by Alexa Davis
Soon enough, we’d have an entire album ready to go, and that was when our lives would start. That was the moment everything was going to change for the better.
I grabbed hold of my cell phone and glanced at Xander’s number in my contact list with a grin on my face. I hadn’t yet used that number for anything other than business, but I wanted to. I wanted him to know that I was missing him.
Hey, I sent, not sure what else to say. I didn’t want to totally commit to going into the studio tomorrow, even though I knew that I could, just in case.
Hi, beautiful, I was just thinking about you.
Oh, God, he was thinking about me; that was so sweet. How was a man as gorgeous as Xander, with so much going for him, thinking about me? I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it. Still, I wasn’t going to complain.
Me, too. I missed you today. My heart flapped violently in my chest. I felt like I had a coat hanger stuck in my mouth. I was beaming with happiness like an idiot since I was lying alone in my bed.
You have no idea how much I miss you. I can’t wait to see you again.
I almost broke my rule at that moment, I almost text him back and told him that I would see him tomorrow, but at the very last moment, I changed my mind.
Goodnight
Night
I flopped my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes for a moment, picturing the ways my life could now go. Again, my dreams had changed. Now I wasn’t just seeing album covers and sold out tours, I was thinking about love, about having a family...
I had never once ever considered what it would be like to have my own family unit. I guess I always assumed that it’d just be me and Kyle. I never tried to see myself with a husband and a child because I wasn’t sure how to have that. I’d never seen what it looked like. Would I be able to look after a child properly, having never been cared for myself? Was it something that someone like me could do?
I would like to assume that I could use my own negative experience in a good way. But what if it didn’t work out that way? What if I failed? I certainly wouldn’t want any child of mine in any kind of orphanage. I never wanted anyone I loved to have a similar experience, even if it wasn’t a bad one. If I ever did have kids, I wanted them with me all the time. I wanted to shower them with love every minute of every day.
Oh, God, what the hell is wrong with me? One whiff of a guy I liked, and I was imagining my entire future away. I was acting crazy; it was just lucky that he couldn’t read my mind. I would have scared him off in a heartbeat!
For now, I just needed to worry about all the career stuff. The relationship stuff would be much better if I let it happen naturally, hopefully.
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried my best to forget about all of it. I did need sleep if I wasn’t going to fail again. We had a contract now – I didn’t want to screw it up.
Chapter 19 – Xander (Monday)
I heard Michael grumbling before I even looked up from the newspaper. I didn’t need to look up to know that he was in a bad mood, but considering he was here, I was safe in the knowledge that at least this time I wasn’t to blame.
“You okay?” I kept my tone casual, trying my best to avoid another hothead situation. His face was taut, his expression strained, his whole body hunched up with stress. This wasn’t good, and I hoped that it didn’t affect us today.
“No, man, I’m fuming.” He grabbed his drink, spilling some of it over his hand without even noticing as he joined me where I was sitting. “Things have gone tits up with Steph.”
Oh, God, this isn’t good. This was the first woman I’d ever known him show more than one night’s worth of interest in, and now that was all gone. Something bad had to have happened for that to end.
I narrowed my eyes, knowing Michael’s history and wondering what he could’ve done. He’d spent a whole lot of his life hurting women’s feelings, and it seemed like this was going to be the same. “What happened?” I asked cautiously.
“She’s just crazy, you know?” His voice was shaky, and his face heated up. There was more to the story, but I knew that by pushing him, I wouldn’t get anything. He would shut down more. The last time I’d tried to extract information from him, he vanished for days. I couldn’t risk that again – it was awful. I didn’t know what to do.
“I just couldn’t deal with it, you know?”
“Right, sure,” I replied with tight lips. “That’s a shame.”
“Nope, no shame. Good riddance, I say.” He was tapping the table too hard, his irritation shining through, but still he didn’t tell me anything. “So, what do we have on the agenda today?”
“Oh, right. Well, we have Lila and Kyle written in pencil. She isn’t well, cold or flu, something viral, so we’ll just have to see if they show up. Then this afternoon we have the band Staid booked in.”
“Oh, right, that’s cool; should be a fun day then. How are Lila and Kyle getting on with everything?”
“The contract is signed, the album is being recorded, it’s all good.” I smiled brightly, glad to have some good news to distract him with. “Soon we can get it out on the shelves, and we’ll start making money.”
I noticed Michael open and close his mouth, as if he was about to say something, but he seemed to think better of it at the last minute. I furrowed my eyebrows at him, wishing that I could just question him, but he didn’t work that way. “Let’s get going then,” he finally announced. “We know how eager Lila and Kyle are.”
Just as Michael suspected, they were waiting outside the studio. Lila looked like a dream in her white tee and jeans combo. As she spun to look at me and her whole face lit up with joy, I heard Michael cough pointedly beside me. I quickly averted my eyes, not wanting him to guess. That was a conversation I wanted to have in a calmer environment.
Unfortunately, as Lila and Kyle went to set up, Michael pulled me to one side. “What is going on?” he hissed, looking unimpressed. “Are you dating Lila?”
I didn’t want to lie, and I hated to push my friend away, but I needed to protect Lila and what we had. “No, nothing’s going on. This is all just business.”
“Right...” I could tell by his tone that he didn’t trust me, but I wasn’t about to crack any time soon. “Okay, well, just be careful. You know that we don’t mix it up with the talent.”
“I know, I know.” I gulped and turned away from him, needing this conversation over before I accidently blurted out something I didn’t want to. “We better get ready. I need to check that Lila’s voice is ready.”
“Sure, sounds good. You do that while I get some paperwork filed. I have a meeting with the accountant tomorrow morning, and I want to get everything in order.”
As he walked off, I turned around to focus on the booth instead. I couldn’t concentrate on Michael now, not with Lila here. I wanted to watch her in peace, to see her bring that magic to life once more.
Especially in that room where we’d had the most amazing experience ever...
I took my seat with a massive grin on my face, recalling the beauty of her body spread across the piano. She was so gorgeous, such a natural beauty. I’d never been with anyone quite like her. As I looked at her, our eyes connected and I could see the same thoughts spinning through her brain, too. We both blushed a little.
This day wasn’t going to be easy, but it would be a whole lot of fun.
***
“So, I think you only need one more song,” I told them honestly once we were done. Now that I had the contract signed, I had Kyle record all the music, followed by Lila’s lyrics. There was only a little bit of work needed in the sound department – this would be one of the easiest projects that we’d ever had. This album would be out before we knew it.
Then, the hard work could begin.
“Yeah, I think you might be right.” Both Kyle and Lila looked happy at that news. I wasn’t sure they knew how this process worked, so they didn’t know how well they’d done, but their eyes were shining with happiness anyway.
This was the sort of act I liked working with. This was how people like Aiden needed to learn how to behave.
“We’ll get it done,” Lila insisted. “We’ll have it ready for you soon enough.”
“You did well today. Your voice must be feeling better?” She looked good, too... much more vibrant than she did on Saturday at any rate.
“Yeah, much better, thanks. I think the virus has totally vanished.”
We grinned at each other for just a beat too long, before I forced myself to drag my eyes away. It had to be obvious by now to Kyle that something was going on between me and Lila, but I wasn’t sure she’d told him directly. I didn’t want to step on any toes and force her into a conversation she wasn’t ready for.
“Well, I’m not concerned about the time it’ll take you finish the song. I think you two have it under control. Once you’ve got this one finished, you might even want to think about more songs. I have a feeling that we’ll be after another album.”
I didn’t usually say things like that, but I was so confident this was going to work. I just knew this would be more than a one-album deal.
“Yeah, okay,” Lila was nodding excitedly. “That sounds wonderful.”
As they walked outside, heading toward the bus stop, I went with them to chat just a little bit more. I had offered to give them a ride back, but they refused, stating a need to shop first. I wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye to Lila though, not until I had to.
“So, I might come to you for some advice about the last song, if that’s okay?” Kyle asked me cautiously. “Just all that stuff you said the other day made a lot of sense, and it’s been a huge help to me.”
“Of course!” I was more than happy to lend a hand. Just the fact that Kyle, who was very guarded and proud most of the time, would ask for my assistance was heartwarming. He didn’t realize he’d reignited my love for playing music, too, so any chance to practice that was awesome.
“That sounds great. We can either hang out at the studio and practice, or maybe at your apartment.”
“Thank you so much.” He grinned happily. I adored working with him. “That sounds wonderful.”
He stepped ahead and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, acting like he was searching for something important. I felt like that was clue enough that he’d had a talk about us from Lila. That was good; it meant that we only had one person to hide this from.
I still couldn’t let Michael know, especially not after that conversation we’d had earlier. Hopefully, Lila would know that without me having to vocalize it. It didn’t feel nice to say, “Can we keep us a secret?”
“So, did we do okay today?” she practically whispered to me. “My voice sounded all right?”
“Absolutely perfect. I couldn’t even tell that you’d been sick.” She was walking so close to me that I could feel her hip bumping against me with every step, and I enjoyed that sensation. “Your voice is lovely.”
“Well, thank you.” She beamed. “Well, how about I call you tomorrow? And we go from there?”
“What, you mean you aren’t going to spend the whole day sorting out your last song?” I gasped in mock surprise. “How could you?”
“Haven’t you heard? All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. And anyway, I wouldn’t worry – my boss is awesome. He won’t mind me having some time off.”
“Well, if that’s the case, then call me.”
I turned to say goodbye to her, having to leave, but the bus would turn up at any moment and there wasn’t any way I could string this out any longer. I lightly brushed my fingers against hers, wanting to drag her toward me. I needed to kiss her, to bring that spark back once more, but it didn’t feel like the right moment to do so. Not in such a public place, and not with Kyle there. Instead, I sent her a sad smile and tried to convey with my eyes what I wanted to be doing.
“I’ll speak to you tomorrow then,” she said quietly, drawing my attention to those beautiful plump lips of hers. “Looking forward to it already.” Her eyes were flaming with lust and desire, and her mouth was curled up in a smile. All I wanted to do was drag her to somewhere private where I could ravish her again, but this wasn’t the time for that. I felt like we’d get another chance, though.
“Maybe text me.” I wasn’t usually the sort of guy who enjoyed pointless messages. I liked them to say something substantial. I liked to spend my time typing for a good reason, but I had enjoyed her sweet messages to me the previous night. I enjoyed knowing that she was thinking about me. It made me happy. “A little later on.”
“I will.” We had an intense connection fixed between us. I was sure that we could both feel the unspoken emotions flowing. It was as if we had a language just for us. I’d never had that before, not even with my ex. This was all brand new to me, and I was enjoying every moment of it. “And I’ll see you soon, okay?”
I eventually managed to tear myself away, but even as I walked off, I could feel Lila’s hands in mine. This girl was special. I already missed her. It was a shame that I couldn’t share this exciting time of my life with Michael. It felt weird to have to keep something like this away from him, but it was the only way.
Chapter 20 – Lila (Thursday)
I bolted up in a state of panic, with terror coursing through my veins. My heart was thundering, crazily pounding in my chest, and there was nothing that I could do to calm it down. My mouth was dry with fear, and a tremble raced up and down my spine. I felt sick, there was nothing that I could do about it – this was the most terrified I’d ever been.
I couldn’t do it. There was just no way that I could do it. What the hell was I playing at? Had I gone insane? I was a fraud who shouldn’t even have been in the music industry. I was acting, playing a role, and that would soon come to an end. If I couldn’t think of lyrics to this last song, which I couldn’t, then I was going to lose my dream.
And even worse than that, I was about to wreck it for Kyle, too. He’d done his part; he’d written his music. This was all on me.
Shit, shit, shit.
I felt a total mess, with everything crumbling inside of me. If I didn’t talk to someone soon, I’d drive myself insane.
I jumped up and paced the room, biting down on my fingernails while trying my best to get my thoughts in order, but I couldn’t seem to do it. I hated to be so selfish, but I needed my brother right now. Kyle was the only one who could help me, so I tiptoed into his room and perched on the end of his bed.
“Kyle?” I hissed, shaking him gently. Maybe he wouldn’t be in a deep sleep, then I wouldn’t have to feel guilty for waking him up. “Kyle?” Okay, maybe I was shaking him a little harder now, but the desperation was clawing away inside of me. “Kyle, help me; wake up, please?”
“No,” he groaned, shaking me off. “No, what?”
“I’m sorry, Kyle. I hate to do this. Please wake up.”
Finally, he blinked his eyes open, and as soon as he saw my panic-stricken face he sat up a lot straighter. “What? What’s going on? Is the place on fire?”
“No, no.” I shook my head, all the thoughts jumbling up in my brain, confusing me even further. “I’m struggling. I can’t find any lyrics to this last song, and it’s driving me crazy. What am I going to do? What if I can’t do it? What if... What if everything falls apart because I can’t think of anything to write about?”
He sighed deeply and grabbed my arms with both hands. “You are doing fine,” he insisted calmly. “You are doing well with the song writing. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. This is all new and scary to both of us, but we’re managing it.”
He was right, and my breaths were becoming a little calmer. Somehow, Kyle was dulling the icy terror racing through me. “Okay, okay, you’re right.”
“Just do what you’ve been doing all this time. Use your life experiences to influence your music. Maybe... Maybe even what’s going on with you and Xander...”
I felt like this was his way of fishing to see how things were going, but I wasn�
�t about to go into that just yet. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”
There were lots of things that I could write about Xander. I’d just have to try and do it in a discrete way so he didn’t directly know that it was about him. I didn’t mind if he suspected. In fact, I’d like that, but I didn’t want to come across as crazy and stalker-ish. I was doing quite well at keeping the true depth of my emotions under control, and I didn’t want to ruin that.
“Okay, well, I’m gonna go back to bed. Thank you for this morale-boosting chat. I’ll see you in the morning.”
As I stood up, I smiled awkwardly at him, but Kyle didn’t even notice. He’d turned away from me and was practically snoring again. I was a little annoyed that it only seemed to be me who was plagued by insecurities, but I supposed if we both felt that way, we’d drag each other down further.
I moved quietly out of the room, planning more rest, but my eyes were too wide open and my brain racing. There was no chance of me sleeping. What I needed to do was try to write. I needed to try to get some of my thoughts down on paper before I lost confidence again.
I sat down at my desk, grabbed a pen and a piece of paper, and tried to go with the positivity flowing right through me. Words would come; I just needed to let them. I had to stop blocking my own creativity. I just needed the words to flow.
This was going to be good...
***
I felt groggy as hell as I lifted my head up from my desk, realizing that at some point, I must have fallen asleep on the paper. As I glanced down, there were still no words written down. The page was still frustratingly empty. I could’ve cried in despair.
How was I still failing so hard? What the hell was wrong with me? Why wasn’t my fling with Xander enough to inspire some words? At this rate, I was going to end up with nothing.
