“Please continue, it sounds like I had a fine time.”
“You also said I didn’t know anything about men. Then you kissed me until…” She drew in a sharp breath. “Well, you kissed me.”
“My behavior sounds absolutely deplorable, Mrs. Ketchum,” he said in tight-lipped mirth. “But I have kissed you before, and if I get the chance, I will do so again.”
“I don’t know why you persist.” Rachel said perplexed. “We both know eventually we’ll go our separate ways.”
Wade closed the distance between them. “That’s true. But you can’t deny there is something between us.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rachel murmured.
“You’re naïve, Rachel, but you’re not stupid. Even you have to recognize that we’re drawn to one another,” he said as he brushed a stray lock of hair away from her face.
“Leave it be, Wade. You drink, you cuss, you’re not a Godly man. I hired you to take us to Oregon, not become my husband in the flesh,” she whispered.
“Maybe it’s time someone showed you what being with a man is all about,” he said as he moved swiftly to take her in his arms.
She took a step back away from him. “See that’s just the kind of response I should expect from a man like you.”
“Rachel you can expect that kind of response from any man when there’s a beautiful woman like yourself tempting him.”
“Not the men in my Papa’s church,” Rachel argued.
Wade resisted the urge to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she listened. “Are you certain about that? My daddy’s business was full of good men who attended church on Sunday morning after being in his saloon Saturday night.”
Rachel gasped. “I don’t believe you.”
“I don’t give a fig if you do. But they were the same men I saw in church the next morning.”
“You were in church?” she asked incredulously.
“I know you may find it hard to believe, but there was a time in my life when I attended.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why didn’t you ask?”
“I don’t know,” she replied meekly. “I just assumed…”
“You assumed I’ve never been to church. You’re as big a hypocrite as the rest of ’em,” he said, annoyed at her response.
Rachel became indignant. “I am not.”
She turned away, disillusionment on her face. Her voice became low, almost sorrowful. “I don’t like lying to everyone I meet. I don’t like pretending to be something I’m not. But I had no choice! I’m lying because I have to.”
Wade felt bad for calling her a hypocrite, but damn, the woman was trying his patience. And it infuriated him that she always assumed the worst about him.
“When my mother was alive we attended church every Sunday, though we were shunned by the parishioners because of my father’s saloon. I’ve had a lot of experience with hypocrites.”
Rachel turned around to face him, the shock apparent on her face, and in her hazel eyes. “I thought…”
Wade took two steps toward her. He was inches from her. His hands were clinched, his breathing ragged, his head vibrating at the sudden memories. The memories of a small boy shunned by the other kids every Sunday because his father owned a saloon.
“You thought I was a lying, womanizing, card-playing drunk. You assumed the worst about me. And just maybe your assumptions are correct, because I can’t say I want to be the bloodless imitation of a man you think you want. Someone like Ethan.”
Rachel whirled around and almost ran inside the wagon.
* * *
That night after the children had been put to bed, Rachel went to Ethan and Mary’s camp, hoping Mary would talk her out of this slump. Wade had disappeared after their confrontation in the morning and had yet to return. Rachel had spent the evening wondering how she could go on pretending with Wade, yet fearful he would never return.
Strolling into the Beauchamps’ camp, she realized Mary was nowhere in sight. Ethan sat by the fire, relaxing.
Rachel said, “good evening. Where’s Mary?”
“She went down to visit Emily for a spell,” Ethan replied. “You look tired tonight. Are you feeling all right?”
Rachel wanted to open up her heart, but part of her resisted. “I’m fine. It’s just that sometimes I miss Papa more than I let on.”
“He’s not been gone that long, Rachel. Grief takes a while to get over.”
“I know. It’s just that I miss going to him whenever there was a problem with one of the children. At night we used to sit around the fire and talk about them.”
Rachel pulled her shawl tighter around her trembling shoulders. The night air was crisp, the stars were bright.
Ethan glanced up at the stars. “It’s too pretty a night for us to be sitting around having a spell of the doldrums. Why don’t we go for a walk?”
“Mary wouldn’t mind?”
“Mary knows you’re an old friend. But how about Wade?”
A tiny laugh escaped her lips. “He doesn’t care.”
Rachel twisted the edge of her shawl in her tightly closed fist. She swallowed, holding back the flood of tears that threatened to spill.
Ethan placed her arm in the crook of his elbow. “I’m a good listener, if you want to tell me what’s troubling you.”
“Please don’t ask, Ethan. I can’t tell you,” Rachel implored.
“My dear, I’m a minister. You can tell me anything. Your secrets are safe with me.”
The need to talk about her burdens to someone was more than she could bear.
“When Papa died, Becky and the children were depending on me to get us to safety. We had no one.” Rachel paused, unsure if she should continue. “Wade guided us to Fort Laramie, but Frank Jordan wouldn’t let us join up with the wagon train, because I didn’t have a husband. So I found Wade in the saloon and asked him to marry me.”
“Rachel, a lot of marriages began on less,” Ethan said with a dismissive wave.
“It’s not that.” Rachel twisted her hands around her shawl. Finally she blurted out, “Wade didn’t want to get married.”
Ethan paused in the dark, his hand gripping her arm as if she would run away.
“Rachel, what are you saying?”
She drew in a deep breath. “We agreed to pretend we were married until we reached Oregon.”
“You’re not really married?” There was surprise in his voice.
“No.”
“I don’t know what to say, except I’m shocked.”
Even in the darkness she could see his eyes searching her, could feel them probing her almost as if he wanted to touch her. The sensation made her uncomfortable.
“We’re not sleeping as man and wife. We’ve never…” She couldn’t continue.
The hand that rested on Ethan’s arm was suddenly covered by his other hand. “You’ve never consummated.”
“No,” Rachel whispered in the darkness, mortified they were discussing her virginity.
He squeezed her hand, drawing her in closer.
“It was the only way to continue on to Oregon.”
“You took a mighty big chance with your reputation,” Ethan responded, with a sigh.
“I didn’t have a choice. We could have been stuck in Fort Laramie the rest of our lives. I would never return to Tennessee,” Rachel explained, and a brief flash of anger struck her as she realized Ethan didn’t understand her lack of choices.
Crickets twittered in the night air before he finally said, “What’s wrong, Rachel? You’ve explained how you got to be in this situation, but you haven’t told me what’s really wrong. Are you starting to have feelings for Wade?”
Rachel had avoided this for fear the answer would be unacceptable. “I don’t know. He’s not the kind of man you are, yet he’s kind and gentle. He drinks and gambles, but I can’t wait to see him in the evening. I watch for him all the time, and I feel different when he’s around. I’
m so confused.
Ethan patted her on the back.
“He accused me of being self-righteous. He says I always assume the worst about him, and he’s right.” She paused to wipe her tears with the end of her shawl. “I don’t know what to do, Ethan? How can we continue on to travel this way?”
Rachel watched as Ethan ran a hand through his hair. “You’re a good woman, Rachel, in a terrible mess.”
“I don’t think straight when he’s around.”
Ethan shook his head. “I respect your desire to reach Oregon, but you’re paying a price for your lying and deceit.” He paused. “Would you like me to talk to Wade?”
“Oh, no, Ethan. If he knew I’d spoken with you, he’d be upset. It would only make the situation worse.”
“Then the only thing I can suggest is prayer, dear Rachel. Lots and lots of prayer.”
“I know, Ethan. But I needed to talk to someone. And since Papa is…”
Ethan pulled her into his arms, holding her close enough Rachel could feel her breasts smashed against his chest. The top of her head fit up under his chin and he kissed her forehead. The touch of his lips, the feel of his body against hers, didn’t seem right.
“If you need comforting, you know where I am,” Ethan replied, his voice earnest.
Rachel pulled out of his embrace. “Thank you. Just telling someone has relieved my burden. I better get you back to Mary.”
Ethan took Rachel’s hand and put it back in the crook of his elbow. “Don’t worry about my Mary. She’s very understanding.”
Rachel and Ethan strolled back toward camp. When they reached the edge of the clearing, a lighted cheroot flared in the shadows. Startled, Rachel halted.
“Nice evenin’ for a stroll, isn’t it, Ethan?” Wade said, his deep voice cutting through the darkness. “Especially with another man’s wife.”
Rachel felt Ethan tense. “I think I better get back to Mary. Thanks for the walk, Rachel.”
Ethan dropped her arm and hurried away.
“Was that necessary, Wade?” Rachel asked.
Wade grabbed her by the arm. “We may have a mockery of marriage, but you’re still mine until we get to Oregon. And I don’t intend on sharing you with any man. Understand?”
“You’re being vulgar. Ethan is married.”
“To most men that means nothing. Go to bed, Rachel. We’ve said enough hurtful things to one another for one day.”
* * *
The high-pitched scream woke Rachel with a start. The noise was eerie, frightening with its intensity. Wade was already up, pulling on his pants.
“What is it?” Rachel asked fearfully.
“Probably a mountain lion or panther,” Wade replied as he stepped into his boots.
Rachel jumped out of bed, pulling on her wrapper.
“Just where do you think you’re going?” Wade asked.
“The children will be frightened. I’ll stay with them.”
“I have enough to worry about right now. I don’t want you out of this wagon running around. I’ll check on the children and tell them to stay put. You stay in the wagon.”
Rachel knew from the tone of his voice it would do no good to argue.
“He’s probably trying to kill one of the oxen or horses.”
Suddenly, she realized the danger he was going out to face, and she didn’t want him to leave her side. “Please don’t go, Wade.”
In the darkness, his hurried movements ceased.
“Afraid you’re going to lose your man, Rachel?” he mocked. “I’m sure Ethan would be happy to take over.”
His words pierced her with their cruelty. “Don’t, Wade. You know that’s not true.”
“I don’t know anything of the sort. Ethan returns, and he’s either at your side or Becky’s. And then, tonight I find you two out for a stroll, without his wife. What am I suppose to think?”
Guilt covered her like a cloak until she quickly reminded herself there was no reason for her to feel shamed. She’d done nothing wrong. “Ethan is my friend.”
“Just like me, Rachel?” Wade asked as he crawled out of the wagon, leaving her bewildered.
“Be careful,” she called into the darkness.
When the cry came again, she felt as if her spirit was in tune with the animals. Frightened and forlorn, she lay listening in the darkness, worrying about Wade.
Chapter Ten
Wade saw Rachel’s wagon off in the distance and pulled his big roan in her direction. Since the night of the dance, they’d been snapping and growling at each other worse than the panther of several nights before.
But seeing Rachel and Ethan together had ignited a fierce anger within him that seemed to build with each passing day, surprising him with its intensity. Was she blind? He wanted to rant at her for not recognizing the swindler in Ethan. Then again, if her heart pined for Ethan the way he thought it did, even eyeglasses wouldn’t help her see the man’s faults.
The afternoon heat was oppressive as he made his way to her. Alone, she guided the oxen along the barren trail.
He pulled Sadie alongside the wagon. The horse shook her head, snorting at the dust the oxen kicked up in the air. Rachel pointedly ignored him, her gloved hands working to guide the oxen up the trail, her bonnet shading her face from the afternoon sun.
“Hi,” he said, breathing heavily from the exertion of the ride. “Where are Becky and the children?”
“Daniel, Grace and Toby are spending the afternoon in Mary’s wagon,” Rachel replied, never glancing in his direction. She sat like a statue, with only her hands moving.
Wade wiped the back of his shirtsleeve against his sweat-laden brow. “What about Becky?”
“She’s riding with Mrs. Simpson,” Rachel said, her voice clipped and short.
“Pull over. I’ll drive the wagon for awhile.”
“That’s not necessary.”
Wade shook his head. The woman was bound and determined to try his patience. “I don’t like you driving alone.”
Rachel threw him a nasty look, her mouth pinched with disapproval. “I’ve driven this wagon the last two hundred miles without you. What makes me so incapable today?”
“You handle a team of oxen better than most men, but the closest wagon is a quarter of a mile back.”
“And the children would make a difference?” she retorted.
“No, but at least they could holler for help.”
“I know how to scream.”
“Just stop the wagon and let me drive,” Wade demanded as he leaned over his saddle, trying to reach the reins.
Rachel moved them out of his reach. “Just a moment,” she said, reluctantly pulling the team to a halt. “I was enjoying my solitude this afternoon. It’s not often I have time alone.”
“It’s not often we have time alone,” Wade replied.
Rachel’s glanced at him, a stunned expression on her face.
The wagon came to a halt, and Wade tied his horse to the back. He walked to the front and climbed up onto the seat beside Rachel. Taking the reins from her hands, he called to the oxen. When they were moving at a maximum trudge, Wade turned to Rachel.
His gaze skimmed her. “You’re mighty quiet today.”
“I’m hoping you’ll go away if I ignore you,” Rachel said, staring at the countryside.
“Are you going to ignore me the rest of the way to Oregon?” he asked.
“If that were possible, I just might consider it. Especially after you left me alone to worry about you the other night.”
Wade couldn’t help but smile. Though she’d said it in irritation, it felt good to hear her concern. “I thought you’d be happy to hear that the panther had me for breakfast.”
“You’d have given the poor animal indigestion.”
“Maybe so. But I’m sure Ethan would be happy to take my place by your side. He could have you and Mary, both” As soon as he said the ugly words, he wanted to take them back.
Rachel turned and gazed at him like she�
�d smelled a skunk.
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
“Oh come on, Rachel. You were out strolling around in the dark with the man. Married women don’t stroll with other women’s husbands. Especially men who used to court them.”
“You’re being ridiculous. Mary knows it was innocent.”
“You told me at the dance that you didn’t love him anymore, but then I find you out sauntering in the woods with him, your arm entwined with his. You moaned his name when I kissed you that first time. What do I believe, Rachel?”
“You don’t know me very well if you think I would sin with another man’s husband,” she replied, her chest heaving with indignation. “How could you even question what I would do with Ethan. He’s married to my friend.”
“Because it doesn’t matter to men like Ethan if they’re married or not. They’ll drop their pants for just about any woman who is willing.”
“Wade! That’s despicable! You obviously don’t know Ethan.”
“I see him with you. I see him with Becky. He’s a blatant skirt chaser, Rachel. Or in your starry-eyed puppy love, have you failed to notice?”
“Puppy love! I love Ethan as a brother. Nothing more!”
“Open your eyes, Rachel. The man likes women. He undresses them with his eyes. He stands so close he’s almost touching them,” Wade said as he pushed his hat back off his face.
“You’re being ridiculous. Ethan’s no different from any other man. You’re assuming he thinks like you.”
“Honey, I don’t just look. If I see something I want, I go after it. But I’m not married.”
“Thank God.”
“What does that make you?”
Rachel glared at him. “Our marriage is only pretend!”
“If Ethan is so wonderful, why didn’t you marry him when you had the chance?” Wade asked.
“I told you, my father sent him away. My mother had just died, and he needed me to help him run his church and orphanage.”
“If you’d loved Ethan, it wouldn’t have mattered. You’d have married him anyway.”
A Hero's Heart Page 10
