by A. E. Murphy
And she won’t tell me.
How do I live with that?
I feel empty.
Tears spring to my eyes and fall down my cheeks. Guilt hits me in the chest and cramps every single muscle in my body until I’m curled into a ball.
I should have told him. I could still tell him.
He really does love me…
******
My chest is burning; I think I’m getting sick. I try to inhale a large breath, but all I can taste is ash and it feels like my throat is closing.
What’s that noise? It sounds like an alarm.
I blink open my eyes, but all I can see is a crowd of grey that seems to be coming in from under the door. What the hell?
Am I dreaming?
My lungs choke up again and I scramble off the bed, my body weak from lack of oxygen.
Oh my god.
Fire!
I race to the door and pull it open, wincing when the metal handle burns the palm of my hand.
My feet carry me to the stairs as I cover my mouth with my shirt.
Orange… all I see is orange and red. The walls are glowing.
The bottom of the stairs are completely engulfed in flames.
Fear grips me as I slam the door and think back to the lessons I took in school.
What to do during a fire. Why didn’t I pay attention? I can picture it now, next to the school board. There were pictures… step by step guides on what to do. But I was ten! Why didn’t they teach me again?
Think Gwen, think!
Fire brigade. Block the edges of the door with blankets to keep the smoke out. Open the window.
The window is probably the first thing I should do.
No. The fire brigade!
It’s so hot, my hands are clammy and the burn on my palm is stinging.
I pick up my phone and dial 999. “I need the fire brigade now!” I bark out the address, tell her I’m at the top, that there’s no way out, and quickly pad the area around the door.
“Where are you in the house?”
“Third floor. There’s no way out.” The reality of the situation sinks in and it takes everything I have not to panic.
“Is there a bathroom?” She asks and I look towards the en-suite.
“Yes.”
“Wet your clothes, block the edges around the door and open the windows. Stay on the line. Keep low to the ground.”
Wet clothes.
Block the edges around the door and open the windows.
The window in here is too small… shit!
I race back into the bedroom wrapped in a soaking towel. The heat… god… it’s too much to bear.
I can’t see anything. My eyes are burning.
The window won’t open. I try to lift the handle, but it’s locked. I’m going to have to break it. But with what?
It’s too hot. I can’t think. There’s nothing in here I can use except the chair and I can’t lift it.
I pound on the glass, the heat drying my tears before they can leave my eyes.
Somebody’s out there. Maybe he’s called for help too!
Who is that?
I slam my hands against the glass over and over. I scream as loud as my lungs will allow. Why’s he just sitting there? Do something!
I check my phone, ready to tell the woman there’s somebody outside, but the line must have failed. There’s no one talking to me now.
The air is too thick with smoke, it burns.
I drop down to my belly, praying that the smoke has risen enough for me to get two short breaths of oxygen at least. It’s in vain.
My phone rings. I pull it out of my pocket and place it to my ear. “Nathan?”
“Gwen?” He sounds panicked. “Where are you?” Is it him outside?
“I… I’m trapped. Your house, it’s on fire.” I cough, my lungs filling with burning ash. There’s no more air in here.
“I’m on my way; I’m two minutes away,” he shouts and I hear the gear stick jam as he tries to shift it too quickly. “Where are you baby? Talk to me?”
“I…” I try to inhale; I try to release another breath.
“Baby, I need you to tell me where you are.”
“Y… your room. Window, won’t open.”
“Okay, go into the bathroom,” he orders softly. “Close the door.”
“Kay.” I look at the door leading to the hall and watch as it begins to glow. “Fire.”
“Gwen, can you open the window in my bedroom?”
I hear him talking, I hear him shouting. I hear my name echo through my mind as delirium kicks in. My head is swimming. The heat is unbearable. “Nathan?” I rasp and he instantly quietens.
I’m so grateful I didn’t bring Dillan. My perfect little Dillan. His smile. His baby giggle. His tiny toes.
I’m never going to see him again.
“I’m here baby, I’m coming. I swear it.”
No! He can’t, he’ll die! “Stay out Nathan, please.”
I can’t tell whether I said it out loud or not. There’s a ringing sound in my ears and my lungs are slowly dying. I can feel it.
There’s so much heat, but I feel numb.
I roll onto my back and close my eyes. I can feel the smoke on my skin, it’s that thick.
There’s nothing but darkness waiting for me.
What would you do if you were to wake up tomorrow and see that this was all a dream? Would you do it all over again?
No. But I’d do the last week over in a heartbeat and I’d spend one last night with Nathan and my little boy.
I feel something cool and wet placed over my body and I’m sure I’m moving. My eyes won’t open and my lungs are wheezing.
“I’m here,” Nathan says and I feel his lap beneath me as I’m pulled into his chest. “The fire extinguisher ran out and the stairs collapsed behind me. I can’t get us out, Gwen. I’m so sorry.”
I want to be angry that he didn’t stay outside. Somebody has to be there for Dillan, but I can’t be, because part of me is glad that I’m not going alone, as selfish as that is.
“I lied,” I say, gripping his hand with weak fingers. Coughing wracks my body. I can’t stop and when I do stop, all I can do is wheeze.
“I forgive you.”
“No,” I shake my head against his neck, feeling the wet towel that covers me begin to warm. With the last bit of energy I have, I place his hand against my stomach and hold it there. “I lied.”
He leans forward and presses his trembling lips to mine. I feel a tear fall from his eye and land on my cheek. If I could cry, I would.
“She would have been as beautiful as you.” He chokes on the air and presses his forehead to mine. “I love you, Gwen,” he whispers, his entire body shaking with emotion. “I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t breathe, Nath,” I mutter, feeling the weight of silence settle on my chest.
He holds me tighter, tucking me as close to his body as possible. “Go to sleep, baby. You won’t feel a thing, I promise.” He kisses me one last time and I feel another tear land on my cheek.
Seconds later I drift away but, before I do, something strokes my cheek and I hear a name whispered in my ear, a name I haven’t heard in a really long time. “Gwenny.”
CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
What’s with the light? Christ my head hurts and my chest burns.
Oh my god. I’ve gone to hell haven’t I?
“She’s awake.” Is that my mum? Why’s she in hell? “Sweet girl, can you see me?”
Everything hurts. I try to talk, but there’s something lodged in my throat. I can feel myself blinking, but all I can see is a really bright light.
My eyes roll around… I get nothing.
“Gwen.” It’s Jeanine, not my mum.
I start choking. My hands fly to my mouth, wanting to rid my throat of the intruder. My eyes stream with tears. I still can’t see anything.
“Keep still, Gwen, they’re clearing your lungs.” Jeanine tells me and the tube is finally re
moved from my throat. I almost vomit but manage not to.
The effort of this forces me to close my eyes once more.
“You’re okay.” Her fingers brush through my hair. “She’s okay, right?”
“She seems to be.” Somebody whose voice I don’t recognise responds. “We’ll still have to take her in.”
“What about Nathan?”
Nathan?
I open my eyes again and try to sit up. I feel like I have very bad sunburn. “Where’s Nathan? Where is he?”
“He’s in the other ambulance.” Jeanine tells me.
My vision finally starts coming back, but my eyes sting badly. I don’t care.
My lungs wheeze and I turn onto my side when painful coughing tears through my chest and throat.
“I’m not dead,” I say suddenly, as everything falls into place. “Which means Nathan’s not dead.” My voice sounds hoarse and I cough in between every single word.
“Thanks to Nathan,” Jeanine responds, her fingers teasing my hair.
“Where is he?”
The ambulance doors close and I hear the sirens turn on. A mask is placed over my face and held there when my breathing gets worse.
“Where is he?” I try to choke out, my eyes boring into Jeanine’s.
“He’s going to be okay,” is all she says and my panic increases tenfold.
I can’t lose him too.
“What’s going on?” I demand, pushing the mask away, wincing when the cool air assaults my charred lungs. The paramedic pushes the mask back over my face. “He’s alive… right? Please tell me he’s alive.”
Jeanine looks to the paramedic, who looks down at me with sad eyes. “They had trouble resuscitating him.” My heart stops and my hand wraps around Jeanine’s wrist. “But I’ve seen worse cases survive. He was badly burnt on his back. His body went into shock.”
“But… how did I…?” If he got burnt, then surely I did too? I don’t feel burned.
“You need to rest,” the woman says, her soothing tone irritating me. “I promise when we get to the hospital I’ll get somebody to update you on his condition.”
“I need to…” I start coughing again, this time more painful than the last. It won’t stop and with each splutter I feel it pound against my brain like a hammer. My lungs are going to explode.
Nathan… he’s more important right now. He tried to save me.
How did he get into the house?
No… he didn’t just try to save me. He chose to die with me.
Please let him be okay.
******
I doze in and out of consciousness, my body still fighting to pump blood around my body after being asphyxiated for so long. Not to mention the fact I still can’t breathe due to my charred lungs, so I’m barely getting enough oxygen as it is.
But none of that matters.
Nothing matters. This is all my fault.
I never should have gone into that house. I never should have blackmailed Mr Weston. He’s done this, but I caused it.
“It’s okay Guinevere,” Jeanine tells me, her hands holding mine. “Everything will be okay. You’ll see.”
“No.” I shake my head, looking at the curtain surrounding the bed I’m on. “I need to see him. I just need to know he’s alive.”
“Your throat sounds like it’s been through a blender,” Mum says as she steps through the curtain. “I’m so sorry. I got here as fast as I could.”
Tears fill my eyes at the sight of her. She rushes over and hugs me gently. “Dillan?”
“He’s okay; he’s with Tommy and Sasha.”
“Mum,” I sob, grabbing hold of her top with one hand. “Please go and find Nathan. Please. Tell him I’m okay.”
She nods, wiping tears from under her eyes. “Okay baby.”
“Quickly. He tried to save me…”
“I’ll go,” Jeanine says and my mum gives her a grateful smile. “I’ll see if I can get you some water too.”
Mum winces when she looks at me and her hand goes to my hair. She runs her fingers through part of it and I’m shocked when I feel them leave my hair a lot quicker than they normally would. My fingers follow the same path hers did and I let out a gasp. “It’s okay, baby, it can be salvaged. You’ll just have to cut it into a bob or something. You’ll still look beautiful.”
I know it’s stupid, almost dying and then getting upset about my hair, but I can’t help it. I’ve had long hair for so long. I’m grateful I’m alive, truly I am.
My main priority right now is Nathan and the baby.
“Mum,” I whisper, removing my hand from my burnt hair. “Please don’t get angry.”
“Oh no,” she says, rubbing her hands with her face and sitting back. “It’s okay Gwen, we’ll get through this.”
I nod, placing my hand on my flat stomach, imagining the life growing in there. “I didn’t tell the paramedic. I didn’t think.”
“I’ll deal with it; now please stop talking. You’re going to damage your throat.” She leans over and kisses my cheek before exiting the cubicle.
The severity of the situation hits me hard and my body starts shaking. I’ve never been so scared in my life. What’s worse is the fact that during the situation, during the heat and the choking on the thick smoke and ash, I didn’t feel scared. I felt detached, like my brain couldn’t process the reality of the events.
The curtain pulls back and Jeanine walks in. She looks stricken and my shaking gets worse. My teeth start chattering and my eyes blur. “He’s in intensive care. He’s…” She shakes her head, choking on her words as sorrow overwhelms her. “He’s badly burned on his back and… they’ve had trouble waking him up.”
“What? But I’m okay!” I try to shout, but it comes out as nothing more than a rasp. “How am I okay and he isn’t?” I pull the blankets off the bed, cringing at the hospital gown that’s wrapped around my body. How long have I been out? How long has he been out?
“Gwen, you need…”
“To see him,” I snap. “I’m fine. I need to see him!”
“Gwen…”
I stand, my legs shaking so badly I almost tumble. My chest constricts, but the pain is nothing right now. Pushing back the curtain, I grab my IV stand and wheel it beside me. “Where is he?”
“You won’t be able to get in,” she tells me, taking hold of my arm. “Nathan wouldn’t want you putting yourself at risk. Just get back in bed.” She’s right, but… “Please Gwen. Before your mum comes back and tells me off.”
Frowning, I do as I’m told, albeit angrily.
Mum finally comes back with a doctor, who immediately takes me for a scan of my womb to check the foetus. I don’t look. I don’t want to look if Nathan isn’t here to see it with me.
“Everything looks fine; the heart beat is strong. I put you at six weeks.” She clicks something on the monitor. “I’d like to keep an eye on things though, just to be sure, and we’ll have to be careful with your pain relief. We don’t want your body going through any more stress.”
“Then tell them to let me see Nathan,” I choke and rub my eyes with my hands. “I just need to see him.”
She nods and places her hand on my wrist. “I’ll see what I can do.”
Mum grips the scan picture to her chest. “Are you sure you don’t want to see?”
I nod, rolling onto my side. “Not without him.”
“Okay baby.” She strokes what’s left of my hair and somehow… I fall asleep.
******
“Mr Weston!” I hear somebody shout, startling from my sleep.
He’s come to finish the job, hasn’t he? He’s come to finish me! Mum grabs my hand when she sees my panic and the curtain flies open.
Oh my god.
“Nathan,” I sob and he moves towards me before gathering me into his arms. He looks terrible, maybe even more so than me. “Careful, don’t hurt yourself.”
“I’m okay,” he grunts, his voice sounding nearly as rough as mine. He holds my face in his hands
and kisses me deeply. His arms come around me once more. I wince at the blisters along his left arm and move away from them. The hospital gown he’s wearing isn’t tied at the back and I see white tape and cling film type material stretching over his shoulder and around the side of his neck. My heart shatters and it takes everything I have not to cry or freak out. “We’re okay.”
“You stupid man,” I try to shout, but end up coughing up a lung. “You shouldn’t have come in after me.” He ignores me, his hands moving my arms and gown, searching for any burns. “I’m fine. I swear.”
“The baby?” His wide eyes come to mine. “Is the baby okay?” I nod and my mum holds out the scan picture for him to take. He sits on the bed, his back to my knees and stares at the tiny black and grey square in his hands. I avoid looking at his back. I daren’t look at it right now. I’m too scared of how I’ll react when I see it. “I’m so sorry, Gwen.” He turns back towards me, wincing when he stretches his back. “I’m so sorry for doing this to you.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I shake my head and this time take his face in my hands. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I love you.”
His lips slant over mine and his arms hold me tighter than ever before. “I thought you were dead… the staircase collapsed. I couldn’t get you out. I tried, but the back of my jacket caught flame and I couldn’t risk that happening to you.”
My eyes widen and my heart accelerates. “I don’t… I don’t know what to say. I just… your back.”
“It’s just skin,” he whispers, his nose running along mine. “It doesn’t matter. We’re alive.” His eyes water and he swallows, his long, perfect neck bobbing with the motion. “You’re pregnant.” He smiles and lets out a laugh. “You’re pregnant.”
“I wasn’t… I’m so sorry. I should have told you.”
He shakes his head, wincing slightly when the material on his back crinkles. “No, it’s my fault. What I did was unspeakable.” He runs his fingers through the short parts of my hair. I must look horrendous. “You look beautiful.” He can clearly read my mind. “I think it’ll suit you short.” I don’t care. Hair grows; skin, when burnt, doesn’t. I deserve to suffer more than just a loss of hair. “When Jeanine called me and told me she could see smoke, I don’t know why but I just knew, I knew you were there and…” He shuts his eyes for a minute. “When I heard your voice… god, Gwen, I’ve never been so scared…”
