by Nancy Toback
Tom drew back slightly, his brown-sugar gaze running over her face slow as molasses. “I’ve missed you.” He leaned down and brushed a gentle kiss to her cheek.
Jess held back a teasing comment that would turn the intimate exchange into a casual moment between friends. She tightened her fingers around his muscular forearms and smiled up at him.
Tonight she would tell him, despite her father’s warnings of the perils of women pursuing men. A simple truth from a stranger in E-mail had resonated with her—TC was right. What’s the worst that could happen?
Time was running out. She had to know now, or she’d become the lady in the maternity shop, full of regrets. Tom had always been the love of her life. And she had been too blind to see it. The shock of nearly losing him had brought her to her senses. If she kept her love a secret, locked away in her heart, she’d lose him anyway.
Only the Lord knew how Tom would respond. And only the Lord knew how crushed she would be if Tom rejected her.
Fourteen
For the past ten minutes, silence filled the truck as they headed downtown. Tom glanced at the traffic light. He strummed his fingers on the steering wheel, slid his gaze to Jess, and smiled.
Tilting her head, she seemed to question his perusal. The dark, silky curtain of her hair fell forward over one shoulder. A jab of longing hit him, exploding in his chest. What did Frank say? “Drop-dead gorgeous?” That she was.
He pulled his gaze from her. Even so, Jess’s true beauty came from within, radiating from her clear, blue eyes, piercing his heart. It was what had captured him from the second he’d seen her—and each time thereafter. Jess would always be the North Star among ordinary stars. And when he believed his feelings for her had settled, drifted away to a soft whisper, one look at her stirred them all over again.
Tom scanned the heavy traffic ahead. Jess’s E-mail to TC made it perfectly clear she was blind to his love.
“You look far away tonight.” Jess’s voice filtered into his thoughts, and for the first time, he knew she couldn’t see through to his bare soul.
Tom tapped the leather seat separating them. “Then come sit closer to me.”
Jess’s musical laughter rippled over him. Tom smiled. What made him think he could ever get over her? She shifted and draped her arm across the back of the seat. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it. So what were you thinking about?”
“Not what. Whom.” He slammed on the truck’s brakes to make way for a cabbie who sliced in front of him, then glanced her way again.
“Whom?” Jess moved to her former rigid position, slender hands clasped on her lap. “All right then—whom were you thinking about?”
“You, Jess.” He had nothing to lose anymore. “I was thinking about you.” The tense line between her pretty arched brows disappeared. Her smile said she liked him putting her first in his life, in his thoughts. But he was about to let her down.
“It—it’s a green light.” Her stressed voice accompanied the tune of honking motorists.
“Green light.” Tom accelerated and merged into traffic. He might get his mind on the road instead of drifting on the cloud of her orange-vanilla scent. He would pay the price later, he knew. But another sleepless night seemed a mere pittance compared to not seeing her at all. He had counted the cost before asking her out. And what little time remained until he left New York, he wanted to spend with Jess, even on a friendship basis. “Tomorrow is—”
“A year since Daddy’s gone.”
Tom shot her a sidelong glance. Her lower lip quivered, and her eyes filled. Poor Jess. Of course the thought wouldn’t be far from her mind. He swallowed past the thickness in his throat. “I know, Jess. I—”
“How do you think I’m doing, Tom?” She lowered her lids, twisting her slender fingers. “If my father could see me now, do you think—”
“He’d be proud of you, Jess. I mean that.” His eyes burned, and a dull ache wrapped its fingers around his heart. “I’m sorry. Sorry you”—Tom’s jaw tightened—“sorry we lost him.”
Maybe Dean was the glue that had kept them together. Jess loved pleasing her father. And seeing them together had pleased Dean. She had two men who had loved and protected her, but soon she’d have none.
Jess sniffled and dashed away a tear at the corner of her eye. “We’ll see him again in heaven someday.”
“Yes, thanks to Jesus, we will.” Tom cleared his throat. He had to make their last few times together count for something. How could he leave without knowing for sure Jess could go it alone? “And just watch your father blame me if anything went wrong with you.”
Jess gave a choked laugh. “Yeah, that would be just like Daddy. So you’d better not skip too many days in a row without seeing me.” Her gaze latched onto his, and his heart turned over. “No telling what kind of trouble I’ll get myself into when you’re not around.”
“You’ll do great with or without me.” The skepticism written on her face mirrored his own doubts. Soon the days between them would stretch into months. Perhaps years. “Tissues.” Tom cleared his throat and pointed to the glove compartment.
“Thanks.” Jess snapped it open and pulled out the box. She dabbed her eyes and nose. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.” She pulled in an uneven breath, and he forced away the impulse to hold her, comfort her. “You know, when Daddy died. The Lord and you were my strength.”
Tom covered her hand with his, pressing slightly. “You have your church family too, Jess—don’t forget that. A lot of people love you.” I love you. He tried to smile. “Especially Marilyn.”
“Yes.” She fanned her beautiful face with her hand. “You, and Marilyn, and my other church friends. You’re all my family now.”
Tom swallowed hard. If he hadn’t let his emotions get away from him, he could stay in New York, be with Jess until she met—the man of her dreams. As always, a sense of dread accompanied the thought. “You’ll be all right, Jess.” Like it or not, he’d been cast in the role of protector. But she wouldn’t flounder without him. The Lord was her real protector.
Spotting a parking space, Tom slowed the truck to a crawl. “We’ll have to walk about two blocks.” He maneuvered the big, black vehicle in reverse. “But I’d better grab this spot.” He pushed the gearshift into park, cut the engine, and jiggled the keys.
Jess made no motion to move. She lifted her gaze to him and smiled. “Did I tell you Marilyn’s pregnant again?”
He looked past her smile to the glint of longing in her eyes. She’d be happy for Marilyn, but her mind must’ve leapt to her own ticking biological clock when she’d heard the news. All the more reason he had to get out of the picture, give Jess space to grow and a chance to meet the man God intended for her. Too bad, Jess—too bad it isn’t me. “So number three’s on the way?”
Jess nodded, and what remained of her tears deepened the sparkle in her blue eyes. “Tom. . .” She held his gaze until he thought he might kiss her then and there. “I have something to tell you.”
He felt his shoulders tense. The air around him crackled with unspoken emotion. She was about to say something he didn’t want to hear. Her lips parted as if to speak, and a dull foreboding told him to run. Reaching in back of himself, he clutched the door handle.
Jess drew in a long breath. “I wanted to tell you—”
“Want to tell me while we walk?” As he studied her serious expression, his breath felt trapped in his lungs.
She tipped her head and smiled. “Good idea. Let’s eat first.”
They strode toward the restaurant at a leisurely pace, and Jess looped her arm through his. Why couldn’t he feel this way with Linda at his side? Sweet as Linda was, his heart belonged to Jess.
But tonight he’d have to tell Jess he’d made a decision to relocate. He was through hiding behind TC in E-mail, and he was ashamed of his reaction when he’d seen her with Frank. Most of all, he was sick of chasing down rainbows.
For far too long, he loved being Jes
s’s hero. But the longer he kept her emotionally dependent on him, the harder it would be on her, and him, when it came time for him to go.
❧
Jess clinked her glass of sparkling water to Tom’s upheld glass. “Here’s to us.”
Tom offered what seemed a halfhearted smile. “To us then.”
She scanned the cozy, crowded room, with its pale green walls. They had dined here so many times, but this night would be different—either the best of times or the worst of times.
Jess bit back a grin. Tom had held her closer than ever tonight, kissed her as if he meant it. His gesture might’ve been a sign from the Lord, giving her the go-ahead. Even though Tom had always thought of her as a good buddy, he surely felt the same electricity she had when she was in his arms.
The waiter arrived with their entrees. Gazing down at the steamy plate of pasta, Jess licked her lips. “Looks yummy, doesn’t it?” She glanced up, glimpsed his sad smile, and her stomach pitched. “What? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Looks yummy.” Picking up his fork, he swirled it into the linguini. His action seemed more a diversionary tactic than his gusto for food. “I love linguini with clam sauce.” He glanced up from his plate. “But yours is still the best.”
“Oh, please, nobody’s beats La Luna’s. But thanks for the compliment.” Jess reached into the basket, broke off a slice of crusty Italian bread from the warm loaf, and laughed.
Tom tipped his head, his eyes dancing with the familiar humor she so loved. “I was just thinking about Jim. . .and the bread. He was such a messy eater. If things had worked out between us, I would’ve had to follow him around with a container of cleaning wipes all the time.”
Laughing, Tom shook his head. “Did Jim scare you off? Or have you made another Love Online date yet?” His broad shoulders lifted in a shrug. “I mean, you really should, Jess. Get your ninety-nine dollars worth at least.”
Feeling her smile disappear, she forked pasta into her mouth. She’d actually intended to tell Tom she’d fallen in love with him. For crying out loud, he was practically pressuring her into dating other men. “Well, I met one really nice guy, but we’ll see where it goes.”
“Mmm.” Tom swallowed his food and took a sip of water. “Why didn’t you make a date?”
Her pulse throbbed harder in her neck, and her face heated. She wanted to strangle TC, but first she would let him know his advice stank. “We want to get to know each other in E-mail a bit longer. We’re sort of counseling each other.”
Tom fell silent. His handsome face suddenly lost any trace of animation. He gave every indication of being disappointed. He couldn’t get rid of her fast enough. This dinner was a sweet gesture of sympathy, but she’d been a burden tonight, crying in the car, reminiscing about her father.
Jess sipped water while she struggled to recover. She had made too much of Tom’s kiss. And if she hadn’t been so lonely and vulnerable, she wouldn’t have magnified the meaning of being in his arms.
She wanted his love so desperately that she’d wished it into being true. “So how about you?” Toying with the food on her plate, she chanced another glance at him. “Getting on well with Linda?” The catch in her voice made her face warm.
Tom loosened the knot in his tie. “Same as you—it’s a wait and see thing.” He set down his fork gently. Jess tilted her chin, preparing for another blow. “I got to thinking this morning. . . .” Tom stared off for a moment. “In fact, during the service it hit me that staying single is always a viable option.”
A cold knot gelled in her stomach. “You? You want to stay single?” Her rapid, shallow breaths made her head spin. She was suddenly dining with a stranger. “I mean, what happened to our quest? And when did you discover you had the gift of permanent celibacy?”
Tom’s brows drew together. “I wasn’t exactly thinking in terms of celibacy, Jess.”
A mild gasp escaped her lips.
“Whoa.” Tom raised both his hands. “I mean, celibacy is part of not being married, of course. I know what the Word says. But staying single is not a fate worse than death either.”
“Maybe not for you.” An icy chill ran up her spine. “But I want a husband and children and—”
“A white-picket fence?” Tom grinned, and her heart sank like a rock. “Sorry. I’m not making fun of you, Jess. And I’m not trying to discourage you either. You’ll meet the right guy.” He loaded his fork with pasta—as if he hadn’t just demolished her heart.
She couldn’t drag her gaze from his face. She felt like screaming, “Look at me! What’s wrong with me?” But she clamped her mouth shut. More than anything else, she had an urge to jump to her feet and run for the door. But what would Tom be left to conclude? “Well, if you don’t want to be married, don’t be.”
Tom tapped his napkin to his chin and scrutinized her, his dark eyes narrowed. “I didn’t say that either.”
“Well, what exactly did you say?” She was trembling now. Lord, help me! She’d come so close to telling him in the truck she loved him. Too close. A chill raised the hairs on her arms. Her father’s advice against women chasing men had been on the mark. She was thankful Tom had interrupted her little speech. He must’ve sensed what was coming, and this was his gentle way of letting her down easy.
“I’m saying what I’m saying.” Tom shook his head. “I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. What are you getting so uptight about?”
“I am not uptight!” Jess ground out the words between clenched teeth.
“Yeah, I can see that.” Tom grunted and shook his head.
Jess blinked quickly to dry her eyes and looked across the room, her gaze settling on the gondola mural. They had never taken a sailing trip as Tom promised when he’d given her the porcelain boat. She loved that snowy Valentine’s Day, sitting in the diner, sipping hot cocoa, and exchanging gifts. Theirs were never the typical, romantic gifts of lovers. They’d both known better than to cross that line. And she should’ve known better tonight.
Jess resumed eating. She’d not sulk like a child, laying bare to Tom more of her needy side.
Tom cleared his throat. “By the way, how did it go with Frank today?” The offhanded remark rolled off his tongue without effort. He was obviously being polite, making small talk. It wouldn’t matter to him if she answered or totally changed the subject.
“Oh, we had lunch and talked. He’s an interesting guy once you get to know him.” Tom’s smile slipped a bit, and she reveled in the small triumph. But who was she kidding? It was only his male ego rejecting the thought of Frank and her together. Just like Juan’s ex—not wanting him and not wanting anybody else to have him. The disappointment she read on Tom’s face had everything to do with Frank being his coworker and buddy. The two even made a game of comparing who had bigger muscles.
“Are you in the mood for Central Park tonight?” Tom inched his dish away. “You finished only half your dinner, but I could use the exercise.”
Jess managed a smile. “Sure, why not?”
Yes, her father had been so right. But she’d make the most of this evening. End it on a high note. And if Tom had suspected she wanted more from him, she’d put his fears to rest.
Fifteen
Tom rested his back against the park bench and stared up at the stars. No single male in his right mind would be this close to Jess and not kiss her. Except for a rare passerby and the sound of chattering crickets, they had this corner of the park to themselves. Jess looked more dazzling than he could remember. And as usual—he would do nothing about it.
“It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?” Tom ran his gaze over her delicate profile and watched a slow smile curve her lips. Everything in him wanted to blurt out, “I love you.” He clamped his jaw. Wouldn’t that be appropriate? Say it, then fly off to California? To what end? At least if he left things as is, when he returned to New York on business, they’d slip back easily into their comfortable friendship.
“It’s a gorgeous night. Perfect, really.
” Tipping her chin, Jess faced him fully. “How could you consider never getting married?” A worry line creased her brow. “Wouldn’t tonight be even more perfect if you were with your one true love?”
Tom felt his heart drop. He clamped his hands behind his head and breathed in the scent of dewy grass. “You’ve always liked that expression.”
“Which expression?” Jess slapped his knee playfully. “Are you making fun of me?”
“Uh-uh. But you’re definitely partial to ‘one true love.’ ”
“Oh, come on—call it what you like then.” Jess fluffed her hair and tilted her chin.
Tom bit back a grin. Every time he thought he had her figured, Jess knocked him for a loop. He would’ve never guessed his simple statement over dinner could get her so riled. Why should she care whether or not he married? Unless she actually felt sorry for him? Shifting, Tom rested his elbows on his knees. “It’s already a perfect night.”
Jess inched closer to him and rested her hand on his forearm. His gut response was to pull away—move far and fast. His arm muscles tightened under her touch. “Wouldn’t it be more perfect, I’m saying, if you were with your one true. All right—scratch that expression. Your significant other?” Jess laughed.
“It couldn’t be more perfect than it is right now, Jess.” Tom met her gaze. She was free to draw whatever conclusion she liked, but she didn’t flinch.
Jess licked her sweet, upturned lips and sighed. “Well, I don’t get it. You haven’t answered my question.” She drew back her hand, crossed her arms over her midsection, and looked off into the distance.
He gripped the edge of the wooden bench and shook his head. Of course she didn’t get it. And she never would. Wasn’t that why she started searching for Mr. Right on the Internet in the first place? “Listen, Jess—I meant to tell you. I’m probably—not probably—I’ve been offered a transfer at work, and I’m going to take it.”
Jess stared, lips parted, face flushed. “You’re moving?”
