by Davida Lynn
Alana put her hand on my cheek. I tried to turn away, but she grabbed my jaw and made me face her. “Fine. If the cops aren’t going to do anything, you know what you need to do, right?”
“What does she need to do?”
“Heaven, it’s best if you stay out of this. The less you know, the better.” Alana gave her the stare that said, trust us.
Heaven threw her hands up. “I don't want to get mixed up in whatever dumb shit you’ve got going on, Charity. You and Princess have fun going up against a cop with a demented mind. Best of luck to you both.” Heaven had been around a long time. I was sure she’d seen it all.
I hadn’t seen it all, and I didn’t particularly want to. I just wanted to survive one man.
Tanner’s car came into my head, and I panicked. I thought Jason might have followed me, and if that was the case, I feared he’d trash it. Alana helped me pack my bag, and I headed out the backdoor of the club with the worst thoughts in my head.
If Jason did anything to Bruce, it was a death sentence for sure. I did a quick walk around, but didn’t see anything wrong with the car. Jason must not have followed me. I expected something worse to be carved into the hood, or broken tail lights, or something even worse than that. I breathed a sigh of relief.
The thought occurred to me that if I did anything to the Boss Mustang and said it was Jason, my problems would be quickly and ruthlessly solved. I stood in front of the beast of a car, deciding if I wanted to destroy it and lie to Tanner to ensure that my dirty work got done. With the keys to the car in my hand, I stood at a crossroads.
The problem with Jason was growing worse by the day, and I knew Tanner wouldn’t hesitate to bring the hurt down on someone, even if it was a cop, but that meant lying to him. I already am, I heard myself say. I was already deceiving him. I didn’t like him. I was using him. I fucked him and loved it, but that was it.
I hung my head as I stood there. I’d forgotten about Jason, about the fear, about anything but that day with Tanner. I’d been lying to myself. I did like Tanner. There was something about him that drove me crazy, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was getting under my skin in the best way.
I threw my bag in the passenger’s seat and fired up the monster of a car. The back wheels spit gravel as I got onto the road and sped the entire way to Tanner’s house. I had to see him. I had to explain it all to him.
The Mustang screamed through Bakersfield as I retraced my drive from his house. I had to see him. My conscience was crushing me.
Not long after I hit the road, a storm unleashed hell. I looked all over the dashboard at a red light, searching for the wipers. I finally spotted the knob left of the steering wheel and pulled it out.
I drove on much slower than I would have liked. As I pulled in front of Tanner’s house, I almost slammed on the brakes. Harvey was sitting in the driveway, but there was another car next to it preventing me from pulling in.
I stopped across the street from Tanner’s house and looked inside. My heart shattered at the sight. A woman was laughing just inside the living room window. She was a tall, skinny blonde wearing a leather vest. I had no doubt it was Tanner’s. Before I realized what I was doing, my heart took over, and I sped away from his house.
Flashes of lightning lit up the road, and more rain fell, but even the wipers couldn't clear my vision. The fact that I had no reason to be hurt only made things worse. I knew it was my emotions getting the better of me, but I hurt like never before. To think of Tanner with another woman made the tears fall harder, and I finally had to fess up. I did care for him.
Fuck. Nice job, Jenny. It was the one thing you forbid yourself from doing.
As I wiped away the tears, I drove on through the stormy night. I knew I wasn’t heading home, but beyond that, I had no idea. At a stop sign, I threw the car into park as the rain fell.
I pulled my phone out and scrolled through the contacts. Alana came up near the top. I knew I should call her. She’d invite me over so I wouldn't have to be alone. I knew that was the best idea. I knew it, but I didn’t do it.
I scrolled through my contacts. Alana was the first one I spotted. I knew what she would say. She would tell me that emotion had nothing to do with it. It was all about protection and my safety. It was about looking out for number one.
I got so angry at myself. I tried so, so hard to keep myself on solid ground. It was a desperate move, and I don’t think anyone would have faulted me for it, but there was something about Tanner. Something about him had broken through my walls. It became much more than protection.
I knew that if I called her, I’d get an earful, and I wasn’t in the mood for it. I was angry, hurt, and confused. She didn't deal well with weakness. I kept scrolling. The next name I came to from the club was Elaine.
Elaine wouldn't understand. She would want me to call the police. The police...Jason. I stopped and stared at his name. Why hadn’t I deleted it?
Don't do it, I told myself.
Did I listen?
Of course I didn’t.
I could almost hear the smile on his face when he answered. “Charity, I’m... I’m stunned that you called me.”
It always pissed me off that he called me by my stripper name, and at that moment, it only added to my anger. Jason was the only one I thought I could call, and he was going to get an earful.
I sucked back the tears. “Shut up, Jason. You have no idea how pissed off I am. At myself, at you. I don't even know where to start.”
“What’s wrong?” It wasn’t concern in his voice, but caution. He was ever vigilant; not about my feelings, but about going after the reason behind them. Why comfort me when he could just arrest someone instead? Still, it was better than nothing.
“Just a bad fuckin’ night. It’s been only bad nights since I met you. You realize how much you've fucked up my life, or do you not care at all? Are you so selfish that you can’t see that? You have made me fear absolutely everything, but you are too much of a selfish asshole to even see that. All you care about is your goddamn ego.”
I was panting, crying, and I didn’t care. It was cathartic to scream at Jason. Alot of my frustration at Tanner was coming out, but it was all just as relevant to my ex.
“Hey, hey, calm down. I’m worried about you. Look, I know I fucked up, but I just didn't want to lose you. Let me apologize.” He was using his de-escalation voice.
“Fine, then. Fucking apologize.” I wiped the tears away and looked in all directions, but no one was coming up to the fourway.
“Let me do it in person. I owe you that much. How long until you could be here?” There was too much cheer in his voice, but I was still furious. The temptation of screaming at him in person was too great.
I looked around in confusion. He was completely delusional, but I wanted to vent in person. I wanted that win. “I don't know. Ten minutes?”
“Ten minutes it is. See you then.”
I held the phone to my ear long after the call disconnected. As I sat in the gas station parking lot, I wiped the tears from my cheeks. I hated myself for what I’d let happen. Screaming it out had helped, but I wasn’t done. I had only begun letting out my fear and frustration at Jason. Tanner had betrayed me. He had betrayed my idea of him. I couldn’t be mad at him, but I could sure as hell be mad at Jason.
I dropped the Mustang back into gear and headed to Jason’s house.
A little more than ten minutes later, I was outside of his place. I pulled the Mustang in behind his unmarked car and killed the engine. I sucked back more tears as my heart raced. I knew it was probably a bad idea to see Jason, but I knew nothing would happen. I’d say my piece, then go home and drown my sorrows with a glass of wine. With my head on the steering wheel, I tried to talk myself out of it, but all the evidence and history wasn’t enough to stop me.
I opened the door and sprinted to the side door with a small awning. Twenty feet to the door was enough to soak me through to my bones. I shook off what water I could and
opened the screen door.
Jason was standing
He looked me up and down. I was sure I was a real looker in my soaking t-shirt. His gaze made it back to my eyes. “You look like you could use a drink.”
He was leaning against the counter, a glass of dark liquid in his hand. It was probably bourbon, his drink of choice. As much as I didn’t want any handouts, my hands were shaking and I needed something to calm my nerves.
Without meeting his eyes, I nodded. “I could, actually.”
He handed the glass to me and I downed it in one gulp. I normally didn't drink, and I wasn’t planning on staying long, but I needed something to calm me or distract me, or something.
It burned, and I coughed up and shook my head as the hot liquid coated my throat. “Jesus.”
“So what was that phone call all about?” My fury rose, again. Jason sounded like he had no idea what was going on. He gave me a sideways smile as he leaned against the counter. To him, I was just upset about losing a parking space or missing a phone call. The bourbon didn't do the trick, because Jason was an even bigger asshole than I had imagined.
I stared at him, “Are you serious? You really don't know what you did wrong? What you are still doing wrong?” I was dumbfounded. My fists were balled, and I wanted to bang them against the island between him and I.
“Look, I know things aren't great between us, but I’ve been trying to fix them, but you are completely off the rails, Charity.”
“Oh my god,” I couldn't believe what I was hearing. “There is no us. Do you not get that? We broke up months ago. Everything you’ve done since then has been straight up harassment. You can’t even call me by my real name.”
“Charity, I’m just trying to figure-”
I threw my hands up, “See? You can’t do it. Say my real name.”
“What is this about?”
“You can’t do it.” I shook my head and stared down at my feet, “You are so obsessed with the character I play on stage. My name is Jenny.”
Jason was actually shaking his head. I couldn't believe him. I was so furious. He took a step towards me, “Look, can we just talk about this? I don't want you to go.”
I moved towards the door, but my feet felt unsteady. “No, we can’t.” I looked around in confusion. The bourbon wasn’t that strong, and I wouldn't have hit me that fast. “I need ta go.” I tried to lift my hand to push open the screen door, but my hand felt as if it weighed twice as much.
“What’s happng?” Fear gripped me, and I turned back to see Jason smiling at me. “You sombitch.”
I tried to stay on my feet. The sound of the rain faded, as did the kitchen light. Blackness swelled up and engulfed me.
I opened my eyes with a start to see Jason grinning over me. His eyes had changed, and my heart thundered its warning inside my chest. I realized that I’d made a huge mistake. I looked around. My movements were slow, and I couldn’t quite focus on anything. Trying to pull my hands away did nothing. Looking up, I saw cuffs on them, looped through Jason’s headboard. The metal rattled and dug into my skin when I tried to pull. It hit me that he had drugged me, and I was trapped in his bedroom. The cold reality washed over me. My clothes were gone.
“Shh, shh. Don’t try and fight. You're not going anywhere.” I saw the devil in Jason’s eyes. He had me captured, and all the horrible memories flooded back to me, and panic hit me like a ton of bricks.
“Jason! Let me go!” I cried out, realizing that I didn’t have the strength to free myself. He only smiled down at me as if my words meant nothing. “Jason! I didn’t mean it. He’s no one! It’s nothing! Leave Tanner alone!”
I had said Tanner’s name without even thinking about it. Jason’s veins were throbbing. I’d never seen him angrier. His eyes were full of fire.
I looked up at Jason with a look of absolute terror. “Jason?” I tried to ask. Before I could get an answer, he swung. The blackness closed in, and I was out.
I floated in the darkness. Occasional winds of warmth and cold would wash over my body. I spun in a slow circle, trying to figure out what had happened. Jason had trapped me. I knew that much. It was my fault. I knew that, too, but didn't want to admit it to myself.
I tried to shake myself from the darkness. I knew I was asleep, and I needed to wake myself and escape. I screamed inside the dark clouds. I ordered myself awake. Nothing worked. I was stuck in this dim purgatory.
I thought of Alana. I thought of her warnings and her friendship. I realized that I should have run to her, but in that moment, I thought Jason was the only one who could make me feel better. Even Ellen or Heaven would have helped me, but instead I went back to the abusive ex that had me slipping into panic attacks and living in constant fear.
I closed my eyes and floated on, swimming in regret, but feeling calm. Then that serenity shattered like glass on the wrong end of a bullet.
I woke with a fright and shot straight up in bed—or I would have, if my hands weren't still cuffed to the headboard. It was dark in the room, but I could see faint light through the curtains. Twilight or dawn? Night or morning? I had no idea. I could see a light coming from under the door. My cheek throbbed, and I couldn’t even imagine how swollen it was.
I tried to get my heartbeat under control. I felt sweat on my brow. I felt it stinging a cut on the side where Jason had hit me. The panic couldn’t set in; it couldn't. I was naked, and the air was cold. Goosebumps covered my skin. I slid my body up the bed toward my hands.
Each movement made the cuffs dig into my skin. They were on tight, and I could feel the rawness around my wrists. It had been a while, and I’d fought. I knew that much. I tried to listen for a TV, or maybe Jason talking on the phone, but the house was silent as the grave.
I shook. It was partly from the cold, but it was also from the fear. I had been foolish to run to Jason. I had been foolish to fall for Tanner. I didn’t ever want to see him again, even though that thought made my heart sink further. I had royally screwed myself by not playing the game like Ellen had told me. I got involved. It had changed from business to something more the second that I saw him in that different light.
I sat there in Jason’s bed, hating myself more and more for not thinking clearly. My anger at Tanner had completely taken me over, and I didn’t know who I hated more, Jason or myself. Either way, I was trapped in Jason’s bedroom, and Tanner had no idea where I was. I hung my head and remained there until I heard footsteps and perked up. My heart went into overdrive as the doorknob turned.
When it opened, the light flashed in my eyes and blinded me. I shut them and turned away. I heard the switch flick on and saw the light glowing through my lids. Jason chuckled.
“Guess I shoulda warned you, sorry. Anyway, I brought you some food. If you’re good, I’ll even feed it to you.”
I turned my head away, shielding my body as best as I could. “Jason…” My voice was gravelly. How long had I been out? “Jason, just let me go.”
That cold chuckle again, filled with the knowledge that he had all the power. “Charity, why would I do that? I just got you back. I can't let you go. I’ve been a wreck waiting for a moment like this. It’s gonna take some time to get that other man outta your stupid brain, but I got time.”
I peeked through my good eye, letting it adjust slowly. The other one didn’t want to open more than a slit. Jason stood at the foot of the bed watching me. He wore jeans and a black t-shirt, looking like it was just another ordinary day. He didn't look attractive or sexy or even human. He looked like pure evil.
“Jason, you can’t do this—whatever this is.” I sounded meek, but I had no other sound. Besides my words, there was nothing I could do. “Just let me go, and we can talk about this.”
