Kevin, finally able to breathe, noticed the scent of baby powder pervading the air. Jackson and Parker smiled wildly. They were squirting the powder bottle into the air and running under the white mist as it fell toward the ground. Where had the powder come from anyway?
The two miscreants must have gotten the powder from inside the changing table as Kevin worked with Kitty. Kevin shook his head. This must have been why the doors were locked. This was just great. Another mess to clean up. It would have to wait. At least this one could be hidden for a while. And besides, the powder did have the added advantage of making the room smell a lot better.
Kevin took the powder from the boys, causing them to whine. Placing the bottle back in the changing table, he relocked the doors. He gave the kids a final once over and stepped over the gate into the hallway. Heading back to the living room, he stopped short when the phone rang.
“Hello?” he asked hesitantly. This stupid phone upstairs didn’t have caller ID. Why hadn’t he changed this before now?
“Yes, hello. Mr. Smith, this is Ronald with Global Mental Health. How are you today?”
“Hmm, fine.”
“Well, I’m calling because we need your help.”
“Really?”
“Oh yes, really. We’re calling everyone in your local area because we need your help to bring Mental Health to your community. With your small gift of twenty-five, fifty, or even seventy-five dollars, your community could be on its way to a healthier mental state. Can we count on your support?”
Kevin snickered. At this point, he could use some extra mental health. Perhaps if they were building a new asylum, a donation of seventy-five bucks would buy him his own brick. Shaking his head and getting another whiff of powder, he answered, “I don’t think so. But thanks for calling.”
But the man on the line wasn’t going to give up so easily.
“Mr. Smith, what if I send you a commitment form? If you change your mind then you can mail us a donation? I can put, umm, twenty-five dollars on there. You’ll have two weeks in which to send it in.”
“No, I don’t think I’m interested. Thank you.”
“But are you sure? I mean one of these days you might have mental health concerns and you may look back on this and say, ‘Why was I so stingy with my money?’ Why don’t you just allow me to send the form and then you can look it over and decide?”
Kevin didn’t have time to argue. He’d been nice. He’d told the telemarketer he wasn’t interested. He’d even thanked the guy! At this moment in time, “Ronald” was lucky he hadn’t been cussed out. But still, on and on the man went, trying to secure a donation. Maybe if Kevin gave a list of all the contributions he already made then the telemarketer would leave him alone. But he knew the man didn’t care. The guy was only concerned with getting money for his charity. So Kevin did the only thing he could do. He hung up.
Sighing with relief, Kevin headed downstairs. But before he took one step away from the phone it rang again. Grabbing the receiver and thrusting it to up to his ear, “I told you I’m not interested.”
“Excuse me? Am I interrupting something?”
“Oh, Jerry. It’s you. I’m sorry. I had to hang up on a telemarketer and I thought they were calling back. What can I do for you?”
“When we came over for the barbeque the other day and I brought the dessert, well, I think I left my dish there. I was wondering if I could come over and get it.”
“Now?”
“Yeah, now. I mean if it’s not a problem. Miriam is asking for it and I was going to be out so I thought I would swing by and get it.”
“Jerry, can it wait? I mean this is not a good time.” Kevin ran his hand through his hair and glanced down over the stair railing. The living room below was an utter disaster. The kids’ room still held the lingering odor of powder. And if the mess wasn’t enough reason for Jerry to stay away then the mere presence of the children should be.
“So I can’t come?”
“I would prefer we do it another day. If Miriam doesn’t mind waiting.”
“I guess so.”
“Hey, Jerry, while I have you on the phone. Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“This is going to be kind of weird. But let’s just suppose now, I mean just hypothetically, I was to get married. Do you think I would make a decent husband?”
The line went silent. All Kevin could hear was the giggling laughter of three kids behind him. But Jerry wasn’t speaking. Why wasn’t he answering Kevin’s question?
“Well Jerry, would I?”
“Kevin, I don’t know if I’m the best one to ask.”
“Why not? You’re the only friend I have who’s married. You’re the only one who knows what’s required. You should know better than anyone if I would be a good husband or not. I would think this question would have a simple answer. ‘Sure, friend. You would be a great husband.’”
“I’m sorry, Kevin.”
“Sorry for what?”
“Because I am your friend, I won’t lie to you.”
“What’s there to lie about? I’m a great guy. A good catch. Any woman would be lucky to have me. So tell me what a good husband I would be.”
A deep sigh reverberated over the line, and Jerry answered with sorrow in his tone. “Kevin, I can’t tell you that you would be a good husband because I don’t think you would be.”
“What? Why?”
“You’re too selfish.”
Kevin could feel his pulse rising. How could Jerry say such a thing? Especially after all Kevin had gone through these last couple of days with seven women and eleven children driving him half crazy. There wasn’t a selfish bone in his body!
“I’m sorry, Kevin, but you asked. I can’t lie to you. I know you think I want you and Angela to get together. But I don’t. She deserves better.”
Kevin stuttered but no words came out. What was happening? Had everyone in this world gone mad?
“I’ll leave you alone. Don’t worry about the dish; you can keep it.”
With those parting words, Kevin heard the click of the ending phone conversation. Snorting under his breath, he straightened sagging shoulders and swaggered away from the phone. It was okay. Jerry didn’t know what he was saying, that was it. It was just another part of the nightmare Kevin was living.
What an afternoon! Kevin was more ready than ever to put up his feet and relax. The recliner in the living room called to him. A nap was needed. Everything would look better afterwards.
But just when Kevin reached the living room, he was stopped by an incredulous-sounding voice.
“What in the world happened in here? Martha is going to have a fit!”
Chapter Seventeen
Randi walked through the front door with Pierre in tow. She looked around the living room at the muddy mess. With all the wrestling of children, changing diapers, and answering the phone, Kevin had been unable to clean the mess in time.
Great, just great. Now, he was done for. Maybe they would help him?
After Randi’s arrival, Karen stumbled in next, a whistle on her lips. “Boy, are you in trouble,” she said, drawing out the last word.
“So, I take it you guys aren’t going to help me clean up?”
Kevin finished speaking in time to hear the two ladies expel a loud gasp. He spun around to see what had caught their eye. The sight caused him to groan.
Parker and Jackson, who were still covered in mud and powder from earlier, now came into view with a new covering. Feathers! Kevin was at a loss. How had they managed this one? Even if they had a feather pillow at their disposal, how had they gotten it open? He had no idea. However, they had gotten into the feathers, and the wet mud from before had helped to secure the white, soft down to their bodies.
Kevin looked toward the ladies. He waited for them to swoop in and save him, but they stood there and retained their dumbfounded look.
“Hmm, hello? Randi? Karen? What are we going to do?”
Karen looked him directly in the face and said, “We aren’t going to do anything. I have to help Gina with her homework.”
“But she’s five!”
“And I need to help Pierre,” said Randi.
As Kevin stuttered, Karen asked, “Where’s Leah?”
“She’s at the doctor’s office. Dana took her in because she was sick.”
“Where’s Kitty?” asked Randi, with a look of concern.
“I put her in the playroom.”
Karen made a tsking noise under her breath.
“What? What’s wrong with sticking her in the playroom?”
“You’ll see,” Karen said, grabbing Randi and pulling her toward the kitchen.
Kevin ordered the boys to stay put while he went to check on Kitty. Taking the stairs two at a time, he felt his pulse increase with trepidation. When the door opened, tiny hands were behind the little girl’s back, and a mischievous smile graced the small, elfin face.
“Kitty, tell daddy what you’ve got behind your back?”
Kitty shook her head and ran to the corner, burying her head like she was pretending to hide. As he walked toward her, Kevin released a groan. On the wall in marker was drawn a multi-colored rainbow.
“Kitty, did you color the walls?”
Kitty shook her head. When she did so, Kevin noticed a bulge in her cheeks. “What’s in your mouth, honey? Let me see.”
Again Kitty shook her head. Kevin edged closer and grabbed the back of her head, leaning her forward. With his hand out, she opened her little mouth and spit. Allowing Kevin to catch a handful of slobbery marbles! It was a thousand wonders the girl hadn’t choked to death!
“Kitty, that was bad.”
In his opinion, the statement hadn’t been overly forceful. But Kitty disagreed. Crocodile tears welled and poured down her tiny, soft cheeks. A wail of anguish filled the air. He picked her up and cradled her shuddering frame in his arms.
Kevin patted her on the back to try and give comfort. When he did so, another marble flew from her mouth and landed across the room. He was on the verge of scolding her again when he heard a commotion downstairs. Afraid Kitty would harm herself if left alone, he hitched her a little higher on his hip and went back to the living room.
Jackson and Parker were still there, but it wasn’t necessarily a good thing. They were jumping up and down on the tan couch, leaving feathers and powder along with their muddy handprints from before.
He carried Kitty to the kitchen and left her with Karen and Randi. “Watch her,” was all he said, sending them a look that brooked no nonsense before going back to the boys.
Kevin picked them up around the waists like two sacks of potatoes. Their heads and legs dangled underneath his arms, causing them to giggle in delight. He hauled them to the backyard, stripped them completely naked, and threw the feather-covered clothing into the garbage cans. The boys ran around the yard in their birthday suits, squealing in delight as he grabbed the water hose.
Once the sprayer was hooked up, he switched on the water, and blasted them. They ran through the water, in and out. Kevin sprayed the boys until their flesh appeared clean and pink.
“Kevin! What in the world are you doing?” came a shrill voice.
Without turning around, he said, “Oh, Leah. I was just washing the boys.”
“Outside? In the cold?”
“Well they were dirty and…”
Leah grabbed the boys by their now clean hands and brought them back inside as someone else added their own shout. “What in the world…?”
“Oh, great,” Kevin muttered at hearing Martha’s obvious dissatisfaction. He leaned casually against the wooden fence and waited to be chastised.
The scolding began before she was even fully outside. “Kevin! I understand you watched the boys while Leah was at the doctor’s office. What were you doing while they were destroying the living room?”
“Well, you see I was—”
“I don’t want your feeble excuses! Do you realize I have a PTA meeting tonight? There is no way I can clean up this mess before I have to go.”
He rose off of the fence, prepared to defend himself. “But—”
“Kevin, I’m sick of the excuses. Just make sure it gets cleaned up. I don’t have time for this.”
And with those parting words, Martha blew back into the house like a whirlwind, leaving a stuttering Kevin behind.
Chapter Eighteen
That evening was a nightmare. Martha left directly after dinner to go to her PTA meeting. Leah lay down because she was experiencing stomach flu symptoms. Randi was down with a backache. Candace was busy with Rhonda. Which left Karen, Shannon, and Dana to prepare the remaining ten children for bed. Karen, being the only “parent,” became the natural choice for leading the group. The only problem was none of the children respected her and therefore wouldn’t obey her directions.
“Pierre, get your pajamas ready and go take your bath.”
“No.”
“What?”
“I said no. You’re not my momma.”
Karen’s anger bubbled to the surface, causing her face to flush a bright red. “I may not be your mother, but right now, I’m in charge, and you’ll do what I say!”
Pierre stuck out his tongue but still complied. Kevin shook his head in amazement. The kid was brave. He’d give him that.
Next, Karen helped her own child, Gina. Maybe she just needed to have a kid she knew would listen to her before she dove into the others who were waiting.
The entire evening sounded like the Bill Cosby standup comedy routine. Words like go upstairs, go in the bathroom, take off your clothes, get in the tub, use soap, wash your body, don’t forget the water—could be heard. Kevin stayed out of the way. After hours spent cleaning up the living room and the playroom, all he wanted now was to sit back and relax. Perhaps his absence would keep him out of further trouble. But unfortunately, he was wrong.
When Martha entered the house later, she was on the warpath and everyone was in her sights. She didn’t thank him for cleaning the living room. She didn’t look at what had been accomplished. Oh no, all of the work was ignored as she blurted out, “Why do I have to do everything? Karen, where are you?”
A frazzled Karen ran into the room. Hair stood up on end, water dripped from her clothing, clothes sat askew. “I’m right here.”
Sassy hands resting on narrow hips, Martha said, “What’s going on? Look at this mess.”
“Why don’t you ask Kevin? He was the one in charge.”
Martha’s fierce gaze shifted to Kevin. He wasn’t happy with Karen. She’d just thrown him under the bus or perhaps to the wolves! He’d done his fair share. Now, after all his hard work, she was still going to throw it all off on him. He looked at Martha. If she’d held a gun in her hand, he would have been in her crosshairs.
Martha sighed heavily. “Kevin, I understand perhaps you’re not used to helping with the children because we’ve spoiled you, but this is inexcusable.”
“I know but…”
Martha raised her hand, indicating for him to stop talking. “I’ll take care of it.”
And she did. Like a drill sergeant, she took command. “Line up!”
Stomping could be heard above as the children and adults converged on her location. Randi and Leah had gotten out of bed at the sound of Martha’s commanding voice. The adults stood to the side while the eleven children lined up in front of the fireplace. Some of the children’s eyes widened with fear, and a few others held looks of “whatever.”
Fourteen-year-old Rhonda, in particular, didn’t seem to treat the summons seriously. She leaned back against the wall, gum coming in and out, a bubble forming on her lips. It popped and landed on the smirk that graced her teenaged face.
Rhonda’s chewing and chopping got louder and louder as she expressed her disrespect for Martha and the summons. As Martha walked in front of the motley crew, Rhonda blew a huge bubble. But before she could snap it back in her mouth, Martha gra
bbed the bubble in one hand, clapped her hands together, and popped the bubble, causing the other kids to tremble with terror.
“Do I have your attention?”
Ten heads nodded in harmony.
Martha noticed Rhonda’s answer was absent. Turning and staring directly at the disrespectful youth, she asked, “Rhonda, do I have your attention?”
“Yeah, sure. Whatever.”
“Rhonda, in this house we use sir and ma’am, not whatever.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Rhonda said with sarcasm.
Kevin watched Martha’s face become a ruddy color. Hands twisted at her sides. She looked like she was set to rip Rhonda’s head clean off. Rhonda must have noticed Martha’s fury, for in the next instant the teen’s attitude visibly changed to one of fake contrition.
“Now that I have your attention. Raise your hand if you’re ready for bed.”
About half the kids in the line raised their hands. Unfortunately, it was the younger half of the group. “Well, that ruins my plan,” Martha muttered to herself.
Tapping her lip with a finger, Martha said, “Okay, the little kids who are clean will go to bed. Shannon and Dana will be in charge of that. Randi and Karen will help Pierre, Gina, Emma, and Billy get cleaned up and ready. And Candace and I will help Cathy, Rhonda, and Todd to clean up this living room. Now everyone scatter!”
Kevin couldn’t believe what Martha had said. He’d spent all that time cleaning the living room and she still thought it was a mess? Earlier he’d thought she was talking about the kids running wild, or something else being out of place in the house. Not the living room. He’d been so proud of his work and Martha acted like nothing had been done.
Kevin backed out of the way and watched the small mob work. They moved like a well-oiled machine. Within two hours, the house was pristine, the kids were cleaned and in bed, and the women were settling down themselves.
Leah retired early, but the other six women sat outside on the patio sipping iced tea. Kevin was inside the kitchen eavesdropping. His nerves were taut. Why did he get the sudden feeling he was in trouble?
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