by Leslie Gould
“I can come back down and help,” Charlie said. “I have the day off.”
Tim nodded but didn’t look happy. Neither did Gideon. Eve slipped up the steps and back into the house, followed by the children.
Eve had planned to tell Tim that evening when everyone left, but when he came into the house, followed by Gideon, he cornered her in the kitchen as she made the coffee. “What’s going on?” he asked.
“About?” She stepped around him and reached for the kettle.
“You know.”
Eve shifted her focus back to the coffee. As she poured the hot water, she said, “It’s best if we talk later. This isn’t anyone else’s business.”
“You think this isn’t Gideon’s business? Not after what he’s done for us.”
“Tim,” Gideon said, “Eve’s right.”
The three older children, who’d been in the living room, drifted into the kitchen, followed by Charlie, Simon at his side.
Charlie stepped farther into the room. “Tim. Gideon.”
Eve shook her head at him, hoping he wouldn’t say anything more.
Tim glared at Charlie and then said, “No. Let’s talk now.”
Eve put the kettle back on the stove and faced her brother. “I’m going to move to Philadelphia. Not right away, but sometime in the future.”
“You’re leaving the church, then?”
“I’m not sure,” she said. “But I need to figure out what God has for me.”
Tim crossed his arms. “You know what he has for you.”
Eve felt the old anger well inside her. Tim reminded her of her father’s harshness. How he never cared about her opinion. Never saw her as anything more than his daughter. She pulled the note from Abra from her pocket.
Tim’s eye’s widened. “Give that to me.”
She shook her head. “She wrote it to me. Were you going to tell me?”
His face hardened.
“You married the woman you loved. Don’t you think I should have a chance with the man I love?”
Tim crossed his arms. “I didn’t go against my family. And God and the church.”
She took a deep breath. It had been foolish to try to talk with Tim at all. She said, “I’ll wait to go until we can figure things out here. Until we can explain what’s going on to the children and figure out what’s best for Trudy.”
“Where’s Aenti going?” Rose wailed, as Monika stepped into the kitchen with Trudy in her arms.
“Hush,” Lila said, putting her hands on her little sister’s shoulders.
Tim pointed toward the back door. “Go now. It’s time for Lila to grow up and do her job.”
“Tim . . .” Gideon said.
“We don’t need Eve anymore.”
Rose began to cry, and Trudy curled her lower lip.
Monika stepped toward Tim. “Surely you can wait a couple of hours to discuss this.”
He crossed his arms, shook his head, and then turned toward Simon. “Get away from Charlie,” Tim barked. “He shouldn’t have worn his uniform here. You have no idea what it represents.”
Simon took a step backward, a look of shock on his face. His Dat had never spoken to him so harshly.
Eve searched Charlie’s eyes.
“Go pack,” he said to her, gently. Then he turned and headed to the doorway of the mud porch. Simon spun around toward him. Charlie smiled and motioned him toward the living room.
Eve headed toward the hallway, the patter of little feet behind her.
“Don’t follow her,” Tim snarled.
Rose began to wail.
Eve wanted to comfort her niece, her heart breaking, but instead she hurried to her room and packed quickly. When she was done, she grabbed the blanket in Trudy’s crib, put it to her nose and inhaled. It wasn’t the child’s favorite blanket—just one of several. She stuffed it on top of the clothes and zipped her bag.
A knock fell on her door.
Thinking it was Monika, she said, “Come in.”
It was Karina. “Here’s a key,” she said. “Make yourself at home. I’ll be back tomorrow.”
Eve gave her a quick hug. Eve grabbed her bag and returned to the living room. Karina and her in-laws were slipping out the front door. Shani, Joel, Zane, and the baby had already left.
Tim held a crying Trudy in the kitchen, and the other children must have all been sent to their rooms. Monika stood awkwardly by the door. “I’m praying for you,” she said. “And the children.”
Eve whispered, “Is it horrible of me to leave?”
Monika shook her head. “I’m sorry though. I think I encouraged you too soon. It was rash of me.”
“No,” Eve said. “It’s been coming for months.”
She stepped away. Charlie still stood in the doorway to the mud porch, standing next to Gideon. The older man shrugged and smiled slightly, with kindness in his eyes.
Eve turned toward Tim. “We need to put the children first. They need to see me.”
“Go,” he said, balancing the crying baby in one arm as he pointed toward the door.
Charlie stepped to her side. Gideon nodded at Eve but didn’t say anything. He wasn’t shaming her. He wasn’t condemning her. Gideon Byler was a good man—he just wasn’t the right man for her.
Grief and sadness mixed with a measure of relief as Eve walked toward Charlie’s truck. She held her head high. There would be no more pretending about whom she loved. No more hiding. No more secrets.
But the loss of the children was almost too much to bear. The death of Abra pierced her again. If only she had the photo of the two of them from so long ago. She feared the farther she traveled from Lancaster, the more distant the memories of her friend would become. She swallowed hard. If Tim didn’t let her see the children, she’d become a distant memory to them too.
32
Shani called Charlie’s cell phone as Joel drove the van to Monika’s. Eve answered. Her voice sounded surprisingly strong considering the humiliation she’d just endured.
Shani glanced back at Zane.
Quietly she asked, “Are you okay?”
Eve took a moment to answer but then said, “Yes and no.”
“So you’re going to Karina’s tonight?”
“Yes.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
“Yes,” Eve said, her voice strong. “But I’m worried about the kids.”
“I know,” Shani said. She couldn’t imagine the kids without Eve, but she didn’t want to make her friend feel worse. “I’ll help if Tim will let me.”
“Denki,” Eve said. “Monika will too—she offered it before I decided to leave.” Eve choked.
Shani said, “I’ll call you tonight, once you’re at Karina’s. I have her landline number.”
By the time they arrived at Monika’s, the baby was crying. Shani hurried inside with him and into the bedroom, while Zane helped Joel up the back steps. As she fed the baby, Shani could hear Zane and Joel talking in the kitchen.
“Why’d you take off like that?” Zane asked.
“I needed to clear my head.”
“But you left Mom when she needed you. And the baby.”
“I shouldn’t have,” Joel answered. “I’m sorry.”
There was a muffled noise, and Shani wondered if Zane was crying.
After a while he said, “You didn’t even stick around to name him.”
“Your mom and I are working on it. Do you have any suggestions?”
The baby began to cry, and Shani couldn’t hear any more. A few minutes later, Joel came into the bedroom.
Shani asked, “What’s Zane doing?”
“Chores.”
Shani was grateful to Monika for keeping Zane busy. “So what shall we name the baby?”
“I still like Adam.”
“What did Zane say?”
“That we should name him John—after Johnny.”
“How does he know about your brother?”
“I told him. One night when you were w
orking.”
“Oh,” Shani replied.
And then Joel said, “How about that as a middle name?”
“Adam John.” She stroked the baby’s head. “I like that.” Looking up at Joel, she said. “Tell me about Johnny.”
“I already did.”
Thirteen years ago, before they’d married, he told Shani his little brother had died in a snowmobiling accident and that was why his parents weren’t coming from Wisconsin to Seattle to celebrate their wedding. He wouldn’t say any more at the time.
“Tell me again,” Shani said.
It was late March, at the family cabin. Johnny was twelve, and Joel was seventeen. Joel explained that Johnny had raced ahead on his snowmobile, taking the lead for the first time. When Johnny accelerated and headed toward a jump, Joel yelled for him to skip it. He was concerned about the snow level being down. But Johnny kept going. Maybe he couldn’t hear Joel. Or maybe he ignored him. But he took the jump and flipped the snowmobile. The machine landed on top of him. In a frenzy, Joel managed to get Johnny out from under the snowmobile and back to the cabin.
“He was still alive at that point,” Joel said. “My dad was furious—with me. I hadn’t protected him. I should have gone first. What was I thinking?”
Johnny died on the way to the hospital. Joel graduated two months later and joined the Army.
“Did your dad ever apologize for blaming you?” Shani asked.
Joel shook his head. “I doubt he even remembered what he said in the heat of the moment. We never talked about it. But that was the way it was in our family and in our church too. Someone was always to blame when something went wrong. If there was a tragedy, it was either because of unconfessed sin in someone’s life or because they’d used poor judgment. It was probably easier for my dad to blame it on my judgment than to have others speculate about my sin, which would have been a worse reflection on him.”
Joel sighed. “That’s why the Amish bothered me. I thought they’d be like that. Always finding blame.”
Shani nodded. And it seemed some were like that, with Gideon’s concern that Simon had been injured because Tim favored him. And Tim blaming Zane for scaring the horse. And the way Tim treated Eve. But then they’d all been so generous with their time and resources.
Joel continued. “I can’t figure them out—Tim’s so harsh and judgmental toward Eve, but he’s been nothing but kind to me—all things considered. And the fire was my fault. Eve, Lila, and Trudy could have been badly burned or killed, along with you and the boys, but Tim never once shamed me about it.”
Shani shifted the baby to her shoulder. “I guess the Amish are as complicated as we are,” she said.
Joel nodded. “The counselor thinks Samuel’s death triggered a lot of stuff for me. I felt responsible—Samuel should have been in the driver’s seat—and Johnny should have been behind me instead of leading the way. But Samuel was exhausted and I insisted on driving. If I hadn’t, he’d still be alive.”
And Joel would be dead. Shani squeezed his hand.
“Also,” Joel said, “the counselor thinks that Zane being twelve has probably triggered stuff for me too. Johnny and I were close, really close. Zane and I were close—and now we’re not. I don’t blame him. I’m the one—”
“No one’s to blame,” Shani said. “It’s life. We just have to figure out what to do now.”
He dropped his eyes. “It might take a while to get this all figured out—and I’ll probably never be the way I was. . . . I might always be jumpy. On edge.” He brushed away a tear.
Shani squeezed his hand again. She knew that. No one weathered life without changing in some way.
“But I’ll keep going to counseling,” Joel said, meeting her gaze.
“Thank you,” Shani said. She’d go too, if that would help.
“Do you want me to go back to Philly?” Joel asked.
“No,” she said. “All I’ve ever wanted was for us to be together, to have our family intact.” Then she asked, “Do you want all of us to go back together, to leave Lancaster County?”
“No. I mean, we might have to eventually, or go somewhere else if I can’t find a job in the area. But for now let’s stay here.”
“We should be able to go back home soon.” That’s what Shani wanted more than anything—to go home with Joel and their boys. Maybe it wouldn’t be home forever, but right now it was the only place she wanted to be.
She tugged on Joel’s hand, pulling him closer until his head was tucked against her shoulder. She kissed the side of his face and lifted his chin and kissed her husband again, this time on the mouth. He kissed her back.
When they pulled away, she said, “I need you, as much as you can give.”
He nodded. “I’ll try—I promise.”
She wouldn’t think about the future. It was enough to think about right now, but she would keep fighting for her marriage. She would fight for Joel’s healing. She’d stay by his side. Please God, she thought, realizing she was praying. For better or worse. Show me how.
She didn’t understand prayer, and maybe she never would, but she knew she needed to talk to God. Not to shut him out. She knew she needed to strive to love him with all her heart, soul, and mind, no matter what heartaches life brought. And perhaps one of the greatest values of prayer was that it prepared her to do the right thing. To love God. To love Joel. To love her boys.
And to love her neighbor—meaning Tim, even though Eve was gone.
Shani wasn’t sure, after Eve left like that, whether Tim would finish rebuilding the kitchen—but he did. And Gideon helped. Charlie showed up Monday, just like he said he would, and primed and painted, although Eve didn’t come with him. Tim totally ignored Charlie, but according to Joel—who drove the van over to hang out and help where he could—Gideon talked with him. “And Charlie’s whistling again,” he said. “I didn’t realize he hadn’t been until I heard him today.”
On Wednesday morning, after Joel returned from taking Zane and Jenny to each of their schools and Monika by the Lehmans’ to watch Trudy, his cell phone rang.
It was obvious as Shani listened to his side of the conversation that it was the insurance adjustor. Joel stood, pushing down on his cane with his free hand, and then stepped away from the table as he listened.
Finally he said, “That’s what I thought.”
The fire marshal’s report must have come through. When the call was over, Joel said, “I was right.”
“So it was a cigarette.”
Joel wrinkled his nose. “That’s what you thought? That I was smoking while you were in labor?”
She nodded.
He shook his head. “It was the pail of ashes, from the stove.” He sat back down at the table. “Not that it matters—it was still my fault.”
Shani almost laughed. It probably shouldn’t have mattered to her, but it did.
“I haven’t smoked since that last time you got mad at me—and then had to help me get ready for bed.” He gave her a wry smile. “After that I threw all of my cigarettes away,” he said. “But the fire was still my fault.”
Shani shook her head. “It was ridiculous of me to ask you to take the ashes out.” One of them should have asked Zane. Joel couldn’t maneuver the steps carrying the pail. He probably would have fallen again. “God’s using what happened, right? We’ve gotten help. We’re talking. Tim is repairing our house. Eve finally did what she needed to do. Let’s move forward.”
On Thursday Shani went into Philly with Joel to the counselor. She sat in the lobby with the baby and then went in at the end. The counselor recommended a therapist in Lancaster and Joel said he’d go until he figured out how to handle the stress of adjusting back to civilian life and what to do as far as a job.
They stayed at Monika’s for another week and then returned home. Shani wondered if she’d get the quilt Abra had made back or not, but she didn’t expect to. She wouldn’t have blamed Tim at all if he kept it. But the evening of their first day back, Tim and
his boys came down the lane carrying hampers filled with their clean clothes, towels, sheets, and bedding, including the quilt.
Shani’s dad came out to visit for a week, relieved that Shani and Joel were working on their marriage. He finished painting the living room, along with finishing up the detail work outside.
As winter progressed, the Lehman kids played down by the creek with Zane when they could. They came into the house a few times, to use the bathroom and get a snack. Shani asked Lila if it was okay with their dad. Her face reddened and she said, “For a few minutes. He doesn’t want us to hang around though.”
Monika did take care of Trudy, sometimes at her house but mostly at the Lehmans’ place. A few times, she ventured down the lane for a cup of coffee. The little girl was toddling everywhere now, but still wanted to sit on Joel’s lap when she visited. Monika said she still appeared out of sorts and seemed to be mourning Eve. “It’s a travesty,” she said. “I’ve tried to talk with Tim, but he’s as stubborn as ever.”
“How’s Gideon doing?” Shani asked.
Monika smiled a little. “He seems fine.”
Life went on. Zane turned thirteen. The sheep had their lambs. Adam smiled. Raised his head. Reached for Zane.
Joel continued counseling and started thinking about what kind of work he wanted to do. They visited a nondenominational church a few miles away from the house—and kept going back. As Joel and Shani both recovered, they found new ways to relate. They were more careful with each other. Not as sure. But step-by-step, their marriage improved.
Trudy turned one in late February. Of course, the Becks weren’t invited to the party—if there was one. It nearly broke Shani’s heart to think of Eve not being with the little girl on her special day. She’d been with Abra the day Trudy was born; she should have been with the baby to celebrate her first year. But that, like so many things, wasn’t meant to be.
Daffodils bloomed and then the tulips. Tim put in a huge garden, and Shani put in a tiny one. Joel stopped complaining about the smell of the dairy.
The first of April, Charlie called and asked if they could meet Eve and him for lunch the next Saturday. Shani recommended a pizza place near Valley Forge. They set a time, and then Shani asked, “Is something up?”
