The Strength to Fall (McKinnon Brothers Book 1)

by Chisolm, D. M.

  “I believe you. I never thought you were leading me on just to tease me, but I could tell that you were holding back and fighting the feelings that I now know are mutual. I’ve never felt this way either so I have nothing to compare it to. I do know truth though, in words and in feelings. I may not know how to act around you and I don’t have the physical experience you have, but, and I have to say this even if it scares you, but this feels right. It feels scary as hell but it feels so right. Kissing you was the most natural thing in the world. I was terrified and I thought my heart might beat out of my chest, but it felt right, and I’d do it again even knowing you don’t feel the same way.”

  “Ozias! It’s not that I don’t feel the same way. Come sit down on the bed and let me explain. Just then the intercom buzzed. Damn it.

  “That’ll be the pizza. I’ll be right back.” He started to leave but suddenly turned around and came around the bed to me. He put his hand at the base of my neck gently and pulled me in for a kiss. This one was controlled and his tongue swirled slowly in my mouth. I felt myself relax into him and my hand flew up to cradle his face. The intercom buzzed again breaking the kiss. Damn! “Saved by the bell,” he said with a smirk and walked away from me.

  Oh, I was in so much trouble. This man was either going to be my salvation or my ruin. I prayed silently it wasn’t the later.

  Chapter Ten

  Our bellies full of the best pizza I have ever eaten, we reclined on the bed and both of us appearing nervous. “I need to work out this week,” I said randomly, “all this food is going straight to my hips and I don’t need an ounce of padding there.”

  “I think you’re perfect,” Ozias said as he gave me a very serious look. “Your body is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. You’re curves and your tanned skin. Your hair is such a beautiful brown and when you’re in certain light your red highlights are remarkable. They make your blue-green eyes look like the ocean. I could stare into them for hours.”

  Wow. No one has ever talked to me like that. “Thank you,” is all I could say. I flushed from his stare and the heat between us was palpable. “Speaking of the ocean, I need to tell you my story. Are you ready?”

  Ozias nodded and moved to lay on his side with his head propped up by his palm.

  “Ok, here it goes. Bear with me, ok?” He nodded. “Do you know what happened December 26, 2004?” My heart was beating wildly and I was starting to sweat. My Fitbit registered my pulse at 88 and climbing. I breathed deeply and exhaled. I felt Ozias grab my hand and I felt a calm come over me. I can do this, I told myself.

  “Not right off hand, no. Let’s see I would have been 15, so I was already a senior. I can’t remember if there was something that happened that made world news.”

  “You were a senior at 15?”

  “Yes, but that’s a story for another time. Don’t lose focus. Continue please.”

  “Yes, well, something did happen that made world news. Wait, I need to go back or this won’t make sense. My parents were high school sweethearts. You can still drive around the high school campus in my small town and see their initials carved in trees. M.M. hearts E.S., Matthew McLeod and Elizabeth Stuart. They attended the local university together and married in 1984, during their winter break of senior year. They were both twenty-one, had been dating by that time almost eight years. Mom told me they were just ready to start their lives together so why wait. They were practical people. Their wedding was in our small church, mom just wore a nice dress. They had been saving money to start their own restaurant, so neither wanted a big wedding. They spent the weekend in New Orleans for their honeymoon, then came back to finish school and start their restaurant. They just weren’t the kind of people to take big vacations or spend that kind of money, like I said, very practical. My dad had a fun side and could at times be spontaneous but even that he did with caution. I was born five years later and my twin brothers, Jacob and Joshua, two years after me. We were a normal middle class family. We never had a lot of money but we never wanted for anything either. I had friends and even though school was a struggle sometimes, I held my own.” Ozias was looking at me with an expression of what does all this have to do with why you’re here?

  “I know it sounds like I’m rambling, but it’s important to understand the type of people my parents were.” I said in a way of explanation. He just nodded and continued listening.

  “My maternal grandmother is more like Aunt Claire was, exciting and loved romance and mystery. She was the one who taught me all the great classic books and movies.” I took a deep breathe knowing I was getting to the hard part of the story. I exhaled slowly.

  “Well, she surprised my parents with a vacation for their 20th wedding anniversary and was convinced they needed a real honeymoon type vacation for their 20th, so she planned it all. She surprised them with a week in the Maldives in this amazing cabin right on the water. Their anniversary was December 22. Holiday season is not the time to take vacation in the restaurant business but my grandmother had taken care of everything-all the details.” I swallowed hard. I’m getting close to the part I never talk about, the part I’ve only said out loud a few times and it never gets easier. Ozias is still holding my hand. He must sense my trepidation because he sat up next to me and puts his arm around me. I laid my head in the crook of his shoulder. Breath, I can do this.

  “It took a lot of convincing but they agreed to go, even though they really didn’t want to leave us or the restaurant at Christmas time. We had Christmas early that year. We drove them to the New Orleans airport early Monday December 20, 2004.” My voice cracked and I couldn’t speak. Ozias handed me my water and asked if I wanted to stop. I shook my head no. I felt him pull me closer to him and kiss the top of my head. The tears started to flow then. “I still remember waving to them before they walked to the security check point.” I sniffled and Ozias handed me a Kleenex from the nightstand. They were coming back Monday December 27 but, but,…..they never made it back.” The dam broke at that point and I was sobbing. The pain was too much to bear, even eleven years later. Ozias must have made the connection because I heard him whisper tsunami.

  I couldn’t stop the tears and I was starting to hyperventilate when I felt Ozias rubbing my back in small circles and saying. “I’m here. Cry if you need to. I’ll be right here.”

  It took several minutes for me to speak again. “Yes, the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami,” I said in a quiet strained voice. I breathed deeply again. “We had spoken to them on Christmas, one day before. Mom was confirming their return flight and she said they were going to spend their last day lounging on the beach by their cabin. She sounded so relaxed, so, so happy. I’ll never forget waking up on the 26th, a Sunday, and hearing the news on the TV. My grandmother was crying hysterically and trying to call and get information but all the lines were either tied up or dead. Their cell phones just went to voicemail. Aunt Claire was there for Christmas and was supposed to return that day but she stayed for the week. She was calling politicians she knew in but no one could get us any information. We just sat and stared at the TV, watching the videos as they were being released. It was horrifying. Unbelievable. They were coming home the very next day.” I cried harder and held my face in my hands. “The very next day. If they had left one day early, they’d still be here and I’d be there with them.

  And here come the part I need him to understand. I took a sip of my water and looked at him. “I wouldn’t have felt the need to move here and learn how to live a life without them. It sounds crazy saying that eleven years later, but I was only fifteen. I had a lot of growing up left to do but I had to do that all at once because my brothers needed me. Of course my grandmother was wonderful and took us in but she was never the same either. Parents shouldn’t lose their children, it’s not the order of things.” I took a swallow of my water and tried to continue but Ozias spoke first.

  “Are you here to start over? Because if so, this is a great place to do that. I’m so sorry for all the loss you’ve suff
ered. Your pain is so great, it’s breaking my heart.” He squeezed me to him even tighter.

  “Not so much as start over as to prove I can live on my own. I was never the most confident child, and I had some anxiety growing up but it was over normal kid-type stuff like being alone in the dark and nightmares. When my parents never returned, everything seem to scare me. My mind was on overdrive, always thinking. If the phone rang, I would rush to answer it thinking it was them. If it was a wrong number I would convince myself that it was someone who knew where they were but wouldn’t tell us. I was starting to crack and as wonderful as my grandmother was, she didn’t know what to do.”

  “Did you ever get to talk to a counselor or anything like that?” Ozias asked.

  “Not for a long time. I started seeing Dr. May my senior year of high school. I threw myself into school and taking care of my brothers. In college, I took summer classes every year, just to stay busy, and graduated early. My uncle moved back to town and took over the restaurant a few months after they didn’t come home. I worked as a waitress and by the time I was a sophomore in college I was helping with all the catering and event planning. I love to do that and it gave me a focus, but all of it was just a Band-Aid.” I moved to the side of the bed and dangled my legs over. I needed to stretch, I was a ball of tight muscles. Ozias moved next to me and rubbed the back of my neck.

  “Do you need anything else? More pizza, water?” He was so sweet. I could tell he was a little shocked by my story and he was trying so hard to comfort me.

  “I’m ok. I just feel really tense. I think I need to move around a bit. Can we resume this later? It takes a lot out of me to tell this story and with the last few days already being so crazy…moving here, finding out my furniture couldn’t be delivered, being injured by some hot stranger.” I nudged him with my shoulder so he knew I was joking. He smiled and it make me warm all over.

  “Why don’t we go for a walk? You haven’t seen the greenhouse, it’s beautiful.”

  Uh, more elevator time if we do that, ugh. “Can, I take a raincheck? I don’t feel like fighting the elevator demon right now.”

  He laughed out loud. “Elevator demon? You feel that strongly against them?”

  “They’re pure evil,” I shot back.

  “Can you tell me why though?” He got serious again.

  “No, not really, and that’s the pain in the ass about all my triggers. Most of them I can’t tell you why they render me terrified. I do know that claustrophobia is part of it, and I feel like I’m in a tomb, but I can’t tell you why. I’m working on it though. Part of why I’m here.”

  “And you don’t want to get involved with me because I would hinder that in some way?”

  “Oh, Ozias, I don’t know, but that’s what I am afraid of. When I wasn’t studying, I spent all of my college years trying to drown my pain away with alcohol, partying, and guys. I realized quickly that I didn’t enjoy the first two very much and guys just always left me feeling hollow.”

  “I wouldn’t do that to you, I promise.” He touched my knee and looked in my eyes.

  “Hey, I thought we were going to take a break and do something to take my mind off all this.”

  Ozias wiggled his eyebrows and leaned in to kiss me.

  “Not that! Geez!”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No, I’m not mad. I just need a distraction that’s not sexual at the moment, ok? If you think you’re serious about me, using sex as a way to comfort me isn’t going to work. That’s what I did before, I just told you that, and it turned out to be the wrong thing.”

  He sighed and stood up reaching for my hands. “Ok, well we could do something really serious and no fun at all.”

  I smirked at him as he pulled me to standing. “I didn’t mean it had to be that bad. What activity did you have in mind that is so depressing?”

  His demeanor changed from playful to serious. “We can go visit my mother.”

  Chapter Eleven

  The McKinnon’s unit looked similar to Ozias’. A lot of the same colors and finishing, except this one felt like a home, like a home you’d come back to. There was sweet vanilla scent in the air, like cookies baking. The windows had heavy draperies encasing them in deep rich tones. Family pictures were places methodically around the open concept living room and on walls. I was following Ozias and noticed a walker in one corner of the room. I remember now him mentioning his mother having a nurse come each day. Was she sick? Was that why Doc talked about her the way he did? I was about to find out when we stopped at a bedroom door at the end of the hall.

  “Can you wait here a minute?” Ozias asked. I nodded. He knocked lightly. “Carla? Mom? It’s me, Ozias, can I come in?”

  There was noise of movement and someone walking. The door opened slightly.

  “Ozias! Give us a minute and we’ll come out. She just woke from a nap.” A petite women with a round figure wearing purple scrubs answered the door. Her honeyed skin was slightly wrinkled and her grin was wide and bright when she saw Ozias.

  He nodded towards me, “Carla, this is my friend Adira. She moved into Claire’s. We’ll be in the living room waiting.”

  “Nice to meet you,” Carla said extending her hand to me. She looked to Ozias with a sly grin. I shook her hand. It was warm, comforting, like a mother’s hand.

  We took a seat on the couch that was facing the windows waiting for his mother. I had so many questions but I felt embarrassed to ask.

  “I guess I should have told you this already, but you’ve just had so much on you I didn’t want to add another depressing element. I try to visit every day and since I didn’t yesterday, I promised I’d come today. I hope you don’t mind.” Ozias appeared apprehensive.

  “Is she sick?” I whispered.

  “She has early onset Parkinson’s Disease. She’s had symptoms since she was forty. She has good days and bad. We had to hire Carla to come every day about a year ago when dementia type symptoms appeared. The disease has progressed faster than her doctors anticipated.” He was trying to be upbeat but I could see his pain in his eyes.

  “Can she, will she, um, does she know who you are?”

  “Yes, as of right now she knows family. My brothers don’t come as often as they should so there has been a few times it took her a minute to remember. That made them come even less. Shook up my youngest brother, Declan, pretty bad. He’s in college at Harvard. I have expect him to skip Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.”

  “And your other brother, Alastair?”

  “He lives here, in the city, but works all the time, I mean all the time. He’s in real estate. He rarely comes home, only if dad calls and makes him.”

  “Alastair? That’s your dad’s name too, isn’t it? So he’s a second?”

  “No, he’s a third, my dad was named after my grandad. He owned a lot of property here, his company is the one Alastair works for and my dad does too, but he doesn’t really make decisions anymore, he handed that down to Alastair.”

  I was about to ask what Ozias did for a living when I heard Carla enter the room.

  “Come on, Ms. Josephine. Ozias is here and he brought a friend, a lady friend.” She smiled and winked at Ozias. He turned bright red. I chuckled.

  “Hey, mom. Glad we came while you’re awake. You look lovely today.” Ozias took his mother’s hand that was shaking and kissed her cheek. She was almost the same height as Ozias with black hair that fell to her shoulders. She had a curvy, shapely figure and I thought she must have been quite voluptuous in her youth. Her skin was olive and her eyes were bright green. She was beautiful and I knew now where Ozias got his looks. He pointed to me and made introductions. “Mom, this is my friend, Adira, she moved into Claire’s unit.”

  I was nervous. I didn’t know what to do. Did I try to shake her trembling hand? I noticed she moved slowly and a few times she stopped as if she was frozen in one spot. I could see her mind willing her body to move. Slowly she’d take another step. Carla walked beside her as
a guide. Ozias led his mother to a chair opposite the couch. I hopped over to her and bent slightly.

  “It’s very nice to meet you, Mrs. McKinnon.” Instead of shaking her hand I took it gently in mine and gave a gentle squeeze.

  “Claire? You know you call me Jo. Don’t be silly.” She looked at me in confusion. Her voice was slightly shaky.

  “No, mom. This is Claire’s niece, Adira. She’s going to live in Claire’s unit now” Ozias patiently explained to her.

  “Oh, well you sound like Claire. You can call me Ms. Jo then.”

  I laughed. I guess the southern accent was what she associated with Aunt Claire.

  Clara broke the awkwardness. “May I get you two anything? Ms. Jo is about to have some tea and I made chocolate chip cookies.”

  Ozias looked at me for an answer. “That would be lovely, thank you.” I said.

  We sat across from Ozias’ mom, drank hot tea, and ate cookies mainly in silence. Then all of a sudden his mom spoke, “So you’re the niece Claire was always talking about? I’m so excited that you’re finally here, now all the plans we made can come true. I’m so happy for you and Ozias.” She looked back and forth to both of us.

  I almost spit out my tea. “She spoke about me to you?”

  Ozias was stunned as well. “Mom, are you sure? Dad didn’t even know Adira was moving in to Claire’s.”

  “Your father doesn’t know everything. He thinks he does, but he doesn’t. Claire told me many things he knows nothing about.” She appeared satisfied with herself. It was clear she had moments of clarity but speech was challenging for her. She sipped her tea looking at us.

  “You’re right about that, mom.” Ozias spoke to her like she wasn’t sick and that warmed my heart.

  “Um, what did she say about me? If you don’t mind me asking.” I didn’t know she had ever talked about me except to her lawyers.