by Alexa Davis
Well, anything except for the fact that I had feelings for her.
By the time I realized how I felt, by the time I understood what that all meant, I was well and truly in the friend zone. We hung out together all the time as friends, and it felt incredibly strange to try and change that. I also risked losing the most important person in my life, and I didn’t want to ever risk that.
So, I kept it all inside. I simply accepted that friendship was all that I would ever have and I was happy with that... At least, I thought I was. But as we grew, and my feelings got stronger, I couldn't help but notice that we seemed to touch each other more for no apparent reason and that everything we said to one another was sexually charged. At that point, I felt like if I didn’t say anything, I would regret it forever.
But I didn’t because I couldn't. I couldn't seem to work up the courage to do so. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to work out how to get those words out of my mouth. I drove myself damn near crazy with it.
The worst part about it was that I knew she wanted me, too... That was the bit that drove me to distraction. Because I’d become more aware of it, I could see it in her eyes, in the way that she spoke to me, and that made it even more frustrating. Why couldn't I just do it? Why wouldn’t she do it? Why were we so damn shy?
That was why the moment she left, I completely changed my attitude towards women. I wouldn’t wait around anymore, not ever, and I wouldn’t allow my feelings to run too deep, either. I knew how much both of those things could crush a person, so I wouldn’t do it again. One-time hook-ups, friends-with-benefits, that was where I could cope best and that was what I intended to stick with.
As I thought about the past, my eyes flickered up towards the clock, and I suddenly spotted that it was 7:45 a.m., only fifteen minutes before Peggy would be coming into my office, and I hadn’t looked at anything yet.
“Shit,” I muttered under my breath, instantly making my way to the bathroom. I needed to get my head out of the past and into the present if I was going to survive this. I couldn't go in there with nostalgia dripping off me. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror for a few seconds before splashing some ice-cold water on my face to try and shake myself from my thoughts.
Knock, knock.
I can’t even get a damn moment to myself to pull myself together! What the hell was this?
“Yes?” I called out sharply, not at all in the mood for anyone.
“Are you okay?” came the uneasy reply from Terri. “It’s almost time for your first patient.”
Fuck, she’s here already... I need to sort myself out and damn quickly, too.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied a little too rapidly. “I’ll be out in a moment.”
“Well, Mrs. Baker is here already, so I’ll check her vitals and put her in room one for you. Shall I leave her file there, too?”
“Yes, please,” I called out, actually feeling a little bit of gratitude towards Terri. It wasn't her fault I was in this mess; I probably shouldn’t have been taking it out on her. “Thank you; I appreciate it.”
As I walked into the examination room to face my fear, my heart was still rapidly bouncing about in my chest. I had managed to steel myself a little bit, but while Peggy’s reaction to me was still a massive unknown, I couldn't turn all my emotions off.
“Hello there, Mrs. Baker,” I smiled brightly at her. “It’s nice to see you today...” I picked up the chart, trying to bury my face in it for a second, hoping that she wouldn’t recognize me, but of course, she did. How could she not, when I’d been such a huge part of her daughter’s life?
“Oh, Doctor Turner... I never thought that it would be you!” she exclaimed in shock. “The name didn’t even register. How are you, Matt? Wow, I can’t believe that you’re all grown up now and saving people’s lives.”
“I’m okay, thanks,” I told her as my face flushed brightly. This attention was a little too much, especially since I had no idea what to say to her. “And, how are you doing?”
“Well obviously, not great, or I wouldn’t be here!” As she joked about a very serious disease, I found my heart fluttering with the memory of what things were like before. She was always that way, making light of the things we found terrible, and in a way, it was nice to see she hadn’t changed one bit.
“Well, of course,” I blushed once more. “It’s nice to see you, too, but I wish it was under better circumstances.”
“I’m just glad to have found a doctor that doesn’t charge the Earth for treatment,” she told me with a seriousness to her tone. “This whole cancer thing was starting to become something of a financial nightmare.”
There it was again, the one thing I hated about working in the medical industry: the extortionate costs of simply staying alive. It didn’t seem fair at all to me.
“Life is worth more than money,” I replied, giving her a reassuring smile. “Especially for someone as lovely as you.”
“Ooh, you always were nice.” She tapped my arm as she replied, which sent a cold bolt of shock through me.
If she thought that about me, clearly she hadn’t heard the truth about what happened between me and Ashlee in the end. I didn’t want to ask her, just in case it was something she was simply leaving in the past, but I couldn't help feeling intrigued.
To try and stop myself from saying something I knew I shouldn’t, I buried my head in the chart, just to give me something else to think about, and I was quickly stunned to find out just how serious the cancer was. This wasn't some early stage stuff I was dealing with here; this was bad – and it looked like it was only going to get worse.
“Okay, so what I would like to do is run some tests, if that’s okay with you? I know you’ve already been through a lot with your previous doctor, but I prefer to have my own evidence to work with.”
“That’s fine,” she replied, grinning at me. “I’m like a pin cushion these days anyway, and I’m sure that’s only going to get worse as time goes on.”
God, the way she was taking it was utterly heartbreaking.
“You can come back Monday for us to go over the results; how does that sound?”
“Perfect. I can bring Ashlee along with me then; she wants to know exactly what is going on with me, so that’s perfect.” She sighed deeply, and I had to purse my lips to stop myself from asking the million and one questions that were threatening to spill out. “I’ve told her that I don't need any help, but she’s insisted on moving back here, and well... You know what she’s like.”
I gulped down a big ball of emotion before nodding. I did know what she was like: sweet, generous, caring, stubborn when it came down to it, but always for the right reasons. She was the perfect woman, and I’d been stupid enough to throw what I had with her, what I could have had with her, away.
I was an idiot.
And now, she was moving back. What the hell was I supposed to do with that information?
“Well, I’ll look forward to seeing her, too, then,” I eventually said through a lump of feelings. “That will be great.”
Chapter Six
Ashlee
Saturday
As the taxi whizzed me through the streets, taking me from the airport to my mother’s home – my home – my mind felt dizzy with everything I was going to have to face. I knew I was doing it to help my mother, but in a way, it felt like I was taking ten steps back in my life. It was almost like I was reverting to being a teenage girl, driven by hormones and bad decisions. Looking back, I really didn’t like that version of myself, but just being there was causing it to slowly creep back through my veins.
When I left Florence, it was in a haze of anger and I was desperate to go. I certainly didn’t think I would ever end up coming back. Especially, if he was still here. If someone had told me a few years back that this was what I would be doing, I would have laughed in their face. Yet there I was, doing just that...
I sighed deeply, watching the familiar places go past the car window. The park, where I�
��d first tried alcohol with my best friend at the time, Kerri Swanson, when I was sixteen. We drank a few bottles of cider that she managed to get one of the older guys to buy us, and she liked it just a little too much. I spent most of the night holding her hair back while she vomited into the bushes.
Then, there was the school building itself. The place where friendships that I assumed were going to be lifelong were built, the hallways where I started to learn who I was and what I would be to the world, in a way, the main experience that led me to become the person I was. If we’d lived anywhere else, or if we’d moved after my father was killed in a motorcycle accident, I would have been someone else entirely...a thought that was a little overwhelming.
As we got nearer to my childhood home, I noticed the large willow tree, which meant everything to me – a tree that I hadn’t managed to forget however hard I tried. I even spun around in my seat to watch it go past, not even caring what the taxi driver might think, as emotions flowed right through me.
This was a mistake, I thought to myself in a panic. I should never have come back here; there’s no way I’ll be able to face Matthew and keep my pride intact. It might have been years since we last saw one another, but there’s no denying that the damage is still there, crushing me from the inside out.
I slumped back in the seat, allowing my eyes to flicker shut while the memory of my first kiss filled my mind.
Matthew and I used to hang out under that tree on the walk home from school, just gossiping and laughing before facing our families. There was nothing wrong with our parents or anything; it wasn't like we were having a difficult time at home. We were just typical teens who preferred the company of one another, rather than that of adults.
Things had been shifting between us. I’d been noticing it for a while, and I was frustrated by the lack of physical signs of things becoming more than mere friendship. I adored Matthew. I had for a very long time, and I was starting to see that just maybe he liked me, too. All his male friends were dating prolifically, but he wasn't, which I decided to take as a positive sign, a hint that it was because he wanted me.
I wasn't sure what had come over me that day. I think it was just the stress of the fact that we were rapidly heading towards the end of school and I was starting to get the sense that everything was going to change. I knew it would; I wasn't naive enough to think ending school wouldn’t affect anything, but my friendship with Matthew was the only thing I didn’t want to let go of.
I got the impression that if I kissed him and we got together, everything would be fine. Of course, I was wrong – but I didn’t figure that out until a little later.
So, as we sat there that day, under the tree, I just went for it. A massive bolt of bravery shot right down to my core and I leant in and pressed my lips against his. Even the memory of it sent a shiver down my spine.
At first, he seemed a little stunned by my move, and that horrible sensation that he might just reject me coursed through my veins. But luckily, after a few moments, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer, moving his mouth harmoniously with mine.
It was the best moment of my whole damn life, and even to this day I hadn’t managed to find someone who kissed me as well as he did.
Damn it, this was going to be so fucking hard!
I began fidgeting in my seat, messing with my clothes, my hair, my hands, working myself into a real frenzy, which continued until we finally pulled up outside the house.
It’s going to be fine, I warned myself. This move isn’t about me and my petty issues. This is about Mom and making things better for her.
I paid the driver and hauled the one suitcase I’d brought with me towards the house. Before I even managed to knock on the door, Mom was there, out on the porch. She’d obviously been waiting for me, staring out of the window, and she couldn't wait for me to come inside.
“Ashlee, it’s so nice to see you!” She grinned happily, opening her arms to hug me. As I fell into her embrace and allowed my arms to work their way around her body, I was instantly shocked to feel how thin she’d gotten. I could practically feel all her ribs under the sweater she was wearing. It proved that she was feeling cold despite the heat, and that had me worried, too.
It was a good thing that I’d come. Mom was obviously playing down her illness a lot, so I really needed to be here. She might have been a very strong woman, but there was no way she could have gone through this alone. I needed to push everything else aside and to focus on her; this was no time to be thinking about crazy bullshit from the past. What the hell had I been thinking?
“It’s good to see you too, Mom; shall we go inside?” I didn’t like her being out, so I put my hand on the small of her back and guided her in. “How have things been?”
“Oh, you know...” she said a little vaguely, as if she didn’t quite understand what I was on about. “It’s been good. It’s a little strange being back here, but nice, too.”
“You only moved a couple of towns over, Mom,” I teased her. “It isn’t like you moved across the country!”
“Oh, I know, but I still haven’t been back for a long while. Maybe not as long as you, but still.” I didn’t want to get into that. It raised too many questions. “Is that really all you’ve brought?” She indicated towards my suitcase. “Will that be enough?”
“The rest of it is coming on Thursday or Friday,” I smiled at her. “Plus my car, too. I mean, I know this place isn’t big enough for all my stuff, so I’ll get a lot of it into storage until I sort somewhere out for myself.”
“Don’t be silly!” she insisted quickly. “I want you to have all your stuff here. I don't want it to be decorated the way it was before; I want it to be new. We’re both adults now. I want this home to be as much yours as it is mine.”
I nodded slowly to myself, not wanting to tell her that staying at the house hadn’t been in my plan whatsoever. Back when I formed that plan, I didn’t realize how sick Mom was, though, so maybe it was time to make a different plan. Maybe this was where I needed to be for the foreseeable future, after all.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Mom started once more, making me feel a little anxious. She only used that tone of voice when she had something to say that I wasn't going to like. “But I ran into Kerri today. Do you remember her?”
“Of course I do,” I grinned. “I didn’t realize that she still lived here. I suppose I lost touch with everyone when I left.”
“Well, I saw her in the supermarket with her son and invited her over to dinner. I thought it might be nice for you to have someone to reconnect with while you’re here.”
“Oh my God, she has a son?!” I gasped in shock. “Wow, that’s...something else. It’ll be great to reconnect with her, though.”
My mind reeled with that information, trying to picture my crazy best friend as a mom, but I couldn't quite see it.
It did also give me pause for thought with regards to my life, too. I might have had a career, but I’d given that up, and I was certainly nowhere near to being married or having a child. Was I falling behind? Had I been so focused on moving on that I’d missed out on all the big milestones that were supposed to have happened by now? Was Kerri going to think that I was a real sad freak?
*****
By the time Kerri showed up for dinner, I was all tied up in knots about it, worried that she was going to think all kinds of things about my life. But as soon as she walked through that door, the last few years simply fell away. Despite our lives going in vastly different directions, we instantly became the girls we once were.
This was probably easier because she’d left her son at home with the babysitter because it gave us the freedom to be more of ourselves, but the more that the night went on, the more I wanted to meet him, too.
Mom had cooked us a lasagna dinner, and we all sat around drinking endless glasses of wine and laughing happily as we caught up on one another’s lives. Kerri told us some gossip about the people still living in the town, but I couldn't he
lp noticing that there was one name she didn’t mention: a doctor that I was going to be faced with soon enough.
Eventually, Mom gave up and went to bed, leaving me and Kerri alone, which gave me the opportunity to ask the questions that I really wanted to know the answer to.
“I can’t believe that you’ve had a baby,” I giggled, feeling the wine coursing through me. “That’s crazy. How old is he?”
“He’s two now,” she replied, pulling out her phone to show me a few pictures.
I wouldn’t have normally gone to the next question, but I was admittedly a little tipsy and the filter I usually had was nowhere to be seen. “Who’s the father?” I guess what I really wanted to know if she was married, and if I really was far behind, but luckily, she shook her head and laughed.
“I don’t know. Grant won’t tell me when I ask,” We burst into hysterical laughter at that one. “I’m honestly not sure, but at this point, it doesn’t matter.”
Wow, I didn’t know what to say to that one. Kerri was always a little freer with herself than I was in school, but that was because I was so hung up on Matthew. At least there was one thing to come from it: I wasn't the only one who didn’t fully have her life together. I guessed that was something.
Chapter Seven
Matthew
Monday
I sat at my desk, tapping my pen anxiously, which was a habit I’d gotten into as my finances started to go downhill. But this had nothing to do with money – this was all to do with the test results sitting in front of me. I didn’t want to believe it, but the evidence was there, I was staring right at it.
