I can’t stop thinking about all the happy times I had with Caspar which is not helping my resolve to treat him with indifference. I try to block my brain from thinking these thoughts but it doesn’t work. The more I reminisce over our happy memories together, the more my heart softens towards him. I remind myself about the night of my 21st and that helps keep me on track.
Bath and trashy tv night tonight. I have definitely earned it over the last few weeks. Work has been manic thanks to the new blog. Leanna texts me and we agree to catch up on Sunday for brunch.
Chapter 9
T he next day at work is a paperwork day. I only have one appointment with a new couple who want to use our planning services. Thom rings me and asks if I am free for lunch as we are due a catch up and he wants to go through a couple of the cake orders he is doing for us.
He suggests a new café, Garden of Eden that has opened up further down the high street. It has got some really great reviews and I’ve been meaning to go there for ages. It uses only organic foods and tries to use mostly seasonal produce when possible. Thom and I are both foodies so it’s right up our street.
The café is busy which is always a good sign. Thom is already here and has managed to get us a great table by the window.
‘Hey Thom,’ I lean over to kiss his cheek and sit down.
‘Wow, the food looks great,’ I scan through the menu and look over the salads and hot sandwiches wondering what I should order.
‘I know, it looks good doesn’t it?’
‘Almost as good as your cakes,’ I smile at him.
‘You are always my biggest fan,’ Thom grins back.
I look back at the menu. I am a massive avocado fan. I always have been. Even way before avocados became a superfood and all trendy. I decide to order the avocado, goat’s cheese, chorizo and red pepper sandwich which comes with a superfood slaw. Thom goes for the café’s house pizza which seems to be loaded with practically every topping you can think of.
‘So how are things going in the wonderful world of weddings?’ Thom asks me.
‘Really good. Nic has been really hot on setting up all our social media and it has really increased business. So to answer your question, we are super busy.’
‘That’s good to hear,’ Thom says, ‘Speaking of business, I just need to talk to you about Honey’s wedding cake.’
‘Yeah sure, how’s it coming along?’ I ask.
‘Fine, there’s no problem with the cake but it’s Honey…’ he hesitates slightly.
‘Oh, what do you mean?’ I can already guess where he is going with this.
‘Does she tend to get over intense about things and change her mind a lot?’
‘She is pretty intense. Honey does change her mind a lot and she has this habit of throwing in extra things that she wants at the last minute.’
‘It’s driving me insane. She keeps sending me pictures of new décor ideas for the cake. I need it all finalised so that I can actually make the blasted thing.’
Oh god, I know how hard it is to manage clients like this. Thom is such a perfectionist and he likes to know exactly what is expected of him in advance so he can make the perfect cake. He will not work well with a client who keeps adding new suggestions in every 5 minutes.
‘Do you want me to have a word with her?’ I ask him.
‘Please, because if she carries on, I will cancel the order and she will have to find someone else.’
‘It’s only 6 weeks until her wedding. I can’t imagine finding anyone else. At this rate, I’ll be baking a pineapple upside down cake and sticking a gold spray painted pineapple on the top,’ I feel slightly panicked at the thought.
‘Not a bad idea actually,’ Thom laughs, ‘I am sure you could pull it off.’
‘Have you tried my baking?’ I say jokingly.
Our lunches arrive and they look and taste brilliant.
‘I’ve also got this woman called Linda who keeps ringing up about Amelie Stevenson’s cake. She says that she is coordinating things with you.’
‘Oh god,’ I shrug my shoulders in despair and fill Thom in on my antics with Linda.
‘She sounds like a complete nightmare. I love that you locked her in the toilet.’
‘Damn, I wasn’t really meant to tell anyone about that. Nic will have a fit if she finds out. Please don’t tell anyone I did that. She thinks if stories like that get around we will lose business.’
‘Don’t worry, I have clients from hell too and I wish I could inflict some revenge on them too. Nobody will hear anything from me,’ he reassures me.
I smile at Thom. ‘Thanks, it’s great to have someone to talk to who can relate.’
‘I feel the same. You know, we really should do this more often. I mean we went out a few times and I had a really great time with you.’
‘Sure, I’m up for checking out more of the foodie places around here.’ I pick up my sandwich and take a bite. It’s absolute heaven.
‘I was hoping to maybe make it a date?’
‘Oh,’ I say slightly taken aback by his question. ‘It’s just that things have gotten a bit complicated lately.’
‘Are you seeing anyone at the moment?’ Thom looks a bit surprised.
‘No not really. It’s my ex, Caspar. You know the guy I was seeing when I was in college.’
‘Are you okay?’ Thom puts down his slice of pizza.
Thom is one of a few select people I have confided in about Caspar. He knows all about my 21st birthday.
‘Well kind of. I bumped into him in the gym and he wants to meet up and talk about it.’
‘Oh right. How do you feel about that?’
‘I’m really not sure. My head is all over the place,’ I tell him. ‘It’s brought back all those horrible old feelings.’
‘I can imagine. Believe me, I’ve been there,’ Thom has been in this really toxic relationship with Sasha.
Sasha has a massive hold over Thom. They have been on and off for 6 years. He is smitten with her but she has always called the shots. In the last year, he has started getting fed up with the way she treats him.
That’s why we only ever went out for a few dates. Just as something could have happened between us, Sasha stepped back into the scene. I swear she has a radar that detects when Thom is moving on. All she has to do is snap her fingers and Thom goes running back to her.
To be fair, I wasn’t overly bothered at the time as I wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship. k I was enjoying the dating scene. So we decided to stay friends
‘Is Sasha completely out of the picture then?’ I look at him intently.
‘She is at the moment’ he admits.
‘Only at the moment?’ I remark. ‘Maybe we are destined to be just friends.’
‘Yeah you’re probably right,’ he looks a bit disappointed.
We finish off our lunch telling each other more stories about our worst clients. Soon enough we are back to our easy going banter. If only we both didn’t hold so much baggage. Maybe we could move on and get together. I mean we have so much in common, but then again are we better off as friends?
Chapter 10
I wake up on Sunday morning, and smile when I realise it’s a lie-in day. I don’t have to be anywhere too early today. Nic and I worked two weddings yesterday and I am shattered. I eventually get myself out of bed and take a nice long hot shower. I use my new Argan oil shampoo and conditioner and take my time to blow dry and straighten my hair. It takes much less time since I had that keratin blow dry. Well worth the money.
I am still torn over contacting Caspar. I keep taking his business card out of my purse to stare at it. I keep typing out texts and then deleting them. A big part of me is telling me I should rip it up. Leanna is my girl and I will talk it over with her over brunch.
I am meeting her at 11:30am at a place called Pure. I arrive before she does so I find a nice little table tucked away into a corner. Five minutes later, Leanna turns up looking radiant and gorgeous as ever. She has
had her hair dip-dyed and the ends are a gorgeous golden brown. She is wearing it down and has loosely curled the ends. Leanna loves changing her hair colour on a fairly regular basis.
‘Hi sweetie,’ Leanna leans down to give me a peck on the cheek. ‘Feels like I haven’t seen you in ages. What’s been happening with you?’
It’s only been 4 days since we spoke but in our friendship that counts as ages. We rarely go that long without contact.
‘I have loads to tell you,’ I tell her.
‘Right, let’s order first so we can talk uninterrupted,’ Leanna says as she picks up a menu and reads through it.
The choice is huge and I know I will struggle to make a decision as loads of the brunch dishes look amazing.
‘Wow, I am going for the goat’s cheese and wild mushroom omelette scattered with fresh herbs,’ Leanna reads out the dish emphasizing every word.
‘That sounds so good,’ I flick through the menu again,’ I just don’t know what to have.’
‘Hurry up,’ Leanna says ‘I’m starving and I am dying to hear your news.’
‘Ok,’ I scan through the menu for a final time. ‘Right, I’ll go for the halloumi, chorizo, spinach and poached egg brunch platter.’
‘Nice choice,’ Leanna nods approvingly while waving over to the waitress to indicate that we are ready to order.
After we have ordered, Leanna turns to me. ‘Right, now go on, tell me the news.’
‘Okay, I spoke to Caspar the other day.’
‘What the hell,’ Leanna practically shouts out. ‘How did you not call me to tell me about this?’
She does not look impressed with me for keeping this news to myself.
‘Sorry but he just caught me off guard and I needed time to think and work got busy,’ I try to explain my reasons to Leanna but I’m not sure she is accepting it.
‘When did you see him?’ she wants to know.
‘He turned up at my work,’ I explain. ‘I wasn’t expecting him. Jodie let him wait in my office until I got back from my appointment.’
I pause for a bit. ‘Anyway, he starts saying how well I have done with the business. Then he says that since seeing me in the pub that night, he really wants to meet up so we can talk about what happened.’
‘No way,’ Leanna exclaims, her eyes wide.
‘I was absolutely shaking inside but somehow I managed to stay calm,’ I tell Leanna proudly.
I run through the conversation with Caspar and Leanna stays silent for a couple of minutes. I know she is processing all the information I have just told her.
The waitress brings over our fresh juices, an Apricot Fizz for me and a Melon Medley for Leanna. They look so good and I don’t waste a second to take a sip.
‘Mmm that is so good,’ I take another sip from my straw. ‘I am so going to get addicted to these.’
Leanna tries her drink. ‘Oh my god, these are lush. So are you going to meet up with him?’
‘I don’t know. Part of me is dying to hear what he has to say but part of me says don’t do it. So I’m stuck at the moment.’
‘Right let’s break this down,’ Leanna is getting into serious mode now and she means business.
‘Okay,’ I say as I take another big gulp of my drink. I can’t stop drinking my Apricot Fizz. How have I been living without this drink all my life?
‘You did really well to stay calm and in control,’ Leanna gives me the thumbs up. ‘That’s definitely playing it cool and uninterested.’
‘Thanks.’
‘But you have been suffering from internal emotional turmoil since and it’s been making you anxious and distracted. It’s not good for your health.’
‘I know but I can’t help it.’
‘Well you can,’ Leanna is accepting no excuses.
‘How?’ I am interested in hearing Leanna’s solution as she is making it sound so easy.
‘You need to take hold of this situation and confront it. It’s been years and it’s still having this massive effect on you. It has to stop now.’
‘But I don’t know if I want to see him,’ I can hear myself getting all whingy. I hate this side of me and luckily it doesn’t come out too often.
‘Sammi, get yourself together,’ Leanna orders me. ‘What are you so afraid of? This situation with Caspar has affected you for 8 years. You’ll never move on with your life until you get the answers you need.’
‘And also realise that Caspar Danes isn’t the god you make him out to be,’ she adds in for good measure.
‘It hasn’t affected me for 8 years,’ I protest. ‘It’s only since he’s been back.’
‘That’s not true Sammi,’ Leanna’s tone is softer and she looks concerned. A look that I have been getting from my friends way too often lately.
‘I’ve been in other relationships since Caspar,’ I insist.
‘Yeah you have but look where they have gone,’ Leanna stops to take a sip of her drink. ‘Absolutely nowhere.’
‘That’s a bit harsh Leanna.’
Leanna is determined to get her point across. ‘And the reason why is that you haven’t ever truly gotten over Caspar. You’ve always had your barriers up and none of those guys ever had a chance to move things further with you.’
‘Maybe they weren’t right for me,’ I argue back.
‘No you never fully gave any of your relationships a proper go. Believe me I know.’
‘What do you mean by that?’ I ask.
‘Jamie used to talk to me. He was absolutely smitten with you and he really wanted to make things work with you.’
‘Really?’ I think back to my time with Jamie which was a few years ago. I can’t say I was aware that he was that into me. God, maybe Leanna is right.
‘Look I’m not saying all this stuff to be horrible. I am trying to help you. You know I’ll always have your back. I’ve lived through your relationship with Caspar. I was there from the start and you fell hard. He never really gave you full commitment but you were always just so grateful for any time he gave you.’
‘But we did have a connection, we really did.’
‘I’m not saying you didn’t Sammi,’ Leanna sounds a bit exasperated with me. ‘Caspar has some great qualities. I hung around with him too, obviously he did like you and I saw what you had together.’
‘Well there you go.’
‘But I think he still has a hold on you because he never fully committed to you. You liked the chase. Then he went and ghosted you.’
There it is. That word. Ghosted ….. describing someone’s actions of dumping you without a word.
‘Ghosted,’ I repeat quietly.
‘Yeah ghosted,’ Leanna looks at me.
‘It’s just that I’ve been hearing that word a lot recently.’
‘Probably because there are loads of idiots out there who do it,’ Leanna sneers.
‘I know that, but I mean it’s not a new thing. I was just wondering when it became a thing that needs a trendy name.’
‘Well yeah, it’s always been a thing,’ agrees Leanna
‘Now you hear all about ghosting. Since when has ghosting become a thing?’
‘I dunno. Internet, bloggers, Social media I guess.’
‘Cause I’ve been thinking about it a lot and reading up on it. Usually people get ghosted early on in a relationship.’
Leanna looks a bit confused.
‘I mean most of the time, ghosting happens early on, before people become official. You know, someone goes on a date or maybe they’ve even dated each other for a few weeks. Then they realise they don’t like them. It’s awkward so they ghost them instead of having to deal with dumping them.’
‘Okay but what is your point?’ Leanna frowns at me.
‘Most people only ghost someone when they have been together for a short time. So they haven’t got a strong emotional connection. When they want to end things they run off so they can avoid the awkwardness. A person that ghosts is a coward.’
‘I still don’t
see what you are getting at?’
‘Well I was ghosted in the worst way because it wasn’t like Caspar and I had only known each other for five minutes. We knew each other a long time. But he didn’t feel like I deserved an explanation for why he left. I obviously didn’t mean much to him as he couldn’t be bothered to do the decent thing and break up with me. It makes the whole thing even worse.’
‘Or he is a massive douchebag who only cares about himself,’ interjects Leanna.
‘Well whatever the reason is, I am scared to find out because it’s probably something I did or he thinks I’m hideous.’
‘That’s ridiculous Sammi! Anyway he said there was some big family thing that went down that night.’ Leanna reminds me.
Our waitress sets our plates in front of us. The food smells delicious.
‘So I don’t see how that has anything to do with you being so horrible that Caspar was ashamed or embarrassed to be with you.’
‘I know but it just doesn’t make sense, I mean we talked about everything. Caspar used to tell me everything he was feeling and I did the same. I don’t know what could have been so bad that he couldn’t have told me.’
‘True, I don’t get that either. But we are going round in circles here and this is exactly my point. You need to meet up with him and find out once and for all.’
‘I know, I have been burying my head in the sand but I’m scared.’
‘I think living in limbo like this with no closure is worse than knowing the truth,’ she points out.
I had never thought of it like that.
‘You could always write down the top worse things that he could say and then mentally prepare yourself. I reckon that would help,’ Leanna suggests.
‘Okay Dr. Leanna,’ I laugh at her. ‘Maybe you should start a new business selling self-help books.’
‘I might just do that,’ Leanna scrunches up her napkin and chucks it at me.
We finish our brunch off with another juice. An Apricot Fizz for me, of course. I’m addicted to them. Leanna gives me a hug and we arrange to meet up next week for lunch.
I head back home thinking hard about what Leanna has said. I need to clear my head. I should really write down what I am feeling. Everyone keeps telling me it’s a great form of therapy. I pull out a new notepad from my desk.
Ghosted: Wicked Wedding Planners Series Page 11
