by A. E. Murphy
“You found the eggs,” I state, picking up my fork and moving the scrambled mess around the plate.
“They’re your favourite.” He bends and touches his lips to my temple. “I thought you’d be hungry. And I thought we could do something fun today?”
Seriously? “Thanks, but I’m not in the mood.” His face falls and his tongue snakes out to tease his lower lip.
He grabs his own egg free plate from the side and takes the seat next to me. I bow my head, scooping up a small bite of egg before placing it on my tongue. It smells like it should taste good, but I might as well be chewing on paper for all I can taste.
“Your mum offered to have Dillan for a few hours. I know there’s a movie you want to see at the cinema.” He reaches over and tucks an errant lock of hair behind my ear. I don’t mean to tense, but I do and it doesn’t go unnoticed. “We could do that?”
“Hmm,” I mumble, and take a small bite of my toast. I’m not even sure why I’m eating. I’m definitely not hungry. Maybe because it’s the first time he’s ever touched an egg for as long as I’ve known him and he’s done that specifically to make my breakfast.
He lied to you, a voice keeps screaming in my head. He’s broken you. Practically destroyed you with his lies.
“Would you like to go?” He asks calmly, his eyes scanning my face for any sign of a reaction. He won’t find one. “Or would you like to do something else?”
They knew he was dying and nobody told you; nobody prepared you for it. You were the one who woke up and found him dead. You’ve been blaming yourself for months, thinking over and over in your mind how you could have done things differently.
“Gwen?”
“I…” I push my plate away and stand. “I’m not hungry.” I move around to Dillan and take him from his highchair. He smiles and gurgles as I pull him up to my chest.
Nathan moves to my back. “We’ll get through this,” he whispers, placing his hands on my hips. “I’ll take him to your mum’s and then we’ll go out and have fun.”
Fun? What’s that?
“Just me, you and a huge tub of popcorn.” He smiles and carefully removes Dillan from my arms.
“You don’t like popcorn,” I point out, taking the plates from the table.
“I’ll do them when I get back. You go and sit,” he says, frowning slightly. I ignore him and move over to the sink. “Gwen…”
“I can do dishes, Nathan. I’m not a child,” I snap, scraping the food into the bin.
His brows shoot to his hairline and he runs the hand that isn’t holding Dillan through his hair. “I don’t want you to do it today. It’s my job.”
“Right.” I roll my eyes and drop the plates into the sink. “Well, by all means, go ahead.”
“Gwen,” he sighs and steps towards me.
For months you’ve grieved for a man that didn’t exist. For months you’ve blamed yourself. If somebody had told you, you could have prepared. But they didn’t. They watched you deteriorate and even though you didn’t say it out loud, it was obvious that you blamed yourself for his death. You blamed yourself for the fact that Dillan would grow up without his father.
“Hello?” Fingers click in front of my face. I turn towards the source and stare at him expectantly. “Did you hear what I just said?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“I said that if you want, we could try and go to the beach. You haven’t been in a really long time and…” His voice trails off and he chews on the inside of his cheek for a moment. “I’d really like to try… for you.”
Just the mere thought of going to the one place that used to bring me so much joy but now brings me nothing but anger makes me balk at the thought. “No thanks.”
“Okay… then why don’t you choose?” I can see he’s getting frustrated.
I don’t care. “I don’t want to do anything.” Especially not with you. Does he honestly think that everything is suddenly going to be okay?
“It’ll be good for us to get out for the day,” he comments, bouncing Dillan on his side. “You look like you need some fresh air.”
“Then I’ll go for a walk,” I huff, reaching for Dillan. “Just go to work or something.”
“I’m trying here, Gwen,” he says quietly, his tone solemn and soft.
It pierces through the bubble of numbness that is tightening its hold on my body and at his words, I feel a slight twang of pain in my chest. I just can’t find the strength or energy to fully care.
“I know,” I respond and move towards the hallway.
“I’m sorry,” he states, but he doesn’t sound like he means it. “I’m sorry for failing to protect you.”
What about destroying my trust and breaking my heart?
“Damn it,” I curse as I place Dillan in his bouncer in the room. I head back into the kitchen where Nathan is waiting for me, watching me cautiously as I pad towards the cupboard where we store the medicine on the top shelf. “I forgot to take my…” My hand stops as it clasps the cupboard door handle. The cold metal bites into my skin as a torrent of thoughts rush through my head. Oh my god. Oh my god! “You absolute bastard.” My voice is a low whisper.
Nathan, seemingly shocked, takes a step back. “Gwen, it’s not what you…”
He ducks when the half full bag of sugar flies at his head.
“Gwen,” he warns, staring in horror at the sugar that’s exploded on the wall and all over the floor and table.
“Don’t you dare!” My trembling hands ball into fists and my eyes close in an attempt to calm myself. I want to wrap my hands around his neck. “You… god… Nathan, how could you?”
“I warned you,” he rushes, his eyes widening with panic. “I warned you, remember?”
My mouth falls open and my eyes burn as I hiss, “Warned me?”
“Yes, I told you to change them…”
“No!” I laugh incredulously, even though there is nothing funny about this. “You didn’t fucking warn me, Nathan! You said that they could be out of date! My doctor said they’d be fine, but she doesn’t know they’ve been swapped with sugar pills!” My voice gets higher and higher with each word until I’m practically screeching the last two.
My heart pounds against my ribcage and all I can see is red. I’ve never wanted to cause somebody pain so badly before.
“I…” He starts to say, but quickly clamps his mouth shut.
“Get out.” I order, needing him to leave, needing to be alone.
“Gwen…”
“GET OUT!” I shout, my breathing coming out in pants. I feel dizzy. Oh my god. What if I’m pregnant?
I can’t breathe.
How could he do this?
“I couldn’t tell you, I…” He moves towards me cautiously. “I’d have had to tell you the whole story.”
“Please,” I snarl. “You could have dropped the box in the sink, or put it in the bin and made me think I’d lost it. There were so many sneaky ways you could have made it so that I’d need a new pack.”
“I didn’t think…”
“Stop lying to me!” I cry, my hands going to my head as panic sinks in. “Just please…” I face him, my eyes streaming with tears, my hands now slack by my sides. “Go away. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
“Gwen… It wasn’t like that. I never even thought…”
I storm past him, my exhausted body telling me I’ve had enough. There’s just too much to handle. I’m surprised my brain hasn’t shut down.
“Please, Gwen, I swear…”
I stop at the bottom of the stairs with my back to him. “We’re leaving.” I wipe away my tears angrily.
“No you’re not,” he says, grabbing the back loop of my jeans. “You’re not listening… you’re not…”
“I’m done listening to you Nathan!” I sob, turning to face him. “I’m done. I can’t physically or emotionally take anymore.”
“Then let me take care of you. Go lie down; I’ll bring you a drink and you can relax.”
“I won’t lose you, Gwen, please! It’s not what you think, I…”
“Take your hands off me, or I swear to God I’ll scream. I’m trying, really trying to be mature about this. I’m trying to be calm about this, but if you don’t release me this second, you will regret it.”
He lets go and I ascend the stairs, taking two at a time in an effort to get to the room and get packed before he can stop me.
I feel sick. I can’t believe he’s done this!
“I didn’t do this on purpose, not consciously,” Nathan whispers from the doorway. “Please don’t go.”
“Whatever we had, whatever we were,” I pile the clothes, which Nathan must have put away after throwing them all over my bedroom, back into the same suitcase as last night, or this morning, whichever way you look at it. “It’s gone.”
“No it hasn’t.” He denies, taking a small step into the room. “We love each other. We’ve been through a lot together. We can get through this.”
“I don’t want us to get through it,” I sniff, zipping up the case before pushing past him and making my way into the nursery. “Honestly Nathan, at this point, I never want to see another Weston male for as long as I live, and even then it’ll be too soon.”
“You’re upset; you don’t mean that.”
I grab the bag Sasha packed for Dillan the night before and sling it over my shoulder. Nathan blocks the exit, his hands gripping the doorframe.
“Move,” I breathe. “Please, just move.”
“Don’t leave. Please… don’t leave.”
“I can’t stay.” I take a step closer to him. “I can’t be with you. I can’t trust you and I can’t forgive you.”
He grabs my shoulders and his desperate eyes come to me. “That’ll come with time. I know I’ve been stupid. I’ve made so many bad choices, but it’s not a lie when I say that I love you. You have no idea what you’ve saved me from. Before you I was nothing… my life was meaningless.”
“Move,” I beg, trying to duck under his arm. “Let me go.”
“No. I promised you I’d never let you go again. I’m not letting you, not this time. We can get through this.”
“We can’t,” I mutter, shoving against his chest.
“We can.”
“We can’t.”
“It might seem like that right now, but it’ll get better. Just like after Caleb, you healed…”
God, why won’t he just listen? “I don’t want to get better with you.”
“I’ll give you space,” he says hopefully. “I’ll stay out of your way until you’re ready to talk, ready to accept me back into your life.”
“It won’t work.”
“It will,” he insists. “You’ll see, it will work. Don’t do this…”
“I don’t love you anymore,” I shout, feeling my body deflate with defeat at the same time as his does.
“You’re upset,” he grits out through clenched teeth. “You don’t just stop loving somebody…”
“I thought so too.” I look into his almost chocolate browns and try to feel something, anything, but get nothing. “But I don’t. I don’t even hate you. I feel nothing.”
“You’ve had a shock. You’re grieving,” he tries again, gripping my face between his hands.
“No. I’m sorry Nathan, but it’s gone. Everything has gone. This isn’t grief or shock or anything else. You’ve done this.” I exhale a shuddering breath. “I don’t want to see you anymore.”
He bites on his lower lip to stop it from quivering. “Please… Gwen. I need you.”
“And I needed you,” I whisper, grabbing my suitcase and carrying it down the stairs. “Can I use your car? I don’t want to have to call my mum.”
“I’ll drive you.”
I snatch the keys from the desk in the hall and pull the front door open. Clicking the button on the key, I watch as the car flashes twice and make my way to the boot.
“What about Dillan?” Nathan asks after I close the boot and make my way back to the house. “Can I still see him?”
“I’ll call you,” I respond and step into the living room. “Hey little man!” I try to give him my biggest smile. Dillan seems to like it, even though it’s forced and definitely fake.
I carry him out to the car, with Nathan trailing behind me. “I really wish you’d stay. We can work through this.” I pull open the back door and strap Dillan into his car seat.
“I’ll send mum for my stuff. You can pick your car up later. If you could pack everything, that would be a big help.”
He lets out a choked breath and looks away for a moment, as if trying to compose himself. When he turns back, he leans into the car and kisses Dillan’s forehead. Then he turns to me, his eyes moist and round with sorrow. “What if you’re pregnant?”
“I’ll worry about that if it comes to it.” I refuse to address this part as of yet.
“Will you…” He clears his throat, his hands balling into fists by his sides. “Will you tell me?”
I stop in my tracks, my hand resting on the car door. I don’t know what to say. We both know what my choice will be. “It’s probably better if you don’t know.”
His hand wipes across his mouth, his fingertips pinching his lips for a moment. “You won’t keep it… will you?”
I close my eyes, pushing more tears that I didn’t know were building down my cheeks. Shaking my head, I slide into the driver’s seat and place the key in the ignition.
“Gwen, god, I…” He chokes on his words, his eyes glistening. “I don’t know what to say to make you stay.”
“I don’t think there’s anything you can say,” I murmur, swallowing the lump in my throat and taking a deep breath to calm myself. “It’s done. I’ll never get past this.”
He looks up to the sky and inhales a large staggering breath. His eyes close for a long moment and I see wetness seep from between his lids and leave a shiny trail along the side of his nose. He wipes it away quickly and nods, taking a step back. “I’m lost without you, Gwen.”
“You’ll be okay,” I reassure him, my chest tingling at the sight of his tears.
He moves away from the door and I quickly close it. Using two of his fingers, he kisses the tips and places them against the glass.
I put the car in reverse and drive away.
I don’t look back.
It just hurts so much.
My chest feels empty. All I can feel is pain. So much pain.
When I pull into my mum’s, I sit parked in the driveway for what seems like a lifetime. I should have listened to her. I should never have gotten with Caleb.
I smack my hands against the steering wheel, my eyes blurring with tears. Then I smack them again and again until finally my body gives out and I slump forward onto my arms. The tears come in streams, never stopping, never relenting, just like the pain I feel inside.
My sobs are loud and make it hard for me to breathe.
I feel like I’m dying. I feel like I’m drowning.
“Why me? Why couldn’t you have found somebody else to ruin? I gave up everything for you!” The car door opens and I’m pulled out.
“Gwen, come on, let’s go inside,” my mum says softly and helps me towards the door.
As soon as we step inside, my legs buckle and we both fall to the floor. She holds me tight, her arms wrapped around me as I cling to her and cry into her chest.
“Everything’s a lie,” I sob. “Everything! Dillan, Caleb, Nathan. It’s all a lie.”
What would you do if you were to wake up tomorrow and see that this was all a dream? Would you do it all over again?
I’d go back to sleep and never wake up.
It has all been a dream, one sick twisted dream where an innocent, naïve, immature girl has been sucked into a life that should never have been hers.
“How could he do this?”
“Baby,” my mum says hoarsely, running her ha
nd through her hair. “You need to tell me what’s happened. I can’t help you if I don’t know.”
“I trusted him. I loved him!”
“Are we talking about Nathan?”
I can’t answer. My throat hurts; the lump in it won’t shift and my eyes won’t open, they’re that swollen. “I hate them both. Where’s Dillan?”
“He’s in the living room; he’s okay.”
“I couldn’t… I’m a bad mum. I don’t... It hurts too much.”
“Okay,” she whispers, still stroking my hair.
“Nothing will ever be the same again.”
“It might feel like that now…”
I shake my head. “It’ll always feel like this. Always.”
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE
“She doesn’t want to see you.”
“She needs to hear me out.”
“She’s not in the right frame of mind to hear you out, Nathan.”
“Please Dawn, please just let me see her.”
She sighs, long and deep. “Just go. I think you and your brother have done enough damage.”
I bring my knees to my chest and bury my toes in the sand.
“Dawn…”
“No, Nathan. I knew there wasn’t something right about you but you were good to them, so I ignored it. I should have followed my gut.”
“Please. I love her.”
“You’ve destroyed her!” She bellows and I cover my face with the blanket.
A tear falls and then another.
“I know,” he says, inhaling a shuddering breath. “I didn’t want her to find out.”
“Well she did.”
There was a pause and I heard my boy’s protests, no doubt at being moved around. “Please don’t take him from me. If I lose her, he’s all I have.”
“That’s Gwen’s decision.”
“I made a mistake.”
“Yes. You did.” The front door creaks as it opens. “Now go. Don’t come back until she says so.”
“Dawn, please…”
“I trust you’ll be giving her everything Caleb promised her?”
