I got a call from Caspar around 5:00 pm saying he was popping over to see his parents for a quick visit. His parents had come down from the Lake District. They were staying over at his aunt and uncle’s house for the night, before flying out on holiday from Heathrow airport. Roseford is significantly closer to the airport than the Lake District. As he didn’t get to see them that much anymore, he wanted to have a quick catch up with them before we went out.
He told me he would be at mine for 7:30 pm and he was looking forward to seeing me. I spent ages choosing an outfit and for once I was having a good hair day. Anyway 7:30 pm came and went with no sign of Caspar. I knew traffic could be bad so I wasn’t too worried. By 8:00 pm he still hadn’t shown up. His phone was switched off so I couldn’t get hold of him.
He’s probably just lost track of time because he hasn’t seen his parents for ages, I had told myself. By 9:30 pm, I knew that there was more to it than that. I remember worrying myself sick thinking he must have got into an accident but deep down I felt that wasn’t really the case. I remember staying up until about 2:00 am, half hoping he would show up with a good explanation.
A couple more hours passed and I finally accepted that he was not coming. How could he do this to me, especially on my birthday? My boyfriend has just stood me up on my 21st birthday. It was sick and cruel. I can still feel the sharp jolts of pain gripping my stomach. They say your heart breaks but it’s the pain in my stomach that I remember most.
I knew he couldn’t have been in an accident because I would have heard from his parents or friends. I was feeling so humiliated. I had told all my friends how excited I was to be taken out by him. It was going to be so embarrassing to tell them the truth when they asked.
I tried to ring him a few times the next day, but he never answered or called back. Eventually I decided that I had to keep my dignity in this situation. I wasn’t going to send angry texts or ring him demanding to know what had happened. I didn’t want to show him I was bothered by his actions. I felt it would make me seem more vulnerable if I kept contacting him. So I did what I always do. Buried my head in the sand and avoided the situation.
Yes, I can still remember that night like it was yesterday. I remember it all… the excitement and anticipation I had felt waiting for Caspar to come and take me out to celebrate my birthday. Then the hurt when it had become crystal clear he was not going to show up. I can still remember the excruciating pain I felt that night. It is something that I don’t think will ever leave me.
I remember the deep gnawing pain in my gut and the emotional turmoil where I couldn’t calm my mind. That state of mental distress where you don’t even know what to do with yourself. I couldn’t sit still but pacing up and down offered no comfort. Panic, anxiety and tears came in waves. I felt I was losing control of both my mind and body and it was absolutely awful.
Of course I didn’t sleep that night. Instead I waited up with my mobile phone by side. At times, I had convinced myself that this was all a mistake. Some sort of incident or emergency must have happened which had prevented Caspar from getting hold of me. I was sure he was going to turn up the next day with a genuine reason for why he hadn’t showed up. That never happened.
My friends were so amazing and supportive during this time. They were furious with the way Caspar had treated me. They spent the next few weeks with me making sure I wasn’t on my own and kept me occupied.
‘He’ll regret what he did and he will be lost without you,’ Leanna kept telling me. ‘He’ll come crawling back but don’t you dare take him back.’
For weeks I cried endlessly and my heart felt broken. I barely ate or slept. I was hopeful for a while that I would hear back from Caspar. I waited for him to get in touch and I prayed for any sign of communication. But he never did, I didn’t even get one text or phone call. He just never came back.
I used to torture myself with memories of our time together. Our late night conversations, our date nights, our plans for the future and all the silly little jokes we shared. We were a perfect match for each other. We made each other happy and we laughed together all the time. We had never even had a fight in all the time we knew each other.
I couldn’t accept that things were over. I struggled to understand what it was that went wrong. The only obvious reason I could think of was that I simply wasn’t good enough for him.
Nov 28th
I always thought Caspar and I had this amazingly great relationship. I keep trying to work out what actually went wrong between us. I have gone over and over our relationship to understand why he did what he did. We never even had a fight. Why couldn’t he just have told me he didn’t want to be with me? Does he hate me so much or think so little of me that he felt he had no other choice but to ghost me out of his life? How could he end things in such a cruel way?
I am obviously not good enough for him. I still haven’t got any answers or explanations from him about my birthday. Only total silence. Caspar seems to have completely disappeared into thin air. I have officially been ghosted. This made Leanna go into a fit of hysterics when I told her. You have been ghosted by Caspar the ghost, she keeps reminding me.
She quickly stopped when she realised I was not impressed by her behaviour. We almost got into a massive fight about it. I could really do without her sarcastic comments right now. She’s all smug because she’s got Nick.
Looking back I can now see the funny side of Leanna’s joke and I can even crack a bit of a smile. But I remember feeling so alone during that period of grief and depression. Caspar’s disappearance took over my every thought and his absence haunted my dreams every night. I was exhausted in the mornings following the nights of disturbed sleep. For weeks I couldn’t eat or sleep properly. I desperately wanted Caspar back. I felt empty without him in my life.
There was still a small part of me expected him to contact me and apologize about the whole situation. But nothing, I never heard from him again. .
Deep down, I always thought he was too good for me. I mean why would somebody as good looking as him seriously fancy someone like me? He was majorly hot and 6 years older than me. He probably thought I was too immature for him.
To this day, I have never had feelings for as strong for anyone like I did for Caspar Danes. Standing me up on my 21st birthday was cruel. If he hadn’t really liked me why did he go through the whole charade of asking me out? He was the one that had chased me for goodness sake. Maybe he just liked to play around with people’s hearts as a bit of an ego boost.
The whole episode really knocked my confidence. It still does to this day, if I am brutally honest. I managed to get through the pain eventually. I decided that it was best to steer clear of drop dead gorgeous guys. Not that they were flocking to me or anything. So avoiding them was never actually going to be an issue.
Being at college was probably my saving grace. There were just so many parties and social events going on. It was the perfect distraction. The thrill of wondering who we might hook up with was exciting and fun. I even started going out with a guy called Liam. We had a fun 4 months together but things just fizzled out once we left college.
I know nothing bad had happened to Caspar because we still worked at Sheridan’s with Shana. I told Leanna not to tell her anything. Even though Shana seemed fairly nice, I didn’t fully trust her. I always got the vibe that she fancied Caspar herself and she didn’t like the whole situation between him and I. If she ever had any news of Caspar, she would tend to drop it in conversation as if she was bragging about how she was so close to him.
So that’s the sum of my relationship with Caspar. Not much to talk about really. We were official for a few months before he dumped me. Technically he never actually dumped me. He ghosted me.
If I am really honest, I kind of did want to see him again. I want him to realise that he had missed out on something really great. We had known each other for over 2 years and I felt that we had a connection. I imagined scenarios where he would bump into me at various location
s. In these scenarios, I was always looking great and acted so cool that Caspar would beg me to get back with him. I can have my dreams can’t I?
Chapter 7
I have decided I need more than just weekly conditioning treatments to sort my hair out. It is a frizzy mess and needs hours of using hair straighteners to make it look acceptable.
First thing Monday morning, I call up my hairdressers to book in one of those keratin hair smoothing treatments. It is expensive but worth it as it will make my hair easier to manage. It also lasts a few months meaning I have to spend significantly less time with hair straighteners. This is how I justified the cost to myself.
I am also going to increase my gym sessions so that I can lose the layer of fat I have built around my stomach and thighs. A week’s indulgence over Christmas had continued over into the winter months as I comfort ate my way through the cold weather. I was still keeping up with my gym work outs but I wasn’t really pushing myself as much as I could be.
The part of me that was mad at Caspar spurred me into action. It also made me stronger as I no longer felt I should be skulking around worried about seeing him at the gym. I joined that gym first and I shouldn’t have to alter my gym session times just to avoid him.
I have built up to running on the treadmill for 45 minutes without stopping. I blast out hundreds of different ab crunches and core moves. My body hurts but I feel great. I can start to see the changes in my body. The layer of fat on my abs and thighs is disappearing and I am starting to get quite toned.
Work is busy and the Pineapple Wedding is getting more extreme by the minute. Honey is really flying off with the theme. At one point she wanted the registrar who was officiating the wedding to wear a pineapple suit. She wanted one made from this gold pineapple-patterned fabric she had found. Luckily I have managed to convince her to drop the idea.
I was also tasked with the job of finding more pineapple-patterned fabric for the bridesmaid’s dresses. This was not proving easy as most of the fabrics I found screamed out beachwear instead of classy wedding. Honey was not very happy with my inability to locate a suitable fabric.
‘Sammi you are being really negative about all this,’ she says as she picks at a loose thread on her pink playsuit.
‘I’m not,’ I protest. ‘I am just trying to keep your wedding theme classy just like you asked me. This theme can be amazing if it’s done properly. But at the moment some of the ideas are more tropical beach party than elegant wedding.’
‘Hmmm,’ Honey shrugs, ‘Well what do you suggest for the bridesmaids then?’
One thing I know about Honey is that she loves shiny glittery things just as much as she loves her pineapple theme.
‘Well, there are these stunning hair accessories made with Swarovski crystals. We can have them customized with crystal pineapples.’
‘Go on,’ Honey’s eyes widen with interest.
‘We can make the dresses from a pale gold fabric and accessorize them with a simple rhinestone belt studded with a larger version of the crystal pineapples used for the hair pieces.’ I am quite impressed with my own creativity.
Honey loves the idea and goes for it. The trade- off is that she now wants a tiara made with Swarovski crystal pineapples.
I have had my keratin blow dry treatment at the hairdresser’s. It’s looking sleek and shiny. Despite my previous resolution to go to the gym without worrying if Caspar is there or not, I have lost my resolve. Weak Sammi is back. I still can’t face going to the gym unless I have received a Gemma alert. Today is no different so I take out my phone to type out a text.
Gem – how R U? Has C been in for a workout yet today? Xxx
A few minutes later, Gemma replies.
Hi Hun. He is in now, will text you when he leaves. Xxx
I look at my watch. It’s 5:26pm. Early for him to be working out. Hopefully I can get to the gym by 6pm for my work out. I carry on with some much overdue paperwork and by 5:50pm I hear my phone ping. I check it and see a text message from Gem.
Coast is clear – he is gone!!!! Xx
Brilliant, at this rate I can get my workout done and be home by 7:30 pm. Perfect time to settle in and watch some trashy tv and get a good night’s sleep.
I walk into the gym’s reception and see Gem. She is on the phone but gives me a little wave. I get changed into my workout clothes. I head into the gym and find a free treadmill so I can start my run.
After about 5 minutes, my breathing gets easier and I can feel myself getting into the rhythm of running. I love that feeling when my running feels effortless.
I run for another 40 minutes and then begin my cool down. When I finish, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I am completely red in the face which always happens, regardless of how fit I am. I go over to get some ant-bacterial wipes to clean off my treadmill when I hear my name.
‘Sammi,’ a familiar deep male voice says behind me.
I turn round to see Caspar staring right at me. Inside, my body is going into full blown panic mode but my head is telling me to keep calm. This is not how I expected to face him. I am annoyed at the fact that I look a hot mess. I have been so religious at making sure my hair and makeup have been perfect virtually everywhere I go. I didn’t make the effort tonight as he wasn’t meant to be here.
What the hell is he doing here?
What do I do?
I remember Auntie Jo’s advice of acting polite but indifferent. I feel so flustered and dizzy but I manage to stay cool.
‘Hello Caspar,’ I answer not really knowing what else to say.
‘I didn’t know you worked out here.’ Caspar gives me one of his sexy smiles that used to melt my insides.
‘Umm yeah I do,’ I reply as indifferently as I can.
‘So it’s great to see you,’ he is still smiling at me. ‘How have you been?’
I am stunned. How have I been? Seriously, I mean come on. You pretty much ghosted me on my 21st. I haven’t seen or heard from you since and you want to know how I have been? I am struggling to come up with an answer for this question. I tell myself to remember Auntie Jo’s words of wisdom. I somehow manage to channel my inner calm.
‘Really good thanks, things are pretty fantastic,’ I tell him.
‘That’s great,’ he says pushing a floppy stand of hair off his forehead.
‘Anyway, I’m so sorry, I have plans tonight so I must dash,’ I pull out an anti-bacterial wipe from the dispenser.
‘Yeah, sure,’ Caspar seems a bit disappointed.
‘But umm nice seeing you,’ I say as I walk over to my treadmill, resisting the urge to look back. I quickly wipe down the treadmill so that I can escape before I have any more encounters with Caspar.
Bloody hell, I think to myself as I rush back to the women’s changing rooms. I sit myself down on a bench in the women’s changing room. I take a few minutes to compose myself. The reality of what’s happened hasn’t really hit me yet.
‘Oh my god, I am soooo sorry.’ Gemma comes running in to the changing room.
‘I tried to warn you he came back. I text you and everything,’ she sounds stressed.
I look at my phone and see a few frantic texts.
Caspar has just come back for a workout, leave if you can xx
Sammi, HE is here, watch out for him!!!!
‘He has never come back for a second workout on the same day before.’ Poor Gemma looks really distressed.
‘It’s not your fault,’ I reassure her. ‘I never thought he would come back on the same night either.’
I feel completely blindsided again. I have been living on high alert since I found out that Caspar was back. I have got used to checking my surroundings for any sign of him so that I don’t awkwardly bump into him. I have exhausted myself by waking up earlier to make sure my hair and make-up is top notch every single day. Then the one time, I let my guard down and go to the gym looking less than perfect…. I see him.
‘So anyway how did it go?’ Gemma looks really concerned for
me.
‘Don’t know really. It was all over before I had a chance to take in what was happening.’
‘But what did you guys say? Did he speak to you first?’ Gemma starts bombarding me with questions.
‘I was getting the stuff to wipe down my treadmill and he just appeared behind me,’ I recount what had just happened.
‘Oh okay, well what did he say?’
‘I can’t really remember it too clearly. He came up to me and asked how I was.’
‘What did you say?’
‘I somehow managed to stay calm and told him that I was doing really well.’
‘Did he mention your 21st birthday at all?’
‘No, I ended the conversation pretty quickly after that. I told him I needed to be somewhere and I had to shoot.’
‘Good for you for staying so strong.’ Gemma gets up and hugs me. She looks at her watch and says she has to get back to reception.
I shower and change quickly, determined to get out of the gym before Caspar finishes his workout. My phone shows several missed calls from Leanna.
‘Oh my god,’ Leanna is in full blown dramatic mode. ‘Gemma’s just rung me and told me. Are you ok?’
I quickly fill her in on what happened at the gym.
‘Wow. He just came up to you acting all casual?’ Leanna asks.
‘Yes, it was just like we were old acquaintances who had just caught up again.’
‘Well, you have handled it really well. I am so proud of you Sammi.’
‘Thanks, it was Auntie Jo’s pep talk that kicked in, thank goodness. I don’t know what happened but I got this sudden strength to keep it together and stay calm.’
‘Did he not even mention what happened on your birthday?’ Leanna wants to know.
‘No, but to be fair I did cut the conversation short. I mean we didn’t get past the’ how’s it going?’ stage’. He’s hardly going to launch into my 21st birthday incident.’
Ghosted: Wicked Wedding Planners Series Page 8
