Well, whatever it is, it sounds like a good reason for a night out. I’m leaving Manhattan now. Just crossed the George Washington. I should be back in plenty of time for dinner. What do you say?”
She stopped beside the mess hall. “I need to work.”
“A drink, then?”
She looked at Ethan, taking pictures of the damage she still didn’t know who’d caused. “I really shouldn’t.”
“Because of DeLuca?”
“Excuse me?”
A horn honked in the background. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re not his type. I mean that as a compliment. You’re intelligent, conscientious—”
“Boring?”
He laughed. “I was going to say responsible.”
Even worse. Was that all she was? The truth of it sent one realization chasing another. Nick had better add naive to that list. She’d opened up to Ethan these past few days, shown him more of herself than she did to anyone.
And he pulled away.
As much as he was drawn to a lost cause, he probably took one look at the real her and realized gluing her broken pieces back together wasn’t worth the effort. She never should have expected him to want to get involved with someone this damaged.
And if that weren’t bad enough, then she pulled the jealous girlfriend card, accusing Jenni of trashing the place. She dropped her forehead to her hand. The whole situation couldn’t get any more humiliating. “Thanks for the compliment.”
“Aw, don’t be upset. All I’m trying to say is he’s not worth it.”
The knot in her neck tensed. “Not worth what?”
“Whatever he has you worked up about.”
“I’m not worked up.” If her voice stopped shaking, it might’ve been believable. “And I don’t mean to be rude, but this is really none of your business.” Okay, maybe that was rude.
His pause stretched. “You’re right. I just don’t want to see you get your heart broken. That’s all.”
Ethan’s glance swept toward her from down the hill. She averted her gaze and scuffed her shoe against the rock propping open the mess hall’s side door. “In order to break my heart, he’d have to have it first.”
“He doesn’t?”
Why had she said anything? She couldn’t answer him. Not truthfully.
He breathed into the phone. “At least be on your guard. The guy couldn’t get out of Haven’s Creek fast enough when he left. Don’t you think it’s weird he’s back, working at that camp for free? If he’s got some kind of ulterior motive, I don’t want to see you get hurt in the process.”
Her insides flinched. She released her balled-up fingers and the thought. No, Ethan wasn’t Jesse. He might not want to be with her, but he wouldn’t try to con her. “I know you two have history, but he’s a good guy, Nick.” Better than she deserved.
An exhale seeped through his end of the line. “For your sake, I really hope you’re right. If not, I’ll be here when you need me.” He hung up, but Cassidy didn’t move.
Ethan plodded around the opposite side of the main building. Away from her.
Jumbled emotions from this week latched on to ones from her past until it was h
ard to breathe. Memories pressed in and launched her forward.
She ran. Down the hill, past the shower hall, through the pain. Once her sneakers hit the pavement, she pushed even harder but couldn’t block out the voices pounding her thoughts, one after the other.
“You’re not his type.” Nick’s words bled into Jesse’s. “If you knew how to have fun, I wouldn’t have to go searching for it with someone else.”
Images of Mom’s comatose stare shadowed her voice. “If we were good enough, Dad wouldn’t have left. Don’t ever give a man a reason to leave. You hear me?”
“Always the responsible one.” Ti’s singsong tone rang against the wind.
Memories kept blaring until a car horn overpowered them. An SUV came into focus directly ahead. Jarred back to the present, she skirted along the mountainside as the vehicle swerved past her. A ring of sweat soaked into the top of her shirt, frustration seeping through her pores.
She slapped her palms on the rocks, hating that they were right. All of them. She’d kept herself too guarded to be spontaneous, too afraid to risk letting anyone in. She’d pretended to be strong all her life. Hid behind responsibility, worked to prove her worth. But all she’d ever been was scared.
Fingers tight, she shut out every other noise, wanting to escape it all, but Ethan’s voice wouldn’t let her. Even in a whisper, it held her against the mountainside. “Who are you trying to be?”
Tears coated her cheeks with the answer she hadn’t stopped chasing since Dad left. Someone worth loving. That was all she’d ever wanted to be.
The weight of missing the mark slumped her shoulders down the face of the rocks. If she were as confident and carefree as Ethan and Ti, would that change?
Another car passed by and stirred up a gust of wind and even more thoughts. The vehicle drifted out of view, leaving a hushed stillness over the street.
From the opposite edge of the road, the creek’s steady current echoed up the cliff and rippled over her with reminders of how often she’d stayed behind while other campers had fun.
Not anymore. If she wanted to start living without fear and restraint, now was the time. She pushed off the wall and didn’t slow until she reached the camp.
Write Me Home Page 16
