by Claire Adams
“Give yourself more credit,” I said, kissing her hand gently. “You’re stronger than you realize.”
“And, you know that for a fact do you?” she asked challengingly.
“Actually, I do,” I smiled confidently.
That got a small laugh out of her, and I felt her relax. “See?” I said. “Sharing can be cathartic…”
“I don’t know about it being cathartic,” she said. “But I did like talking to you about all that. I feel closer to you.”
“Which is exactly my point,” I nodded. “Which is why I want you to meet my aunt soon.”
“Your aunt?” Kristen asked.
“She’s the closest thing to family I have left,” I said. “And, she’s always been a mother to me. I’d like you to meet her.”
Kristen smiled. “I’d love to meet her.”
“Excellent,” I nodded. “Is there any chance I might meet your mother one day?”
Kristen’s face fell visibly. “I don’t know,” she said, at last.
“Hey, no pressure, okay?” I assured her. “We can take things at the pace you’re comfortable with.”
She smiled, but I could see the uncertainty etched across her face. “Thank you,” she replied. I wondered if it was just my imagination again, or if her voice shook just a little.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Kristen
I was standing on the front lines in my military uniform. There was a rifle in my hand, and I felt ready for battle. Smoke and dust filled the air, and I couldn’t see two feet in front of me. I knew that I was surrounded, and I knew that I would have to act fast if I wanted to survive.
I was about to charge into the fray when Daphne materialized in front of me. She was wearing a white dress with bloodstains on the front of it. Her hair was wet and plastered to her face, and her eyes were sad—but there was a savage wildness about her that I didn’t quite understand.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Me?” Daphne asked. “This is my world; you are the one who shouldn’t be here.”
I looked around me, and suddenly, I knew that bombs were about to rain down on both of us. “We have to go,” I told her. “Or we’re both going to die.”
Daphne stood where she was and shook her head at me. “This is what you signed up for,” she said. “This is what you asked for when you stole my life.”
I felt my body grow cold. “I didn’t steal anything,” I protested.
“That’s my uniform you’re wearing,” she said.
I looked down at the nametag on the front of my uniform and realized the nametag read Daphne. I started breathing fast as I tried to keep my calm. “Daphne, we have to go…”
“You’re just like your mother,” she said with venom. “She took my father away from my mother, and you’re doing the same to me.”
“That’s not fair,” I screamed. “It’s not the same thing.”
Daphne shook her head at me. “It’s exactly the same. You just don’t want to admit that you’re like her.”
Then the bombs rained down on us, and I crashed to the ground, knowing that I was drowning, knowing that I was dying.
I woke up thrashing around in my bed, gripping my sheets as though I were grappling for life. A thin gleam of sweat glimmered on my skin, and I felt weak and out of breath. I got out of bed and walked to my window to get some fresh air. The nightmare had me feeling dejected and panicked, and I realized that my denial wasn’t going to hold out for much longer.
It was six in the morning, and thankfully, I didn’t have to beat work today. I went to the bathroom for a quick shower, hoping that I could shake off the terrible nightmare and the sinking feeling it had left me with. I changed into jeans and a soft sweater and went to the kitchen to make some breakfast.
I rummaged around in the fridge, having decided to make myself an omelet, but then I realized I probably wouldn’t be able to hold anything down. I ended up sitting on my couch, staring at the blank screen of my television, wondering what on earth was wrong with me. Just as I was thinking that, my phone started vibrating, and I looked down to see that my mother was calling me.
“Oh God,” I whispered. “Maybe I’m still having the nightmare.”
I knew I shouldn’t have, but the dream I’d just had was still influencing me, and I felt compelled to answer the call. The moment I picked up, my mother spoke in her blunt and infuriating tone.
“Praise the Lord, you actually picked up.”
“Should I regret that?”
“It’s been weeks since we last spoke.”
“You were being difficult,” I reminded her.
“Excuse me?” Mom asked, sounding affronted.
“Don’t act innocent,” I said accusingly. “You were trying to bait me, and you succeeded…as usual.”
“As usual, you insist on misunderstanding every single thing I say to you,” she said, sounding annoyed. “I wasn’t trying to bait you, at all. I was trying to advise you.”
“Oh really?” I said. “Is that what you were doing?”
“Seriously, Kristen, think about what you’re doing,” Mom continued. “You’re in San Diego; you’re working under your brother-in-law who has no clue who you are. Do you really think this is going to end well?”
I was about to defend myself, but then I stopped short. It was only the denial spurring forward my self-righteousness. The truth was I was scared about everything that she was saying. Maybe instead of going on the defensive, it would actually help me to talk to her about everything.
“I… I’m scared,” I admitted shakily.
“What?” she asked. I could tell she was shocked by my admission. She had expected anger and indignation, and she wasn’t prepared for self-doubt and insecurity.
“I’m scared,” I said clearly. “I… I know I screwed up by not telling Jake who I really was. I just… Things happened so fast and… I just didn’t say anything, and then I felt like it was too late.”
“You sound like you care a lot about him,” she observed.
“Yes,” I said, deciding not to lie about that. “I do care about him. I care about Noah, too.”
“You’ve spent time with his son?” Mom sounded shocked.
“I babysit for him,” I admitted. “Every once in a while.”
“You are sleeping with him,” she said bluntly.
“No—”
“Don’t bother denying it, Kristen,” she said. “I don’t even have to see your face to know the truth. I can hear it in your voice. You’re in love with the man.”
I stuttered and stumbled, and that gave me away. “Fuck,” I said, at last.
“Do you see now?” Mom asked suddenly, as her tone changed.
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Do you understand my perspective now, at least?”
“I still don’t understand.”
She sighed. “You always judged me for my relationship with your father. You ridiculed me for the choice I had made. But I never really had a choice because you can’t choose who you love. It happens to you when you least expect it. And sometimes the person you fall in love with is not the ‘right’ person, he’s not the ‘conventional’ choice, but…he’s the one you love, and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do about it.”
I was silent for a moment, amazed and astounded by how she had managed to justify her life away. Despite the new burst of anger in my gut, I forced myself to stay calm and talk this out.
“You never felt guilty?” I asked. “About the fact that you were cheating with another woman’s husband?”
“She was not a good wife to him, Kristen,” Mom said.
“So?” I demanded. “What is that supposed to mean? She deserved to have been cheated on?”
“Your father and I were in love,” she said. “Our love was worth everything.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
I shook my head and gave a crackle of ironic laughter.
“What?”
“If your love was worth everything, then why didn’t Dad man up, leave Isabelle, and marry you instead?” I demanded. “If he loved you so damn much, then why didn’t he just divorce Isabelle for you?”
I knew I had stumped her. I knew I had backed her into a corner with my logic, but she was too desperate and too proud to admit to that.
“You don’t understand anything—”
“I understand more than you do,” I said bitingly. “Ted never really loved you; you were just a distraction from his mundane life. He liked having someplace he could go to when his life with Isabelle got boring. He knew you would look after him and cook for him and lend him money when he needed it. He’s been using you for more than two decades now, and he’s going to continue to use you for as long as he can because you refuse to open your eyes and see what’s really happening.”
There was silence on the other line. The breathing I could hear was growing a little erratic, and I knew that I had upset her badly. I didn’t care. She was trying to draw common ground between us, and I wanted her to know that I was nothing like her.
“What do you know about anything?” she said after a long silence. “You’re just a selfish brat who’s never had to struggle for anything in her life.”
“I had to raise myself,” I practically yelled at her.
“Excuse me?”
“You were too busy working to support Ted and doting on him anytime he deigned to give you the time of day—”
“Don’t,” Mom interrupted, and she sounded almost hysterical. “Don’t…”
“Have you even thought about the fact that Isabelle divorced him years ago, and he still hasn’t married you?” I demanded.
“I… I…” she could only stutter in response.
“Have you asked him why, Mom?” I demanded. “Have you asked him why he hasn’t married you even after this first wife left him? Have you ever thought about the fact that he’s doing to you the same thing he did to Isabelle?”
“What… What are you saying?”
“He probably has other women,” I said bluntly. “He’s probably got another mistress holed up somewhere. He probably goes to her whenever he disappears for a few weeks. Hell, he may have another child or two hidden away somewhere. Who the fuck knows?”
“What did I ever do to you?” she asked tearfully. “To make you treat me so badly?”
I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment. “I’m being honest,” I said. “If you don’t like the truth, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your life.”
I heard her scoff in anger. “You think you’re so much better than me, don’t you, Kristen?” she asked. “You look down your nose at me. But since you love the truth so much, I have another truth for you. You’re just like me.”
“I am nothing like you,” I hissed.
“You’re lying to Jake, aren’t you?” she continued as though she hadn’t heard me. “You’ve snuck yourself into his life, you’re spending time with his son, and you’re asking him to trust you… Do you really think you have a right to the high ground when you’re cheating Jake out of the truth?”
She had me stumped. I tried to defend myself, but I realized that I couldn’t. Was this really what my dream had been about? I wondered.
“Do you think Daphne will want to see you with her husband?” Mom continued. “Do you think she’ll want you raising her child?”
“I am going to tell him,” I said softly as a tear slipped down my cheek.
“When? After he’s put a ring on your finger? After you’ve well and truly trapped him?”
“I would never do that,” I said, trying to control my voice.
“And everything you’ve done up until now?” she demanded. “I bet you never thought you’d go this far, did you? And yet, here you are.”
“Well, I never really had anyone to look up to, did I?” I shot at her.
She laughed. “Of course, blame me,” she said. “Didn’t you just accuse me earlier in this phone call of blaming Isabelle?”
I felt the words dry on my tongue as I realized she was right. My dream had been pointing to this very thing. Maybe I wasn’t as different from my mother as I had always thought. Maybe under my veil of self-righteousness, I was just like her.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Jake
Kristen stuck her head into my office. “You called me?”
“Uh, yes,” I said. “Just give me a second.”
I turned to Denver and smiled. “Other than that, everything looks good?”
“Everything looks excellent,” Denver nodded. “You’re doing a good job, Jake.”
“About that… I wanted to call in a meeting with the board soon,” I said, as Kristen walked into the room and shut the door. She hovered in the background, conscious not to make a sound.
“A meeting with the board?” Denver repeated. “Is it about the Shanghai deal?”
“No,” I said. “It’s personal.”
He frowned. “Personal?” It seemed he had a habit of repeating everything I said.
“Yes,” I nodded, struggling to keep the impatience from my voice.
“You’re not resigning, are you?” he asked. I was gratified to hear a little note of panic in his voice.
“Not exactly,” I said, enjoying making him squirm.
“Not exactly?” he repeated again.
He was a mousy man with a large mustache that was obviously groomed. He looked more like a cartoon character than a real person. He had been on the board for almost eleven years now and was one of the few board members who made the attempt to give me personal visits. I wasn’t sure if it was genuine concern or just random check-ups, but I had stopped caring about that a while ago.
“I just want to discuss a few things about my schedule and my workload.”
“You want more money?” he asked immediately.
“That’s not what I want to talk about,” I said. “Though if the board were to decide I deserved an increase in salary, I wouldn’t say no.”
“How urgent is this personal meeting of yours?” he asked, looking a little worried.
“How about we try and schedule it in for next week?”
Denver’s eyebrows hit the ceiling. I knew that getting all the members of the board together was a difficult thing to do. Which was why I had asked that the meeting be scheduled within a week. I figured that then it would happen within a month or two at least.
“Next week?” Denver said, repeating my last few words again. “That is impossible.”
“Make is possible,” I said pleasantly.
“Joseph is in China till the seventeenth, and Jonathan is in Mexico for another month…”
“Well, inform everyone and see when the closest possible available date for everyone is, okay?”
Denver sighed tiredly. “Fine… I’ll let you know.”
“Excellent,” I nodded.
“I’ll take my leave then,” he said as he stood up.
I walked him to the door, and Kristen opened it for him. He gave her an appreciative smile that bordered on creepy and then left.
“Do you think they’ll be cooperative?” Kristen asked.
“We’ll have to wait and see,” I said. “You look lovely today.”
She blushed at my unexpected compliment. “Thank you. So do you.”
“I look lovely today?” I asked teasingly.
“You do,” she laughed. “You look exceptionally handsome.”
I smiled and then took her hand. “Hey, you know what I was thinking?”
“Do tell?”
“I was thinking we could head out to the beach for a nice lunch?”
She raised her eyebrows. “Lunch is only an hour long,” she said. “And we have so much work to get done…and we’ll never make it back to the office within an hour.”
I shrugged. “Well, I’m the boss,” I reminded her. “And, I’m saying we can get away with it.”
I saw her smile grow bright and mischievous. �
��You sure?”
“Yes,” I nodded, leaning in and kissing her on the lips. “I’ll meet your downstairs in five?”
“Yup.”
We met by my car seven minutes later. I had made the suggestion on a whim, but now I was extremely glad I had decided to be spontaneous. I had found it increasingly difficult to concentrate the last few days. My obsession with Kristen was deepening, and I could feel it. I could feel myself falling for her, and there were moments when it felt like I was already in love with her.
Even when I was not with her, I thought about her constantly. It had made me realize that I spent much less time thinking about Daphne. For the first time in a long time, I was actually happy and hopeful, and the emotions were so alien to me that for a while I hadn’t even recognized them for what they were.
As we drove, I held Kristen’s hand in mine. It took us about twenty minutes to get to the beach, and once we were there, I felt Kristen relax. “I love the beach,” she said.
Since it was midday during working hours, the beach was peaceful and tranquil. There were very few people walking the beach, and the few who were, were absorbed in their own thing. The pier was practically empty as started to walk down, enjoying the soft breeze against our faces.
“What do you think?” I asked. “Burgers by the bay or would you prefer hot dogs?”
“Let’s do both,” Kristen suggested. “That way we can both share.”
“Brilliant idea,” I nodded. “If we keep walking in this direction we’ll find a shack that sells amazing burgers.”
Holding hands, we walked down the pier. We must have looked a little out of place in our work attire, but it was a glorious kind of freedom, to be released from the pressures of work. I realized how much I’d missed out on all these years. Working myself to the bone had been a good distraction while I needed it, but now Kristen was there to distract me, and now work was nothing more than an inconvenience.
“It’s ironic, isn’t it?” Kristen said, breaking through my thoughts.
“What is?”
“We work for a maritime shipping company, and we never see the sea?”
I laughed. “I suppose that is ironic,” I nodded. “I used to love sailing.”
