by Laura Bates
It’s a call to arms to which the UK should be first to respond. This isn’t to suggest that every boy is part of the problem. Indeed, many men will experience violence and assault themselves. Rather, it’s about the radical idea that men and boys have the opportunity to be part of the change, within a society that needs to see a dramatic cultural shift in the very idea of what it means to be a man.
Again and again, when incidents of sexual violence are reported, society blames the victim. We hear countless calls to warn girls: don’t wear a short skirt, don’t go out late at night, don’t walk alone, and yet the rapes and assaults continue. Because contrary to popular belief, it isn’t the victims that cause them at all. It’s time we started educating boys.
Originally published 30 May 2014
THE MEN WHO HELP FIGHT BACK AGAINST EVERYDAY SEXISM
On the eve of International Women’s Day, Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka, the UN under-secretary general, penned a powerful and rousing open letter urging men and boys to stand alongside women in the fight for gender equality. Highlighting the new UN Women HeForShe campaign, she outlined the practical reasons why working to eradicate sexism is in everybody’s interest – from strengthening economies to reducing world hunger. She also appealed to men to recognize that gender inequality impacts on those nearest and dearest to them – their mothers, sisters, friends and daughters. But, most importantly, she pointed out that standing up for gender equality is quite simply the right thing to do.
The following morning, my first tweet about celebrating International Women’s Day was met immediately with a predictable reply from a male tweeter: ‘When’s national men’s day?’ But before I could respond, one of my male followers jumped in: ‘I know, right??? When’s MY day? Why isn’t every day about me? A whole day! Once a year! Where will it end?’ In a second tweet, he continued: ‘Also it’s November the 19th. That took a second on Google. BUT THESE BLOODY WOMEN, EH?’ Without for one moment disparaging the importance of International Men’s Day, which focuses on issues such as men’s and boys’ health, gender equality and positive male role models, I appreciated the support from a male ally who was prepared to stand alongside us in defending the importance of International Women’s Day.
Since starting the Everyday Sexism Project two years ago, I’ve heard from many men about their own unique, personal ways of standing up to sexism. One had written to the chairman of his football club to protest the violent misogyny in the regular chants he heard at matches. Another, after reading the website and realizing the serious impact street harassment has on many victims, chased after the next man he saw shouting at women in the street, tapped him on the shoulder, and asked him: ‘Why did you do that?’
One man wrote: ‘I am a 22-year-old male. I cannot stop reading this website . . . More and more I find myself calling out men when they make these comments. It isn’t easy, and one instance will not change their behaviour. However, I think it does make a difference . . . Will encourage other men to stop this behaviour when they see it.’ Another said: ‘I have been ridiculed many times for speaking up about it, but now I know I am not alone I will be speaking up a lot more.’ In that spirit of solidarity, this week on Twitter we asked our followers to share their stories of men standing up against sexism, to celebrate them, and more importantly to encourage others to do the same.
Some people suggested that it was wrong to celebrate instances of men standing up to sexism, when this should be the bare minimum of what we expect. But while I agree that simply not being sexist should absolutely be the norm, the act of taking a public stand against discrimination, of loudly calling it out, of challenging your peers, or stepping in when witnessing public harassment, is not always easy and deserves to be celebrated. Yes, some of these actions are minor, but the whole point of Everyday Sexism is that much of what we are fighting is apparently ‘minor’ – it is insidious and ingrained, and the smallest acts can start the vital shift we need to combat it. Just as the mosaic of Everyday Sexism is made up of tiny pinpricks, so too the solution can consist of joining the tiniest of dots. And though, as feminist activists, we think about these things all the time and it is easy to become frustrated when others are slower to react, for many people even the very act of becoming aware of gender inequality can be a major paradigm shift, let alone beginning to take steps towards combating it.
If we are to be pragmatic about creating the real change we want to see, we should encourage these actions. Take the high school teacher who spent a class explaining some of the vital facts underlying gender inequality to his students. Yes, this might seem a relatively simple act but if every teacher did the same thing, it would be an enormous step in the right direction. The same principle of scale could be applied to many of the tweets we received.
‘Guy at a hotel gave me “that look” and said: “Helloooo” to me. His friend said: “Don’t be a dick” – need more guys like that.’
‘My husband always challenges sexism. He doesn’t want our daughter experiencing some of the things I have.’
‘I keep asking “Why is that funny?” and “I don’t get it” when guys make sexist jokes. Embarrasses them as they explain it.’
‘My 12yo son learned to do laundry and cook because he wants his someday-wife to have respect for me.’
‘The boy in the park today, who, when his friend started making sexist comments, told him to shut up and stop being a dick.’
‘My high school teacher took a class to explain the difference of sex and gender, the problems of binarism & stereotyping.’
‘My brother, who identifies himself as a feminist and who challenges casual sexism and misogyny relentlessly.’
‘My 18-yr-old son who walked out of work placement disgusted by degrading images of women. It meant the world to me.’
‘Group of drunk lads shouted “Get yer tits out” to woman a few yards ahead of me so I lifted my T-shirt and showed them mine.’
And if sharing these stories spurs other men on to follow the same example, then so much the better.
Originally published 14 March 2014
DO YOU DO THE IRONING OR DO YOU TAKE OUT THE BINS? IT MAY BE TIME TO GENDER-SWAP YOUR CHORES
A fortnight ago, I received the following tweet: ‘Husband casually mentioned today he has never cleaned our bathroom – it’s always me! How did I miss that for 31 years?!’ Apart from chortling at one response (‘You were too busy cleaning the bathroom!’), the thing that struck me about the tweet was just how much it resonated with my own experiences and those I had heard from other women.
Even among feminist friends and forward-thinking families, it’s fascinating to see how our insistence on gender equality in every other area of life sometimes falters before the stubborn persistence of gendered chores. This goes both for the type of tasks (who does the laundry and washes up? Who takes out the bins?) and the quantity of time spent doing them. A recent BBC survey found that women spend twice as much time on chores as men, devoting well over the equivalent of one working day per week to household duties. And a Mumsnet survey of 1,000 working mothers found that only 5 per cent of men took responsibility for giving the house a weekly clean, compared with 71 per cent of women. The stark division in unpaid labour also encompasses childcare – from who looks after children at weekends to who is expected to take time off when children are sick – and persists even in surveys of heterosexual couples where the male partner doesn’t have a job. Among same-sex couples, some studies have suggested that there is likely to be a fairer division of chores, while others seem to suggest there is still a somewhat ‘gendered’ division of labour, with the lower-earning partner tending to take on chores traditionally considered ‘women’s work’, such as cooking.
The extra burden usually taken on by women in heterosexual couples also includes ‘emotional labour’, such as keeping on top of a child’s progress at school, checking in with elderly relatives and organizing social events, adding to the so-called ‘second shift’ millions of women work, o
ften without thanks or acknowledgement. Many would argue that the reason the divide has persisted so long is because it is unimportant – as long as you maintain a healthy, respectful relationship, you might ask, who cares who does the DIY or cleans the loo?
But the division of chores plays into myriad other problems, from the assumption that women are better suited to caring professions to the struggle for shared parental leave. Recently, it was even suggested that women’s shouldering of extra domestic work alongside full-time employment might be contributing to the slowing growth pace of female life expectancy!
Of course, in many families men do help, or do their fair share of the chores, but such stereotypes can still be insidious in forming young people’s ideas about the world and the importance of men’s and women’s time. You can see these ideas reflected later on, in issues such as the expectation that women will always make the tea in the workplace, the idea that a woman is ‘lucky’ if her partner helps out with ‘babysitting’ his own children, or the societal pressure for women to sacrifice career for child-rearing. The impact is startlingly wide.
It might be an eye-opening experiment to take note of the chores being done over the next two weeks and then attempt to ‘gender-swap’ some or all of them (children’s tasks included) over the next year. Even the most forward-thinking among us might be surprised, after stopping to add it up, about just what is going on inside our own homes.
Originally published 8 January 2016
FIVE WAYS TO MAKE MARRIAGE MORE EQUAL
David Cameron has asked the Home Office to change the content of marriage registers in England and Wales to include details of mothers as well as fathers. It has taken more than a year of feminist campaigning to bring this issue to prominence, since Ailsa Burkimsher Sadler instigated a Change.org petition calling for mothers’ names to be added, in August 2013. Ending the invisibility of women’s identities in these historical documents is an important step forward, practically and symbolically, but there are many other elements of modern marriage that could be updated to achieve equality.
1. Proposals
You might hope we were past the stage at which women were expected to sit around, twiddling their thumbs and waiting for the man in their life to take full responsibility for steering their shared future, yet I’ve still heard tutted responses about ‘what a shame’ it is and even ‘how embarrassing’ when female friends have been the ones to propose. It is mind-boggling that there is still such a stigma around the idea of a woman in a heterosexual couple being the one to pop the question. Gone are the days of knights in shining armour and rescued princesses, so is it not time women were allowed to play an equal role in determining their own futures?
2. The looks obsession
The dress of your dreams. The heavenly hairstyle. Shoes! Shoes! Shoes! You can read a bridal magazine from cover to glossy cover without ever touching on a single idea outside of the all-encompassing importance of a woman’s looks on her wedding day. Sure, most will want to look nice, but our societal obsession with the beauty of the bride, from the toasts to the photographs, makes it easy for a woman’s personality and the commitment she is making to get completely lost in superficial objectification. One instant way to remedy this? Turn another ancient, misogynistic tradition on its head and have the bride give a speech at her own wedding (and preferably plenty of other women too). At least that way she gets a voice, instead of being a demure, mute object of admiration.
3. Domestic chores
If we really want to talk seriously about marriage equality, it is not weddings we should be looking at, but marriages themselves. Analysis published by the Institute for Public Policy Research in 2012 indicated that 77 per cent of married women do more housework than their husbands, while just one in ten married men do an equal amount of housework as their wives. Yet the idea of cooking, washing and cleaning as ‘women’s work’ is an archaic norm that is so insidious it is difficult to challenge. On a recent school visit a class of 7- and 8-year-olds, the children were quick to tell me that sport, politics and maths were all ‘boy things’. I asked them what they felt ‘girl things’ were, thinking they might point to literature, or drama perhaps? My heart sank as they answered: ‘Cooking, cleaning, tidying.’ Why such strong stereotypes at such a young age? Well, just look at the heavy gendering of children’s cookery and cleaning toys, for a start.
4. Childcare
Women also take on the majority of caring duties for children and other relatives. According to employment figures from April to June 2013, having a baby makes men significantly more likely to be employed but women far less likely, suggesting that this inequality may be having a major impact on women’s employment. New shared parental leave rules that come into force next year should help to alleviate the pressure on women to take on the lion’s share of caring for a new baby. However, prohibitively expensive childcare, a lack of flexible working hours and cultural prejudice still mean it’s far more likely to be women who pay the career-limiting price for having a family. And, of course, this inequality applies outside marriage, too.
5. Decision-making
One of the most commonly reported scenarios to the Everyday Sexism Project is a woman taking a phone call from a lettings agent, double-glazing salesman or bank employee who asks ‘Is your husband in?’ Or being told: ‘I can’t discuss this without your husband present.’ The days of women in the UK needing a husband’s support to take out a loan or buy a car may be over, but the prejudiced assumption that men should control household decisions has not faded just yet, and it has a very real impact on women’s ability to run their own lives.
Originally published 19 August 2014
WHAT WOMEN ARE STILL PUTTING UP WITH AT WORK
If there’s anywhere people want to convince themselves that we’ve already solved sexism, it’s in the workplace. I can’t count the number of well-meaning men who’ve earnestly explained to me that there just isn’t any sexism in their line of work (law, media, medicine) any more. And for every one of those men who slightly patronizingly explains to me that the problem doesn’t exist, because they’d know about it if it was happening under their noses, I hear from several hundred female lawyers, journalists or doctors about their experiences of workplace discrimination and sexual harassment. Not to mention the testimonies of waitresses, nurses, flight attendants and bartenders whose public-facing jobs present the particular challenge of simultaneous sexual harassment from clients, customers and patients. Or the mechanics, engineers, pilots and plumbers whose working lives are a daily litany of assumptions about their inferiority and requests to ‘speak to a man’. Or the women on zero-hours contracts without HR departments to complain to, pressured to put up with sexual harassment because complaining would mean losing their job altogether. Or those part-time workers, often caring for children or dependent parents, whose reduced hours come at the cost of lower wages and zero chance of career advancement.
In 2016, the Everyday Sexism Project and the Trades Union Congress (TUC) published the results of a joint piece of research into the experiences of women in the workplace, the first of its kind undertaken in the UK in over a decade. The representative YouGov survey revealed some shocking truths. Over half of all women, and two-thirds of young women, said they’d experienced workplace sexual harassment. The day the research was released, I did back-to-back interviews, discussing it across the national and regional media. The morning started out well enough, with straightforward segments revealing the findings and interviewers asking for more details. But by early afternoon, the tenor of the coverage was shifting. I was repeatedly asked if I would come on a radio or television programme to ‘debate’ the results alongside somebody who thought women had it easy in the workplace, or another panellist who believed we should shut up and stop making a fuss. By the evening, I appeared on a national news programme alongside another contributor who was given ample airtime to suggest that women deliberately use their sexuality to get ahead at work and that sexual hara
ssment in the workplace, which she redefined as flirting, was completely natural. To me, this spoke volumes about the level of our societal denial of this particular problem. Rock-solid data about the serious harassment of a group of people in the workplace (revealing, among other things, that one-fifth of women had received unwanted sexual advances and over a tenth unwanted sexual touching) was greeted with dismissal, doubt and disbelief on the national news.
The same phenomenon emerged in the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal, after 12 million women worldwide used the hashtag #MeToo to share stories of sexual harassment at work (and elsewhere). The story quickly grew, with women working in Westminster adding their own voices to describe frequent sexual harassment and abuse within politics. But newspapers attempted to belittle the outpouring of experiences by running articles with headlines like: ‘A clumsy pass over dinner is NOT sex harassment’. I was invited on the BBC’s flagship Newsnight programme to discuss the wave of testimonies of rape and assault, only to find the discussion reduced to a debate about whether men were now too afraid to approach women at all, and whether touching a woman’s elbow to let her know she had dropped something constituted a form of harassment. On BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, presenter John Humphrys asked William Hague whether there was a danger that MPs would no longer be able to ask anybody out on a date. In a stunning feat of combined misogyny and Islamophobia, Daily Mail columnist Peter Hitchens managed to contort the situation into a column entitled: “What will women gain from all this squawking about sex pests? A niqab”. One highly respected TV programme invited me to take part in a ‘debate’ about the ongoing revelations of abuse against women in the workplace with an email entitled: “Has feminism gone too far?”
