“More speed, Mr Mcgruff, I demand it,” Greed shouted.
“Aye, Captain,” shouted Mr Mcgruff, Captain Greed’s right-hand man.
“We’re gaining on them, Captain,” yelled one of Captain Greed’s men.
“Good, but I demand more speed; we will catch the White Wind and that dog Captain Shannagan at Turtle’s Cove.”
On the White Wind, Captain Shannagan was looking at the gaining Devil’s Bottle through his telescope. “They’re gaining on us, Captain,” shouted Billy Jones, Captain Shannagan’s second in command.
“Keep speed and keep on course, Mr Jones, to Crab Claw Pass. We can set up an ambush there.” Captain Shannagan knew they couldn’t afford to be pushed into Turtle’s Cove.
Bang bang. The Devil’s Bottle fired her canons. The shots missed the White Wind by inches, but they were enough to start forcing her off course; to Captain Greed’s delight.
“Fire, Mr Mcgruff,” screamed Captain Greed.
Bang.
“Arrrgghh,” screamed the White Wind’s Captain and crew as the cannonball hit the back end of the ship and pushed her into Turtle’s Cove.
“Hoorah,” shouted Captain Greed and his crew.
“We have the dogs where I want them. Even if they leave their ship, they can’t get out of Turtle’s Cove. Prepare to engage in battle, Mr Mcgruff.”
“Aye aye, Captain Greed.”
Back on the White Wind that’s exactly what Captain Shannagan and his crew were doing — abandoning their ship to take cover in Turtle’s Cove’s caves and hills.
Not long after, the Devil’s Bottle arrived at the cove and Captain Greed and his crew made their way on land.
“Come out, Shannagan, you yellow dog, and give me that treasure map or I’ll come and take it from your dead body,” yelled Captain Greed.
Captain Shannagan and his crew, which was a lot smaller than Captain Greed’s, were hiding in the caves with pistols, ready to defend themselves.
“Get ready to fire, Mr Jones.”
“Aye, Captain,” said Mr Jones as he wiped his sweaty brow.
“Attack,” yelled Captain Greed.
Bang bang.
Captain Greed’s crew charged at the White Wind’s crew…
“Harry, everyone is here, are you coming down?”
“Yes, Mummy,” replied a startled Harry, who shut the book, laid it on his bed, and reluctantly ran downstairs to see his daddy sorting the barbecue.
Harry went round and gave all his family and friends a cuddle; there were all of his grandparents, his uncles and aunties, his cousins and some friends. After all the cuddles were over, Harry couldn’t stop thinking about what was happening to Captain Shannagan and his crew; so he, cousins Daisy and Holly all went back upstairs to his room.
Daisy and Holly started to draw pictures while Harry jumped straight back onto his bed and picked up the book; quickly finding the page where he had left it.
*
“We nearly have them, men,” roared Captain Greed.
Mr Jones looked at Captain Shannagan. “What now, Captain?”
“We need help, Jones, we need a saviour, but who will come?” said a tired looking Captain Shannagan.
Harry touched the book and said, “I’ll come and help you, Captain Shannagan.”
The next minute, Harry and his crew were making their way to Turtle’s Cove on his beautiful, fast pirate ship, the Mum and Dad. Harry was at the wheel in his white pirate shirt with black and white striped trousers that were tucked into his pirate boots. On his head was the best pirate hat around and his sword and pistol were in his belt.
“Steady as she goes, Miss Daisy,” Harry yelled. He looked round at his crew; his grandparents, uncles, aunties, friends and of course his mum and dad were all in their pirate clothes
“Get ready to attack; remember I want Captain Greed taken alive. Load the cannons, Miss Holly,” Harry roared.
“Aye aye, Captain,” yelled his crew.
It was looking helpless for Captain Shannagan and his crew by now. They had engaged in a sword fight with Captain Greed’s crew and most of Captain Shannagan’s men had been captured.
Captain Greed was now in a ferocious battle with Captain Shannagan. “Surrender, you yellow sea rat,” shouted Captain Greed.
“Never,” shouted Captain Shannagan, just managing to get out of the way of Captain Greed’s sword.
“Then die, you rotting dog,” replied Captain Greed. He was about to thrust his sword into the belly of Captain Shannagan when…
Bang bang bang.
Captain Harry’s ship and crew fired on Captain Greed’s ship. The crews of Shannagan and Greed stopped fighting.
“Who on earth is that, Mr Mcgruff?” asked Captain Greed.
“Why that’s Captain Harry Sparr, the bravest pirate there is by far,” Mr Mcgruff said to the angry looking Captain Greed.
“Fire again, Miss Holly,” ordered Captain Harry.
“Aye, Captain, fire,” Miss Holly yelled.
Bang bang.
And with these final two shots the Devil’s Bottle turned on her side. Captain Greed’s face went as red as beetroot with anger and he swung his sword at Captain Shannagan. Captain Shannagan and Captain Greed engaged in battle again and so did both their crews.
“Prepare to land and prepare yourself for battle, crew. Land as close as you can, Miss Daisy,” said Captain Harry, loading his pistol.
On Turtle’s Cove’s beach the fighting was intense. Captain Shannagan and Captain Greed were matching each other blow for blow, until Captain Shannagan fell over a rock and landed on his back. He found himself looking up at the squinty eyes, red face and gritted teeth of the angry looking Captain Greed.
“Where’s that map, Shannagan?” Captain Greed bellowed.
“I’ll never tell you, Greed, you’ll have to kill me first,” replied Captain Shannagan.
“Your wish is my pleasure, you yellow rat,” said Captain Greed with a smirk. He lifted his sword above his head and brought it swinging down.
Clink.
Captain Shannagan looked up to see Captain Harry’s sword together with Captain Greed’s, right above his head. Captain Shannagan watched Harry push Captain Greed away from him; Greed stumbled but regained his balance and slashed his sword at Harry.
“You sea urchin, who are you?” yelled Captain Greed.
“Captain Harry Sparr, at your service,” was Harry’s answer as he cut Greed’s face.
“Prepare to meet your end, dog,” screamed Captain Greed.
“Don’t think so, dude,” was Harry’s quirky reply and at that, Harry who was much faster, stronger and braver than Captain Greed, started to get the better of him. Harry tripped him over and stood above Captain Greed with his sword at his neck. Captain Greed looked up at Captain Harry Sparr and threw away his sword. At that same moment, Miss Daisy and Miss Holly had beaten Mr Mcgruff, who was on his knees.
“Stay still, Mcgruff, or I’ll run you through,” Miss Holly shouted.
They’d done it; Captain Harry’s crew along with Captain Shannagan’s had beaten Captain Greed’s crew. “Hoorah,” they all yelled.
Captain Shannagan smiled at Captain Harry while shaking his hand. “How can I ever thank you, Captain Harry?”
“Not a problem, matey.” Harry grinned.
“What we gonna do with this lot, Captain?” asked Mr Jones, pointing at Captain Greed and his crew.
“Yes, what do you suggest, Captain Shannagan?” asked Captain Harry.
Captain Shannagan paced around looking at the angry Captain Greed. “We will tie them up in the coves where the mermaids, sharks and sea monsters can fight over them,” he said.
“Cool.” Harry nodded approvingly,
“You yellow dog rats, you’ll pay for this. I’ll get my revenge on you Captain Shannagan, and you Captain Harry Sparr,” screamed Captain Greed.
“Silence. Take them away and tie them up,” ordered Captain Shannagan. To which the crews of the White Wind and the
Mum and Dad, under the orders of Mr Jones, did just that.
“Well, Captain Harry, I thank you again. Would you like to join us aboard the White Wind for a feast?”
“Thank you, Captain Shannagan, but I must say no, as I have a big family feast waiting for me,” Harry politely said.
“Well, till the next time then,” Captain Shannagan said, shaking Captain Harry’s hand.
“Thank you, and goodbye,” said Harry as he and his crew set sail on the Mum and Dad.
*
A little later, Harry, Holly and Daisy ran downstairs. “There you are, Harry, what have you been doing?” asked his mum.
“We have been to Rock Bay to help Captain Shannagan and his pirates, Mum,” Harry replied, smiling.
“Oh, I hope it was good?” asked Mum, putting his food on his plate.
“Yes, it was, Mummy,” was Harry’s reply as he sat there quietly eating his food and thinking about his next adventure.
The Cleaner
The alarm clock was making that same ruddy noise at the same ruddy horrible time again — 4 a.m. to be precise — and, just like every other Monday morning, Fred’s wife Doris slid out of bed with her eyes still shut. Fred broke wind as he blew her a kiss and rolled back over.
Bleary-eyed, Doris slipped into her fluffy, pink slippers and then wrestled with the wardrobe door handle, trying to free her snagged nightie that was exposing her big, pink pants.
Downstairs, Doris was now dressed in her cleaner’s uniform; she’s a cleaner, you see, at a big supermarket called Pesdas. Her husband always says she must be mad doing the same boring thing every day especially when they didn’t even need the money; but Doris says nothing and just smiles back at him. She finished her coffee and morning fag and toddled off for the bus.
“Morning, Arthur.”
“Morning, Doris,” chirped the bus driver.
Doris jumped on and sat in her usual seat: the window one, fourth back on the left. She applied more of her blood red lipstick, which, when Arthur turned the corner, ended up all over her mouth; she looked like she had been smacked in it.
After she had gotten off the bus, Doris gave Arthur a little wave as he pulled away. She lit up a cigarette, had five puffs, put it out, and went into Pesdas.
She sat in the staffroom with a nice big cup of coffee and chatted to Valerie, another cleaner. After a ten minute chat, which consisted of grandchildren, lady’s problems and Tuesday night at bingo, Doris got her cleaning gear.
“Here we go again,” grimaced Valerie.
“Another boring day,” said Doris with a grin.
“I know what you mean, Doris. Why do you do this though? You told me before you don’t need the money. What does Fred say about it all?”
Doris smiled. “Oh him, he can’t get his head around it; he’s always moaning about me going. He says I must be mad with it being the same, boring day.”
Valerie was about to pry a bit more when Doris exclaimed, “Look at the time, Val. Oh well, better make a start; see ya in a bit, love.” With that Doris toddled off. She made her way by the home entertainment section, having a quick look at a couple of the on offer CDs, before making her way up to start the offices.
About an hour later, Doris was cleaning away when she was sure she heard a scream. She stopped and listened, but couldn’t hear anything more. She came to the conclusion that it must be the two young cleaners messing about, so she carried on regardless and plugged in the hoover. She was about to turn it on when she heard a commotion outside. Abandoning her post, she sneaked to the door and peaked out. Outside stood two men with guns; they were leading Graham, the manager, to his office.
Doris crept back into the room. Now, ordinary people like you and I would ring the police right about now; not Doris though. She tightened up her pinny, tied a headband round her head (she looked like Rambo gone wrong) and then grabbed hold of her sweeping brush, clasping it in pink Marigold covered hands.
She left the room and slowly crept down the corridor to Graham’s office, she was on her tiptoes, swinging her brush around and looked a bit like a drunken trapeze artist. She then commando crawled to her target, jumped up and put her left ear to the door.
“Here, Biffo, hurry and tie the boss man up. I’ll help you empty the safe then I will go and see what else is about while you go and help Billy with the hostages down in the staffroom.”
“Righto, Frank.”
Doris ran down the stairs and in no time at all she was creeping up to the staffroom where Billy had got the staff, including Valerie, tied up.
Doris went over to the display of Easter eggs and, after eating some chocolate for a quick sugar rush, she steadied her nerves and pushed over the display. There was an almighty crash as Wispa eggs, Crunchie eggs and Snickers eggs all came toppling down on top of each other. Doris could feel her adrenaline pumping as she ran and hid behind the shelves of the pet food aisle. She crouched down and waited in anticipation for what was about to come.
The noise had attracted the other robber and Billy came out of the staffroom holding his gun. “Is that you, Biffo?”
Doris started making tapping noises with her broom handle on the floor to draw him in her direction. Billy slowly crept round the boxes of cereal (he had never seen so much porridge) to where the noise was coming from.
When he reached the pet food aisle there, standing halfway down the aisle, was Doris leaning on her broom, looking very mean for a pensioner. Billy had started to raise his gun when Doris bent over and tried to pull a moonie, but with her big, pink pants and Marigold gloves it was too big a problem so she gave Billy the finger instead and went round the corner.
“Hoh, cleaning woman, come here or I’ll shoot,” roared Billy as he gave chase. As he flew round the corner he went bottom over head, slipping on the dog biscuits that Doris had scattered on the floor, and went flying into a display of half price Pot Noodles. He struggled to his feet, looking for his gun, which was now in Doris’ possession.
Billy turned and looked at Doris who was stood in a karate style stance holding her broom like a weapon; Billy rubbed his head and grinned. “Give me my gun back, granny, I don’t wanna hurt you.” He smirked as he rummaged for his flick-knife.
Doris threw her broom forward in the air and cartwheeled towards the shocked looking Billy. She landed on her feet, caught the broom and swung it around before bringing it down on Billy’s head. He staggered backwards. Doris flung forward whacking Billy in the stomach then karate chopped him to his neck, knocking him to the floor. She quickly tied him up with cling film and Sellotape and threw him in one of the freezers in between the Häagen Dazs and Ben & Jerry’s.
Biffo came downstairs and went into the staffroom; a minute later he came back out. “Billy, where are ya?” he yelled as he helped himself to his second Mars Bar. Doris went over to Pesdas’ customer restaurant and let off some champagne bottles that were on offer on a nearby display. Pop pop pop. “Billy, what are you doing?” Biffo made his way to the noise and as he arrived at the hissing champagne bottles he saw the restaurant door swing shut. Doris had run off to hide behind a big fridge in the restaurant kitchen. Biffo followed and kicked the door open.
“Billy, what the hell are you doing? What the…who are you?” muttered Biffo as a tough-looking Doris jumped up from behind the fridge and stood in front of him. She knocked the gun out of his hand with her trusty broom. Biffo snarled, knocked his fists together and went for Doris; she ducked his punch then unloaded two punches into his stomach, followed by a swift kick where it hurts. Biffo screamed like a girl; Doris then gave him a left, a right, another left and two rights around his head, then pushed his head into the open microwave and pressed start.
Pppiiiinnnnggg.
“Muvver,” yelped Biffo and fell to the ground where Doris then grabbed him and tied him up. Doris wiped her brow then clasped her hands together and said to herself, Right two down, one to go, and made her way to Graham’s office. She went into the room and put the Hoover on.
<
br /> “Biffo, Billy, you ain’t got time to hoover up,” Frank shouted as he came out with a big duffel bag full of money in his left hand and his sawn-off shotgun in his right.
“Biffo, Billy, for God’s sake.” As Frank got to the door the hoover stopped; then, from Doris’ mobile phone which she had put on the table, came Carl Douglas’ song Kung Fu Fighting.
“What the —” Frank opened the door and crept into the dark room.
Wallop.
Doris and her trusty broom had knocked Frank’s sawn-off shotgun to the floor and Doris kicked it under the table. Frank turned on the lights and there, stood in front of him, was Doris in a Kung Fu stance. Frank’s face was a picture; he thought it was a setup. He soon realized that it wasn’t, however, when Doris skipped across the room and gave him such a clout to the stomach that Frank staggered back. He took a moment to regain his composure then he lunged at Doris, smacking her full on, his fist lodging between her hazel brown eyes and button nose. As she stumbled over Frank thought he had killed her, but fortunately (or unfortunately for him) he had only succeeded in making Doris mad. She jumped back up, Kung Fu kicked him then gave him a one two. Frank went to hit back but Doris blocked him, chopped him to the neck then jumped up holding Frank’s arms and head-butted him into the wall. Frank was out cold.
Doris quickly tied him up then left. She ran into another office and, in a gruff, put on voice, dialled the police and told them there was a robbery in progress. She then went into a stockroom full of microwave meals, various pop bottles, a couple of TVs and various other household boxes and tied herself up. Now, please don’t get all technical, reader, and ask how Doris tied herself up, she just did all right? She is quite clever, after all.
Champagne & Lemonade Page 9
