by Nancy Jonker
Praise for Get Your POWEROn!
“For any woman wanting to grow into her personal power, this book is a must. The author has years of personal and professional experience and it shines through in her work. [Get Your Power On! has] practical, realistic, grounded and compassionate advice [for] all areas of life. This is the kind of book any young woman needs and will be helpful for those older as well. Highly recommended.”
- Jeanette Martin, author of Write Your Book at Fifty: A Call to Women – Discover Your Voice. Open New Doors. Create Your Legacy.
“Power has been a dirty word for women for a long time. I love how this book reclaims what personal power is all about, and then tells women what it takes to get it in their life. Nancy Jonker shares her own personal experiences, as well as those of women she has worked with, to write a book that is practical, as well as an easy read.”
- Rivka Kawano, author and speaker
“Dr. Jonker has written a very useful and insightful book--one that I plan to use in my own therapy practice, and as a bonus, she has also written a very useful companion workbook. The book itself is an interesting and easy read--chock full of concepts that resonate with anyone who wants to improve their capacity to "own" their personal worth. The workbook extends the usefulness of the book into applicable lessons and opportunities to use the information in highly personal ways. Cheers to you, Dr. Jonker, your readers will feel your spirit and enthusiasm for your subject leap from the book into their own lives!”
- Dr. Susan Cain, author of Horse Sense for Leaders: Building Trust-Based Relationships and co-founder of The Corporate Learning Institute
“I found this book insightful and straightforward. The day after I read it, I was haunted by the chapter on boundaries. Of all the work I have done on myself, I had never looked at boundaries the way Ms. Jonker described it. Something became very clear to me. I could see a pattern in myself that had up until then, remained hidden. I made some real changes in how I relate to women that I had perceived as a threat. It's liberating to not have to operate like that anymore. I have less fear. I've never had the experience of reading a book, seeing something new, knowing what to do, doing it and have a real change happen.”
- Mary Sheehan, RPh, founder of Prescriptions for Happiness
Get Your POWEROn!
A Woman’s Guide to Becoming Confident and Effective in Business, Life, and Relationships
Nancy Jonker, PhD
Get Your Power On! A Women’s Guide to Becoming Confident and Effective in Business, Life and Relationships
Copyright © 2016 Nancy Jonker
Published by Dr Nancy Jonker Publishing
www.nancyjonker.com
ISBN: 978-0692702024
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Kindle Version
to Bob, Jon and Ben—
for filling me with wonder, life and love;
for challenging me to deepen my personal power;
and for teaching me the art of loving and letting go
and
to my sisters everywhere—
for sharing with me your stories, your challenges, and your courage.
It is our shared journey that spurred and informed the writing of this book.
Now, let’s get our power on!
When we do the best we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.
—Helen Keller
Invitation from the Author
This book is a roadmap for women who want to increase their confidence, expand their competence and create more success at work and at home. Get Your POWER On! provides practical strategies to learn the skills you need to get those promotions and raises, be a more effective leader, improve your relationships and enjoy your life more!
Visit http://www.NancyJonker.com/GetYourPowerOnIntro
to get my personalized introduction to this book.
Contents
1. What Does Personal Power Look Like?
2. What Is Personal Power? Identifying the 7 Dimensions
The 7 Dimensions and You
3. Five Limiting Beliefs, Plus Two Destructive Beliefs
4. Building the Bridge between Head and Heart
Boundaries and Bodily Cues—An Exercise
Taking Inventory: A Slow Journey Through the Body
5. Centering—Getting Clear about Who You Are
Centering with the Breath
A Centering Exercise Using Visualization
The Decision Grid
Consulting a Trusted Friend
6. Grounding—Staying Clear about Who You Are
Modified Mountain Pose
Eyes, Hands, and Feet Grounding Pose
Jumping
High Power Poses
Recovery from Deflation Practice
Permission Practice
7. Boundaries—Honoring Who You Are
The Developmental Boundary Exercise
Identifying Your Boundary Style
Playing with Oppositions
8. My POWER Formula—How to Increase Your Personal Power
Your Turn with the 25’s Top 3
StrengthsFinder 2.0 Profile
Kolbe Index
9. Pulling It All Together—Time To Get Your Power On!
The 7 Dimensions and You, Revisited
Acknowledgements
References
About the Author
Resources
Join the Community
Download the Complimentary Workbook!
Download some FREE tools to help you get started at www.NancyJonker.com/Resources.
In the complimentary workbook, you’ll find practices, exercises, and reflective writing prompts compiled in an easy-to-follow format to support you on your journey to a more empowered self.
Also download my free audio exercises: Centering Using Visualization and Building the Bridge Between Head and Heart.
Enjoy!
Chapter 1
What Does Personal Power Look Like?
One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.
—Simone de Beauvoir
No one has to think twice about their answer to the question, “Does Oprah have personal power?” Even without defining personal power, it is understood that Oprah possesses it. But when it comes to everyone else, it isn’t always so clear. How do you know when you have it? How do you even start thinking about it?
Before anything else, it’s useful to consider why anyone would bother worrying about personal power—whether we have it and how to build it. The answer is that when we have it, there is a multitude of benefits that flow to us—much like when we have physical strength, we are able to carry, lift, function, and move effectively and in a balanced way. We are less prone to injury when we’re physically strong and can use our muscles in the proper way.
But again, when we have strength without flexibility, we are susceptible to injury. One of the hardest things for trainers and physical fitness instructors to get people to do is to stretch after they exercise! Everyone wants to develop the muscle and burn the fat, but, without continually maintaining and expanding our range of motion, we become limited by the constricted muscles we’ve worked so hard to develop.
And so it is with personal power—it’s a careful balance of mastery and vulnerability. It’s tempting to focus on developing strength without the accompanying flexibility and softness. Or maybe for you, it’s tempting to resign yourself to living a life without the power and confidence you’d like.
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br /> This book is a call to not give in to either of these temptations, but to develop the kind of personal power that includes all of who you are. The world needs powerful leaders who can embrace strength as well as softness. The world needs your powerful self.
Advantages of Personal Power and the Art of Being Fully Yourself
When you have a high level of personal power, you are able to maintain healthy relationships without losing yourself. You have self-respect, which is both a source of personal power and a result of it. With personal power, you are more likely to get paid what you’re worth and to have the impact you desire—in your relationships, in your work environment, in your community, and so on. Exercising personal power can shift you from a feeling of depletion to having energy for those people and tasks you love, from overwhelmed to clear, and from rumination to satisfaction.
By now, you should be saying to yourself, “I want more of that!”
As you already know, personal power isn’t something you either have or don’t have. You possess levels of power on a continuum, and, often, the amount that you have and display is not consistent across all areas of life.
For instance, you may function with a high degree of personal power at work where you have your role and a title to support you but have a much lower level of power at home and in your personal life where different rules seem to apply. When you’re with a partner, kids, friends, or people in your community, it can be hard to set personal boundaries and to put your needs on a par with the needs of those you love. Different environmental factors as well as different emotional and connection factors affect how much personal power we have and are willing to exercise in these different arenas.
How a Lack of Personal Power May Look
So let’s take a look at what life looks and feels like when we do not have or use personal power. My experience, both in my own life and in working with clients, is that there are telltale signs when we lack personal power.
Feelings of one or more of these: panic, vulnerability, fear, and feeling overwhelmed are relatively constant companions. Effects on our thinking are also signs—effects such as being scattered to the point we can’t concentrate, ruminating, and continually worrying.
Lack of personal power shows up in physical ways through exhaustion, playing small, being ineffective, having others ignore us, or not being able to accomplish tasks despite being busy all the time.
Sometimes this lack of personal power shows up in self-doubt that keeps us from taking action. We decide we don’t have what it takes and so don’t even try. The research actually shows this to be true for a lot of women, as reported in multiple studies in Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In. We judge ourselves as less capable than we are and decide not to go after things for which, in reality, we are fully qualified.
Lack of personal power also shows up in relationships when we feel underappreciated, like our voice is not heard or we become resigned because it doesn’t pay off to raise conflicts or disagree. We either find ourselves in nitpicky fights that seem unresolvable or we live a life less fully ourselves, so we can accommodate a strong partner.
Sometimes we find ourselves without a relationship because we haven’t found a way to be all of who we are and with a significant other at the same time.
The Other Side: A High Degree of Personal Power
In contrast, when you function with a high degree of personal power across the different arenas, you manifest competence in a wide variety of roles, including partner, parent, business person, entrepreneur, manager, or CEO.
You have a sense of empowerment that you bring to virtually every situation you’re in, and you derive satisfaction from your efforts. You have efficacy, both internally and in the accomplishment of tasks.
When you have a high degree of personal power, there is an expansiveness about you, and you are willing to take risks. You have the capacity for close, satisfying relationships in which you can be transparent, can bring up conflict, and expect resolution.
When you make a decision as a parent, your children or step-children listen and know it is for real. You have an impact on the world around you, and it does not scare you—in fact, it gratifies you!
If this sounds too good to be true, I get it.
When we’re committed to our own growth, we continue to see areas where we can improve and stretch into having and integrating more personal power. When we’re constantly working at our edge, we continue to feel the effects of stretching and getting out of our comfort zone.
So, take heart. Feeling the discomfort and aliveness of leaving your comfort zone is a sign you’re on the right track—even when it doesn’t seem like it.
Carl Jung said, “Where your fear is, there is your task.”
My Story
When I was in high school, I remember being awakened to the idea of wanting personal power, except I didn’t call it that back then. I decided I wanted to be independent and strong. I didn’t know how to accomplish this, so I set about trying to act like I was.
As my life unfolded, I pursued a PhD, married a high-powered man, and made decisions about how to spend my time, so I would appear independent. I did this pretty well and had a number of people fooled.
There were two incidents in my young adult life that brought me up short. Of course, before these happened, I had this nagging sense of unease, a doubt really that I was not the independent woman I presented myself to be. But after these two events happened, I was confident in my need for developing true personal power.
One: Frozen
The first event was during my first year in graduate school. I was in my early twenties and money was tight. I was sharing a one-bedroom apartment in the lower-income part of town with a friend and classmate when our apartment was broken into. It was in the early morning around 5:30 am.
My sleep was interrupted with the sound of loud banging. Like anyone who is trying to sleep, I incorporated the sounds into a dream. I dreamed that the neighbors upstairs were putting furniture together and pounding as they went. It wasn’t until my roommate woke up and asked me in an urgent whisper what was going on that I realized there was an intruder in our apartment.
By that time, the intruder had gone from banging the metal cover of the air-conditioning vent back into place to opening and closing cabinet and closet doors. OMG! He was right outside the bedroom door. Next, I saw his gloved hand on the doorknob as he opened the door to the bedroom. My roommate sat bolt upright in bed! And I froze in place.
Fortunately for us, we must have surprised him as much as he surprised us. The black-gloved, male intruder fled our apartment, and we were safe. But not from anything I had done!
What bothered me most about this experience—in addition to feeling violated and intruded upon—was the fact that I froze. It was the most blatant experience I had up to that time which suggested to me I was not a strong, independent woman, but rather a scared woman who, when push came to shove, would freeze in her bed rather than fight or escape.
Two: Paralyzed
The second experience I had was far more subtle but nonetheless powerful. As a young professional, I got called in by the office manager to talk about something I had done. I had recently graduated with my PhD, was working at a local hospital, but didn’t know the ins and outs of private practice.
I must have done something to cross her, and she called me in to talk about it. Now, this woman was far less educated than I, she was very short in stature, and she was not, in reality, a powerful or scary person. But she had a very sharp tongue and didn’t mind using it. She dressed me down for whatever it was I had done. I don’t remember what it was—but I do remember becoming paralyzed—absolutely unable to say anything in my defense. It was like being a kid called into the principal’s office!
It was a sad realization for me that having a high degree of education, in psychology no less, did not translate into having more personal power. It didn’t translate power into my personal life, but it also didn’t help me in the wo
rk arena. It hit home for me that in order to develop the capacity in myself that I so longed for, I needed to dig deep and do my own personal work.
Wanting Isn’t Enough
Wanting something isn’t enough. Saying we are something isn’t enough. We absolutely have to develop it. And, it turns out, we have to keep developing ourselves throughout our lives because our challenges change and we continually want to maintain and expand our full range of being.
This book is a resource that I would have liked when I was in my teens and twenties. Though I found some role models of women who displayed personal power, there was no roadmap for how to develop it in myself. Emulating what I saw in them only got me so far.
And I know from my work with women of all ages, we do not automatically develop personal power as we age and mature. I know women in their thirties, forties, and fifties who are still struggling to trust themselves, to use personal power at work and in their relationships, to be authentic and transparent without evaluating themselves as weak.
This book is that roadmap.
As a lifelong student of human psychology and a body-oriented therapist for more than two decades, I’ve amassed multiple holistic strategies that will enable you to grow your power and have a greater impact in the world. Reflective journaling, body position practices, decision-making analysis, and body awareness inventories are among the strategies I guide you through to support you on your journey to achieving power.
You may want to invest in a journal, or, I provide all the above-mentioned strategies in a single, complimentary workbook that you can download for free by clicking here. The workbook provides a succinct space for you to easily locate the strategies I recommend and for you to create a compilation of your journey that you can return to for years to come.
