It was just one source of pride for her during the past year. Crossing her arms on her belly and hugging tightly, she thought of the one thing in which she took no pride. At no other time did she feel the acute effects of having broken her wedding vows, however, with her husband's unexpected return, she felt it keenly. Ginny spent the better part of the past year justifying it. Seeing her husband again showed her that no amount of justification could relieve her guilt. What she did was wrong and so out of character for her, it was like a physical pain throughout her body.
Miles was a great friend, but she hated how the relationship had evolved. What could she have been thinking, other than wanting to do something to hurt Colin. Ginny was not such a prude that the sex was an issue. What pained her most was the emotional connection she'd forged with Miles. How she had sensed that Miles may have been falling in love with her, but couldn't let him go. Miles had become like a drug for her, a testament that she was worthy of male attention, even if her husband wouldn't acknowledge it.
Her only consolation was that it never came to fruition. That their one night together ended before she could follow through with an action that couldn't be taken back. Not that she hadn't already been unfaithful before that point. At least she could say she'd never slept with him. For whatever that was worth, she would take it and covet it.
A small knock at her dressing room door brought her out of her reverie. Without turning around, she called, “Come in, Tabby.”
“It is not Tabby.”
Closing her eyes, hoping to make the voice go away, Ginny knew that the confrontation could not be put off forever, but was in no mood for it now. So, she steeled herself up and turned around to face her husband, if one could call him that.
“What do you want, Colin?” Ginny hoped by having her arms still crossed, he might take it as her unwillingness to open up to him. She didn't think the study of body language was all too popular in this time period.
“We have yet to talk to each other.” Colin stood just inside doorway, too intimidated to venture further.
“Can't it wait until tomorrow? It has been a long day, with many surprises. I don't have the energy for this right now.”
“I need to know about you and Clarendon.”
Before he could elaborate, Ginny cut him off. “You need to know? Did I get that right? You... need... to know? Well, maybe we can have a chat about your extra-marital activities across the bloody Continent.”
“There is no reason to speak to me in that tone, Bethany.”
“Don't you dare speak to me as if I was your child. You have no power over me, Colin. If it weren't for me, you'd have nothing. Maybe you should remember that.” Ginny's voice was menacing. It occurred to her that this was exactly what she wanted to avoid, a screaming match with her husband.
“I do not wish to discuss your responsibilities as my wife. I wish to know if you are in love with Clarendon. Can you at least answer me that?” Colin knew he didn't deserve any information, but since finding out about their affair, he felt a desperate need to know. He needed to know if he had lost his wife's heart to his friend, with no chance for reconciliation between them.
Staring at her husband, breathing rapidly, Ginny didn't know how to answer his question. No, she wasn't in love with Miles, but she wasn't sure she wanted her husband to know that. The idea of having him squirm was enticing. On the other hand, Ginny was not skilled in playing games. After the guilt she felt over the affair in the first place, lying seemed beneath her.
“No, I am not in love with Miles. He is a good friend, who was there for me when others weren't.”
Colin kept his anger in check. He was getting used to Bethany's ability to turn any answer into an accusation against him. God knew he deserved most of it, but how could they ever get beyond the past if she wouldn't just get it out. How much anger was his wife holding onto?
Turning his eyes to the floor, he responded, “That is good.”
“Good for what, Colin? It is hardly our biggest hurdle.”
“I just thought that it would be easier to live together and...”
Colin didn't finish his sentence, but Ginny had a pretty good idea of where the “and” was going.
“And what? Produce an heir? Is that what you were going to say?” Ginny did not relish the idea of sleeping with Colin. Not with the pain and guilt that hung between them. Although she knew that she couldn't continue in limbo either.
Raising his eyes back to hers, his face the picture of stone, he replied, “It is our duty, Bethany.”
“Perhaps, but I don't think now is the time, do you?”
“Perhaps not. May we speak in the morning?” Although his expression had not changed, Colin's eyes took on an almost desperate quality. The pain he'd been feeling since discovering his wife's infidelity with his good friend had been excruciating. The little reassurance Bethany gave him may allow him to get at least some sleep that night.
Having never once taken her eyes off his, Ginny suddenly looked away. The confrontation was inevitable, but she would put it off as long as she could. “Of course.”
“Until breakfast, then.” Colin left the room through the same door he had entered, leaving Ginny glued to her spot.
Ginny continued to hug herself, trying to hold back the pain. What should have been fun and consequence free was really a burden, much like real life. She had liked Colin once, enjoyed his companionship. Was it possible to get that back? Before, Ginny had always thought women who took back their cheating men were stupid. And maybe in some ways they were, but with few choices, Ginny would have to find some ground where she could live with her husband, fulfill her duties and hopefully get home. The hopelessness was weighing her down, like a stone around her neck. Ginny did the only thing she could to escape. She climbed into bed and went to sleep. Everything could wait until the morning.
Chapter 20
The next morning, Colin entered the breakfast room in anticipation of seeing his wife. He realized that if they were to move on, he needed to get Bethany to lash out. She may never fully forgive him, but she needed to come to terms with their situation. The sooner, the better he hoped.
After another sleepless night, Colin had arrived later to breakfast than usual. There, on the table, were his wife's dishes, not yet cleared. He wondered if she had gotten up even earlier to avoid him. Just as he took his usual spot at the head of the table, Pearce appeared from the corner door.
“My lord. Would you like your usual breakfast?” Pearce was very good at giving nothing away.
“Yes, please... No, wait, Pearce.” Colin loathed the idea of letting his wife get away. “Where is Lady Whitmore?”
“She mentioned attending her garden this morning, my lord.”
“Her garden?” Colin was willing to share, but that was a bit ridiculous.
Without a hint that he understood Colin's inflection of the word “her,” Pearce continued, “Yes, my lord. Lady Whitmore has taken a small plot of land in the back of the garden and planted her own flowers.”
“Oh, I see.” Every minute, it seemed, Colin faced another fact about his wife that he didn't know before. “Where exactly is Lady Whitmore's garden?”
“Behind the maze, to the east, my lord. Now, shall I get your breakfast?”
“No, it can wait. Thank you, Pearce. Please have my horse prepared. I am meeting Mr. McCarthy this morning.”
Pearce bowed and left to due his master's bidding. Colin rose from the table and walked outside. Making his way through the garden, he saw how well it had been maintained. After finding out about the financial difficulties, he went through many of the household ledgers himself, discovering what he needed to know without having to ask his wife. He found out that she let go half the staff, closed down half the house. Bethany was never able to entertain large numbers of guests, only her parents and his mother and sister. He found out that she had made shrewd investments, nearly tripling his money in less than a year.
He wondered if he would
have handled things as efficiently as his wife. Not that it mattered. The past could not be undone and he was on his way to duke it out with his wife.
Colin came around the maze and saw the small, fenced in garden that Pearce spoke about. The flowers were every color in the rainbow, growing in seemingly wild abandon. But once he really looked at the design, he could see the logic behind the placement. Again, his wife surprised him.
Looking around, Colin saw only a small gardener working in one of the beds. Judging by his size, Colin surmised the gardener was only a boy. His large hat obscured his face, but the lack of muscles and the skinny arms were dead giveaways.
“You there, boy. Can you please tell me where Lady Whitmore is?”
The boy turned slowly and sat back on his haunches. Looking up, under the brim of a wide hat, Colin was startled at the sight of his wife. She wore breeches and a loose white shirt, with the sleeves rolled up. Bethany had on old gardening gloves and small, brown boots. Despite her appearance, or maybe because of it, Colin felt the same powerful urges he had before their ill-fated kiss.
Bethany stood up, took off her gloves and let them fall to the ground. She then brushed her hands against the brown breeches and walked over to him. “Shut your mouth, Colin. You'll collect flies.”
Struck temporarily speechless, Colin finally found his voice. “Why are you dressed like a man?” His tone was of awe, not at all accusatory. It was because of that, that Ginny didn't take offense.
“I couldn't very well tend a garden in a muslin dress. This is more practical. And, to be honest, very liberating.”
“Indeed. You allow the staff to see you like this?” His tone was still not accusatory.
“Yes. Why would they care how I dress, as long as I am clothed?” Ginny felt herself loosening up slightly, enjoying her husband's discomfort.
“Yes, indeed. I do not believe I have ever seen a lady dressed in... in... breeches.”
At that, Ginny laughed. It had been a long time since Colin heard that magical sound. Unfortunately, it would not last. “Is there something you needed, Colin? Or do you plan to stare at my scandalous attire all day.”
“I wanted to talk to you now.” Colin tried to keep his tone light, but even he cringed at how his voice sounded. He knew he needed to get her yelling at him, but wanted to do it reasonably, if possible.
He could see her entire body stiffen. She walked past him, back toward the house. Colin meant to stop her when he noticed that she looked around the maze. When satisfied with what she saw, she turned back to him with fire in her eyes. “Who, the hell, do you think you are?”
This was it. He just needed to keep stoking the fire. “I am your husband, Bethany.”
“Really.” Ginny knew it was time to have it out with her husband. None of the servants would be able to hear them out here. She knew most of the gardeners would be trimming the lawn in the front today. This was the perfect opportunity to scream at him to her heart's content and not deal with the servant gossip. “I guess we have a different definition of husband, then.”
“Not at all. We are married, until death do us part, Bethany.”
“Which gives you the choice of sticking around or not. You can take a mistress as long as I'm willing to allow you the liberty of producing an heir. You can spend whatever money you want, while I get to live off your good graces.”
“Yes, that is correct.”
Ginny bowed her head. She couldn't change the reality of the time period, but she didn't need it shoved in her face. “I hate you, Colin Whitmore. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for tricking me into marriage. But more than that, I hate myself for allowing it. Instead of going after you on our wedding night, I went to bed. I let you treat me like a piece of trash and then I got to pay for it for an entire year. While you had loads of fun visiting cities I can only dream about, I got to clean up an ugly mess, cover up your abandonment, listen to people praise you on high, while turning around and gossiping about me behind my back.”
Ginny was only getting started. She had so much anger and pain to get out, she could only stop to take a breath. “I had to tell a household of people in London that they would have to work for someone else because I couldn't afford to pay their salaries. I had to let go half your staff here. Thank God Miles bought a home only ten miles away. He took everyone I let go so they wouldn't have to suffer without work. I toiled in this garden, along with the only two gardeners I could still afford, trying our best to keep the garden beautiful. And why? So you could fuck half the whores of France and Italy in your childish attempt at punishing me for one mistake. I would have told you no. I would have gone home and maybe found a nice man to settle down with. But instead, I got a year of sitting around waiting for you.”
“I would not say you were just 'sitting around,' Bethany. You did apparently have your entertainments as well.” His voice dripped with sarcasm.
“Oh, yes, my affair with your friend. The worst we ever did was kiss, Colin. Miles never once visited my bed, so don't even think of throwing that in my face. Can you say the same thing? Did you never screw Desiree, was it? And Marguerite. Or, how about Brigitte? I can hardly remember the names that the man who was sent to find you came back with. I wonder that even you could remember.”
“They meant nothing to me...”
“Shut the hell up, Colin! Don't you realize that only makes it worse. Your willing to stick your dick in anything female because somehow I will learn my lesson here. You disgust me! You, and many men like you, think you have some free reign to act like adolescents. You care nothing of anyone but yourselves. Did my feelings ever once come into your mind? Did you ever once consider how your behavior might have been stabbing me in the heart? Do you even care now or are you just worried that you'll have to rape me to get your goddamn heir?”
Colin's eyes were as wide as saucers. He was stunned at his wife's language, wondering what sort of filth she associated with during his absence. Colin even briefly considered some of the parties he'd heard about, wild orgies and debauchery. Keeping himself in check, knowing this was exactly what he wanted, he could only state the obvious. “Our marriage would have ruined my plans. I have been taking care of others since I graduated university...”
“Wah, wah, wah. Go cry to someone else, Colin. Life isn't fair, but if you had taken just a moment to talk to me, you might have found out some interesting things. For instance, I would have let you go, as long as you didn't betray our vows. Or I would have gone with you. I would have loved to go with you as a matter of fact. I owned up to my mistake, Colin. I never wanted to ruin your life and would have done anything to prevent it. Your ruined life was your own making and until you own up to that, we have nothing further to discuss. Lord and Lady Hammersfield will be vacating your townhouse by the end of August. It will be made ready for the season. I strongly suggest you go there and attend and make up whatever bullshit excuses you have to your friends for your untimely disappearance. Find a mistress and enjoy. You will find no such comfort here with me.” Ginny walked away as fast as she could. Praying that he would not follow her, she felt her heart pounding, her hands shaking and sweat pouring down her brow. In her life here or in Scotland or in Arizona, she had never once lost her control so badly. Thinking back at her words, she was ashamed at her lack of discipline. How many times had she practiced her speech for his return? How had she lost all the words she wanted to say, the ability to sound superior? Instead, she lashed out at him like a junkyard dog.
Before she could get past the edge of the maze, she heard him call out. His words stopped her in her tracks. “Bethany, I am nothing short of amazed by what you accomplished this past year. I can only thank you for all you did for our home, our lives. You are, by far, the most extraordinary woman I have ever met.”
Ginny wanted to respond with something biting, horrifying. Instead, she stood still, back still turned, letting the tears fall down her cheeks. Her arms crossed over her chest and she felt herself shaking. Colin silently
walked up behind her. He wouldn't touch her, but wanted so much to do just that.
“You are right. I do need to take responsibility for my own callous actions. I was a cad and I treated you abominably. You are absolutely right about the women. They were meant to hurt you, but in the end, they hurt me as well. I have been consumed with guilt and remorse for months now. I wanted to come home, but I wasn't brave enough. I have no right to ask anything, but I hope that somehow, we can live together. When you are ready, if you are ever ready, I will be waiting.” Colin turned and walked in the opposite direction, needing some space and time. Her words had cut deeply, but nothing compared to what he inflicted on himself. He would need time to consider his options.
Ginny waited until she could no longer hear his footsteps. Then she dropped to her knees and cried into her hands. Could it be different? Could she forgive him? The answers were probably yes, but it still left one gaping question: Could she ever forgive herself?
Chapter 21
Instead of going back to the house, Ginny went to the one place she found solace. She sat in the wooden chair, in the ivy covered gazebo near the lake. Staring across the glistening water, breathing in the familiar smell of stagnant water, listening to the chirping crickets, Ginny was forced to face her biggest challenge. Forgiving her husband for his abandonment was nothing compared to forgiving herself for her cowardice.
It's never easy to forgive, but Ginny appreciated that in the end, it would benefit her to do so. Holding onto her anger would only hurt her, since her husband would undoubtedly move on without her. She didn't relish the idea of becoming a bitter, old woman, as she'd seen too many times before.
A Lesson in Forgiveness Page 19
