by Anthology
Her heart had been broken too many times in the past. She needed to make sure that would never happen again before she gave herself fully to Shaun.
There were things she felt she didn’t fully know about him. Unanswered questions. Things that niggled her. Such as the phone.
For instance, he was always hyper-protective of his phone. It was password-protected, and he never let her look at any of his messages as he scrolled through them, turning the phone away from her. Sometimes he would get a call and leave the room. Other times, he would hide his texting from her.
She wondered if he was cheating on her, although she had no direct proof. While she had doubts, she also wanted to trust him. Part of her felt like she already did. Maybe she was being foolish, but she knew in her heart that he really loved her. But the phone thing bothered her, and she vowed to ask him about it during this vacation. She hoped she would get an answer that would satisfy her and put all her fears to rest.
After several bouts of intense, passionate lovemaking, they both got some sleep and rose in the morning to get ready for a day of skiing. They bundled up in their ski clothes, retrieved their skis, boots, and poles from the rental office, and then were on their way.
It was a beautiful California day in Mammoth, even though it was December. In California, there were often seasonal days where the temperature was a balmy sixty degrees even in winter. This was one of those days. Selma even found herself sweating as she stood in line for the ski lift.
“Want to work our way up to the top?” Shaun asked, studying the ski trail map.
“Sure,” she replied. They were both good skiers and had agreed to ski both intermediate and advanced slopes all day.
“I do want to go off trail once or twice,” Shaun said. “I love the rush.”
“Count me out.” Selma shivered at the thought. Just last week she’d read about a man running into a tree while skiing out of bounds. He’d suffered a severe head injury. That didn’t sound worth it to her…but she knew Shaun liked extreme skiing at times.
They inched forward on their skis, following the line of fellow skiers waiting for the lift.
“Skiing off trail is fun,” Shaun said, his green eyes twinkling in his tanned face. “C’mon, you might like it.”
“And trigger an avalanche? No thanks. I’ve heard that can happen when skiing out of bounds.”
He guffawed. “You read too many tabloid reports. Avalanches don’t happen very often, and you really have to be kamikaze skiing to trigger one.”
“If you say so,” she said. Her need to control her fate had been a running joke between them since they’d started their drive to Mammoth. She’d checked the traffic report constantly to make sure there weren’t any big-rig accidents, mapped out the best route, and had even asked if she could drive one point because Shaun tended to go about twenty miles over the speed limit and pass people on the left over the double line.
Even though he was in a lifesaving profession, he loved speed and made no apologies for it.
For all of Selma’s carefree, fun-loving attitude, it was mostly a veneer that hid her fears and insecurities. There was a part of her that always felt like the other shoe was going to drop at some point. So she did her best to try to control the things that she knew she could, all with a smile and a joke.
Shaun was the opposite. He truly was cavalier in some ways, always believing that things would work out. She loved that quality in him, wondering what it would feel like to never have doubts.
That was one thing Shaun didn’t seem to have.
They skied up to the chairlift and got on. Soon they were being whisked high above the snow-white mountains dotted with tall pine trees.
Shaun pulled her close, his strong arms wrapping around her. She snuggled in, breathing in his scent. She loved being in his company, loved having him hold her. Every moment with him was a dream, a feeling of heightened ecstasy. The intoxicating effect of being in his presence caused her to dismiss her worries, even her common sense. It had been that way from the beginning, when they’d first gotten to know each other under a table in a restaurant that had crashed down around them during an earthquake. Shaun had told her things about himself…confessed his own insecurities. She hadn’t seen much of that vulnerability since, but it didn’t stop her from remembering the man she’d first fallen in love with. Even if he seemed more guarded now in some ways.
She always pushed away her doubts when she was with him. She knew he would eventually reveal himself to her in time. The love she had for him carried her through. It filled her like a song she couldn’t forget. Every morning, he was the first thing on her mind and the last thing in her thoughts before she drifted off to sleep. She wished she and Shaun could awaken together every morning, but she was grateful for the time they did have together with both of their complicated work schedules.
When they were together, everything else faded away. It was just the two of them in their own private world.
Selma snuggled close to him on the ski lift, imagining the beating of his heart through his thick ski jacket…a sound she loved whenever she laid her head on his chest after lovemaking.
Snow drifted softly around them. There was a poetic silence between them in this moment. A silence punctuated by the faint whirring of the ski lift overhead and the distant shouts of skiers below. The winter wonderland around them lent a magical feeling to the moment.
He bent down and lightly kissed her on her lips. It was a soft joining of their mouths, both cold from the crisp mountain air. As they kissed, their lips became warm together. It was a moment that felt suspended in time. It was just the two of them, high above the mountains with tenderness and affection and love swirling around them as softly as the snow flurries that fell gently from the sky.
It was then that Selma knew.
Knew without a doubt.
Shaun was everything she’d ever wanted. She couldn’t imagine life without him. She knew in her heart that she’d found her man: the man she wanted to be with always.
The thought gripped her chest with a momentary flash of panic, but then it subsided.
This was Shaun. The man she knew and loved.
Why not let herself completely go with him?
Love was a gift, and she couldn’t turn away from it any longer.
She was going to let him know. The next time he asked if she would love him always, she would say yes.
“Yes, I love you, Shaun…always.”
This would be a big step in their relationship. Granted, she’d told him how much she loved him every day, but whenever he asked, “Always?” she’d always skirted the issue. Looking into his green eyes always made her feel so vulnerable…but in a good way. She hadn’t been ready to tell him how much she saw him in her future until now.
But now she was ready. She was ready to tell Shaun that she would always be his.
That he was her one and only.
Chapter 2
The snow flurries turned into stronger gusts. A sudden blast of bitter wind rushed through Selma, and she shivered. Shaun pulled her closer and rubbed her arms. Their breath came out in puffs of fog. Gusts of snow blasted around them, shaking the trees below.
“Wow, the weather has changed,” she said.
“Looks like a storm is coming in,” he said. He stroked a piece of hair out of her eyes with his gloved hand. She looked up at him, and their eyes locked.
Tingles flooded her at his expression. The look in his pale green eyes was so intense and filled with so much love that she had to look away. He was so incredibly handsome. Her heart always skipped a beat whenever he looked at her. She couldn’t believe he was hers sometimes, even though she knew she was a hot number herself. But a man this good-looking, with his tanned face, green eyes, athletic body, and confident way of carrying himself: well, he was the kind of man that every woman wanted.
One of the things that Selma loved best about him was that despite his extraordinary good looks, Shaun only seemed to have eyes
for her.
Whenever they were out together, women would stare at him with blatant expressions that said if he even so much as glanced in their direction, they would drop their panties right there.
But Shaun never looked in their direction. He was either oblivious to the female attention, or he truly only had eyes for Selma.
“What are you thinking?” Shaun asked, breaking into her thoughts.
She smiled. “The usual.”
“What’s that?”
“How much I love you.”
“Always?”
There it was again, his standard question.
She looked up and met his eyes. There was a moment of silence, a moment of anticipation between them before she spoke.
“Always.” It was the first time she’d ever said that to him. It was her first acknowledgment that she did want him forever.
And she did.
She was ready.
Ready to let him know, ready for the next step in their relationship.
And what better time to do it on Christmas Eve? On their three-month anniversary? Here on a ski lift high above the beautiful snowy mountains? The moment truly did feel right.
He looked at her for a long moment, unblinking. Then he leaned in and kissed her again gently.
“I want you always too,” he murmured against her lips. “I love you.” Then he pulled back to look at her. “Will you promise to always love me no matter what happens or what challenges might cross our path?”
Something about his tone gave her pause. There was a heaviness in the conversation that hadn’t been there a moment before.
“Of course,” she said. “Why do you ask that?”
He was quiet for a moment, and then cleared his throat. “There’s something I haven’t told you. Something you need to know.”
Selma’s heart slid into a slow descent. Those were words no women ever wanted to hear.
The perfect moment didn’t feel so perfect anymore.
All of those doubts she’d pushed away suddenly came rushing back.
She braced herself. She had just given herself to him completely, and now he was going to pull the rug out from under. She felt it with every cell in her body.
“What is it?” she asked, trying to keep the tremble out of her voice.
“You’ve probably noticed I’ve been distracted lately.”
She took a deep breath. “Yes. But I figured it was probably work or something.” She paused and bit her lip. “You seem to check your phone a lot, and hide it from me. What’s that about?”
“It has to do with what I need to tell you.” Shaun reached out and took her hand. “I want you to know that the matter what, it doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”
“You’re scaring me.”
“I wanted to tell you so many times during these months together. But I could never bring myself to. I was afraid I was going to lose you if you knew. But I can’t let another day pass without telling you the truth.”
She swallowed hard, her mouth dry. “What is it?” My God, what could it be? Please don’t let it be a terminal illness or something.
She clasped her gloved hands together tightly, trying to control their trembling. She was sitting on her ski poles to keep them anchored and hands free, but now suddenly wished she had something to hold on to.
Another blast of bitter wind rushed through her, sending snow flurries into her face. She shivered again, her teeth chattering.
Shaun’s arm tightened around her shoulder. “Selma, I love you. Please know that.”
The ski lift was approaching the disembark station. A feeling of desperation welled up in her. She needed to know what he had to say before they exited, before they got off the lift. She didn’t know why, except that it felt urgent.
“Tell me,” she said.
His jaw clenched. He stared at her with a strange expression. The sky was gray behind him. Streaks of black clouds filled the sky, matching the dark look in his eyes.
Her heart dropped further. “What is it? Is it that bad?”
Their chair was fast approaching the end.
He pressed his lips together and looked away. “Selma, please forgive me.”
“What. Is. It?” Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper. “Please.”
He looked back and held her gaze with a look that made her heart stop.
“I’m married.”
Chapter 3
Before Selma could reply to the bomb Shaun had just dropped in her lap, their chair came to the end of the destination. They disembarked, skiing off the lift together in one fast whoosh.
Selma’s legs were unsteady, and she almost fell. He reached out to steady her, but she pulled away. At that moment, she’d never felt more disconnected to him.
They skied over to an area off to the side, beneath a tall pine tree. Skiers passed them on all sides, racing off down the mountain. Up above, chairlifts passed slowly overhead, carrying brightly clad people to their destinations farther up the mountain.
Selma looked at Shaun, swallowing hard against stinging tears that she refused to let flow. She couldn’t let him see her cry. Not here. Not now. Besides the shock and horror, the tears belied how angry she felt, a rage that was starting to boil up in her like a witch’s brew.
“I’m sorry,” he said, raising his gloved hands helplessly at her.
She stared at him, her teeth clenched to keep them from chattering. “You’re married? Please tell me I heard that wrong.”
“No…you didn’t hear it wrong.”
She bit her lip and looked away, unseeing. She swallowed hard against the hard knot in her throat. “How could you not tell me this before?” The minute she said the words, her stomach gave a violent heave. Nausea hit her throat like a sucker punch to her esophagus. “Oh my god. You’re married.”
Before he could reply, she turned and retched into the snow.
Shaun rushed to her side and rubbed her back. She pushed his hand away and whirled to face him.
“How could you?” She was crying openly now, hot tears running down her cheeks and instantly turning ice cold from the biting wind.
“I didn’t know how to tell you,” he said. His face twisted in concern. But to her at that moment, he looked like a monster wearing a mask. A lying, deceiving monster.
“Selma, please,” he said at her expression. “It’s not how it seems.”
“Oh, really? You mean it’s something different than you lied to me, led me on, made me believe you loved me, all the while being married? Unavailable? Please tell me you’re joking.”
“I do love you. Please don’t doubt that.”
She gave a bitter laugh. “I doubt everything.”
“Please hear me out. Let me explain.”
“No.” She shook her head slowly side to side. “I don’t want to hear more lies. I don’t want to hear any more. I’ve heard enough.” She stopped. “Wait, do you have kids?”
He stared at her with a long, stricken look that gave her the answer.
A low moan came from her throat. “You bastard,” she whispered. Her voice was tight with an anguish she couldn’t hide. “How could you?”
It was storming now, with long, hard blasts of snow swirling around and over them. The sky was dark with the impending storm, and the trees stood like white-capped, stern monoliths around them.
Violent shakes consumed Selma’s body. They had nothing to do with the cold.
“I’m sorry,” he said, reaching out to her. “Please. If you just heard what I had to--”
She batted his hand away. “No! There’s nothing to say. You’re married and you lied to me! I spent all these months falling more in love with you every day. And all along, you weren’t mine! And never would be.” She bit her trembling lip and closed her eyes for a moment, feeling dizzy. This can’t be happening, this can’t be happening.
When she opened her eyes, he was staring at her with an expression she’d never seen before. It looked like a cross between raw angu
ish and something else. Something she couldn’t place. Then she realized what it was. It was the expression in a hunted animal’s eyes, right before they’re shot. She’d seen that look too many times as a kid growing up in a family of deer hunters. And she’d never been able to forget it.
But why did he feel hunted, the bastard? She was the victim here, the prey. Not him!
“I’ve got to go,” she said. “I’ve got to get out of here.” She slid forward on her skis, but stumbled and nearly fell.
He reached out to steady her, but she hit his hand away. “Get away from me. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
“Selma, please. Don’t do this.”
“Oh, I’m doing it.” She skied forward, then stopped. She turned back and met his eyes. Her heart felt like dead, cold steel…a heavy weight in her chest. Dead weight, adding to the resolute feeling simmered in her. “Let me hear it one more time, just so it sinks in fully and so I never doubt breaking up with you. You’re married, right?”
He nodded.
“And you have a child?”
“Children.”
“More than one?”
“Yes.”
“How could you?”
He didn’t answer.
“How could you?” she repeated, screaming now.
He still didn’t answer.
“You were never mine.”
He didn’t answer.
Her stomach twisted into a sickening thud. “It’s over.” She turned and skied off down the hill, tears streaming down her face.
“Selma! Wait!” she heard him call behind her.
She ignored him.
She raced down the hill at breakneck speed. Her legs felt like rubber, jiggling beneath her as she skied. Wind and sleet hit her square in the face, stinging like hundreds of needles. She didn’t care, and in fact, the pain felt good, as if the outer physical pain could help alleviate the emotional pain.
