‘I’m taking River to the hospital to get checked out.’ He turned back to my mother and said in a quiet voice, ‘We’ll discuss this later.’
That was it, the conversation was over and I had time to cool off. He drove me to the hospital in complete silence, he didn’t even begin to discuss what had happened, he didn’t ask me questions, he didn’t check to see if I was ok, he didn’t do anything. I don’t think he could, I think he was probably as stunned as I was, maybe even more so, because he had to deal with my mother changing my grades, and with me setting fire to my books. I feel sorry for him having to handle us, but in that moment I just needed my dad, and he wasn’t there for me.
As you can no doubt imagine things at school got far worse. If people didn’t hate me before they certainly did now. To add to how bad things were at school, I was also dealing with an extremely frosty home life as well, me and my mom were fighting more often, and when we weren’t yelling at each other, we were flatly refusing to talk to each other, usually it was me who did the freezing out, because I was just too angry to speak. My dad just found his way around things, by ignoring the entire situation, he didn’t want to get involved, and all that he would talk to me about was how stupid I had been, and try and make me promise I would never do anything like that again, and I couldn’t even dispute that, because setting fire to my books in our apartment was stupid, it was beyond stupid. I was desperate to fix things, but I think I had gone too far, my father didn’t seem to recognize me as his level headed daughter, I was something else now, some irrational emotional girl who would lash out, or burst into tears with very little to set me off, and he couldn’t understand that, so he couldn’t handle that.
As a result he spent more and more time working, and my mother fought with him more often than before, but while cracks started to show in their relationship, my own relationship with my parents had completely crumbled.
I needed to get some help, and I was finally able to admit it to myself, and if I couldn’t go to my parents for the help that I needed, then there was really only one option open to me. I would go and see my older brother Wade.
That’s a whole other story though, and I can’t tell that one now, not yet. I promise though that I’ll keep writing you these letters, I think they actually help.
River
Chapter Four
Session 2
River watches Oliver’s mouth drop open, his eyes widen and then he looks up from the page, catching her eyes with his own. He hadn’t been reading for long so she knew what he had just read.
‘Yeah,’ she nods her head, ‘I have a brother.’ She kicks the covers off of her legs, and curls them up to her chest, but despite the action which showed her insecurity, she kept her eyes locked on his.
‘I had no idea – he’s never visited.’ Oliver pauses, ‘Does he live a long way from New York?’
‘He lives in Connecticut, has done since he started college, though he graduated grad school last year, he bought a house there when he was in his final year of college.’
‘Oh.’
‘It’s ok really it is, you don’t have to feel bad for me,’ she smiles a little sadly at him then shrugs, ‘keep reading it gets way more exciting soon.’
He does as she wishes turning his attention back to the piece of paper. As he reads on he becomes more and more horrified, that her mother would do something like that, and incredibly shocked at how River had reacted.
‘Do you think I’m crazy?’
‘No. I think it was very – creative.’
‘Is that a professional term for stupid?’ She asks pointedly, ‘It was stupid.’
‘Perhaps but it was a very passionate statement you made, it proves how much it meant to you to earn those grades yourself, that speaks well of your character.’ He lowers the pages to his lap. ‘It can’t be easy finding out something like that.’
‘No I don’t suppose anyone would handle it well.’
‘Probably not,’
‘Still I bet most people wouldn’t react by setting books alight.’ River says, instinctively putting herself down again.
‘Most people wouldn’t have to deal with several bullying emails, or losing their closest friends, on top of all this with your mother.’ He defends her as easily as she puts herself down, because he feels like she needs someone to stand up for her, and he’s more than willing to be that someone.
‘I’m curious,’ She stretches her legs out, more relaxed now and he senses it’s because she’s about to change subjects. ‘Don’t you have anything better to do?’
‘I don’t know what you mean, better than what?’ He looks at her questioningly, even though they both know the answer to his question.
‘This,’ She waves a slim hand between the two of them, then drops it to the bed beside her, ‘spending your time trying to work out my – mess.’
‘It’s my job.’
‘No it isn’t, you’re not a psychiatrist, you’re doing a rotation on this ward, you’re meant to be healing physical problems, not battling your way through all my emotional baggage, and don’t tell me it’s part of your job, because I have issues, a lot of issues, but hearing isn’t one of them. I hear people talking about you, the crazy young doctor who stays later, after his shifts, to talk or sit in silence with the sullen teenager, so it just makes me curious, don’t you have anything better to do?’
‘My sister is in town, she’s crashing at my place with her six year old daughter, because my parents are,’ He pauses, if he tells her the real reason his sister is here, then she’ll blame herself for taking up his time, for his behavior becoming cause for concern, ‘well they worry a lot, they don’t think I can take care of myself properly, possibly because I’m a horrible cook who can only make three things, so I’ve pretty much been living off take-out, and that’s not even to mention the fact that I’ve been distracted lately, bottom line, they think I need a babysitter, and I’d rather stay out of my apartment, than have my big sister lecture me like I’m a kid.’ He looks up to gauge her reaction; a faint smile paints itself on her face.
‘What is it that’s distracting you?’ She raises an eyebrow with a bright smile, ‘Girl trouble?’ She finds it far easier to tease him about his life, than talk about her own.
‘Well – I suppose you could call it that,’ he glances at her briefly, and then lowers his eyes, ‘it’s complicated.’
‘Isn’t it always?’ She leans back and stares at the ceiling, ‘I like talking to you.’
‘Yeah I like talking to you as well.’
‘So here’s the thing, I’m going a little crazy in here.’ She holds his gaze, ‘Yeah I know I’m here because people think I’m crazy, it’s a vicious circle really.’
‘What’s your point?’ He stifles a laugh, aware that a nurse is passing by, River remains quiet until they are alone again, she moves her left arm, which has a drip going into it.
‘I need to get out, get some fresh air.’
‘I could take you down to the front entrance; hook your drip up to a wheelchair.’ He offers.
‘Not what I meant.’ She taps her fingers on her leg, her gaze drifting to the window, outside it is bright and sunny, and the sky is a bright vibrant blue and she longs to be out there.
‘What did you mean then?’
‘There’s this place in central park, it’s so quiet there that you don’t believe it’s New York, everything here is so noisy all the time, there are always people rushing by, noise and voices, it can be so suffocating at times,’ she pulls her hair up into a top-knot, securing it with the band that was on her wrist, ‘when I first started receiving the emails and things, I craved silence so much, I just wanted to be away from everything, and then one day I was walking through the park, and I found this little path, it led to this secluded pond, hidden in a dip and surrounded by trees, in the summer the sun hits it and the whole place just glows. I spent so many hours there, and it’s amazing, nobody ever comes there, and you can’t hear the noise o
f the city, it’s like it’s contained in this little bubble, that’s where I want to go.’
‘River,’ His voice carries all his uncertainty; she looks away, ‘I can’t take you there, not with your drip and everything.’
‘Then take it out!’ River lifts up the arm with the drip in, ‘This thing is meant to be rehydrating me right?’
‘Yeah,’
‘Well then unhook it and take me to the park, and I’ll let you buy me a drink.’ She smiles brighter than she has in months, he can’t help but laugh, his eyes on the pages in his hand, ‘Come on, nobody here understands apart from you, I need to get out and you can help me, I can’t do it on my own, I don’t want to do it on my own. I promise you can bring me right back, as soon as the sun starts setting.’
‘How about I think it over for a bit, and when I come in tomorrow I’ll tell you what I’ve decided.’
‘Sure.’ She nods raising an eyebrow at him, ‘So going home to your sister? Or do you fancy a game of scrabble?’
‘I’ll get the board.’
Chapter Five
Letter 3
I know that after that last letter I gave you, you might think that I would stop going to school. I mean of all the reasons to bunk off school, being constantly bullied, and finding out that your mother has been fixing your grades, is a pretty good reason for staying away from the building. Maybe it would have been the smart thing to stop going, or to beg my parents to let me move to a different school. I didn’t do either of those things, though I did start skipping days. I would take a day or so off, then I would go back into school for a few days and people would ridicule me, I’d keep going in until I couldn’t stand it any longer, then I would take a few more days out, just wandering the city, sitting by the pond in central park, the one I want to go to, see I didn’t forget about the park. I still want to talk about that by the way, so don’t think you’re off the hook just because I haven’t mentioned it.
Anyway, my grades started returning to normal, my mother had quit her job before anyone could fire her; she got into another teaching job quickly, because none of the kids wanted to tell on her, they wanted to make my life misery, not hers. The teachers didn’t say anything, because in some way or another they’d all been involved, they’d known my grades were being inflated, and they had sat back and allowed it to happen.
This turn of events made things more difficult at home, my mom was furious that she’d had to give up her job, she was still a principal of a high school, but because there weren’t that many jobs going at the time, she ended up working as the principal in a public high school, and that was far from her ideal job.
My tuition was paid up until the end of the school year, but after the summer I didn’t know if I would be returning, I didn’t know if my mom would be willing to let me return, and I didn’t care if I went back or not. My grades had started slipping, and the bullying had become more constant and a lot worse, and so I had finally built up the nerve, I had decided to go and see my brother.
Wade lives in Connecticut like I told you; he was in grad school, and he lived in a comfortable house with his wife Becky, and their two year old son Robbie.
It was the first week of January when I went to see him, I had just gone back to school after winter break, and any hope that the kids would stop their abuse, was shattered when I was pulled into the girl’s bathrooms, surrounded by a group of girls, who all felt it was their duty to tell me how fat I’d gotten, and you need to understand that I’ve never been big, I was on the track team for a while, even though I no longer took part on any teams, since the bullying started, but I still kept up my running, and in doing so I was also careful about what I ate, I had been a vegan for a while, and I always tried hard to eat the right things, so that I could take care of my body. An athlete’s body that is what my gym teacher told me I had.
As you know I’m not tall, height has never been my defining point, but I was healthy, and by that I mean I was in a healthy weight range, and I knew that, I truly did, so why was it that their words could get to me so much. Honestly I have no idea, it’s not logical, but then I wasn’t really thinking logically at the time. The only way I can explain it is that same thing again, if you hear something about yourself enough times, then despite your better judgment, you start to believe it’s the truth.
After that day with the girls pulling me into the bathrooms, I needed one of my self-appointed breaks from school. I hadn’t even made a plan of what I would do, but then I was walking past a bus station, feeling at one of my lowest points, so I got on a bus to my brothers town. I had to walk a mile through the snow to get to his house, and then I had to sit on his porch for four hours, until he returned home from campus.
Becky, who wasn’t in school and had a job, usually worked late so it was just Wade and Robbie who arrived home at six. Wade spotted me sitting on the porch, I could tell because suddenly his pace quickened, and the expression on his face lost the smile that had been there. I wasn’t sure how much he knew about what had been going on, he knew that mom had changed jobs, I just didn’t know if he knew why.
He took my arm and led me inside, telling me to make coffee as he went to settle Robbie in his playpen, when Wade came back downstairs with the baby monitor in hand; I was curled up on the couch holding a cup of coffee in my hand. He sat next to me and I angled my body to face him. I was freezing cold, because it had started snowing heavily when I was waiting for him, and even though I knew where the key was – keeping it under the doormat is stupid – I didn’t want to go into the house, so I had just sat there letting the flakes drift down, and brush against my uncovered arms like the wings of butterflies.
It wasn’t even until I had gotten into the house that I realized how cold I was. I should have put my jacket on, but the entire time I was out there, it had been lying next to me on the snow covered porch.
‘What are you doing here?’ Wade picked up his cup of coffee, and I could see him thinking, I could see it all written on his face, that he knew what had happened with mom, and that he knew this had something to do with it.
‘I need your help, I just feel so completely lost at the moment, and I don’t have anyone else that I can turn to.’ I remember clutching the coffee cup so hard that it started to hurt, the words I was speaking were hard for me to get out, they were hard for me to admit, because it’s always hard to admit you need help.
‘What about mom and dad? I know that mom messed up, but you didn’t exactly handle things well wither, maybe the two of you should attempt to work things out.’
‘I’m sixteen, I’m not meant to have judgment as good as mom, I’m not meant to handle things well. I know what I did was stupid, but I was angry and upset, it was an impulsive move, what mom did was premeditated.’
‘Please can you not start rationalizing, ok?’
‘Fine,’ I’d stared at my coffee for a while before speaking again, ‘Mom doesn’t want to talk to me right now, she’s angry and so am I.’ I shrug my shoulders and hope he’ll drop this soon.
‘Why can’t you talk to dad about all this?’ He persists.
‘Because you know what he’s like, he doesn’t like to admit that there is anything wrong!’ I said growing more and more frustrated.
‘And is there? Is there anything wrong?’
‘I feel like everything is wrong at the moment.’ I admit shakily, I could hear Wade sigh as he set his coffee cup down.
‘You only feel like that because you’re angry with mom, but River, skipping school, withdrawing from your friends and peers, that is not going to help your situation, it’ll make you feel worse if anything, besides the way you have been acting recently, it’s very self-destructive.’
‘I didn’t come here for a therapy session, Becky is the therapist not you!’
‘Then why did you come here?’
‘Because I need your help Wade, I can’t talk to mom and dad doesn’t listen to anything I’ve got to say, as for my friends and peers, it isn’t me t
hat’s withdrawing from them, they all hate me!’
‘You’re being dramatic; I wish you would calm down a bit.’ He rolls his eyes, I had my phone in my pocket like usual, I could have pulled it out and shown him the countless emails, all filled with hate and bullying, but I wanted him to believe me, I didn’t want to have to show him proof, he should have trusted me, I wanted him to trust me and not treat me like I was overreacting.
‘I’m not Wade! Honestly the kids at school, even my friends have all turned against me, they keep saying all these horrible things, telling me that I’m far and ugly, or stupid and spiteful.’
‘That’s just how teenagers are sometimes, especially teenage girls, it’s nothing personal.’
‘It sure feels personal when I’m surrounded by a group of girls, poking me in the stomach, grabbing at me and telling me how big I am.’
‘Then do something about it!’ He sounds tired by this point, he’s already done with having this conversation, I could tell by the look on his face.
‘That’s why I’m here; I don’t know what to do.’ I beg with him to understand, and I think that he is starting to get it. He’s going to help me do something about the bullying; he’s going to help me find a way to deal with it, to end it.
‘Why don’t you take up and exercise class? Or a dance class?’ He suggests, and honestly I can tell you this right now, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, can you imagine what it felt like? I went to my brother for help, because I was being bullied at school, and his only piece of advice on dealing with their remarks, is to tell me to take an exercise class. All I kept thinking at the time was, he’s siding with them all, he’s telling me that I could do with losing some weight, he’s telling me that I’m not good enough the way I am.
How I Got Here Page 4
