by Bijou Hunter
“Yeah, but I do my own thing, man. I’m an independent woman and all that jazz.”
Chuckling at her confidence, I climb on the Harley. Shay stands on the porch and waits until I’m at the corner before she disappears inside the house.
Everyone’s at the backroom of the diner when I arrive. No one pays me any attention as I give my order to the waitress Dee. Before she walks off, I ask, “How much does a pedicure cost?”
“You going metrosexual, Crawford?” she teases, flashing me a big red smile.
“Naw, I like being scruffy. Pax is thinking about getting that permanent eyeliner crap to make his eyes prettier.”
“Oh, he’d look divine,” Dee says, laughing. “So why do you need to know about a pedicure?”
“It’s for a chick I’m banging.”
“You charmer. Well, last time I went with my sister, we paid twenty five for a manicure. I remember seeing it was forty bucks for a manicure and a pedicure. I don’t know if that helps.”
“Yeah, it does.”
Leaving Dee to put in my order, I join the guys in the backroom and sit next to Pax. My brother leans over and whispers, “You missed a lot of clusterfuck shit. Lucky bastard.”
“Need a hug, little man?”
Pax gives me his sad kid expression and nods. I push him away then catch up to the conversation. Before I settle in, everyone is suddenly looking at me and Pax.
Joker scratches his jaw. “Wanda wants proof of death on the fuckers who killed her boy. She also wants to know they suffered worse than Tiny. She deserves vengeance, so you’ll get it for her.”
“I can get it,” Sharpie grunts from a few tables down. “It’s my territory and Tiny was my friend.”
Pax shifts next to me, ready to lose his temper. Joker likely knows what’s coming too.
“It’s the club’s territory,” Joker says. “Tiny died because of the club and the club will crush the fucker who did it.”
“I’m a member of the club, remember?” Sharpie says, slamming his fat hand down on the table.
Everyone tenses as Pax jumps to his feet. I ignore them and eat my eggs.
“You can’t handle this shit,” Pax says and Sharpie stands up to face him.
“I do the head cracking on the west side.”
“Yeah, for storekeepers who don’t pay protection or junkies making a mess near your car. Did you see Tiny? The fucker who did that will destroy you.”
“Ah, but you two are so badass. Right, right. Killing someone ain’t hard, man. Kids can fucking do it.”
“Kids can pull a trigger, but we need info. How you gonna get it when you rage into the place? More likely you’ll lose your temper, fuck him up, and we’ll get nothing.”
Sharpie bangs both hands on the table and glares at Pax. “You’re nothing special. Not even your mama loves you and everyone’s mama loves them.”
Joker knows Pax needs to kick someone’s ass now. My brother won’t jump across the table and make a mess of everyone’s breakfast. Contrary to what people think, Pax isn’t a loose cannon. He just plays one for show.
“Take it to the parking lot,” Joker says, drinking his coffee. “Don’t come back until you’ve sorted out your shit.”
Sharpie moves fast and furious. His round frame is out the door first. Pax strolls casually after him. The fucker even gives me a wink on his way out.
After Pax is gone, Joker looks at me. “Darby says Shay hasn’t been home in days. She’s still alive, right?”
“Dropped her off before coming here.”
Lucky smirks. “Jenn heard from Lupe that you took Shay and Pax out for a double date last night. Next time, bring someone for your brother. It’ll seem less pathetic that way.”
Laughing, I look outside where Pax uses Sharpie’s ponytail to drag him around the parking lot. Whenever Sharpie breaks free, Pax jumps on him and goes slap crazy. I’m surprised he’s playing nice after how grumpy he was this morning. Pax might be maturing, though I doubt it.
“You and Pax burn Paro and who ever else is behind Tiny’s murder,” Joker says. “I don’t care how you do it. Just remember to get some fucked up shit on your phone to make Wanda feel better.”
Nodding, I glance at Pax strutting back into the restaurant. “We’ll get it done and we’ll make a mess.”
Pax sits down and grins. “Sharpie decided he wanted to go home and fix his ponytail.”
The guys around me grin. Even on edge, everyone breathes easier without Trigger around. His absence is only temporary. Joker knows this fact more than anyone, explaining why he remains on edge despite his smiles. Clearly, being the workhouse behind the big man ain’t exactly living the dream.
28
Shay
Tightly Held Fantasies
Darby and Jenn smile at me when I enter the house. They glance knowingly at each other then return to drinking coffee. Leaving them to share their inside joke, I go upstairs and take a shower.
The hot water feels wonderful on my chilled skin, but I hate washing away Ford’s scent. After I get out, I find a clean tee and jeans before sliding his long sleeve shirt over my head. I don’t care if I look like a loser falling for a guy like Ford. The fucker smells great and I miss him and I want to wear his damn shirt.
After putting a load of laundry into the wash, I find Darby and Jenn still talking in the living room.
“Need an ice pack?” Jenn says, throwing her blonde hair back and laughing.
Darby grins. “We were becoming concerned for your safety. Talked to Joker this morning to see if he knew about a shallow grave with your name on it.”
“Why would he kill me?” I ask from the kitchen while pouring a cup of coffee. “I’m amazing.”
They’re laughing when I return and sit in a chair near the front window. Sighing, Darby taps her red nails on the pink coffee cup.
“I’ve never seen one of the Reed boys spend so much time with one girl. Maybe he’s sick.”
“Uh, amazing, remember?” I say, pointing at myself.
“True. I’m just surprised.”
Jenn snorts. “The wise one here is beyond being surprised anymore.”
Grinning, I sip my coffee then eye Jenn. “Why did you tell people I’m Lucky’s kid?”
“Aren’t you?”
“No and you know that.”
“Oh, maybe you are,” Jenn says, waving her hand around. “Who knows? His dick got around before I claimed it.”
Darby sets her coffee cup aside. “People already think you are. This story about you being his kid stops the questions and makes you club family. Solves a lot of problems. Just roll with it.”
“I actually wish I had a dad like Lucky, so the lie works for me.”
“Yeah, he’s a good man,” Jenn says. “You know, despite all his bad habits and annoying qualities.”
“Ain’t love grand?” Darby asks.
“What are your plans today?” Jenn asks me.
“I’m having lunch with a girl I met at work. Ford is picking me up for dinner then taking me to the hotel.”
“Don’t give your heart to him, Shay,” Darby says softly. “Ford won’t keep it safe. No one ever kept his heart safe growing up and he doesn’t know how to treat anyone any better. It’s not his fault he’s not a good man, but it’ll be your fault if you expect him to be one.”
Darby’s words cut into me. Though she’s protecting me and probably right, I want Ford and he wants me. We’ve embraced the fantasy. Now, Darby is selling reality and the truth hurt.
“We’re just having fun,” I say, thinking about how much I miss him. “I’ve never met a guy like Ford and he likes the chase.”
Darby nods then shoots a look at Jenn who also looks unconvinced. “We’re heading to the mall tomorrow. You should come with us and enjoy a girls’ day out.”
“That would be great.”
Jenn studies me. “You only get the one life. Have fun with Ford while you can and don’t worry about the small stuff.”
&nbs
p; My cool exterior must be cracking because I see pity in Jenn’s eyes. Perceptive like my mom never was, she know I’m in too deep with Ford.
29
Ford
Why the Fuck Not?
Pax and I eat greasy burgers at a dive on the west side of Little Memphis. Across the street, Paro and a ginger fuck sporting dreadlocks sit a few tables away from two prostitutes. The pimp frequently throws ice cubes at his girls. Of all the flesh traders in town, Paro’s the least intimidating. This includes the seventeen year old girl pimp who’d easily kick his ass.
“If he’s not the guy, what then?” Pax asks, poking at his soggy fries.
“Oh, I very much doubt he’s the guy. If he was, do you think he’d be goofing around like that when he knows the club wants payback? Paro knows the guy though. The tricky shit will be getting him to talk before he dies of shock from all the beatings he’ll take. The kid is all drama and little brain power.”
“If we go after him or the tattoo face that just got out of the joint, we’ll likely walk into a trap. Maybe that’s why he’s goofing around. Get us to put down our guards, so they can set up their ambush.”
I glance at Paro then focus on my brother. “We need to give them a distraction. Make them think we nailed someone else for Tiny’s killing. Who can we fuck up?”
Pax pushes away his half eaten food. “What about that kiddie pervert that moved back into town a few months ago? He deals meth and I heard Tiny made threats against him. If we kill him, it’ll be no loss to society. It’ll give us a distraction and make Paro’s master think the heat is off him.”
“And people call you stupid.”
“What people?” Pax growls.
“I don’t know. Everyone, I guess. It’s pretty common for people to call you an idiot.”
Pax glares at me. “You better be messing with me.”
I grin. “Only partly.”
Rolling his eyes, Pax is restless. I know he wants to get something else to eat. We toss our half eaten meals and head to the parking lot where the Harleys wait. I know we’re being watched. The west side of Little Memphis can never be really controlled, only managed. Big Dick does his best, but a healthy Trigger made it easier to scare the shit out of the troublemakers.
Back on the east side, Pax and I enjoy decent burgers and fries at the Devil in Disguise. I check my phone and wonder about Shay. Sensing where my head is, Pax grunts.
“I don’t get it. You’re like a schoolgirl in love. Why her, man?”
“Why the fuck not?” I snap. “Why can’t I have a little bit of fucking fun?”
“Does she know it’s only fun?”
“She’s twenty and only moved here a few weeks ago. Yet everyone acts like us spending a little time together means it’s a love match.”
“I guess.”
“It pisses me off,” I mutter. “I live this life and do my job. Maybe I don’t survive until the next week or next month or whatever. I do my shit though and I don’t fucking complain. When I try to have a little fun with a beautiful girl though, it’s the crime of the damn century.”
“It’s not like you can get serious.”
Studying Pax, I think about how our entire lives revolved around expecting nothing. We sure as hell never ended up disappointed that way.
“So you and I never get anything real. We’re stuck fucking Maggie or another club fan girl. Except I want Shay. Considering I might be dead tomorrow, why shouldn’t I get what I want? Of all people, you really shouldn’t give me shit for wanting something nice.”
Pax eats half of his burger without acknowledging me. I ignore him too. We’re the first line of defense against a threat to the club. If we die, will anyone really cry for us?
No, the club will protect itself and the families. No one will really fucking care about us though. Deep inside, I know we never let them care. Pax and I refuse to rely on anyone else. We’re in the club, yet always feel on the outside.
Pax rubs his eyes then taps on the table to get my attention. “I’ve never seen you take a chick into your life like you have with Shay. I figured you were making a mistake by thinking you can have shit we ain’t gonna have. You’re right though. No reason to withhold from yourself.”
I frown at Pax squirting ketchup onto his plate. He looks up at me and shrugs.
“Thing about Shay is she ain’t that bad either. I mean, if I hadn’t thought she was fucking up your life, I might think she was cool. Low drama and she doesn’t freak when I give her shit. She isn’t a chattering bitch either. She chills. I also like how she gives me shit, but not all crazy like, you know?”
“It killed you to say something nice, didn’t it?”
“Yeah, a little part of me died right then. She’s cool though. I don’t have a problem with her, but the idea of you getting wound up on a girl then losing out on her or something. I just had a bad feeling about how things were going. Not her fault. Or yours.”
“We get what we want, but maybe we want too little. We just fucking settle because that’s all we know. When Mom was our mom, she was our mom. When she wasn’t, we accepted that too. I called it adapting, but sometimes I think we just gave up.”
Pax rolls his eyes. “I don’t think I gave up.”
“No, maybe not,” I say, scratching my beard. “I was bored, I think. Sick of girls like Maggie who I don’t like and who don’t like me. Shay is something different and I’m not bored anymore. I don’t see the harm in enjoying her while I can.”
“There’s no harm. You dig her. She digs you. Shouldn’t be more complicated than that.”
Seeing Pax open to the idea of me having feelings, I decide to share as much as I can without turning into a sissy.
“Shay’s different and I don’t want to give her up. When things end, I’ll deal with the consequences. Until then, I’m pretending she’s a keeper.”
“Reality is for suckers,” Pax says with his mouth full of fries. “Embrace the fantasy, man.”
“I plan to. Let’s see if you remember this relaxed mood the next time you see Shay.”
“I’ll try, but I like messing with her. She’s like my little sister and I need to remind her where she exists on the pecking order.”
“Fair enough. I’ll remind you where you exist on the pecking order too. You know, by pounding in your face when you mess with her.”
Pax grins. “Knock yourself out, turd.”
Grinning, I check my phone again and wish Shay texted me to say she was safe. I don’t know why she wouldn’t be, but spending any time on the west side makes me tense. Besides, Creepy Spencer is out there too.
Little Memphis feels ugly and dangerous today. I end up thinking of a thousand bad outcomes to Shay’s silence. Finally, I text her and end the suspense. Yeah, I’m that fucking whipped.
30
Shay
Spell F U C K I N G Doomed
Bebe needs to bring Lula with her to lunch, so we decide to eat at a Burger King with an indoor play area. I’m not a huge fan of little kids and the ones around us are why.
The rowdy little monsters run everywhere while their moms do nothing. The only dad in the restaurant is worse since he’s deeply in love with his phone.
Lula is an angel next to the other kids and sits quietly next to her mom. I almost forget she’s with us sometimes. Though I feel an easy comfort around Bebe, we’re still feeling each other out. All of my friends over the years ditched me when they found boyfriends. Once kids came along, I was definitely past tense. I couldn’t fit in their new family-oriented lifestyles, yet here I was hanging out at a Burger King with Bebe and her four year old.
“How old were you when…?” I ask, gesturing towards Lula playing with the toy from her kid meal.
“Eighteen. For my family, that’s F U C K I N G ancient. My mom had me when she was fourteen, if you can believe that S H I T. My sister came along a year later. Mom gave us to Grandma, but we ended up back with her. I come from a long line of women with a F U C K E D up underst
anding of birth control.”
Grinning, I look at Lula. “My mom was fifteen when she had me. People always called me a mistake, but I don’t feel like one. I feel like a person with a dumb parent. Lots of people with smart parents suck more than me, so screw them for judging.”
Bebe shares my smile. “I wouldn’t say Lula was planned, but I wasn’t exactly losing any F U C K I N G sleep when I turned up pregnant. My only regret is her dad being such a L O S E R.”
Lula looks up when her mother says her name before returning to play with the pink pony.
“Sorry about the spelling thing. I know it’s obnoxious, but I F U C K I N G love cussing. It’s my vice. I tried giving it up, but it’s too much a part of me. No other vice will do. I tried smoking and looked really hot, but it tastes like S H I T and I kept dropping the cigarettes. I figured I might try drinking, but I’m one of those Emo drunks who writes poetry then forces people to listen to it. I never liked F U C K I N G enough to get addicted to it. I tried smoking pot once and lit my D A M N eyelashes on fire. I’m a picky eater so food addict never clicked for me either. Oh, and shopping gets on my nerves and I’m too poor to gamble. What’s left? Not anything worth caring about, so I cuss. It’s my thing, but I don’t want one of those roughneck kids running around say F U C K this and F U C K that at the grocery store. I want a normal respectable kid, so I have to spell every F U C K I N G thing now. It’s a small price to pay to raise Lula right while also getting to cuss. I do know it sounds stupid to everyone. My A S S H O L E ex said I sounded like a F R I G G I N G mental patient.”
“How did he get locked up?” I ask, dipping an onion ring in my zesty sauce.
“Howie ran different rackets,” Bebe says, looking at Lula. “When I moved here, he was really sweet to me. Bought me stuff. Made sure I was always safe and taken care of. I thought he cared about me, but he was F U C K I N G grooming me. He wanted me to work for him like my mom did before she died. Like my sister did before she disappeared. I was a D A M N project, not a person. Then I messed up his plans by getting pregnant. His first plan anyway.”
