by Julia Goda
You are what you make yourself to be.
I had a decision to make. Keep living this half-life, content, but lonely, keep everything locked up inside, knowing that eventually it might win the fight and eat me alive, but hoping it wouldn’t. Or, open up and talk to Macy about my past, be honest and let her help me deal with it as much as I am capable of and hope that that would free some of the old me.
I had a decision to make. So I made it.
No matter how much it scared me, I was going to tell Macy everything. Then I was going to explain to her about Cal and why I couldn’t go there with him. That was a step I wasn’t ready for, wasn’t sure I would ever be ready for. I would open up to my best friend, but opening up to a man, to Cal, was a completely different story. It wouldn’t be easy and it scared the shit out of me, but making that decision funnily enough also gave me some sense of relief.
I would also take Betty’s advice and try to turn on the light. Consciously leaving my armor at home made me nervous, but according to her I wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding behind my mask anyway.
I would try my best.
I had to come out of hiding and finally be myself again as much as I was capable of.
Pearl Jam had stopped playing a while ago. The water had run cold and I was a prune. Time to get out of the bathtub. One last beer on my front porch that overlooked the town and I would go to bed.
Good plan.
Great night.
Got my head together. Now it was time to let go and think about nothing, while watching the lights of Cedar Creek sparkle in the night, and find some peace.
Little did I know that when I got out to my porch to do exactly that, a few hundred meters away someone was watching me doing exactly that, quietly contemplating what to do about me.
Cal
Cal was watching Ivey sitting on her front porch staring out at the town, sipping her beer. She shouldn’t be sitting outside in the dark all the way up here by herself. She didn’t even have a dog that would warn her if danger was close. Wasn’t she scared? She definitely needed someone to take care of her.
Someone good.
Someone strong.
Someone loyal.
Someone without baggage.
He had thought that was not him. But after laying out Ivey, Betty had continued with him.
He had seen her around town.
Oh, had he ever.
He had heard the men talk about her. At the bar, in the locker room of his local gym. Greatest ass in town, sweetest woman they had ever met, and those legs…
He had heard it all. And he agreed with all of it.
But every man in town got shot down. Everyone knew that she didn’t shit where she slept. Smart move. He lived by the same principle. Shocking that their paths had never crossed outside of town.
Cal had tried to avoid her when she moved to town nine years ago, to ignore her, to ignore her pull.
But he couldn’t ignore it any longer.
Not after she had touched his chest when she ran into him at her bookstore and he had felt like he had been shocked.
Not after she had stared up at him, mouth hanging open, eyes wide, looking adorable.
Not after he had seen how she was with Tommy.
Not after he had looked into her crying eyes, wide with wonder, after Betty had laid it out for her, stirring feelings of possession and protectiveness in him.
And definitely not after she had shown him she could serve attitude. The sassy kind, the good kind, the kind that makes a man’s dick go hard instantly.
No, he couldn’t resist her pull any longer.
Which meant that he was done.
Done with other women.
Done with settling for less when he knew what he wanted and who he wanted it with.
Done with trying to avoid her.
It also meant that she was done, although she didn’t know it yet.
Done with her male acquaintances one or two towns over.
Done with trying to cover up her reactions to him.
Done with hiding.
He was going to make her feel safe enough to let out her true self. Tommy would help him. He was a good kid and he had a good read on people. He liked Ivey a lot and had told his dad he should ask her out on a date. So Tommy would be more than happy to help his old man.
Cal was going to be the man Betty said he was. The kind of man who Ivey needed beside her. And Ivey was definitely the woman he wanted beside him. And not just for a fling. He wanted her. He had wanted her since he had first laid eyes on her nine years ago.
Now he was going to claim her.
He knew he had to go slow, but couldn’t give her a chance to run either. She was jumpy as hell and would shut him down faster than he could blink if he let her. So he had to do this smart and play the intense attraction he knew she had towards him, but also knew she didn’t know what to do about, to his advantage.
Surprise her. Keep her on her toes and then strike.
Starting tomorrow.
Chapter Four
Pain
Ivey
Pain comes in so many different ways, can mean so many different things.
When you’re six years old and realize that your father prefers watching football over coming to your school science fair.
When you’re seven years old and you see your father hit your mother across the face so hard she falls to the floor.
When you’re eight years old and he does the same to you.
When you’re ten years old and you hear your father raping your mother after a violent fight. When after, you hear your mother crying in the bathroom, threatening to kill herself and your father doing nothing about it. When you go to comfort her the next day, to do something, anything to make her feel better, and she doesn’t respond, just looks at you with dead eyes without really seeing you. When you realize she is too far gone, that her pain is so all consuming and absolute that she has checked out, and it scared the shit out of you.
When you find out your high school boyfriend has been cheating on you and really only ever asked you out as part of a bet and the whole school is laughing in your face about your stupidity.
When you get a phone call in the middle of the night letting you know that the only person that has ever loved you is dead.
When you’re lying on your kitchen floor with blood between your legs knowing the life you created is bleeding out of you.
All these things describe pain.
Pain so deep it eats away at you.
Until there is nothing left.
Chapter Five
The Truth
Ivey
The next morning I felt a big blob of anticipation and dread in my stomach, knowing I had made up my mind last night and now I had to follow through with it.
Macy came into the store every Saturday—and days between but always on Saturday. If I was busy, she helped me out in the store stocking or shelving books, working the cash register, whatever I needed done. If I wasn’t busy, she kept me company and we had a nice chat and a coffee that she usually got for us before coming in.
Today she was coming in early to help me open. She was getting bigger and bigger and we didn’t know how much longer she would be able to help me out, so she said she wanted to come in earlier than usual to make the most of it.
I had unlocked the front door and had switched on all the lights when she came in with coffee for the both of us.
“Good morning, sunshine,” she sang when she saw me.
“Hey, Mace,” I returned and tried to smile a genuine smile. I must have not succeeded in doing that, because Macy’s smile dropped and she walked over to me, eyes concerned and assessing.
“What’s wrong?” she inquired when she got close.
“Nothing’s wrong. Well, I don’t think it is. But something is going on and I need to talk to someone about it. You are the only person I really trust, so I would like that to be you.” My voice was low and a little hesitant. I was wri
nging my hands and couldn’t quite make eye contact with her. Putting myself out there was new for me.
I shouldn’t have been nervous.
Macy read my body language, then wrapped me in her arms and gave me a hug. My arms went around her, and I took a deep breath to steady my nerves.
“Of course you can talk to me. Anything you need,” she assured me quietly.
“Thanks, Mace,” I whispered in her ear.
I took another deep breath to prepare myself, then let go of her and looked into her eyes. Then I gave it to her.
“I need to tell someone, Mace. It’s eating me up. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together,” I got out in a raspy whisper. Macy took my hand and squeezed it gently, giving me courage.
“Ivey…” she whispered back. Her eyes had gone misty. I could tell she knew that it was hard for me to share and she felt for me. I powered on. “My story isn’t pretty. It’s dark and painful. I realized last night that I have to start letting it go, before it eats me alive. Can you help with that?” God, this opening-up business was hard.
“Yes, of course, Ivey. I’ll do whatever you need me to do,” she whispered on another squeeze.
“Okay,” my eyes had gone misty as well, and I wiped the tears away before they could fall. I took another deep breath and let it out slowly. It was all or nothing. “Can I come over for dinner tonight, and we’ll talk when the kids are in bed?” I asked her, my voice becoming more steady.
“Of course. I’ll make your favourite and stop to get some liquid courage before I go home. Larry can go and watch a game in the basement after he put the kids to bed, and then we can talk.”
“I think, maybe Larry should be there as well. I know you guys don’t keep anything from each other and I don’t want you to have to live through it twice.” Her eyes had gone wide in understanding and she nodded.
“Okay, but only if you’re sure.”
“I am.” And I was. I trusted Larry. He was a good guy. Possessive of his wife in a good way and protective of his family. I really only trusted a handful of people in my life, only one of them a man, this man being him.
But even that took a good long while.
I assumed Macy told him the little about my past she knew and that being the reason, why I felt uncomfortable and skittish at first when I was alone with Larry in a room. But he had worked hard for it and eventually made me trust him by letting me see how he was with Macy and their kids.
Firm, but gentle.
Always.
Affectionate.
Respectful.
He loved Macy despite her craziness. Actually, I thought he loved her because of the fact that she was a little loopy. It definitely seemed that way when his eyes went all soft on her when she was consumed by one of her dramas.
Yes, he should be there tonight to give Macy comfort, because I knew what she was about to learn would break her heart. For me. She was the kind of person that felt deeply for other people and she would feel this down to her soul. So she would need Larry.
“Okay, then he’ll be there, too,” Macy confirmed.
I squeezed her hand in response, and we both turned our heads when we heard the bell over the door ring, announcing our first customer of the day.
“It’s your turn to pick the music,” I told her when I looked back at her, trying to snap us out of the funk.
“Okay. I’ll go do that.” Macy took a deep breath, then squeezed my hand one last time, leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek, then let go of my hand and headed towards the counter to pick the music.
“Nothing sappy!” I shouted after her.
“I’ll pick what I’ll pick!” she shouted back over her shoulder, making me smile.
She had her shit together and was my Mace again. Okay, time to get on with the day.
Since Mace had brought coffee that morning, it was my turn to get us lunch. We decided on sandwiches from Tom’s Diner. By the time I could leave, it was almost one o’clock. We had gotten in an order unexpectedly, and I had to finish up inventorying everything. I think if I had made Mace wait another minute to get food, she would have turned green and exploded out of her clothes. Pregnant women were crazy scary when they were hungry.
I made my way across the street to the restaurant on this nice early fall day. It was still warm enough to only wear a long sleeved shirt but I could smell the cold moving in from the East. Next week, the nice warm days would be over and it would get colder and windier. But for now, I was fine wearing a white thermal long sleeved shirt under my flow-y rock n’ roll black t-shirt with the pink and purple skull on it.
When I opened the door and walked inside the diner, I was confronted with yummy lunch smells and the sounds of conversation and eating. The restaurant was filled to its capacity.
Tom’s Diner was exactly what it sounded like. A vintage diner and soda shoppe that served old-fashioned American food. It looked like right out of a movie. When you walked in, you faced the long counter with yellow vinyl swivel bar stools in front of it. To the right across from the bar and further out to the back, the walls were lined with comfy vinyl booths with blacktop tables covered with the holy trinity of diner condiments—ketchup, mustard and those cool glass sugar dispensers. Lots of chrome and vintage throughout and tin signs and mirrors on the walls. And photos. Lots and lots of photos of the town and its inhabitants throughout the years. In my opinion, it was the best greasy spoon in the world with its no-nonsense food like hamburgers, sandwiches, hot dogs, floats, shakes and simple homemade breakfasts. They served the best stack of flapjacks I had ever eaten at a restaurant—the best ones being my nana’s recipe. Their roast beef sandwiches were divine and their milk shakes—or thick shakes as Tom called them—were a must. With thirty flavours to choose from and the mix and match option of whatever flavours you wanted, that gave you a gazillion options.
Thinking about their milk shakes made me crave one instantly.
While I was waiting in line looking up at the menu trying to decide if I wanted a caramel coffee shake or a cherry banana one, I felt someone tapping my arm. When I looked down, I saw Tommy grinning up at me.
“Hey, Ivey! Wanna come sit with us?” he asked me excitedly, “I’ll get you a coffee,” he added and grinned bigger.
I looked over his shoulder to see Cal sitting in a window booth watching us. When he saw me look, he crooked his finger at me, his eyes intense. Did he really just do that? Crook his finger at me, expecting me to obey and walk over to sit with him? Was he serious? I arched my eyebrows and gave him a dismissive look.
“Come on, Ivey. I’ll throw in a cookie!” Tommy was funny. And charming.
I looked back down at him and gave him a smile. “Sorry, buddy, I’m just gonna order sandwiches and milk shakes for me and Macy to go and then I have to get back to the store,” I explained.
Tommy wasn’t deterred by my rejection and kept smiling big.
“Your sandwiches and shakes are gonna take a few minutes. Come sit with us,” he started pulling me by my arm towards the booth his father was sitting in. I was so surprised by this that I let him drag me to their table.
Great. Now I was trapped.
I didn’t want to seem silly and bring attention to us by putting up a fight only because I turned into a horny idiot whenever Cal was near. That wasn’t Tommy’s fault and he was right. The sandwiches and shakes would take a few minutes and I might as well sit. And why not, if I got a free coffee and a cookie out of it?
I made eye contact with the waitress while being dragged by Tommy and smiled at her. She understood and gave me the one finger up, indicating she would be there in a minute.
Tommy and I had arrived at the table as he gallantly offered me the window seat by indicating his arm before he scooted in beside me.
Trapped. Literally.
Cal smiled proudly at his son and gave him a chin lift, which Tommy returned with a big grin.
“Had to bribe her with coffee and a cookie, but mission accomplished,”
he informed his father.
Huh? That was a strange thing to say.
Cal’s eyes came to me. They were warm and teasing. “You’re greedy,” he stated.
I was determined not to be controlled by my body’s reaction toward Cal, so I straightened my shoulders and smiled smugly at him, “Well, what can I say? I don’t come cheap. And since the offer came from a nice charming young man, I just couldn’t resist. Cookies are my weakness.”
Tommy started chuckling and I winked at him.
Cal’s eyes were still on me, still teasing, but now also with a sexy glint in them. “Cookies your only weakness?” he asked.
I didn’t expect that question, so it threw me for a loop. Luckily, I was saved from having to answer when the waitress appeared at our table.
“Hey Ivey, dear, what can I get you?” she asked.
“Hey Martha! Can I get a roast beef sandwich and a turkey melt to go, please? And also a caramel coffee shake and a cherry banana shake, please? Thanks, hon’!” I ordered my and Macy’s food. I had decided to just get both of my favourite flavours, so Mace and I could share, and we each would have the best of both worlds - chocolate and fruit.
“Sure, sweetheart. Shouldn’t take longer than ten,” she informed me, then went to ring in my order.
“How’s your weekend going’?” Cal asked me casually.
“Well, you know, I got up, had a coffee, took a shower, had a quick breakfast, went to work, had another coffee, worked some more, went to get lunch, got accosted by two gentlemen who forced me to sit with them, but bribed me with coffee and a cookie…” I stopped reciting the events of my day, trying to be funny, and looked over to Tommy, because I had realized that he had not ordered my bribe.
