by Amy Brent
“She’s talking to Mom,” Rayna said as he stood a few feet in front of her and glanced down that hallway furtively. “Sit down, Deck. I need to talk to you.”
He moved to the chair a couple spots away from her as Rory sat down across from them. “What?” Dread filled his heart as he waited to hear what she had to say and Declan pressed his lips together.
“Well, clearly she’s really upset. This is all hitting her very hard.” Rayna started as she worried her hands together in a knot. “She…she wants to come to my house when she’s released from the hospital, Deck.” He stared forward as the fact that she’d never truly moved in settled uncomfortably in his stomach.
“She doesn’t want me anymore?” Rayna wiped a tear away at his words and her mouth opened and closed.
“I don’t think it’s that. She doesn’t want to burden you since you have school and the team…my mom is home all day. She can take care of her for a while.” Rayna made excuses as Declan stared forward with narrowed eyes and felt his heart drop. “She’ll come to her senses but she’s devastated right now.”
“Can I see her? Does she want to see me?” Declan asked as he felt Rayna’s eyes on him.
“Of course. She’ll be done with Mom soon and you can go right in.” Rayna replied as he pressed his feet into the ground firmly. Rory moved beside him but Declan was only focused on the fact that she wasn’t coming home to him. It resonated in his brain as his head started to pound and he closed his eyes tightly. “Don’t worry. She just takes things really hard. She’ll be fine.”
“I don’t think she’s faced this before. I am not all that reassured.” Declan told her as he started to massage his temples hard as if to increase the pain.
“Deck. You’re here.” Mary said as he blinked and looked at her. “Are you okay? You look tired.”
“I’m fine. Just a bit restless.” Declan shot a look at Rory to tell him to shut up as his best friend looked back at him in disbelief. The last thing Mallory’s family needed to know was that he was drinking himself into a coma. “How is she?”
“Sore. Heartbroken.” Mary glanced at Rayna to see her give a small nod. “Oh. So you know?”
“Yes, I know that she’s not planning on coming to my house.” Declan replied bitterly as Rory winced. “Should I go to see her or does she want to skip over that as well?”
“Deck. Stop this.” Rory shot out as decline gave him a weary look.
“Declan, she’s a mom that just lost her baby. She’s really upset and just needs some time.” Mary assured him as she stepped forward slowly.
“I’m a dad that lost my baby too. Oddly enough, I’m pretty upset too and I thought we’d work through it together.” Declan said as he stared boldly into her pale face. “I didn’t think she’d run from this.”
“I’m sorry. It’s what she learned after her parents passed due to her family.” Mary admitted as she sat down and swiped her thumb across her cheek to catch a tear. “I tried to convince her but she’s just…not all here.”
“I am going in just to look at her and hold her hand. I need to see her and then I’ll leave.” Declan decided out loud as he stood and walked away from the group. The walls seemed to close in on him as he continued down the hallway to her room blindly. There were people passing him but Declan didn’t stop until he was pressing his hand against the door softly. He rapped softly on the door and heard her soft voice saying to come in before he pushed it open. “Mal.”
She was frail and pale in the bed as she rested against the pillows gently. “Deck.” A tear slid down her cheek and she looked towards the window sadly. “I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” He asked her weakly as he sat down beside her and stared closely into her face.
“I lost her.” Her voice was so small and he reached out and took her hand as it remained limp in his grip. “I was supposed to protect her.”
“You did nothing wrong. He did.” Declan felt tears in his eyes again as he saw the remaining wreckage from the accident spread out in front of him. “He’s the one that hit you. He’s the one that took everything.” He clutched her hand as he rested his head against the pink blanket. “I could’ve been driving. That way I would be here and the two of you would be okay.” He felt her hand shake and took a deep breath. “Do you remember everything from when you got here?”
“Now I do. It took me a minute once I figured out why I was here.” She started to cry. Declan raised his head and moved closer to her to stroke her tangled hair. “She was beautiful, wasn’t she?”
“She looked so much like you.” He whispered brokenly as they cried together for a moment before he pressed his lips to hers softly. “Please come home with me. I need you, baby.”
“I just need some time. You’re so busy and Mary just works part time from the house. It’ll be easier.” She tried to reason with him as he breathed her in for a moment.
“Is that the only reason?” Declan pressed as he heard her let out a sob. “I love you. What happened doesn’t change that.”
“I’m lost right now. I just need…I don’t know what I need.” Mallory admitted as he pulled away slowly. His eyes never left hers, watery and red, but she looked out of the window again.
“Are we over?” Declan asked her as she pressed her dry lips together.
“I am just stuck. I don’t know.” Mallory found a new way to say it and he stood and walked towards the door as the pain filled him and started to break him down.
“Don’t let this simmer. See the doctor they recommended and find a way back to me.” Declan told her before he headed into the hallway and looked left and right. He just wanted to leave but Rory had brought him here. He decided to go back to the waiting room and all three looked up at him curiously when he stood near Rory. “I’m ready.”
“Deck? Did you talk to her?” Mary asked him as she stood up to prevent him from leaving. She grabbed his arm and stared at him until he met her gaze with his red eyes. “She needs you, honey. She just doesn’t know it yet. I’ll keep her safe and you come and see her.”
“We’ll see.” Rayna sank back into her chair as she cried and he shook his head at her when he was finished hugging her mom. “You threatened me for her, Ray. Don’t let her sink.”
“No way. She’ll be back.” Rayna’ s voice was shaking and Declan pressed his lips together before he glanced at Rory.
“Let’s go.” They walked to the car and Rory drove to their favorite diner in an unspoken agreement. Declan had been in a hurry to get to the hospital and they’d skipped any food before leaving the house.
Rory waited until they were seated at a table with coffee before he looked closely at his friend. “What happened in there?”
“She says that she needs time.” Declan responded as he shrugged. “She’s just void and she didn’t respond to me at all. Mallory isn’t here right now.”
“Mary had a good point, Deck.” Rory started to say before Declan stared at him.
“Again, we both lost our child. I want to get through it together but that’s not going to happen right now.” Declan said sadly before he sipped his coffee.
“Did she end it with you?” Rory asked and Declan frowned.
“Not in so many words. She’s just gone right now.” Declan explained as Rory shook his head. “I’ll wait for her. I have nothing else that I could do right now.”
“You guys had it all. She’ll be back.” Declan shrugged and glanced up as their waitress brought their food to the table. The guys ate and moved on to other topics such as rugby and school but Declan was clearly still focused on Mallory as he tried to move forward.
Rory dropped Declan off to get his car and they went to the gym to work out. Hangover or not, Declan had to work out his feelings right now or else he felt like he was going to break in half. He worked hard on his arms and legs for over an hour and thought about the game since he was now playing again as opposed to coaching. They’d replaced their lost coach with a man that had the experience and
the skills to do the job but it hurt all of them to see a new face there. Declan took over again as a strong lead player though right now he sipped his water and wondered if he could even do this.
He dreamed of coach every night after the baby died, mixing the tragedies together in one horrifying sequence that woke him up in a cold sweat.
CHAPTER 4
Declan glanced over the field as he trampled with his team to start the game the weekend after everything had happened. He’d been practicing hard and on the outside, he looked like he was in top shape and ready. He faked enthusiasm for everyone all of the time and was into the sport again. On the inside, he was broken and alone but he used that in the game and played rougher than he ever had before. Coach Mike and Coach Ken pushed him as they watched him closely since Mike knew what he was going through. He hated to see something else happening like this but Declan had assured him that he was fine to play. He told him that he needed to. They went with that and Declan tried to accept Ken as best he could through the pain of what had happened to the former man in his shoes and the emotions that he struggled with.
The team kept their victories going and Declan tried to keep his mind on school as the weeks passed. He’d tried to talk to Mallory a few times since she’d left the hospital but it was always awkward and hard. She wasn’t ready to move on but Mallory wouldn’t let her grief set in with him yet. She was trying to be strong and he begged at the end of the last conversation to just feel something about this. They ended up in an argument and Declan had thrown his phone across the room before he took off to the bar for a few drinks.
He didn’t see Mallory at school and the rumor was that she was taking a break for a while. Though her injuries weren’t nearly as serious as they could have been, Mallory had some healing to still do inside and out. He spoke with Rayna when he saw her and also kept in touch with Mary to know what was going on.
Mallory was healing as she should be physically after a couple of months, but he had been told that she wasn’t sleeping well at night and still traumatized from the stillbirth. Mary was doing her best to get Mallory to see someone to talk to but was meeting a lot of resistance along the way. It sounded like she just slept through the day, though restlessly and claimed that she was recovering when Mary tried to force her up to do anything. The pained look on Rayna’s face whenever they ran into each other at school ripped him apart and Declan found himself needing to escape the pain that he wasn’t allowing himself to give into. He knew that his grandparents were there to support him but he’d never showed weakness to them before and he wouldn’t now.
The bar became a regular routine for him when he wasn’t studying or playing and Declan found solace in the alcohol. He had been a regular there before and it was easy to slip back into the old routine with those friends. They were separate from school and even Mallory since she hadn’t really been there a lot. Bars weren’t her scene and Declan had traded it for restaurants and dates happily as he settled into the relationship.
Now he was alone and the whiskey was flowing as the music played loudly over the speakers. Declan laughed as he bent over to shoot a pool ball into the corner pocket, careful not to fall on the ground. “Fuck, I’m wasted.” Nights were long and lonely and he filled the time there so he wouldn’t think too much about things. Merry moved beside him as he shot and missed and he stumbled against her. “Sorry.”
“It’s nice to see you back around.” He looked into her pretty face and squinted his eyes to see her better, but she’d never be Mallory. Even still, they’d had a good enough little fling well before he’d met Mallory and his mind started to wander slowly as he took in her deep blue eyes and long brown hair.
“I don’t want to be home.” That was all he ever said about things and everyone had learned to not ask or talk about the rumors that had been all over the bar. He watched as she covered the rough skin of his hand with her own pale soft one and looked down.
“I am so sorry for what happened.” She seemed sincere as far as her low voice but the way she was caressing his arm made him pull away uncomfortably. He hadn’t slept with anyone since Mallory but his body was craving sex much more than his heart. Jacking off alone wasn’t satisfying him and he only ended up feeling a lot lonelier at the end of the day.
“Thanks.” Declan told her shortly as he turned to walk towards the bar. He knew Merry’s body well and she could make him feel good, if only for a night. She’d fuck and leave without a problem since he couldn’t stand the idea of someone sleeping in what he considered Mallory’s spot in his bed. He was so torn as he checked his phone and ordered another drink. There was just a text from Rory to see what he was up to and he slipped it back into the pocket of his worn jeans. Declan knew that his friend was worried about him but he was fine.
At least on the outside, he was fine. He missed Mallory more than he ever thought was possible apart from the feelings he’d had for his parents when they’d been so distant with him. That had ripped him apart as a child and Declan had vowed to never let anyone in again after that, until Mallory. She had gotten to every part of him and his body physically ached for her as his heart broke all over again.
He headed home alone that night after he’d summoned a cab with his phone despite Merry’s heavy eyes across the bar. Keagan had given up telling her to leave Declan alone since it had been a few months and he was a grown man. He’d do what he wanted to do but Keagan had seen their fallout and it was rough. Meredith could get jealous and bitchy once she had a man in her grips. Declan unlocked his door and walked inside to just look around the empty rooms as he missed Mallory’s laughter and her warmth in the house. It was so empty now and he just grabbed some water from the kitchen and headed right to his room to go to bed for a few hours. Declan stripped before he slipped under the messy covers and loosened his growing hair from the band.
There was a faint scent of her still in the room and he rolled to that side to inhale deeply as he pushed away the voice telling him to wash the damn sheets. He didn’t want to. It was all that he had of her in his life and Declan wrapped his arms around Mallory’s old pillow and started to cry. God, he missed her.
The next day was rough and Rory eyed him as he took a seat in their shared English class. “Late night?”
“Yeah, I had a few drinks at the bar.” Declan replied while he grabbed the coffee cup he’d brought with him. He took a long sip and appreciated the liquid heat down his throat. Coffee had become a necessity more than ever now along with a new energy drink that he’d found that was lower calorie and full of healthy vitamins. “How about you?”
“I was studying with Deb,” Rory replied as Declan frowned slowly at the tone in his voice. “Are you ready for the test today?”
“Yeah, mostly. It should be easy enough.” Declan shot a look at his best friend with a small smile. “School and rugby are two things that I am serious about.” That was it now. He just kept up with Mallory through updates from Mary and Rayna and lived with that, relieved that she was finally seeing a therapist and dealing with her grief.
He was noticing how the girls were looking at him more and more at school and his willpower was fading. He’d been on his own for several months now with no contact and Declan was used to regular sex before he’d gotten in a relationship. There were no signs of Mallory coming back so would it be so wrong? Maybe she was doing the same though the idea of her with another man after all that they had shared killed him. No. She was just getting better for herself and they’d be together again soon.
Until then, he knew that he was getting weaker.
Declan decided to hang out with Rory and Deb one weekend and they met at the restaurant where he’d taken Mallory on their first date. Brittany took them to the table and offered him a seductive look when she realized that he was alone and it only reminded him of Mallory. He made it through the meal since this was Deb’s favorite place and it happened to be close to the bar they were going to afterward. There was a band playing and Declan thought that
might be a nice change of pace from whiskey filled nights at his own personal haunt. He ordered a beer with dinner and leaned back as he forced the memories of Mallory out of his mind as they ordered appetizers.
The conversation was upbeat over dinner since Rory’s girlfriend was such a happy girl. She brightened any room. Declan knew that she was insanely worried about him but he always made sure to assure her that he was doing fine. He just needed time.
Rory noticed Brittany lingering around the table at the end of the meal as she chatted with them and Declan felt his eyes on him as she stared at him with heavy eyes. They both realized that she knew their plans for the night and Declan finished his beer before he stood up to leave. He told Brittany goodbye and his eyes slipped down her body as she turned with the money as pain flooded him.
“Are you moving on?” Rory asked him in a low voice as they followed Deb through the noisy restaurant.
“I don’t know. It’s been four months, Rory. I need to do…something.” That was forever to a guy like Declan and Rory whistled as he shook his head.
“You’ve held out and done the right thing. I can see that.” Rory agreed as the guys shared a look. “It’s not replacing her, Deck. Nothing ever will.” His eyes moved to his own girlfriend as he spoke and De clan felt envy spike through his heart. He’d had that at one time with so much promise.
The bar was filling up when they walked in and Declan took a look around as they went to get some drinks. There was a good mix of men and women and some of the girls were pretty hot. He’d heard enough gushing about his hair lately to know that it attracted women all of the time and he slid his hands through it tonight painfully as he tried to keep his hands from shaking. He could do this.
They drank a few beers before the band came on and Declan slipped in a few shots of his favorite whiskey to numb his pain when he could. He wasn’t driving home since Deb was their driver and wanted the guys to have some fun. She was happily sipping a soda as she talked to a few friends around the bar while Rory and Declan looked on with wide grins. The crowd screamed as the popular local band took the stage and Declan sipped a fresh beer as he took in the heavy beat of the drums and the guitar that kicked in after. He was feeling no pain and he moved a little with the crowd around him while Rory joined Deb and wrapped his arms around her.
