She Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.

by Allana Walker

  “Lennon, I'm only younger by about three minutes.” I turn away from the look Tristan is giving me. “Let's get you home to bed.” I sigh as we reach my car. “I'll sit in the back with him. Are you sober enough to drive?”

  “I haven’t touched a drop tonight.”

  Nodding, I hand Tristan my keys as I bend to strap Lennon in.

  “I think I'm gonna puke!” Lennon says, as we near their apartment.

  “Lennon, don't you dare puke in my car! If you do, hangover or not, tomorrow you will be cleaning it!” I warn him. He starts chuckling. No, not chuckling, but full on belly laughing. At what, I have no idea.

  “Oh God.”

  We park up and help Lennon up to their apartment. “Why can't you guys be at the bottom?” I say breathlessly as Tristan opens the door.

  “Try carrying a girl up here while she's wrapped around your waist,” Lennon says.

  “Ew.” I make a face.

  “Right, Tristan?” He smiles, leaning his head against the wall.

  Knife, meet heart, and twist.

  I walk Lennon to his room and lay him on his bed while Tristan grabs him a couple of Advil and a glass of water. “Lillia, Tristan loves you. He won’t admit that he does. I can see you guys getting married and having kids,” he mumbles as I take his Vans off. This information shocks me; he always pretends he doesn't know me in public, but privately he is the sweetest guy. He's Tristan, the Tristan I fell in love with all those years ago.

  “You're drunk, Lennon.” I pull him up to take his t-shirt off. “Besides, he likes Kacey.”

  “I love you, Lillia,” he says and starts snoring.

  I sit for a bit, just thinking about everything. What I'm gonna do after college, how I can move on from Tristan. I look at the photo on Lennon’s bedside table and smile. It's of us when we were about eight years old at Disney World. I'm dressed as Tinkerbell and he's dressed as Peter Pan. I'm gonna miss him. I kiss his head and make my way to the living area, hoping Tristan has gone to bed.

  “Lillia?” No such luck. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and turn. “Can we talk?” he asks. I nod and take a seat on the chair. “What did Lennon mean when he said he would have kicked my ass back in high school after what I pulled with you?”

  Wow, he's going right for it. And he really doesn't know?

  “You’re kidding me, right? You honestly don't know what you did?”

  “I don't. So, please fill me in.”

  “My sixteenth birthday, my dad threw us a pool party. I went up to my room and you followed. You said you had been having thoughts about me every day since we moved next door to your parents a year prior. I said I felt the same and you kissed me. My stomach did flips, Tristan. I felt like I had a fucking zoo stomping about in my stomach.

  “We had sex. It was my first time. We got cleaned up and went back to the party. I was so happy. I didn’t see you again until school on Monday. I was happy until I saw you draped all over Darcy Masters. My heart shattered, Tristan. You did that. You broke my heart. You made me never want to trust a guy to touch me again.

  “I tried so hard to forget you. Stupid, right? How could I forget you when I saw you constantly in my house or at your house, given that you're my brother’s best friend and I'm your brother’s best friend? I was glad at graduation that I would finally get away from you and move on with my life in college. I didn't get that though. You came to the same college as me and I just couldn't keep away from you.

  “You pretended I didn't exist all through high school from that day onwards. Do you know how dirty you made me feel? I felt used! You made me feel like a fucking whore!” I shout, with tears falling down my cheeks. “Do you have any idea how it feels loving someone who doesn’t love you back? It’s like a thousand tiny daggers piercing through your heart. You die on a daily basis.”

  “Lillia, I had no idea.” He sighs, looking down.

  “Of course you didn't,” I scoff, rolling my eyes.

  “I honestly didn't mean for any of that to happen.”

  “Whatever, Tristan. I don't care anymore. I'm done.” I grab my keys, my voice almost breaking.”After graduation, I'm moving to New York. I haven't told Lennon or my family yet and I would be grateful if you didn't tell them.”

  I stand and walk towards the door, leaving him shocked and guilt-ridden.

  I mean it; I’m done being his doormat. A glorified booty call. It stops now, as much as it pains me. I need to move on or I will be miserable for the rest of my life. It’s time to look after me. Find someone who will be with me for me.

  I watch Lilla walk out of the apartment trying to stay strong and fight the emotion I saw on her face. Her eyes were clouding over with unshed tears and I didn’t miss her voice almost breaking at her telling me she’s done. I knew I had hurt her back in high school, but never did I imagine that she had it in her mind that I thought she was a whore and that I used her for my own pleasure. You were a dickhead, dickhead! I lost my virginity that day too. I was young and stupid. My parents were fighting about anything and everything, and I was scared about how she made me feel whenever she looked at me with those beautiful green eyes of hers. She walked into a room, and I was instantly turned on. My heart hammered against my ribcage; still feel like that, like my heart is about explode. I still think about that day and the day after, and it killed me watching her face fall when she saw Darcy all over me.

  Four Years Ago

  “Come on, honey. It’s your sixteenth birthday. You should be out there with all your friends, enjoying it.” I hear Mrs. Kennedy soothe Lillia. I saw her sneak into the house after a run in with Darcy. I wanted to make sure she was okay.

  “Mom, we both know the only reason all these people are even here is because of Lennon.” My heart skips a beat when she speaks. “The only friend I have is Aiden,” she whispers. My mouth turns down into a frown. She doesn’t think of me as a friend? I want to be more than that. I sigh inwardly.

  “Oh, honey, you know that’s not true. What about that Darcy girl?” Mrs. Kennedy asks. I almost snort with laughter. Darcy hates Lillia with a passion. For what reason, I have no idea. Lillia is the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out. “You two seem to be talking a lot.”

  “Mom, she hates me.” Her voice sounds so low and sad, I just want to run in there and make her feel better and tell her how I really feel, but I can’t. I’ll only hurt her in the long run. “Everyone at school does.”

  “Oh, I don’t believe that for one second. You’re the kindest, sweetest girl I know.”

  “You have to say that. I’m just Lennon’s geeky sister to them.”

  “What about Tristan? I know he doesn’t see you as just Lennon’s sister.”

  My back straightens at the mention of my name. I lean in closer to hear what she has to say.

  “Mom, he only puts up with me and puts on a show in front of Lennon and Aiden because they include me in everything. I’m sure if he had his way he would tell me to get lost like everyone else.”

  My heart aches at her words. Does she really think I’m like all those idiots in our school? To be fair, I haven’t given her any indication that I’m different from them. But I am!

  “I think he really does like you, Lillia.” More than you know. “Now, come on. Get that swimsuit on that we searched for the whole day yesterday and get out there before your father comes up to find you himself.” Lillia giggles and it’s like music to my ears.

  Her laugh, her smile. I can see the dimple on the right side of her mouth in my mind’s eye and I just want to kiss it. I want to kiss her all over. I’m lost in my own fantasy. I don’t notice Mrs. Kennedy smiling at me. She’s an older version of Lillia; the only difference is her eyes. Lillia has green, whereas Mrs. Kennedy has brown.

  “You okay, sweetie?” I love Mrs. Kennedy. She treats me like one of her own, same with Mr. Kennedy. We spend most of our time over here; we have meals and games nights. Aiden and Lillia study while Lennon and I play the Xbox.
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br />   “I just wanted to make sure Lillia was okay.” I nod, looking towards her door.

  “Nothing a friend couldn’t fix. Maybe you could talk some sense into her. She seems to think everyone at school hates her.” I can see the look of worry flitter across her face for her daughter. “That’s not true is it, Tristan?”

  “They’re just jealous of her, Mrs. Kennedy.” I don’t want to betray Lillia by telling her a lie and saying she’s very much liked.

  “Could you talk to her? She might listen to you.” A secretive smile graces her lips, like she knows something I don’t know.

  “I’ll try, Mrs. Kennedy.”

  I walk into Lillia’s room and there are books everywhere I look. I walk further in and a thought pops into my head. I’ll build her a library someday. She deserves a serene place to read in peace. I make a mental note to draw up the plans for her library when I go home tonight.

  Turning, I’m faced with a wide-eyed Lillia, standing in a two-piece swimsuit. My eyes roam up her long tanned legs and over her stomach. I stop a little longer than I should at her breasts. I groan inwardly and continue up her body to her wide green eyes.

  “Tris…” Her voice comes out like a squeak, and clearing her throat, she continues. “Tristan, what are you doing up here? In my room?”

  I don’t say anything. I walk right up to her, taking her head in my hands, and lean in close, my lips hovering above hers. Her hot breath mixes with mine. Her breathing comes out in short bursts; her hands rest on my forearms and send goosebumps all the way up my arms, causing me to shiver. She’s about to say something, but my mouth descends onto hers and I swear there’s fireworks louder than the Fourth of July happening here in this room. Never in my life have I kissed a girl and felt it all the way through my body. She lets out a little moan. I don’t know what comes over me; I move my hand to her hip and pull her closer to me. Her body tenses, but loosens the longer the kiss goes on. I run my tongue along her closed mouth, wanting more than anything to deepen the kiss. She must want it too because her mouth opens, our tongues fighting against one another like the battle at Castle Black in Game of Thrones. Lillia’s hands slide up my arms to the back of my neck, her fingers sliding in my hair, and she scrapes her nails across my scalp, driving me crazy. I deepen the kiss further, walk her back towards her bed, and lay her down, never breaking the kiss. I run my hand down her side to the string holding her bottoms on and yank it free. I break the kiss and look into her hooded green orbs. Our breathing is erratic as we gaze into each other’s eyes, my dick painfully hard, begging me to let it free. Lillia’s hand glides down my chest, over my abs to the waistband of my swim shorts. She stops and asks me with her eyes if it’s okay. I give her a slight nod, not trusting my voice. Her small hand wraps around my dick and it feels amazing; a tingling sensation appears at the bottom of my spine. If I don’t remove her hand, I’m gonna come. Removing her hand, I scold myself for the loss of contact. Taking her hand, I kiss it lightly on the back.

  “Are you sure?” I ask. She nods, looking me in the eye. I see fear and lust all rolled into one, mirroring my own. “Maybe we shouldn’t.” I lean my forehead on hers, sighing and cursing myself for saying those words.

  “No.” Lillia places her hand on my cheek. “No, I want this.” Her voice is small but determined. She wastes no time in pushing my shorts off. I untie the other side of her bottoms and throw them on the floor. “Do you… um…” She swallows. “Do you have a condom?”

  Shit. I didn’t plan on having sex today. The look must show on my face because her face falls and I hate that look. “Wait here.” I kiss her lightly on the lips, throw on my shorts, and sprint to Lennon’s room. Rifling through his drawers, I find an opened pack of Trojan condoms. I run back to Lillia’s room but she’s nowhere to be found. My heart races. She’s changed her mind. I’m about to turn around and walk out of the door back to the party when I stop in my tracks. Lillia is standing naked before me. Ripping the foil packet using my teeth, I march towards her and slam my lips to hers. We’re all hands, mouths, and tongues when I lay her back down on her bed and roll on the condom. My heart hammers against my chest. Never in my life did I think I would lose my virginity to a woman as beautiful as Lillia Kennedy. The girl I love and will always love for the rest of my days.

  It occurs to me that I do love her and have probably loved her since the day she moved in next door. She was this sulky teenager, wearing her jean shorts that showed off her long legs, the same legs that I have had wrapped around my waist on more than a few occasions. That night she was talking about, the night we slept together? That was my first time too.

  Yup, you guessed it. I have only ever been with Lillia. I have tried with other girls but I just couldn't; it felt like I was cheating somehow. She's the sweetest, most amazing woman I have ever met and I broke her.

  I grab the glass on the coffee table and launch it towards the door. It smashes into pieces, just like I did to her heart, and now mine is shattering into tiny pieces too. I sink to the floor with my back against the wall, facing the front door, the door she just walked out of, and probably out of my life for good. A single tear falls from my eye. I run my hand through my hair as I think about how all of this could have been avoided. If I had just been a man that day at school and not the cowardly bastard that I am and will always be.

  I’m still sitting on the floor when the front door opens. I have no idea how long I’ve sat here.

  “What the hell?” Aiden says, looking at the mess on the floor. “Tristan?” He looks down at me. I just stare towards the door, hoping Lillia will walk back through and talk to me. “Tristan, what the hell happened?” He kneels down in front of me, blocking my staring contest with the door.

  “Lillia.”

  “What about Lillia? Has something happened to her?” Panic for his best friend’s wellbeing is evident in his voice. I just stay silent. I happened to her. He shakes me. “Tristan, what the fuck happened to Lillia?”

  “I broke her! I fucking shattered her heart! I'm the asshole who took her virginity, treated her like a fucking whore all these years, all because I can't admit to my feelings for her! I fucking love her with all my heart and soul. Why can't I tell her that?” I shout, tears falling, thinking about Lillia leaving because of me. “Why can't I tell her? Huh, Aiden? Please tell me why I can't?” I sob as he pulls me to him.

  “I don't know, but you have to do something. Look what it's doing to you guys.” He sighs, releasing me as he sits next to me.

  “Do what? What am I supposed to do? She hates me. I'll be lucky if she ever talks to me again.” I look down at my watch and see it’s six thirty a.m. I've been sitting here for over four hours just staring at a fucking door.

  “You have no idea! She fucking loves the bones of you. She may put on this front and tell you she hates you and she doesn't love you anymore, but that's just Lillia. She won't let anyone see how much something or someone has hurt her. I know, I'm her twin.” Lennon’s pissed off voice penetrates my ears. I look up and see him walking towards me. I’m prepared for him to hit me but he joins us on the floor instead.

  “You hurt her really bad back then, Tristan. I had to hold her while she cried over it.”

  My head snaps up to look at my brother. “You knew? And didn’t tell me?”

  “She didn't tell me straight away, but I saw how you were whenever Jack Jameson or any other guy would flirt with her. You turned green, and she would leave whenever you flirted or kissed someone else at school. I called her out on it and she told me.” He shrugs.

  I sigh and look down. I only did it because I didn't think she liked me anymore. “What am I going to do?” I look at my best friend and brother, pleading with them to help me.

  “You have to prove to her that you love her,” Lennon says, like it’s as easy as that.”Woo her. Make her see that you’re not the asshole she thinks you are.”

  “And how do you suppose I do that? She hates me. You say she puts on a front and all that sh
it but you didn't see the look in her eyes before she left. She wasn't the same girl I fell in love with. I could see the hate in there.” I sigh, standing up.

  “Where are you going?” Aiden asks, standing too.

  “Going for a shower. I have class in an hour.”

  That class was excruciating. I had to endure Kacey. Kacey has been flirting like crazy with me since the first year. No matter if I ignore her, or tell her to her face I'm not interested, she won't take the hint.

  “Tristan.” She walks beside me.

  “Kacey.” I nod, walking down the hall.

  “I was wondering if you wanted to come over.” She touches my shoulder as I stop at the men's room and turn to her.

  “No. I have some work to do,” I say, and walk into the men's room. I stay in there for a while, hoping she’s gone.

  Nope. No such luck.

  “Come on, Tristan. You know you want to.” She smiles, biting her lip, her hand on my chest, pushing me against the wall. Before I have a chance to say anything, her lips are on mine. I see the worst thing that can possibly happen from the corner of my eye. Lillia is standing there, but she's not there for long. She runs out of the double doors.

  I push Kacey off and wipe my mouth. “How many times do I have to tell you? I am not interested!”

  “Come on, you are. I know by the way you look at me.” She tries to touch me again.

  “No, I’m not! Now go find some other poor soul to get your claws into and leave me the hell alone!” I shout, running after Lillia.

  Oh God. I can't breathe. It's high school all over again. I walk out into the autumn sun, with tear-stained cheeks. Why does this hurt so much? I pretty much said I didn't want anything more to do with him anymore, which was a big lie. But I know I’m not good enough for him. He deserves someone like Kacey Jones.