When he pulls away from me, he bends down, looking me in the eye. His hands grasp both sides of my face. “I love you. Wait for me.” He crushes his lips to mine, catching my sob.
Wait for him? He’s going to have a kid with another woman. I know August’s heart. He won’t allow her to be alone. Which means I’ll have to be.
In just a few words, I’ve lost him. I lost him before I even had him.
“I love you,” he says again and my chin trembles, salty tears falling into my mouth.
“I love you, too.” So much.
He blinks and the entire world stops. It screeches to a halt and I force my legs to keep me upright even though I want to crumble to the ground.
Catching another tear on my cheek, he brings his lips to my forehead and breathes in deep.
His expression forlorn and terrified, he steps back.
I watch him, my body quaking. I watch him in awe. I watch him in sadness and sorrow and in fury as he walks out the doors and out into the storm. Only, I can’t help him weather it.
My happily ever after was gone right then, and we didn’t even get to finish the book.
Down The Rabbit Hole And Out Again
“Mama, I need you.” Those words echoed in the movie theater that night. In that moment, as the snow fell, New York became as silent and still as it could ever possibly get. Employees peered at me with sympathetic eyes, but avoided my whimpers. I crumbled to the ground and – though I don’t recall – I’m sure that’s where Joseph found me. I vaguely remember him picking me up and taking me home. I remember the crying, and the sobs and the screams into my pillow – cursing the empty space once occupied by August. I didn’t move for fourteen hours. I blew off work and shut all of the blinds. I closed out the world.
The world had failed me.
It wasn’t that August could possibly father a child, it was that I knew if it were true, he was going to marry Tomi. His mom and dad would never allow him otherwise, and I’m damn sure his southern gentleman upbringing wouldn’t let her go without.
I moved out of August’s place and back to Georgia within two days of the news. The second day, I got out of bed with groggy eyes and created a plan I could live with. He never returned home, which made it easier to pack all of my stuff up again. I ran mostly on autopilot. I made one movement of blur to the next, never a clear picture. Marquees became hazy and unreadable and billboards melted into jumbled stains. I ignored them all. I couldn’t be bothered to even take notice of anything other than my devastation.
It weighed down on me like a smothering blanket. It cocooned me, not allowing me to breathe. In a way, I reveled in the lack of air. August had always been my air. It reminded me that even though I was sad, I was alive. I didn’t have my air but I had my heart – it was broken and ripped to shards - but it still beat. Thump after thump prompted me to keep going.
New York in the winter had lost its luster within a matter of seconds. The snow mocked me and the cold only provided a new sensation other than anguish.
The American Museum of Natural History let me go with a kind offering and immeasurable understanding. I think they saw my anguish and took pity on me. It wasn’t my intention, but it happened nonetheless. I was told I always had a job if I wanted one and they didn’t know how much that meant to me. I loved that job. I loved that museum and my heart broke a little bit to leave it behind. I thanked them and hugged Halle, grateful for the friendship she so easily offered, and turned to Joseph who was clearly upset about leaving. He and Halle exchanged a hug, and I could see the pain of their missed opportunity on their faces. They thought they had time.
I thought they had time.
I thought August and I had a lifetime.
We didn’t.
Instead, Joseph hugged my shoulder as we walked the icy sidewalk back to the townhouse one last time. He held my hand as we took a taxi to the airport to fly home. He didn’t say a word when I rested my head on his shoulder as the plane took off into the air, and he didn’t react when the tears fell for the umpteenth time when the wheels touched down on the ground.
I know now it was in those moments when I realized I had made another best friend. Joseph and I had an easy friendship from the get-go. When we weren’t in public and it was just us – well, us and August – we’d joke and mess around. He ate dinner at our house more than he ate at his own. He’d become family in a short amount of time, but it wasn’t until he plucked my bags from the overhead bins and tucked them under his arm that I saw he truly cared for me – and I cared for him the same way. He protected me and wanted to see me happy, and I so desperately hoped that for him as well. Joseph had been with me through some of the most difficult times of my life, and somewhere between the busy streets of New York and the back roads of Georgia, we found camaraderie in one another.
Mama arranged to have all my stuff, including my car, shipped back to Georgia so I didn’t have to worry about it. I don’t think I would have been able to drive those roads anyway. My mind was numb and I couldn’t see straight.
She picked us up from the airport and I distinctly remember her whispering something into Joseph’s ear about August.
He was the trigger I never knew I had. Even when he left me in college, I didn’t react this way.
This time, I shook and convulsed at the very mention of him and I hated that my body reacted that way. I had lost him once. I should’ve known how to react.
He was my drug. My downfall. I was still recovering from the first time he walked away. Only this time, my high was even stronger. Salvaging my heart was going to take some time.
After I came home, Marshall gave me my old job, and things have gotten back to as normal as they could be. I was even able to get my apartment back. The woman who owns it now bought it to rent out anyway and allowed me to take it for as long as I needed. I could always attempt to buy another place, but thinking about the paperwork and anxiety along with house buying didn’t sound like something I wanted to do, at least not until I knew what the hell I was doing with my life.
Despite it holding a lot of memories of August, I find myself seeking solace in the apartment rather than running away from it. The memories we made there were wonderful. Although, I do avoid the television like the plague and Mama stopped my newspaper delivery.
I’m not on social media anymore. Hell, I don’t even have apps on my phone. I use my phone to talk and text. I know, I’m officially a grandma. I’m a fossil who only uses her phone to talk to people. Who am I?! I just don’t want there to be even a possibility of seeing August’s face. Thinking his name crushes me a tiny bit. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I saw him with Tomi. His arms around her. Smiling. Kissing her. I don’t know if I could handle seeing the little life they made together growing under her shirt. Oh God, no.
So, December faded into January before I could even breathe any sort of relief from my grief. January, the lakes and roads froze over, like my heart. And February, I’m positive, didn’t even exist. I slept through the entire month.
Okay, so maybe I didn’t sleep all month. I did need to pay rent. I slept and I worked. I blocked out a lot of the past three months and lived in a world of my own doing. I became Zombie Cam and that was okay with me.
Now, here I am, mid-March, sitting in my office at the museum, plunking away on my computer. There’s not much to do here now that I’ve had the New York experience. I’m kind of bored but it’s a distraction from my never-ending reflections, so there’s that.
Beau stops to a halt in front of my office, grinning. “You busy for lunch?”
I wipe under my eyes, pushing my glasses up.
Beau and I had a weird reconnection when I first returned. I don’t think he knew how to handle our awkward previous encounter, plus add in the uncomfortable new drama I brought back with me from New York, he decided it was best to stay way.
Our new friendship started off with him talking to me, acknowledging my existence, which then led to him asking me if I wanted to
talk. I was an overflowing dam, just waiting to burst, so I eventually obliged. I told him my entire story and he listened, never once saying anything along the lines of “I told you so.” I wasn’t in the mood to hear it and he knew saying those words out loud would only result in his bruised balls. My sass knows no bounds and with my head in a funky place, being supportive probably seemed like the safer option. It helped. He helped me – not heal – but he helped me find my way out of my haze. For as much drama as we went through to get to this phase, this friendship, I was happy this was the place we found ourselves.
“I’m free,” I say. “Want to go get a salad?”
Beau looks down at his watch, checking the time. “Sounds good. Lily wanna come?”
“I’ll shoot her a text.”
Both Beau and Lily took it upon themselves to shield me under their wings. I tried to put on a tough face in front of everyone, but they know me well and saw through my façade within the first few days back.
I was stubborn, as always, but it didn’t matter. They were there to help pick up the pieces and, ultimately, I let them.
A few minutes later, my phone buzzes with Lily’s reply and I pick up my office phone, hitting Beau’s extension. “She’s in for lunch. I have an appointment at eleven, can we go after?”
“Sounds good.”
Around noon, the three of us head out with Joseph. He’s no longer my bodyguard, but he’s become a part of our group and I kind of love it. He was the missing piece to our dysfunctional group. Hell, we weren’t even a group until my return to Bradshaw. We all fell into step with each other and it made my transition back here a lot easier.
With the hype surrounding August and Tomi, the paparazzi couldn’t care less about me, which meant I didn’t need Joseph to protect me anymore. Thankfully though, he didn’t go too far. Lily hired him at the station and it all worked out.
“Hey guys!” I greet with a hug as Lily and Joseph walk up to us at the counter inside the deli. “How’s work going?”
Lily grunts and Joseph laughs at her.
“It’s good,” he says. “At least for me.”
Lily narrows her eyes at the ground and pulls on her tan blazer, fidgeting.
“Lil?” I ask. “What’s going on?”
She shakes her head and pushes her hair back. “Nothing. I’m just hungry.”
I give her an odd look but turn to Beau. “Did Marshall come in?”
He gives me the you-already-know-the-answer look and says, “Of course not. Apparently went on a bender last weekend and hasn’t worked his way out of the haze yet. He texted me earlier.”
“Wait,” I stop him, placing my hands on my hips. “He’s texting now?” Before I left, the man couldn’t hold a phone let alone type any sort of understandable message.
Beau rolls his eyes. “One of his many women showed him, I’m sure. Said he’d be in tomorrow.”
We order our food and sit down at one of the red top tables in the back and just as I take a bite of my salad, Lily jolts up and out of her seat, running for the front of the deli.
I drop my fork. “What’s happening?”
Joseph takes a mouthful of his sandwich and shrugs.
“Turn it off!” Lily shouts to the worker behind the counter, pointing to the TV. “Change the channel.”
It’s too late.
August and Tomi’s image fill the monitor and the gossip reporter sets her hands on the desk, giving the camera a leering smile. “August Wyatt and new, rekindled flame, Tomi Hallan, were spotted today in Manhattan shopping for a crib and clothes for the baby they’re reportedly having together. Sources tell us that Wyatt has been shopping for rings at the local jeweler. Is he going to propose?” The blonde reporter asks with a wiggle of her eyebrows and, I can’t be sure but I’m almost positive something sharp stabs me in the back. Can words do that? “We hope so. They make such a great couple.”
The report then shows a picture of Tomi, all dried, bleached hair and overly mascaraed eyes. Her foundation is caked on and I wonder what she looks like in real life, because from far away, she’s considered beautiful. Long legs, perfect body and ridiculously straight hair.
Ugh.
I push my tongue against the back of my teeth and instead of breaking down, I shake my head with a sadistic smile. “Perfect.”
Lily turns to me with apprehensive eyes. “Are you okay?”
I look to the wall on my right, holding back tears. “It shouldn’t be this hard.” Joseph slides his arm behind my shoulders and Beau stares at me with uncertainty from across the table.
Lily sits back down next to Beau and she rubs her hands down her legs. “It shouldn’t, but you’re stronger than you think you are.”
I scoff. I’m a mess.
“Look at you.” She waves her hands in front of me. “You’re doing better than I ever would. I’d probably be on the floor a blubbering mess right now. You’re strong as hell, Cam.”
Joseph nods. “I couldn’t eat for an entire week after we left Halle and we weren’t even dating. I…missed her.”
I snort and set my head on his shoulder.
“I gained five pounds of muscle when we broke up,” Beau sympathizes, an undertone of a smile in his voice and I crack up despite my sorrow. I wondered where he was all the time back then. He’d miss staff meetings and hardly ever sat down in his office. Apparently he was at the gym.
It shows, so good for him.
“I feel like I’m barely surviving.”
“Some people would call that healing,” Joseph offers.
I gulp and stay silent.
“Hey,” Lily says and I look up to find her and Beau gazing at me with sympathetic eyes. “It’s going to be okay.”
With blurred vision, I muster a smile and pick up my fork.
What’s the definition of “healing?”
The process of becoming sound or healthy.
I might be teetering on the brink of healthy.
I feel like maybe I’m getting there. Can a person truly heal from a wound so profound, the pain resonating from deep within your soul? Soul injuries aren’t so easily cured. It takes months – years.
Maybe I’m feeling upbeat because I’ve been able to completely seclude myself from social media.
Seeing August with her is what usually sets me back. A picture of him, and I’m filled with happiness…her, not so much.
It might also be because I have a free weekend to myself for the first time since I got home. No one is forcing themselves to come over to keep me company. Mama isn’t coercing me to have a family dinner. Joseph isn’t begging to go see a movie.
I’m free.
I’m so freaking free.
March flew by in a flash. After the debacle at the deli, my group of friends kept me busier than I would have liked.
Road trips. Rock climbing. Hiking. Wine tastings. I had no idea there was so much to do in our state.
It’s now the second week in April and I’m sitting on my couch with a glass of bourbon, watching one of my favorite movies.
My hand falls into the bowl of overly buttered popcorn and as I’m about to shove a handful into my mouth, my door bell rings.
My eyes narrow and I pause the movie. Getting up from the couch, I wrap a blanket around my body and walk to the door, unlocking the two locks.
My smile widens the moment I see who’s standing behind the door. “Whitley?! Jennings?!”
Whitley bounces on her toes and Jennings smiles his signature grin.
I yelp and they pull me into a hug that breathes a little more life into me. “You guys! What are you doing here?”
Jennings picks up their bags and I step inside the door, waving them into the living room. “We had a couple free days and we wanted to come see how you were doing. Plus, Whitley talked to Lily and she said you had some free time.”
I roll my eyes playfully. No wonder Lily was hell bent on making sure I had nothing to do this weekend, but seeing them on my doorstep makes me instantly forgiv
e her.
Tossing the blanket on the couch, I make my way to the kitchen, reaching for a couple glasses above the sink. “You didn’t have to do that.”
Whitley follows me, bringing me in for a side-hug. “You’re family, Cam.”
My nose twitches and my throat grows thick. “I’ve missed you both.”
Jennings walks behind us, kissing Whitley’s head as he passes and takes the glasses from my hands, filling them up with the bourbon l left on the counter.
“You drinking with me?”
Whitley unwraps her arm from me and slaps my butt. “Hell yes we are.”
I raise my hand in the air and she smacks it. “Awesome. Want to watch Princess Bride with me?” I wasn’t even five minutes into it when they got here.
Whitley’s eyes grow wide and her grin grows wider. Jennings mutters, “Yes,” under his breath and I give them a look.
“What? You guys like this movie?”
Jennings laughs, and I swear I see blush cascade under the skin of his cheeks. Whitley happy-sighs, leaning against the counter.
“I seriously feel like I’m missing something.”
Whitley’s eyes glow and she sniffles. “It’s a long story, and I swear I’ll tell you, but yeah, we love that movie.”
I grin and bend down to grab chocolate from the fridge. “Good. It’s seriously the bee’s knees.”
Whitley slides off her shoes and Jennings hands Whitley her glass of bourbon before he leaves us to take their stuff to the guest room.
We make ourselves comfortable and I sit down at the end of the couch, leaning against the arm. Whitley plops her body next to me. Jennings comes back and grabs the blanket I tossed at the end of the couch and spreads it across our laps. Once he sits down on the other side of Whitley, I exhale contently.
I always thought August was the best medicine. Maybe he is. I think he’ll always be the healing I need. His love cures all of my ailments, but my friends, the ones who care most about me, they’re the band-aid and the aspirin to keep the pain at bay. For that, I’m so incredibly relieved.
Who Needs Air Page 19
